jillybean

tend to come back?

Long story short. Things were ugly for a long time. Finally got to the point where he was arrested. Supposedly not drinking but who knows?

There are pending serious legal charges. He is not allowed to talk to me or be near me. How likely is he to retaliate once all is said and done..the coast is clear for him?

Do we ever get to a point where they see us as too dangerous to deal with? It's easier to fool the innocent for them than to risk someone who is wise to who they really are isn't it?

The alcoholic mind truly baffles me. It took alot for me to finally say enough and have not seen him except for the court appearances. It's traumatizing so I dread the fact we live 10 minutes apart and are in the same community. I never go out alone these days.

Please, if anyone has any experiences to share, I would appreciate it.
I'm in therapy so I am working on me. It's just unsettling not knowing what to expect.

Lived together for 3 years. I was the first to get him to agree to detox in his life along with almost losing the job I callled in favors for. I refused to put up with the lying, the binges (I know in my heart he was drinking more than that) the sneaking and the abuse so I am worthless now aren't I?????

No children or shared assets though he abdandoned his belongings both here and in storage even when he was ordered to remove the things from my home. Is that denial on his part or just a warped sense of leaving the door open for the future? Please help me understand how an A thinks about such things. He has a family (is divorced) and I was told he is actively on dating sites so is that a good sign he's moved on for good????

I really feel he never accepted his divorce and that any woman he is with is see as an object and is treated as such. His family treated me just as bad as he did. The lies he told and the things he did to protect his link to his family was at the expense of my health and safety. There is nothing healthy about his former family life. He told me that it is nothing more than a "drunken party atmosphere." He's back where he belongs though his ex has been in a relationship and has made it clear she does NOT want him back. IMO he needs a woman to abuse because the booze doesn't dull all the anger frustration and resentment he feels. He is also incapable of true intimacy and honesty so unless he is able to find a really weak partner, he will be hunting for some time to come.

I am glad I am out!!!!!!


I don't want him back in my life. He made his choice of his addiction over a healthy relationship and life. I am asking for help to be prepared for what MAY come down the road. This is all new to me. This is the first time I did what was best for me instead of protecting and enabling him. I just want to feel as safe as I can.

Thanks,
Jilly

(sheepishly..please no lectures, I've had plenty and the legal process is enough to drive the message home... trust me!!!!)

carolineb

jilly~

if you are TRULY done, then absolutely, be prepared that you will hear from him again. I am speaking from experience and regret..........

treat him as you would a child predator in your neighborhood. Don't look at him, talk to him or correspond with him in any way. He will play you like a fiddle if you allow it and before you know it you will be sucked back in only to face heartache again. This, my friend, is an absolute guarantee. Don't fall for ANY OF IT.

carolineb

....one more thing. Yes, of course he's on dating websites. They can't stand to be alone....for even a minute. He will sink his teeth into someone else and suck their blood. He will find a victim........but he will still contact you. Guaranteed.

lexusgirl

This is taken from Toby Rice Drews book Getting Them Sober Volume 4

"You can marry him; divorce him; remarry someone else; repeat the process. And the probabliity is that he'll still want to be with you (whatever that means to him), in the long run.

jillybean

Thank you so much Carolineb and Lexusgirl!

I find it so hard to believe that he would want to come near me after all that has happened. In the last few months before the end, the abuse was daily. He denied drinking but he would push my buttons and start arguments knowing I would not let him back home and he would party with his family and binge away.

He is so angry with me for finally standing up for myself and holding him responsible for his choices to harm me.

We were never married just in a relationship and living together. This is his 2nd arrest for assaulting me. The first time he scared me with death threats and I wouldn't testify to be safe. This time, I decided that if I was going to die, I would fight.

I have no idea what the outcome of the charges (2 felony counts and 2 misdemeanor counts) will be. The court advocate feels that the likelyhood he will face some conviction is good as I am disabled and he was well aware of it.

He has been a A since he was a preteen so he hasn't developed a healthy core.

But to think that he will come back after all the "trouble" I have caused "HIM" is chilling.

Carolineb, did you have the law involved? He has no respect for rules unless they are his. I have been told that he is keeping a special email and IM account open just for me.

I know that the only response from me if he were to be delusional enough to try and come back is NO RESPONSE at all! you are right on with your advice!

Right now there is a restraining order as well as an order to not abuse me and a stay away order as his bail condition on top of that.

He did write to me that "god dammit, I love you and I'll never stop" before the order took effect.

He made me feel so responsible for all the bad..told me it was just another situation that was blown out of proportion and it was disgusting. When the officer spoke to him he said he didn't understand what all the fuss was about. it was going to blow over in a couple of days. He was wrong. I let him scare me silent the first time. This time he is going to answer for the harm.

He would often mock me when I would get upset at his actions and then ask me if I was done with my tantrum afterwards. Could it be that the thinks that I am having a tantum now????? WOW!! He is wrong! I let him scare me silent the first time. This time he is going to answer for the harm.

I also pray for his future victims. He is also back to searching for former girlfriends all the way back from high school. He is deeply dangerous and disturbed. I just thought I was defective enough to him to be discarded now after what has happened.

He always told me that I was the first person he had a relationship with that he ever felt loved and respected. He has never had that before and that he had finally found what he was looking for all his life. No one, not even me was going to tell him he couldn't have it. I hope it's just quacking and there is no truth to that.

I can tell you that his ex and the rest of his family treat him awfully but I would imagine that some of that is due to their own alcoholism issues and all the horrible things he has done over the years. He has no interpersonal skills that are real. He just knows how to put on a good show to the outer world but behind closed doors...........

Thank you both for answering me. I will check that book out Lexusgirl. It may help me understand and be prepared.

Take good care!
Jilly

Barbara52

I ahve no idea if my STBXAH will ever want to show up in my life again or not. Nor do I care since I do know I want nothing more to do with him.

He has moved on and is in "love" with a woman he has never met. A cyber romance with a woman 20 yrs younger. They are talking marriage! I suspect that as long as he can move on to an new wife, he'll stay away. I think that even if that romance ends he's unlikely to want to come back to me. He's much more likely to find yet another woman than return to me since I think he does know I would shut the door in his face or hang up the phone.

lexusgirl

(((jilly)))

Please take care of yourself. You've been through so very much.

I too have been involved with an abusive man. My son's A Father. It was very hard and I was young and naive. I finally had him arrested after he tried to choke me and punched me in the stomach when I was 4 months pregnant.

I had called the police several times before the intial arrest but couldn't come to terms in having him arrested (back then you had a choice if you wanted to press charges). He still is very disturbed but he is a "fundamentalist born again christian" which hasn't helped him whatsoever. If anything he is even more abusive and disturbed.

I have had to have restraining orders on him for the last 10 years to keep him away from me when he would pick up my son for visitation.

Anyway, you're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie.

kj3880

My crazy ex had to be arrested twice for violating 2 ex-parte orders in two different counties before he finally stopped contacting me. The judge told him "If you so much as send her a card on her Birthday, you'll be sent to jail for at least a year and deported (alien). That is really what it took to stop that maniac. The max time an ex parte can last legally in my state is 2 yrs. So the ex parte expired on Apr 22., 2 years after I got it. So then he called my work on Apr 23 to complain to the front desk receptionist that "She is a horrible person. She left me with nothing and after taking care of me for a year, she put me out wtih no money." How embarrassing. He has no shame at all. What kind of man does that? The receptionist said he sounded drunk. I guess he'll never change. I'm well out of that one, but I need another ex-parte now. How annoying. Oh well, the divorce has been final for a year, he can't do anything to me legally, at least. Just be aware that obsession has no bounds for some men. Don't underestimate it. No, you are not being paranoid in worrying about it. Do whatever you can to keep safe.
KJ

Freedom1990

I moved over 2 hours away from my abusive EXAH. I knew he would be too strung out to bother with hunting me down.

I got some pretty nasty phone calls initially, but after I started hanging up on him, he quit calling.

He did remarry. Better her than me. He was HIV+ when they got married, and neither one knew it at the time.

She buried him last year.

God was definitely watching over me.