triciafawn

I guess I kinda riled everything up didn't I. I am so sorry. My thoughts are all over the place right now, I'm usually more focused than this. But this message board has been quite overwhelming, to say the least. So I think it's best that I just try to absorb everything from all the sources, keep going to Al Anon, keep going to church, keep writing in my nightly blog, and keep sending him cards and letters once a week - and just take things day by day, and see what happens after he gets out of treatment. I can't predict the future, nor can I change the past. I'm driving my own self crazy trying to figure all of this out, so I need to stop the insanity. I get angry when I see that others have walked away from their alcoholic significant others - I get angry when I see the lack of compassion in their posts for their alcoholic significant others - BUT I do understand that in the beginning they probably felt the same way I did, but it was a process and a string of disappointments that led them to where they are today. I DO know that there is a time when someone has had enough. Well - I am just at the beginning of this - I am not even at the same place his parents are with this - I am not at the same place his best friend is with this - I am new to all of this. I guess it's going to be a process for ME too, but from where I sit, I am not going anywhere yet.

This is what I DO know:

• He and I were getting to know each other. Maybe I went a little crazy with the love part. But all of us know the euphoria we feel when we are falling in love. He and I were sharing and caring - FOR EACH OTHER - it wasn't one-sided - he treated me well.
• When he left my house that Monday to go check himself into the hospital, he wasn't mad at me. He wasn't leaving me. He just knew what he had to do. I'd been being really tough on him about his drinking. It wasn't the first time he'd been thru it - everyone in his life was on him about it - so as far as him not contacting me - I truly believe that he's just doing what he has to do - our relationship doesn't even matter right now. He owes me no explanation. He's been thru all this before - other women have left him because of his drinking. But he keeps grasping at sobriety - he keeps trying - and I am very thankful for that, for his sake. Sure it would have been nice to hear from him before he left, but he knows that *I* know what he's doing. He knows that I'd been getting updates on him from his mom and his best friend. And he also knows that if we are meant to be, we will be, regardless if it's now, in 3 months, in a year, or in 2 years. He's probably not even expecting me to still be around.....
• You'd have to know him to understand why I feel this way. He's an exceptional man. And awesome, I'm told, when he is truly sober. I want to KNOW that person! And hopefully I will get to. I tried to explain to you how he isolates himself alot of times. That's exactly what he is doing now. I'm not just making excuses for him. It's a "coping" thing for him - and I already knew about it. And as far as the people in his life that he contacted , were ones that he HAD to contact. His counselor friend had been working on him to get help - so that's who he called to bring him to the hospital. His mom. And the only reason why he called his best friend that next Friday is because he needed a place to stay for 3 days before going into the treatment program. He felt bad, he looked bad, he didn't feel like talking, and the anti depressant and the sedatives were curbing any emotions at all. So I DO understand why he didn't call me or involve me in any of this. While he and I were seeing each other, he was portraying the "best" of himself to me. He was embarrassed and ashamed - his best friend even told me that. God forbid, he didn't want me to see him at his worst.
• It's been said to me many times on here, since I've started posting, that I need to concentrate on myself, do things for myself, look inward at why I would keep loving an alcoholic, that I have co-dependency problems, that I must have bigger issues, etc, etc, etc.....well I don't mean anything mean by this, but I don't have any underlying issues. I am not the product of an alcoholic family, I had a wonderful childhood. I used to THINK I had issues, because I never thought I'd be single for this long after my divorce 12 years ago. I am extremely self-reflective - I am extremely hard on myself - and I delve into any issue I might be having in my life and I get to the bottom of things and I always seem to come out of it alive and well. I've dated a LOT of men. I've been involved with just about every TYPE of man that there is. I've walked away, several times, with no problem at all, from men that weren't good for me. I've even walked away from two different alcoholic men in my past. I have an uncanny knack for knowing, within the first 6 weeks of seeing someone, whether it has the potential of becoming a true relationship or not. Trust me - I've gotten HELP. Twice in my life I've been thru psychological counseling. Only to find out that they say nothing is wrong with me, that I am an extremely smart woman, that I know what I'm doing, that I'm wise beyond my years, that one day I will find what I am looking for. I've read self help books. I've attended church and have been a Christian all of my life. I've talked my best friends' ears to death. I AM taking very good care of my teenaged son - he hardly sees his dad - I am the only parent - my son is THE most important part of my world - his views DO matter - and he is also wise beyond his years, however, he doesn't understand relationships, and what it takes for them to be successful. And as far as other stuff about me, I have worked on ME all I can. I'm self sufficient. I'm independent. I love myself. I'm not PERFECT. But I'm READY. And as far as men go - hell, I don't think there is ANYone in this world who doesn't have their fair share of problems. No, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man that has a drinking problem and keeps relapsing. Who does? But there is something to be said for loving someone unconditionally. And being there for them. It isn't the same thing as Enabling them. I truly feel that you can love someone and be there for them, but not enable them. I look at this as if it were my own brother, or either of my parents, instead of my boyfriend. As long as someone keeps embracing sobriety, and keeps trying, and isn't just sitting there wasting away, there IS ALWAYS HOPE. I would NEVER EVER alienate or walk away from someone I truly love, no matter what problem they are having. And lastly, I can't predict the future. Hopefully this was his last time. And I tell you this: I DID learn my lessons from this. I know what I did wrong. And because of my education on this, and I'm still learning, I will know better how to handle things if they should ever come up again. But I DO have faith and believe in him.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm not going to be posting on here for awhile. When I have an update, I will surely let all of you know, because all of you, I mean ALL of you have been SO helpful and I know you really care. But I know as for me, I can't continue to come here everyday and read other stories. I've got to concentrate on the positive.

Thank you all so much. And I'm serious - you guys ARE worth more than thousands of dollars of counseling!

~Tricia

FormerDoormat

There's a saying I've heard several times on SR:

"Everywhere I go, there I am." It means I can't run away from myself. I, too, used to be my own worst enemy. Running away from the truth doesn't solve anything. Funny thing about rose-colored glasses, I was never happy when I wore them.

I'm much happier now that I'm able to look at and face the truth head on.

prodigal

I'm glad you don't have any issues. Underlying or otherwise. I have issues. Underlying and otherwise. Guess that's why I've been here for four years and for me this board serves a purpose for many of us who have lived fractured, self-defeating, generally messed-up lives. I'm a Christian myself. Still, I have issues. I'm glad the Lord has taught me, and is still teaching me, about my own issues through the wisdom he spoke and his parables.

Good luck and take care.

LaTeeDa

gns

It sometimes helps me to play devil's advocate.

What happens if he doesn't come back, ever? What happens if you didn't mean anything to him?

Play out the "worst case scenario". You are very invested in something - what happens if you lose it?

denny57

I don't know why I must be found lacking in compassion so that someone else feels good about their choices.

I've said it before, I'll say it again - I believe, with all my loving heart, that the most compassionate thing I've ever done for the alcoholic in my life is walk away.

justjo

Hi Tricia,
Sounds like you have made your mind up and you definitely know what you want.
Have you asked him?

abcdefg

I could NOT agree MORE.

This is exactly why I ended my most recent relationship.

Triciafawn, I may be WAAAAAY off base, but you sound SO MUCH LIKE I DID BEFORE I STARTED WORKING THE 12 STEPS.

I also enjoyed years of: being described as very smart, wise beyond my years, self-reliant and independent; I had walked away (contentedly) from many relationships that were obviously screwed up; I had years of (quality) therapy of all different kinds, I had very clear goals and priorities and a solid spiritual center. I believed I knew myself inside and out. I believed this the way you believe the sun will rise and set.

What I did NOT have was true humility.

I thought I always knew what was best (not just for me but for everyone else) and the best part was:

I actually thought I was a non-judgmental person. But I, too, would have come on a board like this and reacted to other people's choices -- been angry or frustrated with them for "leaving" the A and not showing enough compassion or annoyed that they stayed "too long."

But what I had NO clue about was that the people who were "leaving" the As were really humbling themselves to the process of letting go -- JUST AS THOSE WHO STAY MUST DO. And as for feeling bothered that they weren't compassionate enough (and who decides this?), I really didn't know one thing about true compassion. And I would be annoyed because I didn't like the discomfort of not having control over someone else -- even a total stranger!

But there I would be, explaining EXACTLY what I meant, knowing how articulate I really am and that I'll give it ONE more shot to make myself clear but if you don't get it that's obviously YOUR problem because I'm such a grand communicator...

Well, that's what I thought anyway. Maybe you don't. Maybe you DON'T have any underlying issues.

Or maybe like me, you've been smart enough so to find the most cunning and baffling ways to let yourself believe that you are NOT controlling, judgmental, manipulative, dishonest, selfish and self-righteous.

And maybe, like me, you've met your match in a particular encounter with the family disease of alcoholism and you're going to be brought to your knees to such an extent that you will finally realize that all your "knowing" doesn't do one D--- thing for acceptance and serenity when you come face-to-face with the brutal fact that you control NOTHING. All of the "knowing" is just another way to form the illusion of control.

Maybe, like me, you'll learn that there is more to communication than articulating one's own point, or listening to what someone is saying with the underlying objective of figuring out ways you can "help" them live their life.

Or maybe we aren't Al-anon sisters at all. Maybe I've read you all wrong. It is entirely possible that what I've just written has NOTHING to do with you and where you are and EVERYTHING to do with me and my own crap. See, that's just one of the many things I've learned from working the 12 steps: I MAY BE WRONG ABOUT YOU and I do NOT know what you need for you. I need to look at MYSELF and deal with the areas I need work on -- whether YOU are on top of the world or in the gutter or somewhere in between.

So, I get to share my own experience, stregth and hope. It's all in the Steps.

It sounds like you're taking the first one and if you get even half of the happiness, joy and freedom I have been given through that process, you will live in God's grace.

I thank my Higher Power every day for the miracle of my life and the priceless gift of serenity.

triciafawn

I have heard everything everyone has said, and have applied it to the situation, but am choosing to be positive and wait right now, that's all. I have to give things a chance to work out - or not work out. Time will tell. Whatever happens is God's plan, and in his own time, not mine. I'm commited to attending my Friday night Al Anon group, educating myself on the disease and in particular, how it affects and has affected him (from info from his mom), attending my church regularly, writing a journal every nite of my feelings, and sending him a card and a letter on a weekly basis. My major concentrations in my life, of course, are God, my son and my parents and my brother, my career, and myself. The man of my life (when I have one) has ALWAYS come AFTER those things. It just may not seem like it when I've posted on here because, after all, I'm here to post about what happened with him, not about other things in my life.

I WILL be back to post an update when I have one. And again, thank you all for your replies. I know everyone meant well, although I am extremely put off by some posts - but hey, to each their own. You don't know me.