bookwyrm

I've been a bit quiet lately. Things aren't going so well with me - I feel I've slipped! I've lost my detachment and need to try and get it back somehow...

Thursday night was one of shouting and screaming. My AH has decided that I 'owe' him for - in particular for him not walking out when I was diagnosed with depression. I've to stick around, while he goes out and has fun almost every night, till he is ready for us to split. He won't help me get the house painted for selling - either financially or physically. Couldn't stop myself screaming back at him and then bawling my eyes out. He wouldn't leave me alone even when I went upstairs and asked him to go away till I got myself under control. He wanted me to make him feel better! Once I had calmed down he spoke at me for a bit. I had started to believe him until I actually listen to what he was saying - loads of me's and I but no us, we or even you.

Friday night was hell, yet again. I was feeling physically sick (I think this is stress) so wasn't certain about when, what or even if to have any dinner. AH exploded. Accused me of trying to push his buttons, cos my feeling sick and not knowing what I wanted is just designed to irritate him! I couldn't stop crying. Didn't stop him going out. I feel so worn out by him.

The rest of the weekend when he was around I walked on eggshells.

I'm feeling stressed, bullied and worn out. Back at work for a break! How do I stay strong? How do I not let his words affect me? I thought I had the detachment thing sorted but I still let him hurt me. I'm feeling overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I have to do to get the house ready to sell. I'm just so tired...

Lilyflower

Bookwyrm, sorry you've had such a lousey weekend. I remember those all too well. You're situation sounds so similar to mine.

I was put on anti depressants while with my exabf. He knew that I had difficulty dealing with things, sometimes just getting out of the bed in the mornings was a struggle. When things got bad with the drama of the alcohol in our lives, I told him that i wanted things to change, that I couldn't cope with his attitude and drunken madness.

I got pretty much the same response you did, he had put up with me and my issues for years. He stood by me when I was an emotional wreck, yelling and crying. Why was I so selfish that I couldn't do the same for him!?

I remember thinking then that, what, I should give him 2/3 years and just grin and bear it, because he thinks that what he did for me? That he had the goodness to bear up with my illness and so I should do the same? Then I began to realise that it wasn't fair of him to compare both our problems equally. Sure, I had been a handful when I was ill, but I knew i was ill and chose to find help and get better.

I had taken steps to ensure my recovery - I went to the doctor and began taking meds, I went to a therapist to deal with my issues, I became conscious of how my behaviour came from within me, and how I sometimes took that out on others then I began learning how to handle things differently. Despite all I was dealing with I still managed to muddle through with our responsibilities. I delt with debtors and went to courts to stop a repossession on our house. I was the one who contacted a debt management company to pull ourselves out of the red, I was the one who put myself up for and gained a promotion at work to bring in extra cash, I was the one who went looking for a second job to make ends meet.

When I began thinking about what my abf had done for us and for himself knowing that he was ill, it didn't come close to comparison. What had he done - drank. He attended AA a handful of times, and then gave it up. He had a cousellor that he saw once, and never went back. He drank knowing he was an alcoholic and that help was out there for him to get better, he drank knowing that each time he blew our money it put us into greater financial difficulty, he emptied our account regularly to pay for his drug of choice. He chose to bury his head in the sand regarding our troubles and naievly hoped they would go away.

His turning tables on me over my illness was just a blantant attempt to manipulate me into submission, another excuse why his behaviour didn't need to be attended to. Once I came to that realisation, my sadness quickly turned into a determination. I felt, not anger, but repulsion that he would play that card against me, he apparently cared for me, yet my problems became a tool he could use against me to justify his illness and provide him with a way he could continue his addiction. It disgusted me.

Thats how I stayed strong, and stopped his words getting me down. After years of being put down and feeling like a second class citizen, I was done.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bookwyrm

lily,

Thank you. Your reply was just what I needed to hear.

I have progressed - I'm not wracked with guilt this time, he hasn't managed to get me so messed up that I don't know up from down. I've been using my anger for a while now to try and keep myself together while I get this house ready to sell. It just seemed to vanish for a while. I need it back!!

I'm going back to the doctor this week to talk about changing the dosage on my pills and chase up my counselling referral. I've also made a number of important calls today to find out how to finally be free. Just wish it could all be over with the wave of a wand!! Anyone got a working one spare??

Pajarito

(((((bookwyrm)))))
I am sorry you were so stressed out with AH- and you're dealing with a lot physically with your health and trying to get a house ready to sell. I am in the same boat- with the house. What I have done is enlisted the help of friends and family. It's amazing how once I started talking about what I needed- people- healthy, good people, stepped up to the plate. One day 15 or so neighbors came over and went through our house and got so much done- it was incredible. I fed them- we had a bbq- and I looked around and let the kindness sink in. It sounds like you are doing a lot by yourself. Think outside the box and get help if you need it. My AH walked away from all responsibilities. It's too huge to imagine dealing with selling a house alone. And I know how easy it is to get hooked into AH's drama. Mine no longer lives with me, and I avoid contact as much as possible. I've also learned over time to do some self-talking when he tries- I cut him off, and tell myself he may blame me for every problem in his life, but he's crazy. If I slip- I tell myself it's ok- get back up and keep moving. You're human. . . Take care of yourself- and find some people to help you if you can!!!

sadandhopeless

Are you getting help for the depression? Let him know to sell the home it is both of you responsibilities to get it ready to sell. Don't do it all on your own. You have enough on your plate. I feel sad for you. You are hurting so very much. I wish you the best. Depression is hard to deal with. Please ask your doctor if any medication you are taking me need a dosage change? I know that usually helps if your body gets used to a certain dosage. take care of yourself.

bookwyrm

Thanks for the support Pajarito and Jackie. :ghug

My AH doesn't want to sell the house, he doesn't want me to leave. I've to hang about till he's ready to deal with the stress of it all because I owe him for not walking out on me when I got my depression!!!!! :wtf2 Yeah, right....

I don't know how to get it through to him that I can't live like this!!! He just doesn't hear me.

So I'm going for advice from all sorts of places to find out what to do next now that I've decided its over. The house is in joint names. I can't afford to contribute to the mortgage and rent at the same time or I would have gone by now. And I'll need to sell the house to get money for a deposit for a place of my own (that sounds soooo wonderful). I don't know what to do! And I seem to have run out of energy to do much of anything.

Think I'm actually a little better today - making appointments with the doctor etc has helped as well as realising what was happening to me.

Lilyflower

My stomach dropped when I first read this..

So glad you were kidding bookwyrm!



Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pajarito

Of course not- he's getting something out of living with you- food? Money? A warm, comfortable home to come in and go as he pleases? Why not??? He's probably got it pretty good.

It sounds to me like you are fed up and closer to making a move on your own- maybe that will wake him up. Maybe not. The point is- and FD said it best- I can spend my life frustrated- waiting for someone else to open his eyes- or I can simply open mine.

Excellent- keep moving forward for yourself. Little steps- ask people for help. The world will open up for you, and you will start to see you were living a very narrow life. Amazing things can be had when we get tired of living by another's whims and start living for ourselves. Maybe you're tired today- take that cue and get a good night of sleep tonight. Wake up tomorrow and do even one good thing for yourself. Just keep plodding along and before you know it you will realize good things are happening- you are the ONLY one who can start the ball rolling. . . I'm rooting for you!

laurie6781

I do. Go see an attorney (you call them solicitors?) and get the legal information needed and get the ball started. When he sees you mean business, he will continue to B***h and moan, but he'll definitely see you mean business.

I'm not sure of English law, but he will have to cooperate eventually, his own attorney will tell him that, and, of course, when his pocket book is involved he will become more willing......................................the better the house looks, the more it sells for, and the larger his share will be.

What he is doing is MANIPULATION pure and simple. You do not have to respond to him. You are STRONG. You have come a long way.

J M H O

Vent here as often as needed and more, lol We are behind you on this.

Love and hugs,

bookwyrm

Thanks Laurie, I've made an appointment - it feels a bit scary though! Guess I can do it - one step at a time!

SugarLily

Hey Bookwyrm :ghug2

I'm sorry about your weekend. It's so frustrating isn't it? To want to talk - to explain why you are hurting, to try and make them see your despair? I'm so sorry.

I felt that way too, I do look back and see it as bullying, whenever I complained about something, he'd shoot back with "well you did _______ last week and I didn't complain". When I was so tearful and stressed about him spending who knows how much cash in the pub each night he would respond with "well you went out for so and so's birthday last month" Like what? Each thing he does wrong is somehow justified?

I remember once telling my ex that I seriously felt that I was depressed, he snorted at me that I have nothing to be depressed about.

The whole thing just felt like me hitting my head into a brick wall.

I'm sending you my best wishes, you will get through this, one day you will wake up without the stress of the world on your shoulders.

Its liberating x x x

Bernadette

Heya Bookwyrm--
Lending you my wand (tee hee)
It worked really good for me. My chief complaint is that the darned thing was slow as hell!!!
I mean, I would wave it and wave it, and it would take a month (and a lot of work on my part) for me to see any difference. Ugh. So slow!!! ;-)

But if you look at it closely you'll see it has the word "courage" carved in the side. I think there is something magical about that!

One day at a time Bookwyrm!!!!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.