loner1968

How can an addict or alcoholic say "I know I have a problem but I don't think I can stop" and still be in denial? Isn't this just an exuse to keep using?

LaTeeDa

How can a codependent say "I know I'm living with an alcoholic who doesn't want to get better, but I will stay in hopes that things change?" Isn't it just an excuse to keep from facing their own problems?

L

tejay92630

My interpretation of that statement wouldn't be "denial". My guess would be whomever is making that statement seems to be aware of his or her problem but just isn't ready, either physically and/or mentally, to deal with it yet.

loner1968

Just asking...I dont live with an alcoholic but my mom is back to drinking so......

loner1968

L,
I dont know the answer to that one either.

LaTeeDa

Well, my point was, it doesn't matter. If someone else is in denial or not. If someone else is an alcoholic, narcissist, spoiled brat, or messy eater. It just doesn't matter.

I lived the first 40 years of my life desperately trying to control others. It left me a miserable mess. When I finally let go of the idea that I could change other people if only I could understand their motiviation, that's when things started coming together for me.

L

loner1968

I dont want to change anyone anymore. It doesn't matter. They do what they do.

LaTeeDa

What about you? Is there anything you want to change about you?

L

Kindeyes

I think it's the kind of denial that "it can't happen to me" or "I can control it but I can't live without it". Denial? Yeah.

geees poncho

I don't see denial or an excuse
I hear someone at there wits end, doesn't see any hope,
and is affraid to reach out. these people need to be taken by the hand
and lead to recovery. perfect for a old fashion 12 step with some
old fashion AAs. try to set one up via your nearest AA meeting or club.
These 12 step interventions work best the mourning after. so its best to have a couple AAs on stand by.

Good luck

LaTeeDa

Again, I go back to the question--what does it matter? I've looked back over your history of posting and all the threads you have started are questions about others. What about the ex on myspace? What about narcissism? What about denial?

What about you? Why is it you cannot focus on yourself?

L

loner1968

L,
In response to your posts I want to say that I may have been trying to control others in the past without even knowing it. I guess thats what codies do. So trying to understand other people's motivations was par for the course. I am starting to understand, through these forums, that it is not the way to go. As far as my trying to figure out if someone is in denail, The x's myspace page etc from my past posts- I feel that I was trying to figure out if I had done all the things wrong that I have always been told I did. Again...codie...Looking at the x's myspace page actually helped me after I came down off my angry high horse and from help from SR.
I came to realise that I DID not do all those things wrong and that My X really wanted a woman that would help him get drunk and allow him to go lower than he ever did before. At first I hated her for it but now I see that they are both sick and I am sick too.
I would not bend over backwards for him and it caused strife. I don't want to be like that and I do not have to. So I have been focusing on myself and learning. I may have gone about it differently but that's just the way it is.
I was convinced to a point that everything he said to me was true. That is where my mind was at. My sense of self is warped and it's not going to change over night.
When I asked the questions in my past posts I read the answers and thought a bout them and they eventually did bring me back to me. I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made alot of mistakers but now I see that no matter what I did or said it would not have mattered. It was a hard pill to swallow to realize that some people really just don't care about you and will do anything thay can to get what they want.

Pajarito

loner, I want to say that I also have had a huge problem with trying to control- or understand others motives- to the point of making myself sick. I grew up in a very dysfunctional house- the oldest child. It was my "job" to control the situation with my siblings as much as I could to try to prevent my dad from blowing up. Little did I realize, but it did me no good. I spent a lot of energy trying to anticipate the worst in others- to prepare. It is very difficult to unlearn that kind of ingrained behavior- after 40+ years.

I am still doing this- even though AH is not living with me, I keep looking back trying to figure out why he did/said what he did. Why can't I fully focus on my future? I don't know. I am re-realizing this in myself and am trying to learn from your thread- and I guess I want you to know that I can relate. At least I can also identify this as being a problem I want to work on. I think you seem to be getting there too. No- we are not perfect, but I know I am making some progress. Some days are slower than others, but I will get there. Be compassionate with yourself.

loner1968

Pajarito.
Thank You. It's really hard isn't it? I grew up the same way. Oldest child with one younger sister but always had to watch everyone elses kids while they got drunk. Went from my crappy dysfunctional home to living with another addict/drunk. But I told myself...this is what life is like...you love someone you fight it out...I was dead set on thinking that if I did everything right It would change. So typical...can't believe I didnt see..but didnt know any better .
As far as our break up...I Didnt even know most of the stuff he did till he was gone and then decided to tell me all about it.
I really don't know what it is like to relax. I am hypervigilant and wound up tighter than a piano wire. I was able to forgive my mom for what she did or didnt do but didnt see that I need to forgive myself. Still havent figured out If I forgive the x. Some days I do...somedays I wish his D--K would fall off and drop into a sewer!!
I have a love/hate relationship with myself to this day and I am 39! Parts of me were not my choosing but now I am finally starting to see that I can get through this. Its almost like I didnt want to let it all go because hanging on for dear life and fighting is ALL I was ever "taught" I was not taught what I needed to be taught to be a grown woman and my x really used that against me. I was never good enough, never dressed right..wasn't sexual enough on and on...
I am still trying to get all of that out of my head. Like you said its slow.
Too bad we didnt have someone to tell us how good we were or how well we did things. It was always "What are you stupid?" And the big lesson I was taught from my father "Life is a $hit sandwich and everyone has to take a bite" Yeah it is but You shouldnt teach a young girl that!
Anyway...I'm tired of worrying about everyone else and I'm glad you felt that my posts helped a little. I'm glad we are here.

Pajarito

loner, I am finding that the damage done in child hood can be overcome through counseling. I'll probably go forever- but my issues have followed me around this far, so why not? It took me years to get here, so why not spend the time on myself now to feel better? It won't happen overnight. I found a great woman who has helped me so much. I recommend finding someone you can talk to who can help you to see where your thinking is hurting you and how you can overcome your issues. SR has helped me as well- a great group of people going through a lot of the same things. The one thing I do know about myself is that I will not let the 2 most "important" men (my abusive father and AH) in my life dictate how I feel about myself. My goal is to get healthy and focus on me for a change. Life is not a s**t sandwhich. Yes, there's a lot of s**t out there, but I don't have to eat it if I don't want to.