My best friend. . . I guess
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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My best friend. . . I guess
To anyone:
I'm new here, and stumbled upon this site after having yet another blow out with my best friend of many years. She drinks too much. She's in one horrible relationship after another, she has family issues, she can't control her own life, and I take it upon myself to save her.
I know I can't. After years and years of "rescuing" her, nothing has worked. I feel guilty. I feel let down. I give up my time to be there and listen and I'm not winning over beer. I can't go out with her because I have to carry her out of most places. So I don't go anywhere with her. I have come to the conclusion that she only calls when she needs something. I've talked to her about different programs but she's "not an alcoholic!!"
For whatever reason, I can't give up on her, and I feel like a disaster. I try to be a friend to her, and I wonder if she even wants me around. I'm nervous as I write this, because I don't know what you all will say. She's as much like family as I have ever known. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I'll get some phone call saying she's gone. So my question is, what do I do and what should I stop?
I'm new here, and stumbled upon this site after having yet another blow out with my best friend of many years. She drinks too much. She's in one horrible relationship after another, she has family issues, she can't control her own life, and I take it upon myself to save her.
I know I can't. After years and years of "rescuing" her, nothing has worked. I feel guilty. I feel let down. I give up my time to be there and listen and I'm not winning over beer. I can't go out with her because I have to carry her out of most places. So I don't go anywhere with her. I have come to the conclusion that she only calls when she needs something. I've talked to her about different programs but she's "not an alcoholic!!"
For whatever reason, I can't give up on her, and I feel like a disaster. I try to be a friend to her, and I wonder if she even wants me around. I'm nervous as I write this, because I don't know what you all will say. She's as much like family as I have ever known. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I'll get some phone call saying she's gone. So my question is, what do I do and what should I stop?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Stop when you've had enough. Only you will know that.
I recently ended a friendship with someone who is not an alcoholic, but took and took without giving anything in return to the friendship. I couldn't take the selfishness anymore so I stopped speaking to her. While she wasn't my best friend, she was the first friend I made when I moved here.
What are you getting out of this friendship?
I recently ended a friendship with someone who is not an alcoholic, but took and took without giving anything in return to the friendship. I couldn't take the selfishness anymore so I stopped speaking to her. While she wasn't my best friend, she was the first friend I made when I moved here.
What are you getting out of this friendship?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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I don't think I'm getting a whole lot of anything most of the time, but occasionally in those bright moments I thank heaven that i have her. I'm also afraid that if I leave, she will have no one, and I just can't think about leaving her out there. I know it's silly to think it, she is a grown person. . . But what if she needs me and just doesn't know it?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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What should you do? Only you can know that but....
It reads like a lot of what you are doing is enabling her continued drinking, her continue reliance on you to clean up her messes. THat does not help her. Only she can deal with her alcoholism. Only she can decide she has had enough and seek recovery. You cannot do that for her.
I also ask what are you getting out of this friendship?
It reads like a lot of what you are doing is enabling her continued drinking, her continue reliance on you to clean up her messes. THat does not help her. Only she can deal with her alcoholism. Only she can decide she has had enough and seek recovery. You cannot do that for her.
I also ask what are you getting out of this friendship?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Art: I totally understand what you mean, but sometimes they only way for them to realize they need to get help is for them to understand you will no longer be there to pick up the pieces.
I will add the disclaimer that this also rarely, if ever, works. She will be fine without you. If she's not, it's not your fault. She will get help when she's ready.
I will add the disclaimer that this also rarely, if ever, works. She will be fine without you. If she's not, it's not your fault. She will get help when she's ready.
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To Barbara:
I basically stopped being in situations that would cause me to go out of my way for her a few months ago when she left her abusive ex. I see a lot of good in her and she really is a lot of fun, when she isn't drunk. We used to go places together all the time. In high school we were practically attached at the hip, through college, and a little less now. I've tried to distance myself, be someone she can talk to, and encourage her to seek treatment. But i still feel like there are things I could have done better, things I could have said. Something that would make her see what a wonderful person she could be if she would give it up.
So what do I get? Not even sure
I basically stopped being in situations that would cause me to go out of my way for her a few months ago when she left her abusive ex. I see a lot of good in her and she really is a lot of fun, when she isn't drunk. We used to go places together all the time. In high school we were practically attached at the hip, through college, and a little less now. I've tried to distance myself, be someone she can talk to, and encourage her to seek treatment. But i still feel like there are things I could have done better, things I could have said. Something that would make her see what a wonderful person she could be if she would give it up.
So what do I get? Not even sure
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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How do I get out? Mentally? I can remove myself from the situation, I can stop calling- but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to give up on her. . . Is that even what it is? How can I help her and not feel like it's me that's going through each and every problem she faces? I feel sick to my stomach out of fear and helplessness. . .
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Originally Posted by TheArtofLosing 
How do I get out? Mentally? I can remove myself from the situation, I can stop calling- but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to give up on her. . . Is that even what it is? How can I help her and not feel like it's me that's going through each and every problem she faces? I feel sick to my stomach out of fear and helplessness. . .
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn
Been there. I don't know what to say, for me, you just get to the point where you accept-finally-no amount of love, kind words, good deeds or anything you do will get them to overcome their denial. Ever. I don't know what it is for you, but I realized today that I have a lot of unfinished business in my life, both internal and external, and being in the relationship was a way for me to avoid that particular pain.
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Originally Posted by TheArtofLosing
I have several mantras that I try to tell myself when I think about her issue. But I haven't ACCEPTED any of it. I'm afriad. I'm terrified that without me, she will die. I know it's not true and that there's a huge probability that she will be whatever she is with or without me. And i feel like I will just be a crappy person if I walk away. I get so mad at her that I just don't care if I ever see her again, and then the pity seeps in. I feel like I'm a nutcase just because I care. Does any of this make sense? I feel like i'm rambling. . . Or maybe saying things over and over in different words.
Please don't feel badly about your situation, I accepted behavior from her that makes me shudder when I think about it. I kept lowering my threshold, I won't leave because she hasn't done this-yet. What finally gnawed at me, she started talking about doing the 'geographical' cure. Moving away, starting over, taking her daughter, just turning seven, to look at apartments.
I had actually looked at apartments with her way back when, I can remember her telling the kids how much better it would be when they found a new place and moved away from her 'abusive' ex-husband. I had that flash recently of my Mom telling me the same thing, at around the same age for me, how life would be better when we moved into our first house.
My parents alcoholism, my Mom's mental illness just progressed, life never got better, it got much worse. The path those kids are on, they don't deserve that, I didn't deserve it, there isn't anything I can do to change it. Anything. When your pain gets to be so much greater than any pleasure you derive from this relationship, then you will stop. My thoughts go out to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Johannesburg South Africa
Posts: 61
and I take it upon myself to save her.
I know I can't. After years and years of "rescuing" her, nothing has worked. I feel guilty. I feel let down. I give up my time to be there and listen and I'm not winning over beer. I can't go out with her because I have to carry her out of most places.
I know I can't. After years and years of "rescuing" her, nothing has worked. I feel guilty. I feel let down. I give up my time to be there and listen and I'm not winning over beer. I can't go out with her because I have to carry her out of most places.
By taking it onto your shoulders and feeling guilty, you are enabling her cause she can "say" that it is YOUR fault and not HERS.
Until the consequences outweigh her denial, nothing and nobody will help her. Only when she hits hard then she can eventually see the consequences and do something about HER OWN recovery. And this can only happen eventually if you let her lie there....
Take care of yourself
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Dear Art,
I strongly urge you to read up on codependency. A good book to start with is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More."
Let's keep the focus here on YOU for a start. That is the first mistake a codependent person makes, always turning their thoughts and actions towards someone other than themselves, through guilt and fear. Guilt and fear are two of the most self-destructive emotions a person can feel, and neither one EVER produces positive results. In fact, they wind up doing MORE damage than good, both to you and to your addictive friend. The dynamics of alcoholic/addictive behavior are so weird, you really have to study it to realize all the futile attempts at helping are actually the OPPOSITE of what your codependent mind is thinking is right.
I am more concerned about you than your friend, Art. I was you not too long ago, with my best friend. She was my sister-in-law. I was also married to an alcoholic. And, I have an addicted son as well. I spent years trying to "be there" for all three of them, and not one thing I tried worked. I have had to "give up" and turn their lives over to them, in order to just survive myself. And in turn, two out of the three are working their own programs.
Please educate yourself on this topic, find out why you feel this need to help others before helping yourself. I would hate to see you spend your life being the loving rescuer to a spouse and child as well as a friend. It's really a ridiculous way to spend all your energy and focus, and robs you of the good life you are supposed to be living. Glad that you have found your way here, Art. It's a great support system and an incredible resource of knowledge through tons of very experienced members who have walked the path you are on.
I strongly urge you to read up on codependency. A good book to start with is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More."
Let's keep the focus here on YOU for a start. That is the first mistake a codependent person makes, always turning their thoughts and actions towards someone other than themselves, through guilt and fear. Guilt and fear are two of the most self-destructive emotions a person can feel, and neither one EVER produces positive results. In fact, they wind up doing MORE damage than good, both to you and to your addictive friend. The dynamics of alcoholic/addictive behavior are so weird, you really have to study it to realize all the futile attempts at helping are actually the OPPOSITE of what your codependent mind is thinking is right.
I am more concerned about you than your friend, Art. I was you not too long ago, with my best friend. She was my sister-in-law. I was also married to an alcoholic. And, I have an addicted son as well. I spent years trying to "be there" for all three of them, and not one thing I tried worked. I have had to "give up" and turn their lives over to them, in order to just survive myself. And in turn, two out of the three are working their own programs.
Please educate yourself on this topic, find out why you feel this need to help others before helping yourself. I would hate to see you spend your life being the loving rescuer to a spouse and child as well as a friend. It's really a ridiculous way to spend all your energy and focus, and robs you of the good life you are supposed to be living. Glad that you have found your way here, Art. It's a great support system and an incredible resource of knowledge through tons of very experienced members who have walked the path you are on.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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There is a delicate balance that is "friendship". When one person is giving and the other is taking.....there is no balance.
Fear. We often stay with someone or continue to enable someone as a result of the fear we have. Fear is draining. It's the emotion that many alcoholics learn to manipulate to keep us in the relationship. It's emotional terrorism.......but it is within our power to stop it if we choose to do so.
gentle hugs
Fear. We often stay with someone or continue to enable someone as a result of the fear we have. Fear is draining. It's the emotion that many alcoholics learn to manipulate to keep us in the relationship. It's emotional terrorism.......but it is within our power to stop it if we choose to do so.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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So I have officially decided that I am sick of being someone's babysitter, and that I perhaps have been hurting more than helping. Can anyone tell me what my options are? Should I distance myself? Sit down with her and say. . .?
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What happened. . .
I think i should probably tell you guys what kinda happened to make me want to come on here. . .
She basically told me where to go for no reason one night when she was obviously drinking. Other things were said, but i never understood why she was angry. She never told me. So today she apologized. In a text message. I basically told her that I want to be there for her, but the next time she says things like that, she may end up with one less friend.
Like some of you were saying earlier, I don't get anything out of this friendship- I hope one day I will be able to again. But I understand that I never will until she sorts out her own issues.
I'm sick of being hurt by her. I'm sick of being let down and stepped on. And I'm downright mad that I give so much and she takes more. Like I said in my very first post, the beer always wins.
She basically told me where to go for no reason one night when she was obviously drinking. Other things were said, but i never understood why she was angry. She never told me. So today she apologized. In a text message. I basically told her that I want to be there for her, but the next time she says things like that, she may end up with one less friend.
Like some of you were saying earlier, I don't get anything out of this friendship- I hope one day I will be able to again. But I understand that I never will until she sorts out her own issues.
I'm sick of being hurt by her. I'm sick of being let down and stepped on. And I'm downright mad that I give so much and she takes more. Like I said in my very first post, the beer always wins.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
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Art,
Sick of being let down, mad that they take so much from us... I've been there. Everyone else on here has offered so much more insight than I can give yet, but I just wanted to add myself into the group of people who hope the best for you.
Also, I like your user name - one of my favorite poems.
Sick of being let down, mad that they take so much from us... I've been there. Everyone else on here has offered so much more insight than I can give yet, but I just wanted to add myself into the group of people who hope the best for you.
Also, I like your user name - one of my favorite poems.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
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You are the one hurting here. You only have control over your own actions and what you can do to stop worrying.
Detach with love.
you are not your friend's keeper.
Find peace. It is obvious you love your friend.
Detach with love.
you are not your friend's keeper.
Find peace. It is obvious you love your friend.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Indy, IN
Posts: 2
New here also but can relate to your situation........if you need a friend or someone to chat with, email me.......I am at the "crossroads" like you with somebody and can't decide whether to walk away or embrace them for "what they are" and just be the best friend that I can in that situation. Problem for me is that I've had a great life but am a bit down on my luck right now too.....only, I know that alcohol isn't my answer. My life will fall back in place because of my strength, my faith, my perserverence, etc.,....not looking for an escape. But, somehow it is comforting to wallow with this person who is also "down on life" right now and maybe I draw strength through believing I'm helping someone when I know deep inside that I never can!! Tough call...........wish I had all the answers in life.....I don't......but I realize here that I am not the only one. :-)
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