f/u to sketscher- what happens in these realtionships?
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f/u to sketscher- what happens in these realtionships?
What happens when everything seems to be going well and the other person in some way, shape or form "emotionally bails"?
I went out with someone for 2 months and then all of a sudden he had family issues and disappeared. Before that things were going really well.
Do these guys just like to romance and we think it is something more significant or deep than it is?
Are we so addicted or needy of the attention that we think there is something special there when there really isn't?
Is there a point where we think he could be the one where we become "needy" (or start appropriately asserting ourselves) and send off vibes that scare the other person away?
I don't know about sketscher - but I while I am detached things are fine, as soon as I start thinking maybe this could be something - things fall apart.
I went out with someone for 2 months and then all of a sudden he had family issues and disappeared. Before that things were going really well.
Do these guys just like to romance and we think it is something more significant or deep than it is?
Are we so addicted or needy of the attention that we think there is something special there when there really isn't?
Is there a point where we think he could be the one where we become "needy" (or start appropriately asserting ourselves) and send off vibes that scare the other person away?
I don't know about sketscher - but I while I am detached things are fine, as soon as I start thinking maybe this could be something - things fall apart.
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I've pondered this point a lot myself. I think we do give off vibes that we are not even aware of giving off. I certainly must, because I've collected the who's-who of crazy men throughout my life. I mean, C-R-A-Z-Y. That told me that I was (1) crazy too or (2) I was comfortable around crazy people.
My mother sufferered from mental illness her entire adult life. It was the environment in which I grew up. Thus, I gravitate towards crazoids. They're deadly, they're emotionally unavailable ... and they are all familiar.
I think we just need to proceed with a healthy dose of caution and watch for red flags. I guess we need to find a healthy balance between caution and suspicion. Frequently, we rush into a relationship, don't completely mourn the loss of a previous relationship, or isolate for a long time and have no relationships.
Again, I think it is a queston of focusing on ourselves and making a concerted effort to find a healthy balance.
My mother sufferered from mental illness her entire adult life. It was the environment in which I grew up. Thus, I gravitate towards crazoids. They're deadly, they're emotionally unavailable ... and they are all familiar.
I think we just need to proceed with a healthy dose of caution and watch for red flags. I guess we need to find a healthy balance between caution and suspicion. Frequently, we rush into a relationship, don't completely mourn the loss of a previous relationship, or isolate for a long time and have no relationships.
Again, I think it is a queston of focusing on ourselves and making a concerted effort to find a healthy balance.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I was totally thinking the same thing with that F/U title....
Is it more of a "girl" thing to dream of meeting THE ONE than it is for a guy, I wonder? I did approach life like that when I was younger, all misty-eyed and dreamy about true love and finding my soul mate and such. I also thought I needed someone to be complete. Then I needed my children to complete me. Now I'm just me. Do you have to grow older to realize that all you really need is yourself?
Is it more of a "girl" thing to dream of meeting THE ONE than it is for a guy, I wonder? I did approach life like that when I was younger, all misty-eyed and dreamy about true love and finding my soul mate and such. I also thought I needed someone to be complete. Then I needed my children to complete me. Now I'm just me. Do you have to grow older to realize that all you really need is yourself?
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My heart dropped when I read this title too! and I still don't know what the f/u means. I'm not up on all the acronyms. ???
but I totally agree that something somewhere goes wrong when I just start to think things might actually progress. It's like the shoe dropping scenario. If I am detached things are relatively fine. So I guess the key is to really really stay unattached emotionally until...hmm this is where I'm lost! I am lost as to know when it's ok to give your heart away.
in this case though, I now have strong suspicion that there is something more to the story. The more I mull over the details of our conversations I see that they were progressively deteriorating and it wasn't all my fault.
He brought up issues of his own depression, he feels old, he's bitter about past relationships, he HATES his last girlfriend, i mean hates. He's got this so called pain, he feels like less of a man. And this last week he's become a little crass in his language.
it's about 4pm here and he still hasn't called so....I'm thinking time to cut bait and keep fishing. well...really just cut bait.
but I totally agree that something somewhere goes wrong when I just start to think things might actually progress. It's like the shoe dropping scenario. If I am detached things are relatively fine. So I guess the key is to really really stay unattached emotionally until...hmm this is where I'm lost! I am lost as to know when it's ok to give your heart away.
in this case though, I now have strong suspicion that there is something more to the story. The more I mull over the details of our conversations I see that they were progressively deteriorating and it wasn't all my fault.
He brought up issues of his own depression, he feels old, he's bitter about past relationships, he HATES his last girlfriend, i mean hates. He's got this so called pain, he feels like less of a man. And this last week he's become a little crass in his language.
it's about 4pm here and he still hasn't called so....I'm thinking time to cut bait and keep fishing. well...really just cut bait.
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I still don't get the f/u title.......I'm still thinking that other f/u.....I'm dense. lol
Anyway....after I divorced my axh, I was the one that was unavailable to others. I had the mind set that it was me and my son and I didn't need a man in my life. Period.
Then I met my current husband......still wasn't available for him. In fact, I moved 3,000 miles away to work in NYC.....and that was after one blind date with him. I wouldn't tell him where I was moving to. I didn't tell him how he could contact me. I disappeared.
Eventually, he got my telephone number (from a mutual friend) and began to call me. He called me almost every day for several months and we became friends. That's all we could be since I was 3,000 miles away.
He finally sent me a plane ticket to come out and spend a week with him. I flew out and we talked and talked. He slowly took my "wall" down one brick at a time. He didn't force anything. He was a divorced man who was very independent. I had a great career. He didn't NEED me and quite honestly, I didn't NEED him. We realized though that we WANTED to be together. As he put me back on the plane to go back to NYC, he asked me to come back to Washington and marry him. A month later he flew back there, packed all my stuff and moved my son and I back.
We were married 23 years ago. I am still fiercely independent. He still understands that I am with him because I want to be......not because I need to be (and vice versa).
The moral of this story is.......love happens. But sometimes you have to overcome some obstacles (in my case 3,000 miles and a strong mind set). And it happens when you least expect it.
Anyway....after I divorced my axh, I was the one that was unavailable to others. I had the mind set that it was me and my son and I didn't need a man in my life. Period.
Then I met my current husband......still wasn't available for him. In fact, I moved 3,000 miles away to work in NYC.....and that was after one blind date with him. I wouldn't tell him where I was moving to. I didn't tell him how he could contact me. I disappeared.
Eventually, he got my telephone number (from a mutual friend) and began to call me. He called me almost every day for several months and we became friends. That's all we could be since I was 3,000 miles away.
He finally sent me a plane ticket to come out and spend a week with him. I flew out and we talked and talked. He slowly took my "wall" down one brick at a time. He didn't force anything. He was a divorced man who was very independent. I had a great career. He didn't NEED me and quite honestly, I didn't NEED him. We realized though that we WANTED to be together. As he put me back on the plane to go back to NYC, he asked me to come back to Washington and marry him. A month later he flew back there, packed all my stuff and moved my son and I back.
We were married 23 years ago. I am still fiercely independent. He still understands that I am with him because I want to be......not because I need to be (and vice versa).
The moral of this story is.......love happens. But sometimes you have to overcome some obstacles (in my case 3,000 miles and a strong mind set). And it happens when you least expect it.
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Join Date: May 2005
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btw it's 4:00 pm he never called today. 
I know I should be able to just say oh well life goes on, cut your losses etc. but I'm sad. really sad.
and honestly, this is abnormal for me, but I'm kind of hating men right now.
I know I should be able to just say oh well life goes on, cut your losses etc. but I'm sad. really sad.and honestly, this is abnormal for me, but I'm kind of hating men right now.
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Originally Posted by gns 
Are we so addicted or needy of the attention that we think there is something special there when there really isn't?
I (now) believe that when I connect with another person in the journey of my life, it is usually something special. Whether it's friendship or romance (or both), whether it lasts a few days or many years, whether it is a man or a woman, young or old, well you get the idea. I have encountered many special people in my life and I hope to encounter many more. If I am soooooo focused on finding one particular kind of person for one particular kind of relationship, it's like going on a trip and only thinking about getting to the destination. Then, once I get there and it's not everything I expected, I'm disappointed. AND I've missed many beautiful sights and experiences along the way because I couldn't just relax and enjoy the trip.
Relax. Enjoy the ride.
L
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Connection problems, couldn't finish my thought.
The other part of this is trusting yourself. I had to get to a point where I could trust myself enough to know when someone is not right for me. Not only recognize the red flags, but be honest enough with myself not to rationalize and justify them away. And I had to be comfortable enough in my own skin to understand that what other people do or don't do seldom has much, if anything to do with me at all. In other words, if someone isn't interested in me, chances are it has more to do with them than me. It takes two to have a relationship and I am only one. So, if the other person isn't interested, even though I am, not much I can do about that is there?
L
The other part of this is trusting yourself. I had to get to a point where I could trust myself enough to know when someone is not right for me. Not only recognize the red flags, but be honest enough with myself not to rationalize and justify them away. And I had to be comfortable enough in my own skin to understand that what other people do or don't do seldom has much, if anything to do with me at all. In other words, if someone isn't interested in me, chances are it has more to do with them than me. It takes two to have a relationship and I am only one. So, if the other person isn't interested, even though I am, not much I can do about that is there?
L
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LTD, what you're saying really hits home. There is often a point in a relationship for me where I do begin to have doubts, and I brush them off sometimes thinking I'm just being pessimistic. ie I don't trust my own thoughts! i don't listen to the other person except to hear what i wanna hear.
this guy has in fact given me more than enough reason to just bail. He's intensely angry over his last GF, he was married to an alcoholic, he has anxiety attacks, he's been depressed enough that he's worried about someday becoming a burden to someone, he's given me numerous details of pretty cruel things he used to do 20+ years ago to buddys (jokes and taunting) that he doesn't really seem remorseful about. And above all the thing I detest the most is his insistence on giving me sometimes detailed descriptions of "intimate" acts with other women. When i ask him not to, he laughs, and his reason for telling me, he thinks it's healthy to know bout each others past so that if it comes up in the future we don't feel blindsided.
this guy has in fact given me more than enough reason to just bail. He's intensely angry over his last GF, he was married to an alcoholic, he has anxiety attacks, he's been depressed enough that he's worried about someday becoming a burden to someone, he's given me numerous details of pretty cruel things he used to do 20+ years ago to buddys (jokes and taunting) that he doesn't really seem remorseful about. And above all the thing I detest the most is his insistence on giving me sometimes detailed descriptions of "intimate" acts with other women. When i ask him not to, he laughs, and his reason for telling me, he thinks it's healthy to know bout each others past so that if it comes up in the future we don't feel blindsided.
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Originally Posted by sketscher
btw it's 4:00 pm he never called today. I know I should be able to just say oh well life goes on, cut your losses etc. but I'm sad. really sad.
and honestly, this is abnormal for me, but I'm kind of hating men right now.
I know I should be able to just say oh well life goes on, cut your losses etc. but I'm sad. really sad.and honestly, this is abnormal for me, but I'm kind of hating men right now.
abnormal for you? Youve been posting here over a year, and your history is you keep picking the same men. Unavailable or too clingy, emotionally abusive, deceptive etc.
Dont mean to be harsh...just realistic. The problem isnt the man, its your picker.
Are you ever going to go to alanon? I mean, complaining about it doesnt do anything to solve it.
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I think people, including me, can be on their "best" behavior for several months.
It may sound old fashioned, but there's a lot to be said for not getting too emotionally or sexually involved with someone right off the bat. If the sex comes early, then at least be ready for the emotional fall out if it ends quickly.
I just think it's easy to apply all good things to people when we first meet them; a lot of that having to do with wanting a relationship too badly.
It may sound old fashioned, but there's a lot to be said for not getting too emotionally or sexually involved with someone right off the bat. If the sex comes early, then at least be ready for the emotional fall out if it ends quickly.
I just think it's easy to apply all good things to people when we first meet them; a lot of that having to do with wanting a relationship too badly.
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Originally Posted by Miss Pink
*************caution**********tough love coming***********
abnormal for you? Youve been posting here over a year, and your history is you keep picking the same men. Unavailable or too clingy, emotionally abusive, deceptive etc.
Dont mean to be harsh...just realistic. The problem isnt the man, its your picker.
Are you ever going to go to alanon? I mean, complaining about it doesnt do anything to solve it.
abnormal for you? Youve been posting here over a year, and your history is you keep picking the same men. Unavailable or too clingy, emotionally abusive, deceptive etc.
Dont mean to be harsh...just realistic. The problem isnt the man, its your picker.
Are you ever going to go to alanon? I mean, complaining about it doesnt do anything to solve it.
my apologies, I don't mean to come off as only complaining, the process of writing for me is very theraputic. Reading other's posts and threads and contributing is all very helpful for me.
but to answer you question, Alanon, no. I won't go.
Therapy yes, I've made an appt.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
not all relationships are forever. some are short, some long, some never get off the launch pad. it's that free will thing.....people grow and change. and they are free to decide if maybe this isnt' the relationship they want to take further. if it's meant to be, it will be....effortlessly..........
I like to think of it as 'looking for my salt'.....someone who enhances my flavor.
I also tell my friends.....'just be the cake'.......always good on it's own, but even better with frosting. Either way.....still delicious.
There is no better feeling than being alone, but never feeling lonely. People oftentimes don't allow themselves to be quiet. Not always seeking. Not trying to fill time. When you keep trying to go outside of yourself to find what you need....you'll never find what exists in all of us......true peace. It's there in everyone....some people find it and some don't.
It's a matter of allowing yourself and trusting yourself, accessing it. There's no better way to get there than good old fashioned life experience. The more you go through and GET through.....higher and higher you go.
All good things in time.....and nothing good ever happens quickly.
Infinite patience brings immediate results (quoted from my man, Dr. Wayne Dyer).
Peace!!
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Originally Posted by sketscher
this guy has in fact given me more than enough reason to just bail. He's intensely angry over his last GF, he was married to an alcoholic, he has anxiety attacks, he's been depressed enough that he's worried about someday becoming a burden to someone, he's given me numerous details of pretty cruel things he used to do 20+ years ago to buddys (jokes and taunting) that he doesn't really seem remorseful about. And above all the thing I detest the most is his insistence on giving me sometimes detailed descriptions of "intimate" acts with other women. When i ask him not to, he laughs, and his reason for telling me, he thinks it's healthy to know bout each others past so that if it comes up in the future we don't feel blindsided.
Sketscher.................Run.....As fast as you can...........Head for the hills!!
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Originally Posted by sketscher
he's given me numerous details of pretty cruel things he used to do 20+ years ago to buddys (jokes and taunting) that he doesn't really seem remorseful about. And above all the thing I detest the most is his insistence on giving me sometimes detailed descriptions of "intimate" acts with other women. When i ask him not to, he laughs, and his reason for telling me, he thinks it's healthy to know bout each others past so that if it comes up in the future we don't feel blindsided.
KJSCHRAEDER~
This is not social anxiety....what's described above is NOT NORMAL/acceptable behavior.
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This thread is exactly what I needed to read today!
I also have a broken picker. I was telling my therapist this week that if you put 100 men in a room all being equally physically attractive to me, I will pick the one with the most issues. ALWAYS!
My relationship history is 1) Sweet guy, but lost. He didn't have an independent thought on anything. Well, he didn't have to have one because I thought for him. 2) Separated BUT NOT divorced. Totally available, or so I thought. Ultimately he went back to his wife. 3) Addict...morning, noon, and night on the stuff. He hid it from me until I relocated to NYC. I found out 4 weeks into being here. No friends, no family. I'm thankful to be here, but stayed way too long because the city scared me for a while. I also stayed because even back then I was a codie in denial 4) Alcoholic who hid it from me for 3 years, then BAM the night I thought I was getting an engagement ring!
I now realize that I have to fix my picker. It's totally dismantled at this point, but I'm not sure how to rebuild it. Hours of therapy ahead for me!
I know everyone has baggage. Every man I ever meet will have baggage. I'm perfectly ok with a suitcase full of issues. Bringing a whole U-Haul is not ok!
I also have a broken picker. I was telling my therapist this week that if you put 100 men in a room all being equally physically attractive to me, I will pick the one with the most issues. ALWAYS!
My relationship history is 1) Sweet guy, but lost. He didn't have an independent thought on anything. Well, he didn't have to have one because I thought for him. 2) Separated BUT NOT divorced. Totally available, or so I thought. Ultimately he went back to his wife. 3) Addict...morning, noon, and night on the stuff. He hid it from me until I relocated to NYC. I found out 4 weeks into being here. No friends, no family. I'm thankful to be here, but stayed way too long because the city scared me for a while. I also stayed because even back then I was a codie in denial 4) Alcoholic who hid it from me for 3 years, then BAM the night I thought I was getting an engagement ring!
I now realize that I have to fix my picker. It's totally dismantled at this point, but I'm not sure how to rebuild it. Hours of therapy ahead for me!
I know everyone has baggage. Every man I ever meet will have baggage. I'm perfectly ok with a suitcase full of issues. Bringing a whole U-Haul is not ok!
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
funny - my other half and i have told each pretty much everything that transpired til we met.....it's like we KNOW each other's former flames, flings and f(ck ups.......it's part of who we are and how we got here....we hold nothing back, why should we? we agreed up front to be honest with each other in all things......no judgements......i spent way too much of my life parceling myself, being only what someone else wanted me to be.........displaying only the good things.....but dangit, this is me, this is what you get, you might as well know the whole gig so you can make an informed choice as to whether i'm someone you can deal with, AS IS.......
it's been working for five blissful years now........
it's been working for five blissful years now........
That's why i guess i'm drawn now to therapy.
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