Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1
Please help
Hello all, I hope you can help/advise/comment etc to my desperate plight.
My wife is a raging alcoholic, she has been drinking heavily for the past 10, but i suspect 15 yrs at least. However her drinking has increased to a new level over the last 3/4 yrs. she drinks probably about 4 bottles a day or at least 30bottles a week.
I am at my wits end, we have a son at this is affecting his and ofcourse my life and really destroying all of us. Just to illustarte the problem, I am aware that everyone at his school is talking about her and us. They are ignoring me, no eye contact, crossing the street etc. This is because I have been told stories second hand of my wife turning up to school to pick up our son drunk, but trying despeartly to play it sober. As you will all be aware it really is impossible to hide it when you are drunk, but in her world I really think she thinks she is getting away with it.
She drink drives, but always denies that she has been drinking.
She admits she has a problem and we have talked incessantly about her problem, and she seems to genuinely want help, but i fear, and believe she is just appeasing me. She has tried AA, hypnosis, seen a shrink. This all lasts for abit, and there are periods of like aweek when she will not drink. She will say look I've done 7 days, and then its back to square one again.
I was worried for her health, and a year ago she 'said' she had done a blood test and all was fine. I believed her but had my reservations. So she took another one recently, I even went to the doctors to discuss it and she booked a blood test. She took this, on her own, and again got the all clear. I really dont belive that she did have it, as surely that level of drinking over this period would show some problems? I also wanted there to be something wrong just to show her what she is doing to herself, sounds harsh, but the attitude now is "well see im all clear, nothing wrong", and thus no insentive to stop.
I hear that the only person who can help an alcoholic stop is themselves, but I don't think she is ready to admit the problem is as graet as it is. She admits she is an alcoholic, and talks frankly and sincerely to me. I believe her at the time but everytime there is a quiet period and everything looks like its going in the right direction, it lasts for a very short period, and normal service is resumed.
I am also aware that, being an alcoholic will desroy those around you, and this is happening to me for sure. I want to help her soo mch, but nothing is working.
Please help me, any advice would be great I'm sure you will recognise some aspects of our situation.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your responses.
A man near the end.
PS I love my wife, so divorce is not an option. How can i make something which seems so easy ie. Don't drink, a reality. I know its not but there must be something I can do.
My wife is a raging alcoholic, she has been drinking heavily for the past 10, but i suspect 15 yrs at least. However her drinking has increased to a new level over the last 3/4 yrs. she drinks probably about 4 bottles a day or at least 30bottles a week.
I am at my wits end, we have a son at this is affecting his and ofcourse my life and really destroying all of us. Just to illustarte the problem, I am aware that everyone at his school is talking about her and us. They are ignoring me, no eye contact, crossing the street etc. This is because I have been told stories second hand of my wife turning up to school to pick up our son drunk, but trying despeartly to play it sober. As you will all be aware it really is impossible to hide it when you are drunk, but in her world I really think she thinks she is getting away with it.
She drink drives, but always denies that she has been drinking.
She admits she has a problem and we have talked incessantly about her problem, and she seems to genuinely want help, but i fear, and believe she is just appeasing me. She has tried AA, hypnosis, seen a shrink. This all lasts for abit, and there are periods of like aweek when she will not drink. She will say look I've done 7 days, and then its back to square one again.
I was worried for her health, and a year ago she 'said' she had done a blood test and all was fine. I believed her but had my reservations. So she took another one recently, I even went to the doctors to discuss it and she booked a blood test. She took this, on her own, and again got the all clear. I really dont belive that she did have it, as surely that level of drinking over this period would show some problems? I also wanted there to be something wrong just to show her what she is doing to herself, sounds harsh, but the attitude now is "well see im all clear, nothing wrong", and thus no insentive to stop.
I hear that the only person who can help an alcoholic stop is themselves, but I don't think she is ready to admit the problem is as graet as it is. She admits she is an alcoholic, and talks frankly and sincerely to me. I believe her at the time but everytime there is a quiet period and everything looks like its going in the right direction, it lasts for a very short period, and normal service is resumed.
I am also aware that, being an alcoholic will desroy those around you, and this is happening to me for sure. I want to help her soo mch, but nothing is working.
Please help me, any advice would be great I'm sure you will recognise some aspects of our situation.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your responses.
A man near the end.
PS I love my wife, so divorce is not an option. How can i make something which seems so easy ie. Don't drink, a reality. I know its not but there must be something I can do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, Cobain,
I know that you want to help your wife find sobriety. We all would like that to happen for our loved ones who are alcoholics. It really will be beneficial for you to read around on this site, including the "stickies" at the top of this page. Have you done much reading on enabling, Cobain? It is a classic thing we loved ones do with our A's, thinking we can reach them or "save" them. The more you read, the clearer it will become that nothing YOU do will give her the desire to stop drinking. That has to come from HER and her alone. We often wind up postponing our A's desire to stop drinking by rescuing them from their own consequences and providing them with a safe place to drink and not suffer. Does that sound familiar? We also wind up getting dragged down to a similar unhappy existence by becoming "codependent" in the relationship. It is a similarity that you will see in nearly every story here. What we learn is that we didn't cause our alcoholics to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But we can stop the enabling of it so that the A has to deal with her own repercussions. And we learn how to take better care of ourselves and our children.
I hope you stick around, Cobain. This is a great resource for information and support. You sound like a loving dad and husband. Welcome to SR.
I know that you want to help your wife find sobriety. We all would like that to happen for our loved ones who are alcoholics. It really will be beneficial for you to read around on this site, including the "stickies" at the top of this page. Have you done much reading on enabling, Cobain? It is a classic thing we loved ones do with our A's, thinking we can reach them or "save" them. The more you read, the clearer it will become that nothing YOU do will give her the desire to stop drinking. That has to come from HER and her alone. We often wind up postponing our A's desire to stop drinking by rescuing them from their own consequences and providing them with a safe place to drink and not suffer. Does that sound familiar? We also wind up getting dragged down to a similar unhappy existence by becoming "codependent" in the relationship. It is a similarity that you will see in nearly every story here. What we learn is that we didn't cause our alcoholics to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But we can stop the enabling of it so that the A has to deal with her own repercussions. And we learn how to take better care of ourselves and our children.
I hope you stick around, Cobain. This is a great resource for information and support. You sound like a loving dad and husband. Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome Cobain321
sorry to hear about your situation,
Have you read any books on alcoholism.
Long term treatment sounds like the only option you have left.
Honesty goes out the window, for a chronic alkie.
suggest the 2 of you go to some counseling.
I'm sure there will be more help along shortly
Hang in there and God Bless
sorry to hear about your situation,
Have you read any books on alcoholism.
Long term treatment sounds like the only option you have left.
Honesty goes out the window, for a chronic alkie.
suggest the 2 of you go to some counseling.
I'm sure there will be more help along shortly
Hang in there and God Bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Unfortunately you can't make her stop. She will drink if she wants to, regardless of the consequences of that. It's taken a while for me to understand this, but it's better to focus on how you can cope than how to make her stop.
Keep reading and posting! There are people way further along than me that can offer great insight.
Keep reading and posting! There are people way further along than me that can offer great insight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I agree your plight is desperate. However, it is desperate for YOU, not your AW.
You have discussed her problem/addiction incessently.
She continues to drink.
YOU are at your wit's end.
She continues to drink.
She drives drunk.
She continues to drink.
Folks in town are talking about her showing up drunk at your son's school.
She continues to drink.
You are worried about her health.
She continues to drink.
She talks "sincerely and frankly" to you. Nope. She's an addict in active addiction. Read all the things that you have done and she has done that I have listed. There are no indications of sincerity or frankness; much less honesty, indicative in any of these things.
What these things tell me is this: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and each time hoping for a different outcome.
As much as you love your wife; as much as you want her to see the light; as much as you "discuss" her problem with her - and you can discuss it until he!! freezes over - she will NOT stop drinking and seek sobriety and work a program until she is honest with herself. She owns her addiction. She must decide when, and if, she wants to let it go.
Period.
I'd suggest you start reading, begin counseling, and give Al-Anon a try. I highly suggest Melodie Beattie's books. She is a recovering addict and codie. I can only share my ES&H ("experience, strength and hope) with you. I have been married to two alcoholics. I attend open AA meetings, go to counseling, and attend Al-Anon. I have learned that the only life I can control is my own.
Any attempts to control anyone else's life leads me down the path of frustration, futility, and ultimately lunacy.
You have discussed her problem/addiction incessently.
She continues to drink.
YOU are at your wit's end.
She continues to drink.
She drives drunk.
She continues to drink.
Folks in town are talking about her showing up drunk at your son's school.
She continues to drink.
You are worried about her health.
She continues to drink.
She talks "sincerely and frankly" to you. Nope. She's an addict in active addiction. Read all the things that you have done and she has done that I have listed. There are no indications of sincerity or frankness; much less honesty, indicative in any of these things.
What these things tell me is this: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and each time hoping for a different outcome.
As much as you love your wife; as much as you want her to see the light; as much as you "discuss" her problem with her - and you can discuss it until he!! freezes over - she will NOT stop drinking and seek sobriety and work a program until she is honest with herself. She owns her addiction. She must decide when, and if, she wants to let it go.
Period.
I'd suggest you start reading, begin counseling, and give Al-Anon a try. I highly suggest Melodie Beattie's books. She is a recovering addict and codie. I can only share my ES&H ("experience, strength and hope) with you. I have been married to two alcoholics. I attend open AA meetings, go to counseling, and attend Al-Anon. I have learned that the only life I can control is my own.
Any attempts to control anyone else's life leads me down the path of frustration, futility, and ultimately lunacy.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Welcome Cobain
Glad you found SR. It has been my saving grace.
I would also recommend the book "Codependant No more" by Melodie beattie.......read as much as you can, this forum is a fantastic source of information also.....I have been educating myself on alcoholism for 3 years now an I am still learning.
My beautiful husband is an alcoholic and we have a very young family. I have now set some boundaries and I am so much happier......it is not easy living with an alcoholic.....but I am learning to focus on myself and I know that I cannot control his drinking no matter what I do or don't do.
I have stepped away from even wanting to which is huge progress for me! He is working on himself and I am working hard on myself. It is not easy but it is possible.....
Hang out here at SR - there is a wealth of experience right here for you....I hope you will take the time to read read and read more - this place truly has helped me see things for what they are regarding this disease.
Sorry for your pain you are in the right place and I look forward to hearing how you go - All the best Phiz
Glad you found SR. It has been my saving grace.
I would also recommend the book "Codependant No more" by Melodie beattie.......read as much as you can, this forum is a fantastic source of information also.....I have been educating myself on alcoholism for 3 years now an I am still learning.
My beautiful husband is an alcoholic and we have a very young family. I have now set some boundaries and I am so much happier......it is not easy living with an alcoholic.....but I am learning to focus on myself and I know that I cannot control his drinking no matter what I do or don't do.
I have stepped away from even wanting to which is huge progress for me! He is working on himself and I am working hard on myself. It is not easy but it is possible.....
Hang out here at SR - there is a wealth of experience right here for you....I hope you will take the time to read read and read more - this place truly has helped me see things for what they are regarding this disease.
Sorry for your pain you are in the right place and I look forward to hearing how you go - All the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by cobain321 
She admits she has a problem and we have talked incessantly about her problem, and she seems to genuinely want help, but i fear, and believe she is just appeasing me. She has tried AA, hypnosis, seen a shrink. This all lasts for abit, and there are periods of like aweek when she will not drink. She will say look I've done 7 days, and then its back to square one again.
She admits she is an alcoholic, and talks frankly and sincerely to me. I believe her at the time but everytime there is a quiet period and everything looks like its going in the right direction, it lasts for a very short period, and normal service is resumed.
I am also aware that, being an alcoholic will desroy those around you, and this is happening to me for sure. I want to help her soo mch, but nothing is working.
She admits she is an alcoholic, and talks frankly and sincerely to me. I believe her at the time but everytime there is a quiet period and everything looks like its going in the right direction, it lasts for a very short period, and normal service is resumed.
I am also aware that, being an alcoholic will desroy those around you, and this is happening to me for sure. I want to help her soo mch, but nothing is working.
It does sound as if she is appeasing you: she has figured out that you will believe her and trust in her if she sounds sincere and tries for a little while, then she goes back to the drinking without any repercussions. Actions speak louder than words.
I'm sorry about the pain your wife's drinking is causing you and your son. You said she drives drunk. I pray you never let your son in the car with her. You also said she goes to his school drunk. In my state, teachers and other school employees are mandated reporters, so I would think it is only a matter of time until one of them reports her. I would hate to see your son taken away from you, it would be even more trauma to add to his life.
Please stick around, best wishes to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with the pain and turmoil of living with an alcoholic.
I finally reached the end of my rope with my A son and called a treatment facility. They helped me arrange an intervention with my son. It wasn't easy and that process is not for everyone. It doesn't always work and it can alienate the alcoholic. Now that I've given that disclaimer of all of the negative that can result, I can tell you that there is also positive that can result. It can be the means of getting your wife into treatment.
In the meantime, you will hear over and over here in SR that you need to concentrate on yourself. Believe me, I didn't understand that at first but eventually I began to see how I only have control of myself. Changing ME has brought me serenity.
Stick around and visit, read and post often. You will find a great deal of wisdom, kindness, reality checks, and compassion here.
gentle hugs
I finally reached the end of my rope with my A son and called a treatment facility. They helped me arrange an intervention with my son. It wasn't easy and that process is not for everyone. It doesn't always work and it can alienate the alcoholic. Now that I've given that disclaimer of all of the negative that can result, I can tell you that there is also positive that can result. It can be the means of getting your wife into treatment.
In the meantime, you will hear over and over here in SR that you need to concentrate on yourself. Believe me, I didn't understand that at first but eventually I began to see how I only have control of myself. Changing ME has brought me serenity.
Stick around and visit, read and post often. You will find a great deal of wisdom, kindness, reality checks, and compassion here.
gentle hugs
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome. glad you are here. I too tried many things to "Help" my ex husband, but it took me walking away getting help with allanon and my friends here to see that I was not good for him. We have divorced, and I miss him so very much, however it took moving on, protecting our children from him and letting go. Once I moved on he went down hill fast, but now he is going on 5 months sober. I had to stop telling him to see that he had the problem, and fix me. They get help when they want help, not when we want it for them. it sucks but it is the truth for most. I encourage you to find a allanon group near you, and depending on the age of your son, there is allateen and pre teen allanon, he could use it to.
Good luck, we are here for you
Kermmie
Good luck, we are here for you
Kermmie
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