hbb

hey all

Ok, i really don't have much specific other than I've been cranky for the past few days and not really sure why!! I've become so close to so many of you and am coming here before my other friends, as i don't think they get it!!

I can't really explain my mood but here's what i got!

Last week was ok, my thoughts of J have been minimized to about 1 or 2 brief times a day (if that). So come Friday my girlfriends wanted to meet after work for dinner and a drink because they know that there is men potential there!!! I personally, wasn't going for that reason other than hanging out with them, but whatever... So we meet up, not much happening there so they move on and i decide to go home because I'm at the point where I'm not going to go from place to place to place to "find the one". Which like in the other post Anvil stated so correctly about not looking for "the one" to complete us, which now I'm strongly agreeing with!! So anyways, i went home, which i was so glad i did in the end!!

Anyways, as most of you know i went out with J on a couple of dates (different J, cursed by the letter, i know)!! And i never heard from him again, which is fine because he's probably going through his own issues being a year divorced. I'm not bitter, upset or any of that towards not hearing from him. I AM HOWEVER getting a little irritated/bummed that all my friends and family have asked if he's called me. Which again is perfectly fine but the more people that have asked i start to kinda take it personally like darn, i wasn't worth another date!! Which i know is not healthy or correct thinking but you know how the mind wanders "what's wrong with me" thoughts!! Anyways, so i decided to take a chance and joined a dating service for only a month to see what's out there. Really just getting my toes wet, not looking for Mr. Husband or anything like that. BUT i find I'm completely and totally not into it at all!!

I have zero desire to write to those that have written me (which is not many and this place is rather disappointing). Maybe it boils down to I'm just not ready or i just don't care to meet anyone at the moment. I guess if nothing else, i haven't really gone through the wheels spinning in my head about clocks ticking or deadlines in the family department!!

I think another sour taste in my mouth right now is we had our first softball practice yesterday and my brother's girlfriend was there (she's on the team with me). And this guy that i know personally that is helping our team was there and hitting on her. So I made it known that she was dating my brother in passing conversation so he would get the hint and he had TOTAL disregard for it and when she left, he said too bad she was with my brother because he really liked her....WHAT???? Where are the morals or respect? I was so angry!!!!

Maybe I'm just okay in my own skin at the moment and have no desire to meet anyone right now. Or maybe I'm too paranoid about what i read and see first hand and now EVERYTHING is starting to look like a red flag to me.

I'm so confused and i know this thread is me babbling but i just needed to do it for me, so if your still reading, i thank you and am thinking of every one of you and your current situations.

Barbara52

{hugs} Not sure what to say other than this too shall pass.

lexusgirl

Hi hbb,
I can relate to the red flag thing. When I came out of my previous relationship three years ago, everything and I mean everything seemed like a red flag to me. I took a few years off of dating, which was easy for me, as I needed time to heal.

I still am quick to notice a lot of red flags around me with people in general. Maybe its because of all we have been through?

Theres nothing wrong with being ok at where you are currently, and not wanting or ready to date. When that time comes, you will know.

hbb

Thanks girls! I know Barb, there is nothing to really say and thank you for the hugs

It's so weird, i know i'm in a weird place, oh well, it too shall pass, your exactly right!! I stopped by my parents and my mother was like "it's like your fighting with yourself", i told her i know!! I agree!!!! Good Lord! i'm losing it!!

peaceteach

Be patient with yourself, Heather. It's so hard when you are young, I know, but it really has been a great lesson I've learned through age and experience. Patience and accepting that some days are just going to be a little sucky, but tomorrow is always a new day

LaTeeDa

I go through this sometimes. I think it's because there is a conflict with something I think I should be doing (as in other people's or my own expectations) and something that feels right. In other words, I know what's right for me, but sometimes the voices in my head tell me differently, lol.

I don't think you're losing it, I think you're growing. (And I'm sticking to that story, otherwise I would be losing it, too!)

L

Barbara52

You have them too? I keep working on killing them danged "shoulds" but they seem to multiply under the bed or something (with the dust bunnies) and pop up periodically. I'm learning to treat them just like I treat the dust bunnies, sweep them up and throw them away.

hbb

That's exactly it!! It's almost like I feel guilty for doing what I want to do!! I feel like all these expectations like when friends go out, like I have to do these things, like it's my obligation or something.

BayouSelf

everything you're going through and everything you're feeling.....perfectly normal in my opinion....all the same junk I went through.....all the same thoughts I had....the only problem with me dating before I was completely ready or before the healing process had taken place was that I found when I dated someone who was throwing red flags or someone who went out with me and I liked and then NEVER hear back from them.....would just throw me back into a funk and into a place I was not comfortable. That's why I stayed away from dating sites....just not good for me....still feels I'm trying to control things that are in Higher Power's hands....I feel when HP is ready for me to date, he'll send me the right person.....and the right person would never just go out with me on one date and NEVER call back.....I heard it stated one time....."Is is Rejection or Protection"? When I feel I'm being rejected by some guy.....I'd rather choose now to feel I'm being protected by my HP in some way....saving me from some unforeseen pain in the future that this person would eventually put me through.....just my thoughts.....

I would just ask you this? Are you throwing yourself into YOUR life....not basing it on whether or not you are dating anyone.....I had to finally make up my mind that I was going to be content "alone"....took me quite awhile to get those feelings from my head to my heart and when i finally did.....I met someone special and am reaping the benefits of being patient, working on my relationship with myself, and having a very strong faith that my HP new what was best for me and that he would send me someone special when HE felt the time was right. .....and it all came true and it will for you too, when you can relax.....when you can go a whole day without thinking this thought...."Why am I still single?" Some day that will be the last thing on your mind....you won't care because YOUR life, will be too awesome and spectacular to even care!!!!

carolineb

AMEN....to the above. Let life/love come TO you. Don't worry about who thinks you should be doing what, when, how.....just find whatever you need WITHIN.....the rest will take of it's self.

Mair

Hi Heather (()) all normal feelings my dear. I know that im not ready to get into any sort of relationship yet, i am far too fragile and feel that if i had one knock back at this time it would be a huge set back. I never liked my own company but i'm starting to feel a bit more comfy with myself.

I hope that in the future i will bump into someone, but i am not going out looking. i hear comments like "plenty more fish in the sea" and "you need to go out more and find someone new". Well for the time being the fish can stay in the water, and i will stay in if i want to, at the end of the day i know whats best for me. I HOPE!!!!

take care

Mair xx

Shivaya

Babble all you want, girl. Sounds like you are not ready for dating, and that's okay. Glad to hear you are not looking for "the one".

Just relax......smell the roses, enjoy the beauty of this world!

Yes, it's frustrating when people around you seem to have ditched their morals. I had an AHA moment today. I've been hanging around people (including my AH) who clearly do not have the same morals as I do. However, I felt like I was being a "good person" by accepting them for what they are. I am now choosing not to accept behavior that I find unacceptable. I don't have to. A light bulb has turned on in my head, and I've discovered that some people who I thought were my friends, are actually "pigs" disguised as friends. Does this make sense? They have not changed, I have changed. I don't want to be around immoral people any longer.

Ooops, now I'm babbling.....Do what feels right for you at the time. What a great feeling to be comfortable in your own skin. And to actually know what a "red flag" might be for you. I hadn't even heard or applied the term "red flag" ever in my life, until now!

Take care of yourself and do something today that brings a smile to your face!

Shivaya

hbb

K ~Thank you for such a wonderful and helpful response

I think what you mentioned just may be it. I was talking with a friend the other night and i told her i think i'm "ok" being alone. And now i'm kinda putting 2 and 2 together and think that that is why i'm not into the dating or meeting someone mode. When i never heard back from Jeff, ya it was a bummer and me a few months ago would rack my brain thinking of what I did wrong to make him not call. That feeling did come and go briefly but i turned it around that HE was the one that was probably going through whatever he was going through with his year ago divorce. So i stopped taking things like that personally.

It's such a relief to let go of the little annoyances i used to bring on myself with unnecessary worry I like your rejection or protection....makes so much sense. Granted things didnt work out with me and J but when he and i met a year and a half ago, i was out with girlfriends and it just sorta happened without trying......we all know how the rest of the story went with the continuance of "not trying"!!!!


Shivaya ~ your right, about the friends too! I've come to realize that who i thought were friends i could not live without are the ones that are huge red flags and are so screwed up!! I definitely see things differently.

hbb

This is why i love this place, there's no "get over it" feeling like sometimes i get from my other friends. And the push push push to move on and find someone else. I've decided (like i said to myself a month ago) to take off any pressure of meeting someone. It's much more relaxing :bounce

MsGolightly

heather, i was talking with a couple of my friends tonight, and those that are in relationships really don't seem to be as happy as i am, being single. it was kind of a wake-up call for me, since i used to be the kind of person to base my self-worth on whether or not someone ELSE loved me. only through the past few months or so, i've begun to see what i'm really worth - and at this point, adding someone else's baggage onto mine would only bring me down.

and, not only have i been seeing red flags in guys i meet, but also in my own friends. they're things i never would have thought of before had it not been for you and everyone else here, and i feel like i'm saving myself the heartache of a miserable relationship and instead "saving" myself for someone who deserves me. i'd prefer having to wait until i'm 40 for someone that makes ME better and makes me grow than to settle for the wrong person now and risk losing that potential relationship.

Shivaya

Girl, you've got it!

I have been on my journey of self-discovery for about 20 years now, I am 40and am really just beginning to know my true self, through a combination of therapy, alanon, SR, etc.

I think our world has this relationship business messed up. We should not be aloud to get married until at least the age of 35, and we should all be "checked out" by a therapist before we can enter into a relationship! Now that's funny!

Shivaya

hbb

Well i thought i was COMPLETELY through the "bummed" phase. NOPE....drove home from work yesterday at 5 to see J's truck at her (parents) house. Stinks cause we are so close in location. Anyways, i even surprised myself by being upset last night. Didn't cry or anything but it was on my mind. My roommate made me feel better because she reminded me that although i was doing so good, that there will be days that this happens.

Really hit me from way out of left field....weird.....but then i try to remind myself of my independence and that I'm NOT living at home at 34 with my parents (no offense to those living at home, it's just that i realize he will probably be living like that at 45, 55, etc and i KNOW i don't want that life).

carolineb

hbb~

as long as you know you'll have days like this.........it's all good....and all part of the healing process.

i think just when you think you're doing well.....a sighting, a memory, etc. makes you go down that road. Sometimes it has more to do with the 'whole' of your day, then the actual pain. This too shall pass.

karmakoma

Only if you continue to choose to be.

hbb

Unfortunately i don't have a financial choice right now.....or BELIEVE ME i would be gone and far