rosemary24

Hi everyone ..well i had joined this site along time ago but was having trouble posting..so i tried again..yeah i got in...
i think this is a good site for me being that my boyfriend of 7months is i believe an A. I dont think our situation is bad as it is..but i dont want it to get any worse. He does all the normal things like hide the beer and i get mad at him for that. I told him never to do that again and he has stopped i check. Hes too lazy(just doesnt clean after himself) to throw the beer away. Im sure everyone has the same stories. He isnt abusive and doesnt even get mad. He just doesnt stop drinking. I havent attended any meetings. Well some that are online.. a couple....its different. I and his parents think he should go to AA. But people say he just is not ready to change yet. He does go to some meeting...more like a study and they give him medication to see if it actually works. Hes a binge drinker and i dont let him to that anymore. He would drink 4 days in a row. I try to keep him busy doing something else. I hate the tuesdays, wednesdays (drink specials) and fridays and saturdays. I do believe he is my soul mate. I just wish things would get easier ..fast. Im thinking that a bigger commitment (marriage) would make him realize he shouldnt be doing this anymore..well...because he gets soo mad because his older brother goes out when he should be spending time with his wife. The problem that i am having now is his friend. But friends come first. His friend blames me for him drinking to much.

Thanks for listening and venting.

matters

Hello rosemary24 and welcome!!!

First of all I would like to say that YOU don't make him drink. Nobody does. He drinks because he wants to period! Getting married will not change him unless he wants to change. I don't want you to get your hopes up and then be disappointed later.

All of us have a common bond but everyone is different. Take care of yourself!! Coming here is a good move. Keep coming back and be sure to read the sticky power posts at the top of the boards. Lots of good info there!!

prayers and hugs,
matters

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Rosemary.

Welcome back! Nobody can tell you whether or not you should marry this man. However, I'm going to suggest that you not marry him expecting that he will change. The desire for sobriety has to come from inside him, and trying to figure out what you can do to make him get sober, up to and including marrying him is probably beating your head against a brick wall. It's safest for your heart to think of the alcohol or drug user in your life as an as-is commodity. Just like he is... do you want to marry him? Because that is what he may always be. And another question you may want to ask yourself is whether or not YOU want to be the person who is working hard on HIS sobriety. Keeping him busy, making rules, figuring out how he needs to fix it. None of it is likely to reform him... just exhaust you.

Lot's of people recover from alcohol and drug abuse problems. I don't mean to imply that there is no hope. But that hope's fulfillment has to come from the abuser.

Are you looking for alanon meetings in your area? If you have trouble letting go of the notion that you can demand, beg or cajole him into quitting, it may be a good thing for you to check out.

Hugs!
Smoke

EmotionalMeg

Hi Rosemary!
So glad you made your way here

You know what STRUCK me about your post? How much RESPONSIBILTY you are taking of HIS disease. Oh, you are not crazy or anything... I guess I recognize this, because I have soooo been there.

"He does all the normal things like hide the beer and i get mad at him for that."
...You don't HAVE to react to his behavior... For some reason, us "codependants" like to mother our addicts - like they don't know any better

"I and his parents think he should go to AA. But people say he just is not ready to change yet."
...People are probably right, he's NOT ready to change... The hardest part for US is that we WANT the change so much - We are convinced we know what is right for them...

"Hes a binge drinker and i dont let him to that anymore. He would drink 4 days in a row. I try to keep him busy doing something else."
...You don't have to DO anything, honest! Keeping him busy isn't going to make it harder for him to drink; he will just get sneakier. Their disease is so "powerful and cunning" that they will find ways, ANY ways of getting that next drink.

"Im thinking that a bigger commitment (marriage) would make him realize he shouldnt be doing this anymore..well...because he gets soo mad because his older brother goes out when he should be spending time with his wife"
...married, single, divorced, widowed... Alcoholics come in every package. If his drinking is affecting you in these ways NOW, it will only get worse as his disease progresses. Marriage will NOT cure him, change him or JOLT him into sobriety... Trust me I know ... I tried it too.

I hate it when I do this...
Rosemary, I am so not trying to advise you or be a know-it-all, preachy type of person. I guess I feel I am helping, by sharing the things I have learned...
Perhaps you could look back at your post, and the responses... and just trust that we have all been right where you are. It hurts me to see a newcomer in pain, because I remember... I also have a desire to want to help.

Keep coming here
Take care
Meg

EyesOpen

but wanted to mention that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse (they become more detached from the world) as time goes by.

So, not only keep in mind that you can't change him, but he may not be able to fulfill his end of the relationship as well as he can now.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.......

myles1

Please don't marry him. His alcoholism is only going to get worse down the road. Marriage will not be help.

Unless he sees he has a problem and voluntarily wants to get help for himself you will be setting yourself up for a life of misery.

Ngaire