With friends like this, who needs enemies?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
With friends like this, who needs enemies?
Hi folks,
It's been a while, and though I haven't posted since the holidays you all have a very special place in my heart. I think of you all often.
It took a lot of hard work but I am doing great -- I moved back to LA, got a new job, new house, reconnected with my old book club and old friends, and found a halfway decent church. I even started dating again.
Everything is going well for me but I am so f***ing p***ed right now.
My former best friend from law school (sixteen years friendship) showed her true colors last weekend. (I'll call her "V".)
Some of you may know my story -- long story short, I had known my XABF for 10 years, dated my ex-ABF for the last 1.5 years, but he relapsed and cheated on me with a woman he knows through V.
I was really struggling last summer when I wrote this on one of the threads about mutual friends:
With the distance and fresh beginnnings I made over the last few months, I finally figured out V is a toxic friend for me. In fact, V is probably more toxic to me than XABF.
V has always been very jealous and controlling. I knew my XABF though mutual friends that V and I also went to law school with. Several times last year in the turmoil, I cried my heart out to V about the drinking, the cheating with another woman (a former roommate of V she met a couple years ago who I'll call "S"). Mind you, XABF was the love of my life and I still cherish the good times we had before he relapsed and turned into a cheating, drinking monster I hardly recognize. XABF cheated on me twice with S towards the end of out relationship. It was particularly disgusting as I had always been friendly to S. In fact, S came to the party XABF and I had when we moved in together.
In the few contacts I have had with V since I broke up with XABF last summer, V kept bringing up news about XABF and S. I don't bring up the subject of XABF with anyone anymore because I have moved on to a new life and and I don't talk to V or email her that often anyway.
Last November, out of the blue, V forwarded me an email that S had sent V announcing S's engagement (with pictures) to a new guy that looks creepily a lot like XABF. At the time I thought, WTF???? How could V think I would possibly be interested in what S is doing, or share S's happiness in an engagement after the disrespect S showed to my relationship with XABF? And moreover, why would V let on to me that S could regard V as a friend after S went after the boyfriend of V's friend of sixteen years, me?
In January, after I started my new life, I sent V a friendly email. (V lives in another country with her husband.) V wrote back and asked if I had talked with XABF and told me XABF wanted to visit V with his new girlfriend. Again, I ignored it, but thought WTF??? Why does V think I need or want to know about XABF's new girlfriend? And doesn't she think that if I have something I want to tell her about XABF I will?
Finally, V came for a visit to LA last weekend. She always does this thing where she'll plan a group event (usually at a bar) and hold court when she visits. Initially V told me that she and her husband would be spending most of their time with family but suggested squeezing me in on Thursday as I was out of town Saturday and Sunday. My plans changed, and I wound up making plans to see V, just the two of us, last Friday night.
In between the time I spoke with V on the phone and when I was due to meet V, I got an email forward from V regarding her friend Matt (XABF's drinking buddy and good friend of V). Matt had emailed V to invite V and me to meet him at another bar to hear a band. I was shocked when I read all the way to the bottom of the email and saw that it was a continuation of V's email inviting Matt, XABF, S and a few other friends to meet at a bar on Saturday night (I had not been included in the invitation).
I could not believe that f***ing email. Who V or S or XABF socialize with in their free time is perhaps none of my business. However, I just could not believe that V did not have the tact, grace, compassion, respect, loyalty or common decency to spare me the knowledge that V had invited S and XABF to the same event, planned by V -- an event that V most pointedly did not invite me to. I mean it's like Manners 101. Unless V is completely stupid, she should know that S's affair with XABF caused me so much pain and sadness, made me feel worthless, and held me back for so long from becoming the person I want and know I can be. I had cried my heart out to V many times and asked her to support XABF in his efforts to be sober. V never was that interested, as XABF's drinking buddies are also good friends of V.
So I politely told V that I was not up to a concert but I would love to see Matt and that Matt was welcome to join us that Friday night. Matt didn't come. When I saw V Friday night I did not mention the email. But I saw her in a new light. Really, all she wanted to do was dig up negative gossip about mutual acquaintances and reminisce about old times. When I did try to tell her about the new guy I was dating, she showed zero interest and changed the subject. V did say one revealing thing however: that one thing she did not like about living in LA was that she felt she had to stay around her neighborhood when socializing because you can't drink and drive.
The light bulb went on.
Of course, I have buried the dead and my relationship with XABF is ever-receding history at this point. However, it still meant a lot to me, and I am only human after all. Hearing about him, and particularly about S, does bring back a lot of painful memories and sadness, and remind me that life occasionally disappoints, and that alcoholism is bigger than you or me.
It's bittersweet, too, because I am truly grateful for all the lessons I learned in my brush with alcoholism and the growth it forced to make. So here is my message to V. I will never send it because it would do no good, but I will share it with you guys and keep it in my heart unless I ever see a good reason not to:
V, my former friend, I will never forget the day I met you in first-year law school classes and all the silly, girlish fun we had over the years. Thank you for the good times. But you are now so self-absorbed, insensitive, and inconsiderate that you cannot control yourself from throwing your backstabbing ways up in my face every time you contact me. Also, by the way, I cannot remember the last social event you planned that did not involve drinking. V, since you are unable to stop yourself from doing thoughtless, hurtful things, I will stop it for you.
Goodbye, V.
Love,
Cheyne
It's been a while, and though I haven't posted since the holidays you all have a very special place in my heart. I think of you all often.
It took a lot of hard work but I am doing great -- I moved back to LA, got a new job, new house, reconnected with my old book club and old friends, and found a halfway decent church. I even started dating again.
Everything is going well for me but I am so f***ing p***ed right now.
My former best friend from law school (sixteen years friendship) showed her true colors last weekend. (I'll call her "V".)
Some of you may know my story -- long story short, I had known my XABF for 10 years, dated my ex-ABF for the last 1.5 years, but he relapsed and cheated on me with a woman he knows through V.
I was really struggling last summer when I wrote this on one of the threads about mutual friends:
Originally Posted by Cheyne 
No you are not the bad one, and yes, I lost "friends" when having problems with the xABF. I am also a black sheep who doesn't drink.
I have spent a fair amount of time wondering how people can think it's ok to let a friend drink themselves to death. It's weird . . . they don't seem to see their own denial and enabling conduct. It's very frustrating and disappointing.
IMHO, part of it is the alcoholic's finely tuned expertise at compartmentalizing. Friends just may not believe how the A behaves in private, because the A is very good at keeping it private.
And I think part of it, too, is that they choose not to get it. They choose not to learn about the science of addiction, and how some people are just not genetically equipped to handle alcohol. They choose not to learn about it because they don't want to deal with the social awkwardness of being frank with a friend who has a progressive disease.
And part of it may be that since they drink themselves, they just aren't as observant. They don't notice the little changes and nuances that tell you the A is getting sicker.
I have spent a fair amount of time wondering how people can think it's ok to let a friend drink themselves to death. It's weird . . . they don't seem to see their own denial and enabling conduct. It's very frustrating and disappointing.
IMHO, part of it is the alcoholic's finely tuned expertise at compartmentalizing. Friends just may not believe how the A behaves in private, because the A is very good at keeping it private.
And I think part of it, too, is that they choose not to get it. They choose not to learn about the science of addiction, and how some people are just not genetically equipped to handle alcohol. They choose not to learn about it because they don't want to deal with the social awkwardness of being frank with a friend who has a progressive disease.
And part of it may be that since they drink themselves, they just aren't as observant. They don't notice the little changes and nuances that tell you the A is getting sicker.
V has always been very jealous and controlling. I knew my XABF though mutual friends that V and I also went to law school with. Several times last year in the turmoil, I cried my heart out to V about the drinking, the cheating with another woman (a former roommate of V she met a couple years ago who I'll call "S"). Mind you, XABF was the love of my life and I still cherish the good times we had before he relapsed and turned into a cheating, drinking monster I hardly recognize. XABF cheated on me twice with S towards the end of out relationship. It was particularly disgusting as I had always been friendly to S. In fact, S came to the party XABF and I had when we moved in together.
In the few contacts I have had with V since I broke up with XABF last summer, V kept bringing up news about XABF and S. I don't bring up the subject of XABF with anyone anymore because I have moved on to a new life and and I don't talk to V or email her that often anyway.
Last November, out of the blue, V forwarded me an email that S had sent V announcing S's engagement (with pictures) to a new guy that looks creepily a lot like XABF. At the time I thought, WTF???? How could V think I would possibly be interested in what S is doing, or share S's happiness in an engagement after the disrespect S showed to my relationship with XABF? And moreover, why would V let on to me that S could regard V as a friend after S went after the boyfriend of V's friend of sixteen years, me?
In January, after I started my new life, I sent V a friendly email. (V lives in another country with her husband.) V wrote back and asked if I had talked with XABF and told me XABF wanted to visit V with his new girlfriend. Again, I ignored it, but thought WTF??? Why does V think I need or want to know about XABF's new girlfriend? And doesn't she think that if I have something I want to tell her about XABF I will?
Finally, V came for a visit to LA last weekend. She always does this thing where she'll plan a group event (usually at a bar) and hold court when she visits. Initially V told me that she and her husband would be spending most of their time with family but suggested squeezing me in on Thursday as I was out of town Saturday and Sunday. My plans changed, and I wound up making plans to see V, just the two of us, last Friday night.
In between the time I spoke with V on the phone and when I was due to meet V, I got an email forward from V regarding her friend Matt (XABF's drinking buddy and good friend of V). Matt had emailed V to invite V and me to meet him at another bar to hear a band. I was shocked when I read all the way to the bottom of the email and saw that it was a continuation of V's email inviting Matt, XABF, S and a few other friends to meet at a bar on Saturday night (I had not been included in the invitation).
I could not believe that f***ing email. Who V or S or XABF socialize with in their free time is perhaps none of my business. However, I just could not believe that V did not have the tact, grace, compassion, respect, loyalty or common decency to spare me the knowledge that V had invited S and XABF to the same event, planned by V -- an event that V most pointedly did not invite me to. I mean it's like Manners 101. Unless V is completely stupid, she should know that S's affair with XABF caused me so much pain and sadness, made me feel worthless, and held me back for so long from becoming the person I want and know I can be. I had cried my heart out to V many times and asked her to support XABF in his efforts to be sober. V never was that interested, as XABF's drinking buddies are also good friends of V.
So I politely told V that I was not up to a concert but I would love to see Matt and that Matt was welcome to join us that Friday night. Matt didn't come. When I saw V Friday night I did not mention the email. But I saw her in a new light. Really, all she wanted to do was dig up negative gossip about mutual acquaintances and reminisce about old times. When I did try to tell her about the new guy I was dating, she showed zero interest and changed the subject. V did say one revealing thing however: that one thing she did not like about living in LA was that she felt she had to stay around her neighborhood when socializing because you can't drink and drive.
The light bulb went on.
Of course, I have buried the dead and my relationship with XABF is ever-receding history at this point. However, it still meant a lot to me, and I am only human after all. Hearing about him, and particularly about S, does bring back a lot of painful memories and sadness, and remind me that life occasionally disappoints, and that alcoholism is bigger than you or me.
It's bittersweet, too, because I am truly grateful for all the lessons I learned in my brush with alcoholism and the growth it forced to make. So here is my message to V. I will never send it because it would do no good, but I will share it with you guys and keep it in my heart unless I ever see a good reason not to:
V, my former friend, I will never forget the day I met you in first-year law school classes and all the silly, girlish fun we had over the years. Thank you for the good times. But you are now so self-absorbed, insensitive, and inconsiderate that you cannot control yourself from throwing your backstabbing ways up in my face every time you contact me. Also, by the way, I cannot remember the last social event you planned that did not involve drinking. V, since you are unable to stop yourself from doing thoughtless, hurtful things, I will stop it for you.
Goodbye, V.
Love,
Cheyne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I think law school can breed evil people. I had a V in law school too. Other friends called her my "bad weather friend." When I was ok, she would create chaos, either by competition over grades and job prospects, or just by cutting me out of study groups. However, she was right there when I was having a personal crisis. I figured out what an a**hole she really was when I heard her gossiping about me to another friend in one of the student publication offices. I haven't spoken to her since that day.
Maybe someday you will have the strength to send it. I have found, though, that I'm pretty good at getting closure on my own with truly evil people.
Maybe someday you will have the strength to send it. I have found, though, that I'm pretty good at getting closure on my own with truly evil people.
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