I want him to fail
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
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I want him to fail
I'm finding myself in a bit of a predicament at the moment. My heart tells me my marriage is over (13 years, 2 kids), and over the last few months I've given my AH many last chances.
Last week however, we had 'the' conversation (at about 1:00 in the morning after an ugly evening), and I told him the marriage was over and that he should move out. He got as far as packing his bags, but before he walked out the front door he said "I'm too tired to do anything tonight, we'll discuss this in the morning". Well, there was no discussion just a promise to never drink alcohol again, and another promise that "if I slip up one more time I'll walk away".
I thought, "here we go again", as soon as he slips up I can be rid of him. However, he's done 5 days now with no alcohol - he's never done 5 days before! I realise I am jumping the gun a bit and that the odds of him remaining successful are slim, but I have a real concern that he will be successful. There is no confusion about how serious I am now, I think this time he sees clearly what is at stake and this has been the motivation or his "bottom". But, I'm done, I really think the damage has been done, but on the other hand we have children and if he really is successful I have to give it a go for them. It makes me feel sick to think that I have to "try" again with this marriage.
Anyone else been in this situation?
Lorrae
Last week however, we had 'the' conversation (at about 1:00 in the morning after an ugly evening), and I told him the marriage was over and that he should move out. He got as far as packing his bags, but before he walked out the front door he said "I'm too tired to do anything tonight, we'll discuss this in the morning". Well, there was no discussion just a promise to never drink alcohol again, and another promise that "if I slip up one more time I'll walk away".
I thought, "here we go again", as soon as he slips up I can be rid of him. However, he's done 5 days now with no alcohol - he's never done 5 days before! I realise I am jumping the gun a bit and that the odds of him remaining successful are slim, but I have a real concern that he will be successful. There is no confusion about how serious I am now, I think this time he sees clearly what is at stake and this has been the motivation or his "bottom". But, I'm done, I really think the damage has been done, but on the other hand we have children and if he really is successful I have to give it a go for them. It makes me feel sick to think that I have to "try" again with this marriage.
Anyone else been in this situation?
Lorrae
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
I understand where you are and have been there many time. In fact, I'm a step further than you are at this very moment. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow and I can't help but think there's nothing AH will do to change my mind this time. Maybe I'm wrong; he's manipulated me, convinced me before. Just remember what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm responsible for trying to make myself happy; if I don't want to try anymore, then I don't have to. I keep saying that inside my head....
T
T
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Time will give you the answers. In time you will see if he starts drinking or stays sober or gets into recovery. In time you will know whether you want to stay or go regardless of what he does.
In the meantime, do some work on yourself perhaps figuring out what you want for yourself goig forward?
In the meantime, do some work on yourself perhaps figuring out what you want for yourself goig forward?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 257
I think it is a little cold that you "want him to fail" you should NEVER want the father of your children to fail in recovery, having said that you also should not feel obligated to try again if you think it is best to leave you should espixcally if you have kids to think about.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
I too am going through the same thing. He has been sober for about 2 weeks. If the damage is done why are you willing to stay? You deserve the best. Doing it for the kids is honorable but this is your life and you need to be happy. If you reconcile later after changes have happen that is great. If you can forgive that is great. However this decision to keep the marriage together is yours as well. He may be willing to walk away but are you willing to stay? Ok I just had an ahah moment. I too have been thinking that I want AH to fail. But that is not true. I want him to be sober. What I am really wanting is for the pain to stop and for my kids to quit seeing things like this. I am no longer willing to live my life day to day wondering if and when the drinking and abuse will resurface.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Yes, although I wasn't married. I gave my exabf many many chances to make the change/get sober/stop the verbal abuse. Many many times he did just as your husband is now, he stopped drinking. But then he'd start again and I'd find myself going through this roller coaster again and again.
When I finanlly decided to call it a day, the abf was drinking a hell of a lot less than he had done before, he was staying sober for a week or so at a time. For me, I could no longer go around this merry go round with him, I wanted stability amoungst other things, and the constant dread of ''will he be sober when I get home or not?'' was killing me inside.
For him, he had a big problem understanding why I was ending it when in his eyes he was trying really hard to overcome his problem and is still trying now, 2 months after we split. For me, I now have my piece of mind back, which I so desperately needed. I had as you say, had enough of it. I had given all I could give and all my last chances had ran out.
At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel is right for you. It is tiring to be in this type of relationship. There are also other options, if you still love him, such as separating while he works on getting sober and you work on healing yourself. For me, I could no longer stay with him out of a sense of obligation or guilty emotions. I still loved my abf and I know he loved me too. It was heartbreaking to end it, but the right thing to do for me, for my sanity and my wellbeing.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When I finanlly decided to call it a day, the abf was drinking a hell of a lot less than he had done before, he was staying sober for a week or so at a time. For me, I could no longer go around this merry go round with him, I wanted stability amoungst other things, and the constant dread of ''will he be sober when I get home or not?'' was killing me inside.
For him, he had a big problem understanding why I was ending it when in his eyes he was trying really hard to overcome his problem and is still trying now, 2 months after we split. For me, I now have my piece of mind back, which I so desperately needed. I had as you say, had enough of it. I had given all I could give and all my last chances had ran out.
At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel is right for you. It is tiring to be in this type of relationship. There are also other options, if you still love him, such as separating while he works on getting sober and you work on healing yourself. For me, I could no longer stay with him out of a sense of obligation or guilty emotions. I still loved my abf and I know he loved me too. It was heartbreaking to end it, but the right thing to do for me, for my sanity and my wellbeing.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Thanks for all the replies. Firstly I feel I should clarify - of course I don't want him to fail, I've been pleading for this for 10+ years! I guess it was a poor choice of words and just a manifestation of my frustration I was feeling.
I'm frustrated because I'm thinking maybe all this time all I needed to do was to tell him to pack his bags like I did last week - a bit of tough love some might call it. It's since then that he's seemed so commited to not drinking.
Previously in my more co-dependent days I'd just ask him nicely so as not to upset his feelings, something like this:
Me (speaking nicely and softy) "You're drinking is really getting quite bad, I think you need to do something about, it's not very nice to live with"
Me (what I was actually thinking) "If you stagger near me with your drunken smelly breath one more f***ing time I'll kick your ass out the door so f***ing quick.....etc.etc.etc" But I wasn't brought up to talk like that!!lol
He thinks "Ooo, she's a bit cross, I'd better cut back this week and give her a cup of tea in bed tomorrow morning - that'll fix it".:wtf2
Aaaarrgh. Maybe if I'd been tougher years ago I wouldn't be in this horrible situation now. Anyhow, this is the situation I am in and so, because we have kids I will give it my best shot, and as Barbara says, I'll know in time if it can be salvaged or if there is simply too much water under the bridge.
Thanks for listening.
I'm frustrated because I'm thinking maybe all this time all I needed to do was to tell him to pack his bags like I did last week - a bit of tough love some might call it. It's since then that he's seemed so commited to not drinking.
Previously in my more co-dependent days I'd just ask him nicely so as not to upset his feelings, something like this:
Me (speaking nicely and softy) "You're drinking is really getting quite bad, I think you need to do something about, it's not very nice to live with"
Me (what I was actually thinking) "If you stagger near me with your drunken smelly breath one more f***ing time I'll kick your ass out the door so f***ing quick.....etc.etc.etc" But I wasn't brought up to talk like that!!lol
He thinks "Ooo, she's a bit cross, I'd better cut back this week and give her a cup of tea in bed tomorrow morning - that'll fix it".:wtf2
Aaaarrgh. Maybe if I'd been tougher years ago I wouldn't be in this horrible situation now. Anyhow, this is the situation I am in and so, because we have kids I will give it my best shot, and as Barbara says, I'll know in time if it can be salvaged or if there is simply too much water under the bridge.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Lorraeoz,
Although I am now divorced in my 50's, when I was much younger and my kids were very little, 3 year old and baby, my then husband went to a rehab when I began talking divorce. Upon his leaving the rehab, I had to decide whether to give it another go or continue with my divorce plans. I VERY RELUCTANTLY let him come back to our home "to try" and make it. I was not happy at all, having already decided in my head how I would be fine on my own taking care of my kids, whom he had badly neglected in his alcoholism. I refused alanon and wouldn't even go to the treatment center for family sessions. I just had NOTHING in me to give to this man after shouldering so much responsibility for so long. I didn't trust him, didn't even like him, but I let him come back, thinking give him the chance, at least. He managed to stay sober for 14 years. I think it took me about 2 years to fully love and trust him again, but I did and my kids got a chance to know their father. I truly feel it was a gift I gave to him and them. And although things didn't turn out happily ever after (he relapsed in their teens), those years count for all of them in their relationship, good or bad. I think I was very immature during those years, though, and would have benefitted much more with an alanon program.
So I do know your feelings of "it is over." But I also know that it can be rekindled. It is a tough spot to be in, for sure.
Although I am now divorced in my 50's, when I was much younger and my kids were very little, 3 year old and baby, my then husband went to a rehab when I began talking divorce. Upon his leaving the rehab, I had to decide whether to give it another go or continue with my divorce plans. I VERY RELUCTANTLY let him come back to our home "to try" and make it. I was not happy at all, having already decided in my head how I would be fine on my own taking care of my kids, whom he had badly neglected in his alcoholism. I refused alanon and wouldn't even go to the treatment center for family sessions. I just had NOTHING in me to give to this man after shouldering so much responsibility for so long. I didn't trust him, didn't even like him, but I let him come back, thinking give him the chance, at least. He managed to stay sober for 14 years. I think it took me about 2 years to fully love and trust him again, but I did and my kids got a chance to know their father. I truly feel it was a gift I gave to him and them. And although things didn't turn out happily ever after (he relapsed in their teens), those years count for all of them in their relationship, good or bad. I think I was very immature during those years, though, and would have benefitted much more with an alanon program.
So I do know your feelings of "it is over." But I also know that it can be rekindled. It is a tough spot to be in, for sure.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think TIME is all you have to go on now. But that TIME is on YOUR side. You sound strong and understand your co-dependent ways, that's half the battle.
Your AH has been sober 5 days, that in it self is a good thing, what is HIS plan to continue being sober? Is he planning on attending AA or addiction counseling? I think WITHOUT a plan of action on his part, TIME is again on your side.
Are you strong enough to stick to your wants if he does drink again? If you don't feel strong enough, what is your plan of action for when or if he drinks again?
I think no matter what HE does the more important issues is YOU and what you want and what you do to get a happier and healthy life you deserve.
Your AH has been sober 5 days, that in it self is a good thing, what is HIS plan to continue being sober? Is he planning on attending AA or addiction counseling? I think WITHOUT a plan of action on his part, TIME is again on your side.
Are you strong enough to stick to your wants if he does drink again? If you don't feel strong enough, what is your plan of action for when or if he drinks again?
I think no matter what HE does the more important issues is YOU and what you want and what you do to get a happier and healthy life you deserve.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Ah well, my head told me it wouldn't last. I went home after work to that old familiar stagger and slurring. Strange how I felt more comfortable with the familiar drunk than the sober stranger!
I think I have come to my limit. Now I realise that I definitely don't want to come home to a drunk, but I don't want to come home to him sober either.
I think I have come to my limit. Now I realise that I definitely don't want to come home to a drunk, but I don't want to come home to him sober either.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
I know just how you feel...my AH has been sober for 2 weeks...is moping around the house tonight b/c it's a holiday weekend and he can't drink...I want to feel sorry for him but most of me just thinks, "Buck up! you caused this yourself!"
I'm on my 3rd day of quitting smoking, so I don't have much sympathy right now!
Anyway...2 weeks ago I was on a vacation and got drunkenly called and screamed at b/c I was wasting money, etc. Of course it was ok for him to get the kids (girl 18 and boy 16) all worked up over the whole thing--and then he's the good guy for quitting drinking...
I'm rambling, I know...but LorraeOz I know just how you feel. When I was gone I'd told him that when I got back the marriage (19 1/2 yrs) would end; he actually did talk to an att'y. But he talked me into trying again...said he wasn't drinking...and he hasn't, but b/c he can't have fun (i.e., get falling down drunk), I have to sit and spend my evening alone on the computer, etc.
So, no, I don't want him to fail--but I don't want to be in this position every day either...feeling bad for him and then resenting having to feel bad for him...
This whole life is crazy!
Lori
I'm on my 3rd day of quitting smoking, so I don't have much sympathy right now!
Anyway...2 weeks ago I was on a vacation and got drunkenly called and screamed at b/c I was wasting money, etc. Of course it was ok for him to get the kids (girl 18 and boy 16) all worked up over the whole thing--and then he's the good guy for quitting drinking...
I'm rambling, I know...but LorraeOz I know just how you feel. When I was gone I'd told him that when I got back the marriage (19 1/2 yrs) would end; he actually did talk to an att'y. But he talked me into trying again...said he wasn't drinking...and he hasn't, but b/c he can't have fun (i.e., get falling down drunk), I have to sit and spend my evening alone on the computer, etc.
So, no, I don't want him to fail--but I don't want to be in this position every day either...feeling bad for him and then resenting having to feel bad for him...
This whole life is crazy!
Lori
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
It is crazy and I went back and forth for years. Each "next time" was worse than the time before it in terms of how much it hurt. We move when we are ready. Some of us hang on longer than others. For me, it was a second marriage and I really didn't want to give up on it so I stuck a little longer (!) than was probably healthy. It's hard. You want to have hope but there's really not much reason to hope. Yet you hear these stories of people who miraculously recovered and you think your story might be the same. I wish I had made my move earlier. I am finding things out now that I didn't know before and the whole mess was going on a lot longer than I knew. R.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
The drunk that we know is so predictable........the sober husband/wife/partner is not. When you have got used to living with drunken chaos it is hard to let go - we know which part to play. When our A is sober it is a whole different ball game.
I am sorry you are going through all this right now - as many above has said start to work on youself and good things will follow. When I started working on myself life got so much better - I still have lots more work to do but I am learning and it gets easier with practice! It is still hard at times but then I look back to six months ago and I see how far I have come....I will not be going back there.
I now look forward to the weekends, I have set boundaries, and I am happy. I rarely get involved in the chaos anymore - it is no longer my problem (it actually never was but it took me a long time to realise that!) - I am far from perfect but I getting better every day - I like my life and once you start to step away it gets easier and I have learnt so much about me
There is so much information and wisdom on here, personnally I learnt so much from this very forum - I wish you well on your journey. All the best Phiz
I am sorry you are going through all this right now - as many above has said start to work on youself and good things will follow. When I started working on myself life got so much better - I still have lots more work to do but I am learning and it gets easier with practice! It is still hard at times but then I look back to six months ago and I see how far I have come....I will not be going back there.
I now look forward to the weekends, I have set boundaries, and I am happy. I rarely get involved in the chaos anymore - it is no longer my problem (it actually never was but it took me a long time to realise that!) - I am far from perfect but I getting better every day - I like my life and once you start to step away it gets easier and I have learnt so much about me
There is so much information and wisdom on here, personnally I learnt so much from this very forum - I wish you well on your journey. All the best Phiz
Last edited by PHIZ007; 05-23-2008 at 08:00 PM. Reason: spelling errors!
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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It was a sad day for me when I realized that it was too little too late. I had been asking/demanding change or I was going to leave the marriage. My ex actually started working really hard and stuck with it for awhile. The sad reality was that I was DONE. I was done with him, done with the marriage, done with the promises and lies and all that stuff. Maybe it wasn't right, it wasn't fair, but it was my truth. And I learned in recovery that I needed to honor my own truth.
It wasn't easy, but I left the marriage. I didnt see myself ever trusting him again, and I didn't see myself living in constant fear of when that other shoe was going to drop.
He married again, and I think she has a healthier version of him than I ever had. I'm not sorry- because even if I had that "new & improved guy" I still don't think it would have been the same for me.
Hugs
Cats
It wasn't easy, but I left the marriage. I didnt see myself ever trusting him again, and I didn't see myself living in constant fear of when that other shoe was going to drop.
He married again, and I think she has a healthier version of him than I ever had. I'm not sorry- because even if I had that "new & improved guy" I still don't think it would have been the same for me.
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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LorraeOz--
"But, I'm done, I really think the damage has been done, but on the other hand we have children and if he really is successful I have to give it a go for them"
No you don't.
A good marriage is what's good for children to be around. If you are done then you are done. You can't pretend for the sake of your kids. That's sick.
The reason you want him to fail is becasue it relieves you of having to take total responsibility for wanting to leave! It's totally understandable. And once he had his 5 days of sobriety you were actually disappointed - because what you really want is to be free of this relationship, it seems to me that's what your gut was telling you.
I used to wish my husband would die on the way home from work or a business trip. How SICK is that? That I actually thought that would be better or easier than divorcing him??!! After letting this horrible wish fester for a while I was finally like, DUH!!!! I didn't really want my children's father to die - I just wanted to get a divorce! Slow pitiful me, though, I stuck it out a little longer until he flipped out one day and then I was like - wow I gotta get outta here! By not honoring my inner voice I was ultimately endangering my mental and physical health.
What's best for you and your TRUE mental health is best for your children every time.
Peace,
B.
"But, I'm done, I really think the damage has been done, but on the other hand we have children and if he really is successful I have to give it a go for them"
No you don't.
A good marriage is what's good for children to be around. If you are done then you are done. You can't pretend for the sake of your kids. That's sick.
The reason you want him to fail is becasue it relieves you of having to take total responsibility for wanting to leave! It's totally understandable. And once he had his 5 days of sobriety you were actually disappointed - because what you really want is to be free of this relationship, it seems to me that's what your gut was telling you.
I used to wish my husband would die on the way home from work or a business trip. How SICK is that? That I actually thought that would be better or easier than divorcing him??!! After letting this horrible wish fester for a while I was finally like, DUH!!!! I didn't really want my children's father to die - I just wanted to get a divorce! Slow pitiful me, though, I stuck it out a little longer until he flipped out one day and then I was like - wow I gotta get outta here! By not honoring my inner voice I was ultimately endangering my mental and physical health.
What's best for you and your TRUE mental health is best for your children every time.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Thanks Bernadette, your post certainly hits the nail on the head.
I know I have to do something. I find my days (over the past 6 months) are totally consumed by his behaviour. I can't seem to focus on anything, to the point that I had to tell my boss what was happening at home to explain my lack of concentration. My mental and now physical health are becoming impaired. I so badly want to make the right decision. I feel tremendous responsibility on my shoulders because I am well aware that the decision to stay or go will impact on 4 people not just me.
Thankfully, he has announced that he is going on a fishing trip this weekend so I'll have the kids and the house to myself - I badly need the space at the moment.
Thanks for all the replies.
I know I have to do something. I find my days (over the past 6 months) are totally consumed by his behaviour. I can't seem to focus on anything, to the point that I had to tell my boss what was happening at home to explain my lack of concentration. My mental and now physical health are becoming impaired. I so badly want to make the right decision. I feel tremendous responsibility on my shoulders because I am well aware that the decision to stay or go will impact on 4 people not just me.
Thankfully, he has announced that he is going on a fishing trip this weekend so I'll have the kids and the house to myself - I badly need the space at the moment.
Thanks for all the replies.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya LorraeOZ
This is exactly why recovery is not too strong a word for what we need:
"I find my days (over the past 6 months) are totally consumed by his behaviour. I can't seem to focus on anything, to the point that I had to tell my boss what was happening at home to explain my lack of concentration. My mental and now physical health are becoming impaired."
If we continue to focus on others at the expense of ourselves and what we know to be healthy, our lives become unmanageable. You feel overwhelmed in this moment because you are finally acknowledging the beast that all these years of denial have created.
But don't panic!
Life is fluid and ever changing. Your kids will adapt, and so will you, and slowly, slowly, one foot in front of the other, you will create the life you want and deserve.
You can use the tools of recovery to help you move forward. I found AlAnon very helpful. I mean, its sole purpose is to help people dealing with these exact situations and there is a wealth of good info there.
Deep breaths. One day, one thing at a time! Remember kids learn through adversity and they learn by example. It's how you deal with the tough stuff, not whether tough stuff exists, that impacts children. Sending a prayer your way for some peace of mind!!
Peace,
B.
This is exactly why recovery is not too strong a word for what we need:
"I find my days (over the past 6 months) are totally consumed by his behaviour. I can't seem to focus on anything, to the point that I had to tell my boss what was happening at home to explain my lack of concentration. My mental and now physical health are becoming impaired."
If we continue to focus on others at the expense of ourselves and what we know to be healthy, our lives become unmanageable. You feel overwhelmed in this moment because you are finally acknowledging the beast that all these years of denial have created.
But don't panic!
Life is fluid and ever changing. Your kids will adapt, and so will you, and slowly, slowly, one foot in front of the other, you will create the life you want and deserve.
You can use the tools of recovery to help you move forward. I found AlAnon very helpful. I mean, its sole purpose is to help people dealing with these exact situations and there is a wealth of good info there.
Deep breaths. One day, one thing at a time! Remember kids learn through adversity and they learn by example. It's how you deal with the tough stuff, not whether tough stuff exists, that impacts children. Sending a prayer your way for some peace of mind!!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: virginia
Posts: 13
today is my first official day on this forum. Have been reading the posts for a few days and decided to try it out. After reading these past few posts, I totally know the feeling of the wanting them to fail. It's not so much I want anyone to fail, I just don't want to get hopes up to have them smashed. I have done the leave and come back home thing way too many times. Finally, I got the nerve and guts to just leave fr me. So many times it was to show him how out of control he was. But now this time it is for me. There comes a time when we make a decision cause we want happiness and peace for ourselves. Spending so much of my life being sure the other person is good. I totally forgot about myself. And the scary thing is if he recovers too quickly and I am not ready to go back I would have to stand up, get the guts to say I am now not ready to be home. That is where the real honesty gets hard.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
Last week however, we had 'the' conversation (at about 1:00 in the morning after an ugly evening), and I told him the marriage was over and that he should move out
is he packing his bags too?
what i found with myself, is that i would threaten, he would be good for a bit, and then slip right back to his old behavior.
it's not good to establish boundaries and then not enforce them. better to say nothing really. they know we don't mean it and play on that.
it's amazing to me they can just get up in the morning as if nothing has happened. but in some way, we feed that illusion.
hope you get off the wheel. peace and contentment await you!
naive
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