Tabithacat

My A bf is 68 days clean. He did 2 months in rehab and got put on a 30day standown last week.

I hesitantly said he could stay with me, only on the privision that he went to meetings and classes daily, because his other safe place is out of the city and he can't do that there.

It's been a challenging week, but he has certainly started to change and it has been great to see that.

However... he said I could read his writings from classes, and I did. And it seems he's not been quite as honest as he makes out. Seems he's in contact with his ex still (who he was with during his worst time of using), and he told me that he wasn't.

I'm not angry so much that he's in contact with her, although I do think it's rather foolish right now, but I know she is in early stages of getting clean and they go to some same na meetings.

Whats really fu**kg me off is that he tells me he's being honest with me, and he's obviously not!! It's such a disappointment.

I suspect it's beacause he's worried I'll flip if I know he's having contact with her, which I certainly am not impressed by, but it's way more about the honesty.

I'm just so disappointed. How am I supposed to trust him when he does this?!

Barbara52

Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust someone who continue to demonstrate they are not trustworthy.

Of course that leads to the questions, what are you going to do? What do you want for your life?

denny57

When I rationalized like this, instead of just sticking with the truth - HE LIED - it led to years of heartache.

I couldn't.

Bernadette

oops dbl post

Bernadette

Hey Tabithacat-
I didn't quite understand this from your post:

"I suspect it's beacause he's worried I'll flip if I know he's having contact with her, which I certainly am not impressed by, but it's way more about the honesty."

If he didn't want you to know he wouldn't have let you read his writing. He knows what's in there.

Sounds to me like he's looking for a little drama. Certain alkies/addicts/recovered A's, love the drama, they love the attention that it brings.

It's an old trick they use that dies hard. Hard. By ensuring a certain amount of drama with their Significant Others it creates these pockets of opportunity for them to escape their __________ (fill in the blank: guilt? real feelings? rage? reality?). Example: he lets you read his stuff, you "flip out" about his contact w/ his Ex, he gets to argue with you about YOUR reaction, point out YOUR faults, sulk, stomp off in a huff whatever...etc.

So the bottom line is - you know he lied.

I think Denny and Barbara52 cut to the chase brilliantly:

"When I rationalized like this, instead of just sticking with the truth - HE LIED - it led to years of heartache."

"Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust someone who continue to demonstrate they are not trustworthy.

Of course that leads to the questions, what are you going to do? What do you want for your life?"

It sux when lovers lie to us. Totally. And I am only able to answer you rationally because I am a step away from you and can look at your problem objectively. It is really really hard when you are smack dab in the moment with the addict/alkie. That's why it is good to be prepared by educating yourself about addiction/recovery and by having a plan to deal with these and many other bad scenes that addicts/alcoholics try to involve us in.

How is Naranon going? Are you able to go?

Be strong. Recovery (your own and your bf's) is a PROCESS. Just make sure you are working your own recovery program - and not getting distracted by whatever your bf is dealing with. And always remember - if you don't WANT to be with a partner who lies to you you don't HAVE to be. You are free in each moment to decide what YOU will do. Sending you a hug!!!
Peace,
B.