What is enabling?
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Enabling vs Tough Love
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time to resurrect another old classic:
Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
By Robert Burney
""We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
(Many quotes are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
__________________
~~ What other people think of me is really none of my business ~~
Enabling vs Tough Love
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time to resurrect another old classic:
Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love
By Robert Burney
""We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.
Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."
(Many quotes are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.
Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.
[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.
An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."
Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.
When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"
One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.
Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.
__________________
~~ What other people think of me is really none of my business ~~
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Ah! I was just going to post that again. Glad you found it.
I have learned that enabling is to do for someone else that which they can and should do for themselves. I've also learned that it has a lot to do with my motives and expectations.
Here's an example that helped me understand.
Situation: I put $20 worth of gas in my son's car.
#1 - I borrowed his car and am filling it back up. (NOT enabling)
#2 - He ran out of gas the other day on his way to work, so I looked and saw that he might need more gas and I put the gas in (enabling)
#3 - he spent his money on cigarettes and videos and didn't have enough for gas (enabling)
For me it means if I am stepping in so that he doesn't have to experience the joy of his own consequences? Then I am enabling.
I will be interested in others' opinions!
I have learned that enabling is to do for someone else that which they can and should do for themselves. I've also learned that it has a lot to do with my motives and expectations.
Here's an example that helped me understand.
Situation: I put $20 worth of gas in my son's car.
#1 - I borrowed his car and am filling it back up. (NOT enabling)
#2 - He ran out of gas the other day on his way to work, so I looked and saw that he might need more gas and I put the gas in (enabling)
#3 - he spent his money on cigarettes and videos and didn't have enough for gas (enabling)
For me it means if I am stepping in so that he doesn't have to experience the joy of his own consequences? Then I am enabling.
I will be interested in others' opinions!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
For me it means if I am stepping in so that he doesn't have to experience the joy of his own consequences? Then I am enabling.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
This is from an article on how to help them get sober:
Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Do not enable the alcoholic
Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.
I will write more later on being supportive (I have to go back to work).
Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Do not enable the alcoholic
Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.
I will write more later on being supportive (I have to go back to work).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
So here are my examples for being supportive:
I attended my husband's AA meeting in support of him. If I say anything at an open AA meeting, it should be positive and supportive--they are there for recovery. For instance, I thanked his AA meeting for setting a good example to my husband --one guy after the meeting thanked me for the sweet comment.
Setting a good example--His family and I do not drink around him.
If alcoholic is in recovery, acknowledge what they are doing right. If they have any periods of sobriety, let them know that you are proud of them.
It is okay to set boundaries. If they relapse, let them know that you will talk to them when they are sober.
Find out as much as you can about alcoholism. Go to Al Anon so that you can get the support that you need to be best you can with an alcoholic. There are some good books out there such as Getting Them Sober.
:ghug3
I attended my husband's AA meeting in support of him. If I say anything at an open AA meeting, it should be positive and supportive--they are there for recovery. For instance, I thanked his AA meeting for setting a good example to my husband --one guy after the meeting thanked me for the sweet comment.
Setting a good example--His family and I do not drink around him.
If alcoholic is in recovery, acknowledge what they are doing right. If they have any periods of sobriety, let them know that you are proud of them.
It is okay to set boundaries. If they relapse, let them know that you will talk to them when they are sober.
Find out as much as you can about alcoholism. Go to Al Anon so that you can get the support that you need to be best you can with an alcoholic. There are some good books out there such as Getting Them Sober.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
I enabled my wife for a long time and thought I was being 'a loving husband'...
I knew she liked to drink and felt guilty when I didn't want her to, especially if she'd say "Mmm, that margarita looks good!". I'd feel bad and tell her to get her one if she really wanted it. My enabling her led her to know how to manipulate me.
I knew she liked to drink and felt guilty when I didn't want her to, especially if she'd say "Mmm, that margarita looks good!". I'd feel bad and tell her to get her one if she really wanted it. My enabling her led her to know how to manipulate me.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
Ah! I was just going to post that again. Glad you found it.
I have learned that enabling is to do for someone else that which they can and should do for themselves. I've also learned that it has a lot to do with my motives and expectations.
Here's an example that helped me understand.
Situation: I put $20 worth of gas in my son's car.
#1 - I borrowed his car and am filling it back up. (NOT enabling)
#2 - He ran out of gas the other day on his way to work, so I looked and saw that he might need more gas and I put the gas in (enabling)
#3 - he spent his money on cigarettes and videos and didn't have enough for gas (enabling)
For me it means if I am stepping in so that he doesn't have to experience the joy of his own consequences? Then I am enabling.
I will be interested in others' opinions!
I have learned that enabling is to do for someone else that which they can and should do for themselves. I've also learned that it has a lot to do with my motives and expectations.
Here's an example that helped me understand.
Situation: I put $20 worth of gas in my son's car.
#1 - I borrowed his car and am filling it back up. (NOT enabling)
#2 - He ran out of gas the other day on his way to work, so I looked and saw that he might need more gas and I put the gas in (enabling)
#3 - he spent his money on cigarettes and videos and didn't have enough for gas (enabling)
For me it means if I am stepping in so that he doesn't have to experience the joy of his own consequences? Then I am enabling.
I will be interested in others' opinions!
Thanks again
Patrick.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I have difficulty everytime I hear the work unconditonal love and soul mate used as if love between humans is supposed to be unconditional to be real or that we have but one soul mate in life. I firmly believe that love should be conditional, always. Unconditional love just that. I also believe that we have to get away from the notion that we have one soul mate. We can connect and learn from a life time of soul mates who enter our lives with an opportunity to grow from them.
The implication that we have one soul mate leaves us dead in the water when it doesnt work out.
Not all the time in our lives is meant to be spent on romance or marital relationships. We can connect on a spiritual level with the elderly, children, people of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. This is why I think it is so hard to move on from bad relationships, we are somewhat conditioned to think our entire existance must revolve around making one relationship work at the cost of many others.
The implication that we have one soul mate leaves us dead in the water when it doesnt work out.
Not all the time in our lives is meant to be spent on romance or marital relationships. We can connect on a spiritual level with the elderly, children, people of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. This is why I think it is so hard to move on from bad relationships, we are somewhat conditioned to think our entire existance must revolve around making one relationship work at the cost of many others.
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