Chrysalis123

I'm divorcing my AH. 18 months ago when I was sick and needing care he choose to have an affair, lie, blame , you get the picture. After that shock more truth came to light and I WOKE up from denial. It has been a long hard journey for me.

Last night I found him with another woman at his place because of an incident involving one of the kids. I connected the dots to a lot of odd things and realized he has been involved for quite some time. He won't pay for things the kids need but then blows tons of cash on booze and a hotel room for he and his friend. Odd thing is he won't sign off on the divorce papers either.


This is typical of him. I know this. I know I shouldn't be surprised but I was slammed to the ground by this. I felt like I did when the cops called me when he almost died in a DUI. You know a huge adrenaline rush....I didn't sleep. He even left his dogs with me last night (without asking) so he could have his fun. Sent him an email saying I am not available for dog sitting find other arrangements.

I prayed all night that I would have the stregth to accept this, to not obsess. I am hurting right now. He is neglecting the kids in favor of his new lady...nothing new as he did that to me for 20 years with his booze and drinking buds. I'm so sad because I put up with his crap for so long and came back for more. Atleast I'm feeling something and now I can move on.

I feel better just writing this down. Thanks for listening.

Pajarito

(((Chrysalis))) I don't see this as a slip. Am I missing something? It sounds like you happened upon him with this woman- that you were there for a good reason. If you mean you got emotional about it- that to me is not a slip. It's being human- you have a right to be sad/hurt/upset- whatever. It sounds like you were strong in front of him- and even e-mailed him to deal with his dogs. Alone, though you fell apart. It's ok. Yes- at least you can feel. One thing that has been helping me lately is to get mad- really let it out. A friend told me that that is when you know you are taking care of yourself. Sadness- although we do have to feel it- focuses so much on him, and for me it tends to bog me down. Anger gets me moving. If that's in you- let it out. But don't put yourself down. I don't think you slipped. You are strong- and emotional- a good thing. Hang in there. . . Paj

Chrysalis123

Thanks Paj. I feel liked I slipped because I did engage him. He had the deer in the headlights look when he saw me at his place and when he realized I knew. He went right into manipulation mode and I did get angry. He followed me home and I engaged again, although I did tell him if he stepped one foot into the house I was calling the cops. I also felt i slipped because I lost an entire nights sleep. I couldn't get myself under control. Well atleast I knew I was in a bad place which is progress. Progress not perfection, progress not perfection.


I think I will work getting my anger out. I don't deserve this kind of treatment and neither do my kids.

Bernadette

Hey Chrysalis--
I know you're feeling bad right now but please pat yourself on the back for this quick response:

"Sent him an email saying I am not available for dog sitting find other arrangements."

GENIUS!

I guess I agree with Paj - why do you feel a slip?

If you think feeling bad and reacting to what he is doing is a slip I think you might wanna give yourself a break. All feelings are OK. It is behavior we have to learn to change. Feelings need to be felt and digested in their proper time. Obsessing (about certain incidents, dashed hopes, resentments) is a behavior we can change. Discovering your not-yet-Ex-husband with another woman, and being reminded of what a selfish and neglecful person he is - is upsetting....and we're not alcoholics so we don't drown the feelings and the responsibilities of adulthood. We have to FEEL them. And we have to DEAL.

Unfortunately you have kids with this guy and you will have to have him in your life. My ex H is just another annoying member of my family now - I mean he's part of the family - he can't be denied- he's the father of my children - give yourself some time you WILL be able to roll with his ridiculous behavior after a few years of divorce - it takes time!! Keep working on YOU.

You're doing great- keep moving forward - one foot in front of the other -
Peace,
B.

abcdefg

hi, chrys.

it sounds like you had a VERY unpleasant experience last night to say the least.

whenever i have come out of denial, i have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when another realization hits of what i was invested in with my own insanity. it sounds like you are having those feelings.

one of the things i have the hardest time with about the A (any of them in my life, past or present) is when i feel humiliated by their behavior. no one wants to feel humiliated. even now that i understand that feeling humiliation about what THEY do is just taking on the hurt, the guilt, the fears of the alcoholic (and my ego kicking in), i still struggle with intense feelings around it. it's old stuff for me -- feeling humiliated by my parents' behavior as a kid, etc.

anyway, i agree with the others. doesn't sound like a slip to me.

it does sound like you are having your feelings, which is recovery. i heard in a meeting the other night: the good news with recovery is that we get to have our feelings, the bad news with recovery is that we get to have our feelings.

hang in there. you ARE moving on and you KNOW you deserve better. that's huge.

Pajarito

B- you are GENUIS. Thanks- I get so much out of posts and responses that I didn't even realize I needed until I see them.

Give yourself a big hug and a break Chrysalis- you deserve it.

Something funny- my 60-something therapist told me last week to give myself a f-ing break. First time I've ever heard her drop the f-bomb. Boy did I laugh. :o)

Chrysalis123

Thank you all for your support. This has been a day of spontaneous crying and being very tired! You all are right, I didn't slip I responded to a bad situation like I should have. It is Ok to feel all those feelings. I felt them and they passed and I am doing better now.

I get an A+ for being too hard on myself and a C+ plus for being kind, gentle and accepting. Time to flip that over and trust myself and my inner gut feelings. I am growing and I am getting better I can now say with pride.

abcdef..you hit the nail on the head for me as I am feeling humilated by him and ashamed of myself for how long I have been stuck in this insanity. But today was a lesson in feeling the feelings, reaching out and realizing this too shall pass.

I'm looking forward to the day of viewing STBXAH as a another crazy relative with absolutely ridiculous behavior!

Bernadette

Heya chrysalis123,

"I get an A+ for being too hard on myself and a C+ plus for being kind, gentle and accepting."

That's a pretty good report card for a Codie!! Usually we get an F in being kind, gentle, and accepting of ourselves. So you must be making progress to be in the C range!

Now let's work on Failing to be hard on ourselves!! It's like the codie master class!! Except in this class we'll all be striving for F's!!!

(((hugs)))
hope your day is brighter today!
Peace,
B.