Learning how

Spent the day with my husband, "sober" for 4 years. We went to the ocean for a day trip, had lucnh, walked on the beach. It was cold and foggy, a nice change from 90 and smokey. Came home took a nap, I got up, but let him sleep. I lost track of time, 17 year old son was late home from work. I was aware but didn't call. Kid is rarely late, and as I said is did loose track of time. Husband got up, when son came home. It was 8pm, son about 2 hours late, had been talking to marine recruter after work. Husband yelling at me, because he slept so long. Yelling at me because I didn't know son was taking to recruter. Going on and on about what I should have done, etc etc. Old behavior, but now he is "sober"
I told him to stop, told him it was old behavior and I didn't do anything to be yelled at about. He went on to say more unpleaseant things. I don't think I want to live like this, the ism is just below to surface. Son starting senior year. I don't want to ruin his year but I just want to run away and make "it" stop. This is how I used to always feel. Sponsers phone went to vm.

twistedruby

Are you supposed to be able to call your counselor Anytime ?

Keep trying their number if you are able to talk privately!!

Did your son say he was going to join or sound like he was seriously thinking about joining ?
Or did he just go and ask out of more curiosity than anything else ?

You didn't say your former AH drank anything......so that was good.
But this should show him that stress of this kind brought out some old habits.

I hope your husband stays sober through this.....

Learning how

I think my son was just looking into options.
Husband has not had a drink.
I fell into the pitty pot, because I am dealing with the ism again.
I will try my sponser in the monring just to run things past her.
I also see that this is how I used to live, waiting for his action so I can react.
And living with being told how most what I was doing was wrong, or not good enough. (What ever that means as he always changed the standard) The sad part is that I would then react to what ever was said to me. Its my ism acting up.

I am not sure I want to remain married to this person, and especially now that I don't have small kids to worry about any more.

twistedruby

Falling into the pity pot.....an easy thing to slide into.

Seeing that ugly alcohol behavior come back is like the slippery edge of a living nightmare......that's the best I can think of to describe it.

I hope talking with your counselor gives you some clarity !

bookwyrm

(((learning how)))
I'm glad you're remaining focussed on what YOU want and how YOU want to live. It isn't easy! Wishing you strength...

cagefree

Hey there Learning - I'm not seeing where you are sitting on the pitty pot.

From your post it sounds like you experienced some unacceptable behaviour from others, it's bothering you and now you are considering removing yourself from the environment. You voiced your concerns about his unacceptable behaviour and refused to take ownership for it (nice!) - so it's not like you simply played the victim.

I would probably feel the same in a similar situation. Realizing I could choose what kind of environment I reside in was a powerful moment for me - sorry you are having such a tough time...((hugs))

juju

Can you set a boundary for that? I mean, why do boundaries only have to apply to drinking?

Learning how

Thank you all for your support.
At this point in my life I have been doing alot of thinking about what I want and what I need. Funny how diffiuclt this is for me. I am very good about other peoples needs.
Was reading from another post last night, "are you wondering when the pain stops" There is a section that says The pain stops:when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you erver tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
I wake up today wondering how much longer I can go on working this hard to keep something together that I not sure should be kept together.
Last night he was yelling that I should be planning a divorce not a vacation. And for a second I though ya I can do that.
But after the second was over he is all over him self saying he is sorry, then explaining how my actions caused his yelling. Always my fault. Then how sorry he is again after I didn't take the it was my fault part.
I learned somethings from my reading, Never Never join in the dance. (and I did) and that I am about 3/4 of the way down the Are you wondering when the pain stops? post. And that I hate being yelled at.
Thanks again all.

bookwyrm

Wow. This would be so good to get to. I can't forgive either of us right now.

LucyA

I don't think they do, I have boundaries for lots of things, the kids, my A brother, my parents, my friends, telephone sales even, mostly for me though.

Barbara52

I have boundaries all over the place that have absolutley nothing to do with alcohol. My boundaries are setting the behaviors, attitudes, life styles, etc. that I want in my life and what I will do if my boundaries are not respected. I have boundaries with my sons. I have boundaries at work. I ahve boundaries with friends. Boundaries are about my respecting me as I see it.

Freedom1990

That, my friend, isn't sober, but rather a dry drunk. Sobriety involves a lot more than just not drinking. I've been on both sides of the fence, being married to an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic.

For me, I had to walk away from my husband to maintain my own recovery and sanity.

There is nothing worse than living with an abuser, whether it be emotionally or physically or both.

There were times I wish he would just hit me instead of using the cruel words out of his mouth, because the physical pain went away much quicker.

There is a big beautiful world out there after being with an alcoholic, and I am living proof of that.

Today there is no screaming/yelling/blaming in my home.

Today I have set the bar of standards high in my home, and that includes not allowing my 30 year old alcoholic daughter in the door.

Today I have peace of mind and gratitude for the gifts that recovery has brought me

DII

Learning How, It's all a different shade you know. My AW drinks and relapses and rather than getting nasty and aggressive gets quiet and depressed. I'm at the point where I just don't want to be around her, talk to her, see her. It's funny how they can toy with your emotions. You love them when they're sober and as soon as they relapse you can't stand to be around them.

Hang in there.

Learning how

Thank you all. I am working on having boundrys. I agree I am living with a dry drunk it seems so clear when I am not in the middle of things. I need to work on what I am doing and what I want. I seem to be sort of stuck in what will keep the peace. Peace at any cost is not worth the cost I know that but its just all so diffiuclt. A time will come.