it used to be all I wanted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
it used to be all I wanted
It used to be all I wanted... to just hear my AH say he would stop drinking. Would get in a program. Would change his lifestyle to support that program.
But he would just deny his having a problem. Went through rehab, stayed sober 30 days going to meetings, went back to denying he was 'like them' and back to drinking.
I became the crazy miserable person at home, hating myself for getting my daughter and myself into this situation. Hating him for not changing into who I wanted him to be, needed him to be. Became bitter towards him for all he wasn't in a husband. He left us, to get away from the nagging and complaining - and just drink. Kept saying I'd have to change for him to come back, adn even then he wasn't sure he would. I just wasn't worth it, he said.
I cried. I obsessed. I begged God to have him realize what he was giving up (like so many other AH's in these posts had done) and want to change. He just blamed me for everything, denied his problem was 'bad enough to change' and kept manipulating my emotions.
He wouldn't change. So I did. I joined Al Anon. I started tlaking to people in my life about the situation I hid for so long. I have been living life on my own with my daughter for weeks and we are both so much happier. Its been almost 2 months and each week is so much better. I stopped thinking about where he was or what he was doing and felt better than I had in years. All that anxiety was just gone, it really was. You know the one, the one that has you listening for their truck to pull up. Leaving a window open to be sure you hear it. The one that has you wondering where they are and with who, and how much longer til they decide to come home. I just knew if I didn't have my daughter I'd be out there driving bar to bar 'just to know'.
Now all that anxiety was finally gone - I wouldn't have believed it was possible. I just pictured him drunk and annoying, wherever he was. And I was glad it wasn't with me.
He sensed the change and started begging to come back ever since. Saying everything I would have longed to hear - how he needs and loves me and is so sorry he left. I just wasn't swayed. I read somewhere (Co-Dependent No More maybe) to picture my life the way I want it and take steps towards it every day. I wasn't going to lose that track.
We have signed our property agreement and today I received the divorce papers to sign. I can see my future with and without him, and I can see how much healthier the 'without him' version is for myself, and especially my daughter. Especially her. She would be devastated if I let him come back.
So tonight he said it all. 'Please don't sign the papers.' The reality was hitting home. And the words I used to pray for...
"If I give up every pool team I am on and go into rehab to never drink again will you be mine?"
But I didn't want to hear them. Words I once thought would prove he loved me now sounded so desperate. I felt manipulated - I didn't feel loved. I just don't want that anymore.
So now I feel guilty in one way, and one way only. It is the cause of the last of the pain I am suffering right now. I feel the responsibility on my shoulders of this person who needs me - and I no longer want to be there. I don't want the job anymore. I feel like I am quitting on someone, someone I committed to. All the good people on here who have worked recovery with their AHs, and me being so selfish. I hate feeling trapped that way and do not want to weaken because of those feelings. Especially when I think of facing my daughter if I were to weaken. She would be crushed, lose faith in me, everything. So I just suffer horribly with the guilt. Hence my being here writing this at 5am instead of sleeping.
I had to talk to you all. Everytime I do I feel so much better. Thanks again for listening.
But he would just deny his having a problem. Went through rehab, stayed sober 30 days going to meetings, went back to denying he was 'like them' and back to drinking.
I became the crazy miserable person at home, hating myself for getting my daughter and myself into this situation. Hating him for not changing into who I wanted him to be, needed him to be. Became bitter towards him for all he wasn't in a husband. He left us, to get away from the nagging and complaining - and just drink. Kept saying I'd have to change for him to come back, adn even then he wasn't sure he would. I just wasn't worth it, he said.
I cried. I obsessed. I begged God to have him realize what he was giving up (like so many other AH's in these posts had done) and want to change. He just blamed me for everything, denied his problem was 'bad enough to change' and kept manipulating my emotions.
He wouldn't change. So I did. I joined Al Anon. I started tlaking to people in my life about the situation I hid for so long. I have been living life on my own with my daughter for weeks and we are both so much happier. Its been almost 2 months and each week is so much better. I stopped thinking about where he was or what he was doing and felt better than I had in years. All that anxiety was just gone, it really was. You know the one, the one that has you listening for their truck to pull up. Leaving a window open to be sure you hear it. The one that has you wondering where they are and with who, and how much longer til they decide to come home. I just knew if I didn't have my daughter I'd be out there driving bar to bar 'just to know'.
Now all that anxiety was finally gone - I wouldn't have believed it was possible. I just pictured him drunk and annoying, wherever he was. And I was glad it wasn't with me.
He sensed the change and started begging to come back ever since. Saying everything I would have longed to hear - how he needs and loves me and is so sorry he left. I just wasn't swayed. I read somewhere (Co-Dependent No More maybe) to picture my life the way I want it and take steps towards it every day. I wasn't going to lose that track.
We have signed our property agreement and today I received the divorce papers to sign. I can see my future with and without him, and I can see how much healthier the 'without him' version is for myself, and especially my daughter. Especially her. She would be devastated if I let him come back.
So tonight he said it all. 'Please don't sign the papers.' The reality was hitting home. And the words I used to pray for...
"If I give up every pool team I am on and go into rehab to never drink again will you be mine?"
But I didn't want to hear them. Words I once thought would prove he loved me now sounded so desperate. I felt manipulated - I didn't feel loved. I just don't want that anymore.
So now I feel guilty in one way, and one way only. It is the cause of the last of the pain I am suffering right now. I feel the responsibility on my shoulders of this person who needs me - and I no longer want to be there. I don't want the job anymore. I feel like I am quitting on someone, someone I committed to. All the good people on here who have worked recovery with their AHs, and me being so selfish. I hate feeling trapped that way and do not want to weaken because of those feelings. Especially when I think of facing my daughter if I were to weaken. She would be crushed, lose faith in me, everything. So I just suffer horribly with the guilt. Hence my being here writing this at 5am instead of sleeping.
I had to talk to you all. Everytime I do I feel so much better. Thanks again for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Re: it used to be all I wanted
Originally posted by jessieandme2003
I feel the responsibility on my shoulders of this person who needs me - and I no longer want to be there. I don't want the job anymore.
I feel the responsibility on my shoulders of this person who needs me - and I no longer want to be there. I don't want the job anymore.
Love and hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jessieandme
I too think that your recovery and actions are remarkable. You and your daughter can both have a healthy life without the chaos and pain.
I think that when we make moves like this, there is a grief process too, regardless of how bad the past was. It is a time to grieve the end of a dream or what might have been, combined with a sadness for the addict still using.
Take special time with yourself right now, to heal and to regain the strength that has been drained from you. Take comfort knowing that you did everything you could to make it work and know that you and your daughter are worth all the pain that you had to go through to get this far.
And if the load gets too heavy, turn it over to God who will guide you and put light on your path. You have now stepped out of the darkness and the future is a gift yet to be seen.
My hugs and prayers go out for you and your daughter.
I too think that your recovery and actions are remarkable. You and your daughter can both have a healthy life without the chaos and pain.
I think that when we make moves like this, there is a grief process too, regardless of how bad the past was. It is a time to grieve the end of a dream or what might have been, combined with a sadness for the addict still using.
Take special time with yourself right now, to heal and to regain the strength that has been drained from you. Take comfort knowing that you did everything you could to make it work and know that you and your daughter are worth all the pain that you had to go through to get this far.
And if the load gets too heavy, turn it over to God who will guide you and put light on your path. You have now stepped out of the darkness and the future is a gift yet to be seen.
My hugs and prayers go out for you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
((( Jessieandme)))
You are a strong lady and a recovering one !
Where ever the road takes you , you have a HP to guide you
and show you the way.
You have seen its not what the A says but the action he or she does. Is he even doing anything yet ? sounds like the same empty promices. Let go of the guilt and let God take over in his life
its these times when we remember our powerlessness over another person.
God brought you to the place your at today, your special !!
You are a strong lady and a recovering one !
Where ever the road takes you , you have a HP to guide you
and show you the way.
You have seen its not what the A says but the action he or she does. Is he even doing anything yet ? sounds like the same empty promices. Let go of the guilt and let God take over in his life
its these times when we remember our powerlessness over another person.
God brought you to the place your at today, your special !!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
thank you so much
I just love the strength I draw from your support. You all said just the things I needed to hear. A favorite motto for me lately is "actions speak louder than words." I remind myself of that everytime he starts with all his promises.
Thank you all.
Thank you all.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 10
Hi Jessieandme.
I've lugged that same huge guilt bag around for awhile too. It's filled with "I should...", "why am I abandoning him now...", "what if I'm wrong....," "what if it IS all my fault....", "I asked him to quit, why don't I want him back?"....etc. etc. etc.
Ugh. I felt so guilty, I took my A back. Of course, the drinking didn't stop, because the A hadn't conquered the "stinking thinking" that goes along with the Alcoholism. And I went through the same pain AGAIN. And then HE left.
Trust this -- if your A is serious, then he will move heaven and earth to get your attention with his ACTIONS. And when/if you feel like taking him back, it is because you feel safe, loved, and you can trust again.
If you don't feel that -- then you don't owe him anything, not even the benefit of the doubt. And if not giving him the benefit of the doubt is a mistake -- well, aren't you entitled to one mistake? do you have to be perfect all the time? He certainly isn't/wasn't, and you gave him some slack. So give yourself some too.
Let him prove his seriousness to you. And so what if that is hard for him to do. He worked real hard at loosing your trust. he did that over and over again. So let him work real hard at gaining it back. Over and over and over again. Then, and only then, do you need to reconsider.
Been there, done that...had the pain...only trust the actions now...not the words. You are on the right track. Trust your instincts, but please, please, quit beating yourself up.
Good luck.
I've lugged that same huge guilt bag around for awhile too. It's filled with "I should...", "why am I abandoning him now...", "what if I'm wrong....," "what if it IS all my fault....", "I asked him to quit, why don't I want him back?"....etc. etc. etc.
Ugh. I felt so guilty, I took my A back. Of course, the drinking didn't stop, because the A hadn't conquered the "stinking thinking" that goes along with the Alcoholism. And I went through the same pain AGAIN. And then HE left.
Trust this -- if your A is serious, then he will move heaven and earth to get your attention with his ACTIONS. And when/if you feel like taking him back, it is because you feel safe, loved, and you can trust again.
If you don't feel that -- then you don't owe him anything, not even the benefit of the doubt. And if not giving him the benefit of the doubt is a mistake -- well, aren't you entitled to one mistake? do you have to be perfect all the time? He certainly isn't/wasn't, and you gave him some slack. So give yourself some too.
Let him prove his seriousness to you. And so what if that is hard for him to do. He worked real hard at loosing your trust. he did that over and over again. So let him work real hard at gaining it back. Over and over and over again. Then, and only then, do you need to reconsider.
Been there, done that...had the pain...only trust the actions now...not the words. You are on the right track. Trust your instincts, but please, please, quit beating yourself up.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
jessieandme....you are so right....trust the actions, not the words. Trust is a huge issue for me right now. And I'm not referring to the trust, or lack of trust, that I have for AH. I'm working on trusting myself.
For years and years, AH could mess up, feel remorse...or act like it anyway, apologize and convince me that his actions weren't all that bad, or tell me it would NEVER happen again. I believed him AND I would begin to trust him again. Heck, he could point up to the sky and deliver a message to me that would convince me that the sky is green! I would know, intellectually and in my gut, that he's lying, but he's so convincing and so good with words that I wanted to believe him so badly, I would just tell myself that he's right and I'm wrong. After 20 years of this pattern, I have built a tolerance for his behaviors. After all, he was always right, and I was always wrong.
So the trust issue is with ME. I'm working on trusting my own instinct. When something doesn't feel right, or jive, then it probably isn't right. Listen to your inner voice....it's nearly always right.
Wow....Nikita.....this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight! You are right on target.
My AH and I are separated and he has been sober for 4 months. The beginning of his sobriety, when we first separated, he was in pain and desparate to get me back. Almost suicidal. Then his temperment evened out a bit, and he became devoted, loving, telling me he'll wait forever for me.......And now I'm noticing him withdrawing a bit from me...a little distant. The separation is going longer than he maybe had anticipated and he's getting impatient.
You do what you need to do for you and your daughter. It sounds to me like you've made a decision and you really seem to be at peace with that.
Take care....I'm sending positive mental thoughts your way!
Sarah
For years and years, AH could mess up, feel remorse...or act like it anyway, apologize and convince me that his actions weren't all that bad, or tell me it would NEVER happen again. I believed him AND I would begin to trust him again. Heck, he could point up to the sky and deliver a message to me that would convince me that the sky is green! I would know, intellectually and in my gut, that he's lying, but he's so convincing and so good with words that I wanted to believe him so badly, I would just tell myself that he's right and I'm wrong. After 20 years of this pattern, I have built a tolerance for his behaviors. After all, he was always right, and I was always wrong.
So the trust issue is with ME. I'm working on trusting my own instinct. When something doesn't feel right, or jive, then it probably isn't right. Listen to your inner voice....it's nearly always right.
Wow....Nikita.....this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight! You are right on target.
My AH and I are separated and he has been sober for 4 months. The beginning of his sobriety, when we first separated, he was in pain and desparate to get me back. Almost suicidal. Then his temperment evened out a bit, and he became devoted, loving, telling me he'll wait forever for me.......And now I'm noticing him withdrawing a bit from me...a little distant. The separation is going longer than he maybe had anticipated and he's getting impatient.
You do what you need to do for you and your daughter. It sounds to me like you've made a decision and you really seem to be at peace with that.
Take care....I'm sending positive mental thoughts your way!
Sarah
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
J&M
I agree with everything everyone here has already said....
Please try to put the guilt down....after all the ball is now on his side of the court unless you take it back....
One line I always will remember is :
ALL GUILT IS TOTALLY INSANE, especially when it is about someone else's choices....
Take care.....
Please try to put the guilt down....after all the ball is now on his side of the court unless you take it back....
One line I always will remember is :
ALL GUILT IS TOTALLY INSANE, especially when it is about someone else's choices....
Take care.....
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 10
Sarah2003
"Then his temperment evened out a bit, and he became devoted, loving, telling me he'll wait forever for me.......And now I'm noticing him withdrawing a bit from me...a little distant. The separation is going longer than he maybe had anticipated and he's getting impatient. "
(sarah2003)....it must hurt a lot to notice him withdraw like that. Please keep your boundaries and your self-esteem as intact as you can.
Also keep in mind that he may be withdrawing abit for his own emotional reasons....and he still could come bouncing back, just like any other Normal guy!
(i'm dating a normal guy now, and it has it's emotional difficulties as well -- which was a surprise to me!).
Hold on to loving you, Sarah!
And you will have peace in the midst of whatever he is or isn't doing.
Hugs.
(sarah2003)....it must hurt a lot to notice him withdraw like that. Please keep your boundaries and your self-esteem as intact as you can.
Also keep in mind that he may be withdrawing abit for his own emotional reasons....and he still could come bouncing back, just like any other Normal guy!
(i'm dating a normal guy now, and it has it's emotional difficulties as well -- which was a surprise to me!).
Hold on to loving you, Sarah!
And you will have peace in the midst of whatever he is or isn't doing.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Hi there! Well your post was just awesome. I could just feel how you were feeling! You have made wonderful progress and you should be proud. I know what you mean about the guilt of leaving him. I felt the exact same way when leaving my ex. I heard all of these women staying with their AH and here I was leaving! He said all of the things I wanted to hear, manipulated, played a guilt trip on me, the whole 9 yards. It is absolutley gut wrenching but you know what...... It was the very best thing I could ever have done for my kids and myself. It does get easier with time. Life is so good when you are not living under the blanket of guilt, worry, obsession, snooping etc... My mom said to me once, " you have to remember that God loves him more than anyone, and he will watch out for him" That was a great thing to say to me. I always worried so much about him and felt guilty that it stopped the progression of my own recovery! It was nice to remember that once again, I am not in control of anything but myself and if that is the case I had to be in control of the guilt. Somehow getting out of the chaos of that environment and home put me in an unfamiliar setting. I was not used to peace, and calm in the home so I believe that I fed this guilt for a while because I needed something to cling to that was familiar. Does that make sense? I needed something to worry about, or obsess over even though I was making huge changes in my life. That has gone away for the most part, with time. I realize now when I am creating chaos and try to stop it. I guess their drugs are alchohol, and they along with chaos are our drugs.
Good luck to you! You are awesome and definitly on the right track! Keep me posted!
LG
Good luck to you! You are awesome and definitly on the right track! Keep me posted!
LG
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Jessieandme
WOW~WOW~!Reading your post totally took my breath away~ I am so proud of you and know just how you feel. I to left my A and I have changed so much, know so much more and have serenity.
It is so hard as a human being because we care and we feel responsible but we are not responsible for anyone or anyone's actions.
Keep going strong! Trust your feelings and know that there is a life out there for YOU and your child. I know I am making mine and I will not look back.
My little baby boy was born this past weekend. He is so tiny and I owe it to him to give him the best life there is. A life with love and respect. He is all that is important the hell with my ex:-).....let him or any of them be someone elses burden.
They all do come back you know......why? because we are the best they will EVER have in their lives and they know it!
After all, nothing can top a DIVA and we all are DIVAS!
~HUG~
It is so hard as a human being because we care and we feel responsible but we are not responsible for anyone or anyone's actions.
Keep going strong! Trust your feelings and know that there is a life out there for YOU and your child. I know I am making mine and I will not look back.
My little baby boy was born this past weekend. He is so tiny and I owe it to him to give him the best life there is. A life with love and respect. He is all that is important the hell with my ex:-).....let him or any of them be someone elses burden.
They all do come back you know......why? because we are the best they will EVER have in their lives and they know it!
After all, nothing can top a DIVA and we all are DIVAS!
~HUG~
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: florida
Posts: 2
Don't wait
I have had all those same feelings. Then one night he didn't come home at all. He was in jail. Imagine how your daughter would feel if that happened. And it will. I have been there and don't want to be there again. I wish you peace and happiness. God bless you and your daughter.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Hi Jessie!
Don't know if you remember me... our stories seemed kind of similar....
I agree with everyone's input regarding any guilt that you should have at not "being there" for him.
If he is serious about getting rid of an addiction, then the best person to help him isn't you, or your daughter, or his best friend, or anyone else he can cry to. He needs a no-kidding around counselor and program. He needs a sponsor and AA meetings. He needs doctor supervision of his diet & any withdrawl problems.
My XAH used to say that all he needed was a hug and for me to smile more. All the love in the world won't make alcoholism go away.
I'm glad to hear that life gets better the longer we're away from them. I'm on week 3 now and still pi$$ed at myself that I still spend every day thinking about my XAH. Guess I'm still in shock that he'd rather leave than give up the beer cans...
Wishing you well.........
I agree with everyone's input regarding any guilt that you should have at not "being there" for him.
If he is serious about getting rid of an addiction, then the best person to help him isn't you, or your daughter, or his best friend, or anyone else he can cry to. He needs a no-kidding around counselor and program. He needs a sponsor and AA meetings. He needs doctor supervision of his diet & any withdrawl problems.
My XAH used to say that all he needed was a hug and for me to smile more. All the love in the world won't make alcoholism go away.
I'm glad to hear that life gets better the longer we're away from them. I'm on week 3 now and still pi$$ed at myself that I still spend every day thinking about my XAH. Guess I'm still in shock that he'd rather leave than give up the beer cans...
Wishing you well.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
still standing strong so far
I am so touched by the response to my post. I think this forum is the most amazing gift from God.
I am sorry, this one is going to be very long...
Sarah, thanks for asking how I am doing.
So far I am still standing strong. My AH calls every night, sometimes more than once, usually between 1 and 3 am, to talk with me and tell me he loves me. Say things about not drinking, or not accepting offers from other women. He tries to pull at my heartstrings, but I just say in the most loving way that I want to be friends. That I am moving on. That Jess and I need a different life than the one he wants to live. I don't always mention the drinking at all. I mention the person he is and ways he spends his time (which are affected by the drinking) as the reasons. This avoids the arguments. Occassionally I say gently that I think he needs help and is killing himself, and if it is non-confrontational he really doesn't argue. But I have stood strong that whatever he decides to do I still don't want to reconcile, it has gone too far and I know now he will never provide the 'family' lifestyle my daughter and I need. (The selfishness that is such a big part of him makes it impossible.) He hasn't accepted it yet, but I hope he does soon. He knows I am proceeding with divorce papers. I cry sometimes, but its for what could have been, not what is. I can't change him, and shouldn't have tried, that is the key. Now I just want it over as painlessly as possible. I am still incredibly anxious on how I am going to achieve that part, to be honest, so I do still have a crisis to thrive on (codependent mess that I still am underneath).
EyesOpen, it DOES get better.
I started calling every friend I had to make social plans. I just didn't want to be left alone with my obsessive thoughts. I have rekindled friendships and look forward to having those people back in my life. OK, at first I would go and just be trying to pay attention to them while really just having those obsessive thoughts play over and over in my head the entire time. Re-living conversations, wondering where he was, you know them well. I was like a zombie, I swear, and it was an effort to focus on the other person. But eventually I did less obsessing and more socializing.
I lost weight. Lots. First because I lost my appetite, then because I decided to turn it into a good thing. I was never very heavy, but I am amazing now. Hahaha. I went clothes shopping and couldn't believe I was trying on size 6 jeans. I am excited about cute summer clothes and bathing suits for the first time in a while. It is a real boost for me. Just plain old fun. I feel actually want to be looked at now, no more shy avoidance.
I regained control of my finances and financial goals. This is a big one for me. I have always been the breadwinner, and I used to have investment and retirement goals. Then he started costing me so much. And he loved pointing out how it was half his now that we married. I used to worry if I had anything I could just lose it all in a DUI lawsuit (he already cost plenty in the first DUI for legal fees). I started to lose interest in building wealth, heck he'd either spend it, I'd get sued for it, or he'd leave me and take half of it. Very depressing. But Hey!, not anymore. We signed our property agreement. Yes, I have to give him some money, but in the long run I'm back in control and can freely build wealth and have dreams.
This one should be at the top of this list -- I regained the joy in my daughters laughter. The house is full of it again. Cartoons blast from the living room TV. We eat what we want, when we want. She is so liberated, and it is a transformation. I feel horrible that I put her in a situation which stifled that for 3 years, but am proud to have taken action to restore sanity while she is just 9. Sometimes, when the heart is involved (or some codependent traits) it is hard to put kids first. But once you do, it gives back the best feelings in the world. And she is very vocal about being much happier.
This is a new one, very recent. I let men talk to me. Yup, quite brazen for me. Hahaha. But I've been told I am beautiful by a coach of my godson's football team. And unlike my AH, it wasn't just before asking for something or a routine part of foreplay. The "There, I said something nice, now are you in the mood to go upstairs?" kind of mentality. Hahaha.
I let them help me see that I have many good qualities. I let them help me see there are men who don't want anything (unhealthy) from me. That there are men who don't drink at all. That there are men who love children. That there are men who want to give to ME, do for ME, take care of ME, and JESS! A very nice guy has made it clear he would love the chance to make Jessie and me happy, but knows I am not ready for that. Imagine, a guy concerned about MY feelings, and what I want and when. This is revolutionary. I hope I can progress as far as to believe there are men you can trust, that would help with all this.
EyesOpen, I am saying I am living my life again, and it is fun. And it is all up to me, every step I take. It is scary, and I lean on my friends when I feel I can't handle it, but then I do something well and regain confidence. I'll probably make more bad choices along the way, but I hope to use what I learn from Al Anon, and this experience, to be more aware of what I am doing as I go.
I am sorry, this one is going to be very long...
Sarah, thanks for asking how I am doing.
So far I am still standing strong. My AH calls every night, sometimes more than once, usually between 1 and 3 am, to talk with me and tell me he loves me. Say things about not drinking, or not accepting offers from other women. He tries to pull at my heartstrings, but I just say in the most loving way that I want to be friends. That I am moving on. That Jess and I need a different life than the one he wants to live. I don't always mention the drinking at all. I mention the person he is and ways he spends his time (which are affected by the drinking) as the reasons. This avoids the arguments. Occassionally I say gently that I think he needs help and is killing himself, and if it is non-confrontational he really doesn't argue. But I have stood strong that whatever he decides to do I still don't want to reconcile, it has gone too far and I know now he will never provide the 'family' lifestyle my daughter and I need. (The selfishness that is such a big part of him makes it impossible.) He hasn't accepted it yet, but I hope he does soon. He knows I am proceeding with divorce papers. I cry sometimes, but its for what could have been, not what is. I can't change him, and shouldn't have tried, that is the key. Now I just want it over as painlessly as possible. I am still incredibly anxious on how I am going to achieve that part, to be honest, so I do still have a crisis to thrive on (codependent mess that I still am underneath).
EyesOpen, it DOES get better.
I started calling every friend I had to make social plans. I just didn't want to be left alone with my obsessive thoughts. I have rekindled friendships and look forward to having those people back in my life. OK, at first I would go and just be trying to pay attention to them while really just having those obsessive thoughts play over and over in my head the entire time. Re-living conversations, wondering where he was, you know them well. I was like a zombie, I swear, and it was an effort to focus on the other person. But eventually I did less obsessing and more socializing.
I lost weight. Lots. First because I lost my appetite, then because I decided to turn it into a good thing. I was never very heavy, but I am amazing now. Hahaha. I went clothes shopping and couldn't believe I was trying on size 6 jeans. I am excited about cute summer clothes and bathing suits for the first time in a while. It is a real boost for me. Just plain old fun. I feel actually want to be looked at now, no more shy avoidance.
I regained control of my finances and financial goals. This is a big one for me. I have always been the breadwinner, and I used to have investment and retirement goals. Then he started costing me so much. And he loved pointing out how it was half his now that we married. I used to worry if I had anything I could just lose it all in a DUI lawsuit (he already cost plenty in the first DUI for legal fees). I started to lose interest in building wealth, heck he'd either spend it, I'd get sued for it, or he'd leave me and take half of it. Very depressing. But Hey!, not anymore. We signed our property agreement. Yes, I have to give him some money, but in the long run I'm back in control and can freely build wealth and have dreams.
This one should be at the top of this list -- I regained the joy in my daughters laughter. The house is full of it again. Cartoons blast from the living room TV. We eat what we want, when we want. She is so liberated, and it is a transformation. I feel horrible that I put her in a situation which stifled that for 3 years, but am proud to have taken action to restore sanity while she is just 9. Sometimes, when the heart is involved (or some codependent traits) it is hard to put kids first. But once you do, it gives back the best feelings in the world. And she is very vocal about being much happier.
This is a new one, very recent. I let men talk to me. Yup, quite brazen for me. Hahaha. But I've been told I am beautiful by a coach of my godson's football team. And unlike my AH, it wasn't just before asking for something or a routine part of foreplay. The "There, I said something nice, now are you in the mood to go upstairs?" kind of mentality. Hahaha.
I let them help me see that I have many good qualities. I let them help me see there are men who don't want anything (unhealthy) from me. That there are men who don't drink at all. That there are men who love children. That there are men who want to give to ME, do for ME, take care of ME, and JESS! A very nice guy has made it clear he would love the chance to make Jessie and me happy, but knows I am not ready for that. Imagine, a guy concerned about MY feelings, and what I want and when. This is revolutionary. I hope I can progress as far as to believe there are men you can trust, that would help with all this.
EyesOpen, I am saying I am living my life again, and it is fun. And it is all up to me, every step I take. It is scary, and I lean on my friends when I feel I can't handle it, but then I do something well and regain confidence. I'll probably make more bad choices along the way, but I hope to use what I learn from Al Anon, and this experience, to be more aware of what I am doing as I go.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Re: still standing strong so far
Originally posted by jessieandme2003
My AH calls every night, sometimes more than once, usually between 1 and 3 am, to talk with me and tell me he loves me.
OK, at first I would go and just be trying to pay attention to them while really just having those obsessive thoughts play over and over in my head the entire time. Re-living conversations, wondering where he was, you know them well. I was like a zombie, I swear, and it was an effort to focus on the other person.
That there are men who don't drink at all. That there are men who love children.
My AH calls every night, sometimes more than once, usually between 1 and 3 am, to talk with me and tell me he loves me.
OK, at first I would go and just be trying to pay attention to them while really just having those obsessive thoughts play over and over in my head the entire time. Re-living conversations, wondering where he was, you know them well. I was like a zombie, I swear, and it was an effort to focus on the other person.
That there are men who don't drink at all. That there are men who love children.
1. He calls at 1 a.m. to say he loves you? Oh brother! That's a sign of maturity right there. Must be about the time he hits can number 10 out of his 12-pack. Heaven forbid he should call at a normal time of the day.
2. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one doing the zombie thing. I STILL do it at work, been that way for about 2 years now. I have to ask the same questions over and over again, cause I tune out and start thinking about my A in the middle of conversations. Everyone there must think I'm a total idiot. I've at least gained the confidence to keep asking again, rather than "fake it" and hope nobody notices that I'm confused and lost.
3. There are men who don't drink???? HUH??? Are you sure??? (LOL). Actually, I been getting myself involved in some church activities, and I find myself just STARING at the men for hours on end. Not that I have any crushes or anything, I am just AMAZED that there are men who can have a social life and be stone-cold sober while doing it. It is a whole new thing, or seems like it. 15 years of living with my A, and his lifestyle, I came to accept it as normal that men have a beer can surgically attached to there hand as soon as work is over at 5:00.
I'm glad you're doing well, and ESPECIALLY your daughter too. That just tickles me!!
Till later,
EyesOpen
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: florida
Posts: 2
Oh My
It is so good to hear that there are other people out there feeling the sam as I am. I am Soooooo proud of you. Good Luck with everything. Time will make a big difference but you seem to be doing so well. Keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ljubljana, Slovenia
Posts: 26
What a great thred
Jessieand me, your story really inspired me. I can somewhat relate to how you are felling.
I broke it off with my A bf last fall and he called me non-stop and it was usually in the middle of the night. He was so desperate to get back together with me yet so reluctant to do anything about his drinking. He was just full of words (as usual).
So he still calls from time to time and wants me to talk to him. And it's always the same. He is so sad and his life is a mess and of course I am the one who could change that. We would talk for like hours and in the end we got nowhere and I was all cranky the next day due to the lack of sleep. It's like he's trying to ruin my life from a distance, lol.
Well, luckily I have a phone that shows who's calling (and anyway who else would have the bad manners to call in the middle of the night and expect me to listen to them for hours on end), so when he called the other night at half past midnight, just as I was drifting off to sleep I decided not to pick up the phone. He called like three times!!! and waited for the phone to ring until the end - talk about being inconsiderate. Now my heart was beating wild as the phone rang again and again, and I was all shaken, but it only took me another 15 minutes to fall asleep and my night was saved.
I am now realising that if he does not want to do anything about his situation, it is certainly not my responsibility to do so. The catch here, at least for me, is that it is such a rush when he says I can change his life. The power is so appealing. But it is also an illusion which is destructive for me.
It is also quite funny that to me it's flattering (or at least used to be) that he called at midnight. I thought it showed that he cared for me and could't live without me. Hello?!
So I am really glad I came to Al-Anon, because my attitudes definitely need some work.
I too want to meet other men. I think it's time to move on. Any suggestions about where to meet them are very welcome.
Take care
Natasha
I broke it off with my A bf last fall and he called me non-stop and it was usually in the middle of the night. He was so desperate to get back together with me yet so reluctant to do anything about his drinking. He was just full of words (as usual).
So he still calls from time to time and wants me to talk to him. And it's always the same. He is so sad and his life is a mess and of course I am the one who could change that. We would talk for like hours and in the end we got nowhere and I was all cranky the next day due to the lack of sleep. It's like he's trying to ruin my life from a distance, lol.
Well, luckily I have a phone that shows who's calling (and anyway who else would have the bad manners to call in the middle of the night and expect me to listen to them for hours on end), so when he called the other night at half past midnight, just as I was drifting off to sleep I decided not to pick up the phone. He called like three times!!! and waited for the phone to ring until the end - talk about being inconsiderate. Now my heart was beating wild as the phone rang again and again, and I was all shaken, but it only took me another 15 minutes to fall asleep and my night was saved.
I am now realising that if he does not want to do anything about his situation, it is certainly not my responsibility to do so. The catch here, at least for me, is that it is such a rush when he says I can change his life. The power is so appealing. But it is also an illusion which is destructive for me.
It is also quite funny that to me it's flattering (or at least used to be) that he called at midnight. I thought it showed that he cared for me and could't live without me. Hello?!
So I am really glad I came to Al-Anon, because my attitudes definitely need some work.
I too want to meet other men. I think it's time to move on. Any suggestions about where to meet them are very welcome.
Take care
Natasha
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Natasha
Wow I can relate to the calling thing! Wow its just like it happens to me. He still calls me in the middle of the night.....12 ...1...2...3...4.....and I feel the same way as you do when I see it is him. He has not called me for the past 10 days but I only know to well it will start again.
Kepp being strong! I to want to move on to meeting other men, healthy men and have a loving relationship.
Good Luck Sweetheart
Hug
Kepp being strong! I to want to move on to meeting other men, healthy men and have a loving relationship.
Good Luck Sweetheart
Hug
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