sodetermined

XAB got out of jail last Wednesday, I had packed his things and had him come to the house and get them. The first few days I felt very strong and good about my decision, he was drinking and helped me to know I was making the right choice.

Then over the weekend, he has turned into this crying, sad person that is now having to deal with the pain of his addiction. He got a job in the same town I work and so called me Friday and asked if I could give him a ride. I didn't even really think, my natural answer was "sure", I like to help people when I can. Then after talking to a friend, she said that it probably wasn't a good idea so I called him back and told him I could give him a ride for a week but after that I couldn't.

So then all weekend, he's calling, wanting to spend time w/me, being "Mr. Perfect", then this week since I'm giving him a ride he keeps trying to get me to let him come over, asking if we can go to Church together, asking if we can spend the 4th of July together. And although I keep saying "no", and trying to explain to him that because of my codependency I really need the space and time to work on me because I get so wrapped up in him and his addiction that I don't focus on me and become this controlling, angry, woman that worries about what he's doing constantly. I feel like he just doesn't get it. I don't feel like I will give in, but at the same time I feel broke spirited. I feel sad, guilty, bad for him.

What is even more confusing is I don't even know right now how much of this is my own codependency kicking in, and not wanting to let go of him, am I still feeding off of him needing me so much?

It breaks my heart to see him hurting, but I have told him until I see him in active recovery, making changes FOR HIMSELF, for a good chunk of time, it is not a good idea to spend time together. But he keeps asking, picking me flowers, buying me pop, making my lunch. I am feeling so guilty right now!

I just wish this could be easier, I wish there was a way to make him understand that this is best right now.

Am I saying the right things? I don't want to be mean and coldhearted. I'm just confused and all messed up again. I mean part of me is having a really hard time with this separation WITHOUT all of his nice, sad side coming out.

peaceteach

Exboyfriend = no contact. Let him live his life and make the right decisions for himself that will save HIS life. You keep to yourself and make the right decisions for yourself to keep you feeling calm and serene, not "broke spirited...sad, guilty, bad for him." I felt all of these for my ex, but not one of them is love. They are all negative, stomach-wrenching feelings that I learned came from associating with an addict/alcoholic who was in denial of his own part in addiction and trying to make all his success somehow dependent on me.

I'd trust my friend on this right now. She seems to be giving good, nonjudgmental advice that is in YOUR best interest. Why don't you start putting YOUR best interests first, instead of HIS. He is an ex, right?

kay1234

I agree...you need to stay away and have no contact...work on you and let him work on him...if you really love him, give it space...and give it time for both of you to get healthy first...

sodetermined

Yes, he is an ex. I told him the only way I would even consider spending quality time with him (other than this riding to work) was if he was in recovery for a good chunk of time, AT LEAST a month.

I guess my nature is just a kind hearted person. At the same time, I am also a codependent and have to be careful of where I take my kindness.

kay1234

I wouldn't consider a month a good chunk of time...have you attended any meetings yourself? I wouldn't even be giving him a ride to work...let him find his own way he is a big boy...