New & could use advise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: scio, or
Posts: 9
New & could use advise
AW went into a 4 week treatment and was released last Thanksgiving. All was well, I think, until last night. I was in the middle of a sleep study for an ailment at a hospital and received a call my AW had just been arrested for DUI. I had to leave the hospital to take care of the kids at 3am. It is now just after 8am and...... does anyone have any advise? This is a place I have never been. As far as I know she was going to outpatient and AA as she should but now I am not sure. I have not been hounding her and I believe that to be the correct approach, right? I always provide time, etc. for her AA & outpatient.
Advise? Insight? Comments?
thank you
Advise? Insight? Comments?
thank you
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I am so sorry.
Living with addiction (even "recovery" from addiction) involves a certain element of uncertainty. Some people can deal with that - others can't.
What are you feeling? Do you think that you can forgive your wife and try to move forward? Are you interested in trying? Take some time to decide what you want.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
-TC
Living with addiction (even "recovery" from addiction) involves a certain element of uncertainty. Some people can deal with that - others can't.
What are you feeling? Do you think that you can forgive your wife and try to move forward? Are you interested in trying? Take some time to decide what you want.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
-TC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: scio, or
Posts: 9
Thanks TC. No, not close to giving up on her. I am for the most part fine. I know she has more guilt than I could ever impose. I just received a call from her mother.
Some more back story.......
A friend of the family was here with the police when I got home making sure the kids were ok. The officer said as he was leaving they were going to charge her with reckless child endangerment (or something like that) because of home alone kids. She was picked up by my mother-in-law's boyfriend from the court house and taken to her mom's house and is now prohibited from coming home until after a court hearing in 10 days.
I am not allowed to see her either because I am the primary caregiver for our 3 year old. I am going to take her some books, a favorite pillow and a bag of clothes to her mother for her. These are things she needs for work and school the next week+.
It sounds to me like she is being held accountable, and I have no problem with that. The $$ will suck as far as vehicle impound and such, but.....what else? Something I should be doing? Or not doing? Don't want to play the part of enabler, but she needs to survive and go to school & work.
Thoughts?
Some more back story.......
A friend of the family was here with the police when I got home making sure the kids were ok. The officer said as he was leaving they were going to charge her with reckless child endangerment (or something like that) because of home alone kids. She was picked up by my mother-in-law's boyfriend from the court house and taken to her mom's house and is now prohibited from coming home until after a court hearing in 10 days.
I am not allowed to see her either because I am the primary caregiver for our 3 year old. I am going to take her some books, a favorite pillow and a bag of clothes to her mother for her. These are things she needs for work and school the next week+.
It sounds to me like she is being held accountable, and I have no problem with that. The $$ will suck as far as vehicle impound and such, but.....what else? Something I should be doing? Or not doing? Don't want to play the part of enabler, but she needs to survive and go to school & work.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
heya Sleepless-
What a bad time you're going through. You're probably feeling a lot of different strong feelings right now (and exhaustion!). (((hug)))
"I believe that to be the correct approach, right? I always provide time, etc. for her AA & outpatient."
Yeah, that IS the right approach - but always remember that all the tools/approaches we use are only tools to help US deal with ourselves and our issues - both in life and in relation to the alcoholics in our life. You can and should use a detached with love approach but it will NEVER EVER result in an addict not using/drinking. You know what I mean. We can't work our tools with any "expectation" of certain behaviors in the alcoholic.
My father spent the last 20 years of his life sober/recovered w/ the help of AA. Yet my mom said - even after many many years if he was ever late meeting her, she had like post-traumatic stress reaction and her heart would be racing and she'd be in a panic thinking he was drinking again. It was very hard for her to live with, and she tried to work AlAnon into her toolbox but she REALLY struggled. So the effects of the "family disease" go on and on even without active addiction present. It's a life long affliction- it never goes away - the active drinking may stop and that's FANTASTIC and necessary but then Recovery is a whole other animal all together....
Take care of yourself and your kids- make sure you focus as intensely on yourself as you can. Not easy, but it's the only way through!! Have you tried AlAnon? Lots of people get answers and help there about how to NOT enable etc. Sounds like you are letting her face her consequences though and that's all good. Again- no expectations but it's the best you can do!
Peace,
B.
What a bad time you're going through. You're probably feeling a lot of different strong feelings right now (and exhaustion!). (((hug)))
"I believe that to be the correct approach, right? I always provide time, etc. for her AA & outpatient."
Yeah, that IS the right approach - but always remember that all the tools/approaches we use are only tools to help US deal with ourselves and our issues - both in life and in relation to the alcoholics in our life. You can and should use a detached with love approach but it will NEVER EVER result in an addict not using/drinking. You know what I mean. We can't work our tools with any "expectation" of certain behaviors in the alcoholic.
My father spent the last 20 years of his life sober/recovered w/ the help of AA. Yet my mom said - even after many many years if he was ever late meeting her, she had like post-traumatic stress reaction and her heart would be racing and she'd be in a panic thinking he was drinking again. It was very hard for her to live with, and she tried to work AlAnon into her toolbox but she REALLY struggled. So the effects of the "family disease" go on and on even without active addiction present. It's a life long affliction- it never goes away - the active drinking may stop and that's FANTASTIC and necessary but then Recovery is a whole other animal all together....
Take care of yourself and your kids- make sure you focus as intensely on yourself as you can. Not easy, but it's the only way through!! Have you tried AlAnon? Lots of people get answers and help there about how to NOT enable etc. Sounds like you are letting her face her consequences though and that's all good. Again- no expectations but it's the best you can do!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Wow, Sleepless, sorry for your pain.
You are right to take steps back from her and not hound her. She ultimately made the choice to drink, so don't beat yourself up over it.
As far as being prohibited from seeing her, I would follow it. I understand you want to help her now, but these things are part of her consequences. Is it possible for someone else to come pick up things for her and help her figure out ways to get to and from work and school?
You are right to take steps back from her and not hound her. She ultimately made the choice to drink, so don't beat yourself up over it.
As far as being prohibited from seeing her, I would follow it. I understand you want to help her now, but these things are part of her consequences. Is it possible for someone else to come pick up things for her and help her figure out ways to get to and from work and school?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: scio, or
Posts: 9
NYC-
Yes, well it is out of my hands. She is about 40 min away from home and I suspect her mother will take care of her. Likely not in her true best interest as this is her mother's first encounter with this problem. But being away from her babies is a huge weight for my AW. I am going to meet her mom to get her things to her. I hope she carpools with her boss to work. He lives near her mom and it will make her take a little more responsibility......
Yes, well it is out of my hands. She is about 40 min away from home and I suspect her mother will take care of her. Likely not in her true best interest as this is her mother's first encounter with this problem. But being away from her babies is a huge weight for my AW. I am going to meet her mom to get her things to her. I hope she carpools with her boss to work. He lives near her mom and it will make her take a little more responsibility......
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