I need to know where you all get your strength from
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 34
Queen - I am just like you, have been on SR for years, wondering when "i'll get it". I did, finally. I don't want to lose all I have, house, cars, status - but realized that I don't really have anything. Those are temporary, my spirit is what I travel with always. I have been with my AH 20+ years, 2 kids, and I just kept repeating the same patterns year after year after year. I would halfheartely search for a place and never follow through. I would pray every begining of the year, promising myself - Not another year like the last. I finally got the courage as my body kept telling me that I had too or die. I felt myself literaly breaking down. My chest hurt all the time, my whole body ached. I had headaches every day, no energy. I was slipping into a terrible depression. I begain looking at apartments again. I found one in my old neighborhood and just signed a lease on an apartment last friday. I didn't think I could qualify for it, but my HP had other plans. I haven't moved yet, haven't told my husband, but will 1 week before as he may get crazy. I am buying furniture from the Salvation Army and getting it prepared a little at a time. (No money)! But, I can't let the fear dicate my life anymore. I thought this morning that I have been afraid for most of my life and now it is time to step out on faith. Yes, I am scared, but I am more scared of dying tomorrow without the chance of ever really living. I don't know what the future holds as I am still responsible for the mortgage on our home, but, I will manage.
You will to..take an action, you have to truly put your self and your well being above anything else. I am putting my AH in God's hands, he knows best. Put your self first my dear Queen. You are so worthy. See you on Serenity Lane!
CBB
You will to..take an action, you have to truly put your self and your well being above anything else. I am putting my AH in God's hands, he knows best. Put your self first my dear Queen. You are so worthy. See you on Serenity Lane!
CBB
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I see no end in sight.
I found that my life turned around drastically when I stopped claiming "I can't" and started to believe "I can."
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I love this thread. QT- I'm glad you're back. You are a strong woman- and you will just know when you are ready. I'm one of the ones who was left by AH. I struggled for years and thought about leaving, but couldn't do it. I loved that man, and had dreams that were not being fulfilled. I waited for him to step up, to quit drinking, to be the man I thought he was. I put all of my happiness on him- and not on me. NOW I see that, but I was not ready to see it then. I now believe my AH gave me a gift. Whether it is "given" to you or not- you can always give it to yourself. If you aren't ready to leave, don't beat yourself up- do what YOU like. Be with people you want to be with. You can only do what you are ready to do- in your own time. And I believe that every conversation you have, every time you post here, every meeting you go to, gets you closer to being ready to do what you need to do for yourself. It will all add up- and propel you into action. Take care. . .
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Wow! Powerful messages above.
Where did my strength come from?
I started to see things for what they were. I, too, was afraid to be alone..afraid that if I kicked him out he would have no where to go..afraid that if I was not in his life then he would surely kill himself using (this one still holds me back a bit as I still keep contact with him but only purely on a friendship level). Fear can hold you back if you let it. It held me back for four years until I finally saw and realized that I was suffering badly from the consequences of his addiction. His addiction!!! I did not share in his crack habit but my health was depleting, I was taking a lot of sick days from work, I was pushing friends and family away, I was secluding myself from life. This is not the kind of life I was meant to live. It became a "it's either him or me". I chose me because I think at the rate I was going health wise, I surely would've had a heart attack long before he would've suffered one from all of the speed he was taking.
Simply put...it really is about "The pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving."
Money can't buy you sanity.
Besides...it's much more fun fulfilling your own wants, needs and desires (when you get used to it) than it is fulfilling someone elses and neglecting your own.
Where did my strength come from?
I started to see things for what they were. I, too, was afraid to be alone..afraid that if I kicked him out he would have no where to go..afraid that if I was not in his life then he would surely kill himself using (this one still holds me back a bit as I still keep contact with him but only purely on a friendship level). Fear can hold you back if you let it. It held me back for four years until I finally saw and realized that I was suffering badly from the consequences of his addiction. His addiction!!! I did not share in his crack habit but my health was depleting, I was taking a lot of sick days from work, I was pushing friends and family away, I was secluding myself from life. This is not the kind of life I was meant to live. It became a "it's either him or me". I chose me because I think at the rate I was going health wise, I surely would've had a heart attack long before he would've suffered one from all of the speed he was taking.
Simply put...it really is about "The pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving."
Money can't buy you sanity.
Besides...it's much more fun fulfilling your own wants, needs and desires (when you get used to it) than it is fulfilling someone elses and neglecting your own.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there Queen, I'm so sorry you are hurting. When my marriage finally fell apart I hurt something awful, but like everybody else in recovery I made it thru.
I had to walk away from a house, business, and all sorts of things. What helped me do that was a little saying I heard from a sponsor:
"Anything I can hold with my hands is not worth holding on to. Only those things I can hold in my heart are worth holding on to."
The most important thing I need to hold on to with my heart is my self respect, and I was giving that away a little bit every day that I stayed in a sick marriage.
Strength? I get it from other people in recovery. I get it from doing the steps with my sponsor, from listening to newcomers share their pain, from old-timers share their experience. I get _one_ days worth of strength by working my program for one day. Just today, and by not worrying about tomorows strength because I'm not in tomorrow yet. I'm just in _today_.
Look at all the compassion, love and experience that people have poured out to you here. There's a whole days worth of strength there for you, just borrow that strength from all these wonderful people here and use it to get you thru today. Then come back again tomorow, there will be lots more for you then.
Mike (((( hugs )))))
I had to walk away from a house, business, and all sorts of things. What helped me do that was a little saying I heard from a sponsor:
"Anything I can hold with my hands is not worth holding on to. Only those things I can hold in my heart are worth holding on to."
The most important thing I need to hold on to with my heart is my self respect, and I was giving that away a little bit every day that I stayed in a sick marriage.
Strength? I get it from other people in recovery. I get it from doing the steps with my sponsor, from listening to newcomers share their pain, from old-timers share their experience. I get _one_ days worth of strength by working my program for one day. Just today, and by not worrying about tomorows strength because I'm not in tomorrow yet. I'm just in _today_.
Look at all the compassion, love and experience that people have poured out to you here. There's a whole days worth of strength there for you, just borrow that strength from all these wonderful people here and use it to get you thru today. Then come back again tomorow, there will be lots more for you then.
Mike (((( hugs )))))
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Well, this is going to sound crazy to some, but I get my strength from knowing that everything in life is temporary. Relationships, houses, cars, material things, can all be gone at any time. You could lose those things in a divorce, or you could lose them to a fire, flood, medical disaster, anything. If "things" are all that make life good, then you live in constant fear of losing them.
I'm not saying I don't want things, because I do. I happen to have a nice home and a nice car and a pretty well-paying job at the moment. But, deep down I know that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. And what's more, I'm okay with that. How? Because I trust that life will bring me exactly what I need at any time. Run through the "worst case scenario." For me, right now, that would be losing my job. If that happened, I wouldn't be able to afford my mortgage and would have to sell my house. In this market, I would be lucky to get what I owe on it, so buying another would be a long shot. I would probably have to rent, might have to sell my car and get a cheaper one. I could probably get another job, but in this area chances of making what I make now are slim to none. So, I would either have to settle for a lot less, or move. Neither option sounds appealing, but at the same time, I know I would survive. I also know that there is a chance that when something life-changing happens, it can be a great opportunity. I could re-invent myself. Maybe start a business or get into an entirely different field that is more in line with my creative self. Who knows?
By clinging to and fearing losing what I have, I create suffering and misery. By accepting that everything in this life is temporary, I let go of the fear and live each and every moment to the fullest. That's what living is all about.
Oh, and see Thoreau quote below.
L
I'm not saying I don't want things, because I do. I happen to have a nice home and a nice car and a pretty well-paying job at the moment. But, deep down I know that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. And what's more, I'm okay with that. How? Because I trust that life will bring me exactly what I need at any time. Run through the "worst case scenario." For me, right now, that would be losing my job. If that happened, I wouldn't be able to afford my mortgage and would have to sell my house. In this market, I would be lucky to get what I owe on it, so buying another would be a long shot. I would probably have to rent, might have to sell my car and get a cheaper one. I could probably get another job, but in this area chances of making what I make now are slim to none. So, I would either have to settle for a lot less, or move. Neither option sounds appealing, but at the same time, I know I would survive. I also know that there is a chance that when something life-changing happens, it can be a great opportunity. I could re-invent myself. Maybe start a business or get into an entirely different field that is more in line with my creative self. Who knows?
By clinging to and fearing losing what I have, I create suffering and misery. By accepting that everything in this life is temporary, I let go of the fear and live each and every moment to the fullest. That's what living is all about.
Oh, and see Thoreau quote below.
L
We all know from our own experiences that we can never derive pure peace and happiness from material things. You have stayed with your AH because you are happy having your nice home, car etc, but this hasn't given you the happiness you so crave, in fact, holding on so tightly to these things has in fact given you more suffering and discontent. It is said that
''the more emphasis we place on material development, the more problems we encounter. Pure happiness can only be attained through developing our mind. Through improving our qualities of love and compassion.''
~ Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, 8 steps to happiness.
All you accumulate in this world means nothing. When you leave, which we all must, you will have to leave it all behind. Why waste all this energy and time grasping for something which we cannot keep?
There was a story I heard not long ago of a family who were very rich. The husband lost his job, the bank forclosed on the house and the wife was forced to think about working again, which she had not done for years. Feeling degraded and humiliated about no longer having their money and social standing, the husband attempted suicide.
When I heard this story I was struck at how superficial this mans thoughts had been. He was so miserable about not having his material posessions that he became suicidal, he couldn't even bring himself to consider his wife and his beautiful children, he forgot about all the joys in life. He had spent so long putting all his pride in his belongings and status.
This is an extreme, but it shows just how humans can become wrapped up in the material and miss completely the real meaning of life, the spiritual side of ourselves, valuing what is important, such as our health, family, friends, etc.
These thoughts are what give me strength and help me to balance my life, help me to look for the goodness, and be happy with my lot, for there are always 10 times more people at least, who have less.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I now believe my AH gave me a gift.
Without all of you I'd never have found the strength to grab hold of Anvil's rope. Letting go of my familiar life seemed so hard at the time, but looking back it was easy to make a leap of faith. My life is so good now. I should have taken the leap years ago. But that's not important. What's important is that I DID.
I nominate this thread for a sticky.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Strangely for me, being almost non religious and not a pray-er, I found my strenghth from the serenity prayer.
For some reason it really hit home with me, I don't know why and I don't think I need to know why, but definately the first part is what I keep in my head when times are tough and I need some strength.
I'm changing what I can and I accept there are some things I can't change and have no business trying to change anyway. Once I got my head round that life got easier for me and I realised that my strength was always there, I was just pointing it in the wrong direction.
For some reason it really hit home with me, I don't know why and I don't think I need to know why, but definately the first part is what I keep in my head when times are tough and I need some strength.
I'm changing what I can and I accept there are some things I can't change and have no business trying to change anyway. Once I got my head round that life got easier for me and I realised that my strength was always there, I was just pointing it in the wrong direction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
It's never an easy decision and there is sometimes no clear "right" or "wrong", but I wanted to include these links in this thread which is found in the stickie section at the top of the forum under Recovery/Classic Reading:
sotired77's thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-relapse.html (Need a little support today (there was a relapse))
Purplethistle's thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...m-anymore.html (I don't think I love him anymore.)
sotired77's thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-relapse.html (Need a little support today (there was a relapse))
Purplethistle's thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...m-anymore.html (I don't think I love him anymore.)
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Lifers who sold their souls
No you aren’t. I’m also stuck and racked with guilt about raising kids in this environment. And I’ve been here forever.
QUOTE=queenteree;1777507]Hi Everyone, it's me again. Stupid me that sold her soul to the devil. I know, you are all thinking that I am the biggest fool around, serenity and being away from the chaos is more important than money, that this is what I asked for so just deal with it (and I am to the best of my ability). But what I need to know is where you all get your strength from to leave and leave sometimes pennyless and screwed over and still be happy.
You see, a while back I made the decision to stay with my AH as we had the house on the market, no takers, except if we would walk away with hardly any money, AH owes me money out of my inheritance that I put into the house (and stupidly did not write "loan to house" on checks), I paid off his truck with the promise of getting it back once he got his settlement, all this to the tune of about $30,000. He has still not gotten his settlement, so no money there, and we all know that an active A will fight you tooth and nail to screw you, so I wouldn't get any of that promised money. Also, 6 weeks ago, our dr. told him if he continued to drink, he would be dead in 6 mos. to a year, but then again, how does that dr. know.
This morning I was outside having coffee and it came to me, that I worked hard my whole life to have a loving family, nice home, nice car, etc. Nothing extravagant, just nice (which is what I have). Now I will lose it all to an A, and I can't seem to get passed that. But in the next thought, I realized that is what is meant by selling my soul to the devil. I'm thinking monetary things, and living in hell because of it. I want to break free of this bondage, and no matter how many meetings I go to, no matter how many spiritual books I read, I can't let go of this.
My son said to me this morning that the only hope for my AH is death, he will never be sober, so let's hope he goes quick. I told him that I was also thinking that when he dies, I will not grieve him as the man I loved and was in love with died a long time ago of alcoholism, and what's left is only a shell of a man, a pathetic, sad man, one who I don't care to know or care about.
I am not a money grubbing person by any means, I am truly not, never prayed or wished for money, don't really care about it, I just keep thinking that if I divorce him and he dies, I will never get my fair share. Yet, I am so depressed living in this hell, that anywhere is better than my own home, and I hate waking up every day wishing that today was the day he died.
To top it all off, AH calls me today telling me he was passed over for promotion (drunk at work ALL THE TIME!!!) and his boss asked him if he brings his bad homelife to work (must have been the conversation about drinking). So AH is blaming all his work problems on his bad homelife (we don't even talk at home, unless he tries to start something, then I ignore and walk away). Living w/an A is the absolute hardest thing to do in life and I see no end in sight.
I think I'm the only person who's been at SR for about 2 years that's still w/their A. What's wrong with me????? Thanks for listening to my vent and any ideas you may have on how to get passed this is appreciated.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=queenteree;1777507]Hi Everyone, it's me again. Stupid me that sold her soul to the devil. I know, you are all thinking that I am the biggest fool around, serenity and being away from the chaos is more important than money, that this is what I asked for so just deal with it (and I am to the best of my ability). But what I need to know is where you all get your strength from to leave and leave sometimes pennyless and screwed over and still be happy.
You see, a while back I made the decision to stay with my AH as we had the house on the market, no takers, except if we would walk away with hardly any money, AH owes me money out of my inheritance that I put into the house (and stupidly did not write "loan to house" on checks), I paid off his truck with the promise of getting it back once he got his settlement, all this to the tune of about $30,000. He has still not gotten his settlement, so no money there, and we all know that an active A will fight you tooth and nail to screw you, so I wouldn't get any of that promised money. Also, 6 weeks ago, our dr. told him if he continued to drink, he would be dead in 6 mos. to a year, but then again, how does that dr. know.
This morning I was outside having coffee and it came to me, that I worked hard my whole life to have a loving family, nice home, nice car, etc. Nothing extravagant, just nice (which is what I have). Now I will lose it all to an A, and I can't seem to get passed that. But in the next thought, I realized that is what is meant by selling my soul to the devil. I'm thinking monetary things, and living in hell because of it. I want to break free of this bondage, and no matter how many meetings I go to, no matter how many spiritual books I read, I can't let go of this.
My son said to me this morning that the only hope for my AH is death, he will never be sober, so let's hope he goes quick. I told him that I was also thinking that when he dies, I will not grieve him as the man I loved and was in love with died a long time ago of alcoholism, and what's left is only a shell of a man, a pathetic, sad man, one who I don't care to know or care about.
I am not a money grubbing person by any means, I am truly not, never prayed or wished for money, don't really care about it, I just keep thinking that if I divorce him and he dies, I will never get my fair share. Yet, I am so depressed living in this hell, that anywhere is better than my own home, and I hate waking up every day wishing that today was the day he died.
To top it all off, AH calls me today telling me he was passed over for promotion (drunk at work ALL THE TIME!!!) and his boss asked him if he brings his bad homelife to work (must have been the conversation about drinking). So AH is blaming all his work problems on his bad homelife (we don't even talk at home, unless he tries to start something, then I ignore and walk away). Living w/an A is the absolute hardest thing to do in life and I see no end in sight.
I think I'm the only person who's been at SR for about 2 years that's still w/their A. What's wrong with me????? Thanks for listening to my vent and any ideas you may have on how to get passed this is appreciated.[/QUOTE]
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
"Hi Everyone, it's me again. Stupid me that sold her soul to the devil. I know, you are all thinking that I am the biggest fool around, serenity and being away from the chaos is more important than money, that this is what I asked for so just deal with it (and I am to the best of my ability). But what I need to know is where you all get your strength from to leave and leave sometimes pennyless and screwed over and still be happy."
Waiting for money to be repaid from an active addict is waiting for money that will never be repaid. In the interim, you are not only losing more money, you are losing something much more important: time.
Every moment you spend NOT living your truth is time wasted. You can earn more money. You can't earn more time. Every person has a finite number of pages in their biography. What do you want to do with yours?
For some people, it takes seven (7) attempts at leaving an abusive situation before they are finally able to jump out of a taxi with just $20. You don't leave with nothing. And I don't mean the $20 or a name you can drop to get a room. You leave with your integrity... and you open the possibility of rebuilding your life on your own terms. You may not have money, but you didn't screw yourself over. You're not a victim. You're a survivor.
And happiness comes slowly, unexpectedly... with time. Leaving a marriage is heartbreaking but transitional.
Waiting for money to be repaid from an active addict is waiting for money that will never be repaid. In the interim, you are not only losing more money, you are losing something much more important: time.
Every moment you spend NOT living your truth is time wasted. You can earn more money. You can't earn more time. Every person has a finite number of pages in their biography. What do you want to do with yours?
For some people, it takes seven (7) attempts at leaving an abusive situation before they are finally able to jump out of a taxi with just $20. You don't leave with nothing. And I don't mean the $20 or a name you can drop to get a room. You leave with your integrity... and you open the possibility of rebuilding your life on your own terms. You may not have money, but you didn't screw yourself over. You're not a victim. You're a survivor.
And happiness comes slowly, unexpectedly... with time. Leaving a marriage is heartbreaking but transitional.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
It took me a long time and 3 children to finally come to the point of separating from my AH. I had to give it all over to Jesus Christ; I had to accept that I may be homeless, completely broke and utterly forsaken by humans but God and serenity were more important. I was working a minimum wage job and a woman there had been through it, too. Her wise words to me were, "Cut your losses and move on." I never forgot those words. Making the decision to stop living with the insanity was first, then God provided what we needed, step by step, strength by strength.
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