vrb

My xabf and I work in the same place. We don't work together but you will see the other person about once a day by nature of the layout of the place.
I find this very very hard.

3 weeks ago I thought we were working our relationship out and then suddenly he went cold, mean, judgemental and "wanted space", be friends as he has to work hard on his recovery (he is 3 years sober) . Since then he has pretty much been silent. Any interactions have been cold and painful for me. If we do see each other at work he has a mask of coldness and I made of glass to him.

Perhaps the very last straw was last week when we had agreed to talk - he just told me that he didn't have the time and had to reschedule. That it wasn't urgent for him, maybe next week. I was definitely not a high priority
I was shocked and very hurt by all this. I just didnt see it coming.

So moving on, I have done a lot of grieving. reading post and writing.
I've come to the place where I don't need to talk to him because I have all the information I need.
I don't want and cannot be friends with someone like him.
I have a resolve to move on and focus on myself but it is hard some days
this is so new.

When I see him at work, I feel very anxious and upset. Its very difficult to focus. I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience and what they did to calm themselves down. I need to find a way to simply be at peace with myself. I think as time goes on I can do this as I get stronger.

Right now I need some help with finding ways to breathe and recenter.

I do some Yoga in the mornings and trying breathe. I have some good friends who have agreed that I can call when its bad.

Writing and reading to this group has been very healing and helpful

thanks

V

Janitw

Well...for me it would be impossible to focus on my job and I would try to find another job.....jmho of course....I think the only thing you can do is detach mentally and try to avoid ANY visual contact at all costs. Out of sight - Out of mind kinda thing..

Once he catches on that YOU have gone no contact he may and probably will try to work his magic again and you should be prepared for this. Just give him more of the same. He wants space well alrighty then.....give him all of it.

Janitw

Barbara52

I too would find it extremely difficult to work with him. Can you begin a job search? Perhaps its time to move on to a better position somewhere?

RosieM

I work at the same place as my AH. It's tough. I'm moving so I won't have to deal with it anymore.

lexusgirl

I could barely live in the same town as my exabf, let alone have to work with him. Possibly a new job may bring a new start and less stress..?

Kasey

I gave up alcohol for my ex but was bitter about it. Not at her just at trying to deal with sobriety. It's up to you how you act towards him. I regret every minute of time I wasted being angry about not being sober.

NYC_Chick

I worked with an ex for a year and a half after we broke up. He wasn't an A, but messed up in different ways. Anyway, we worked at a salon together. Moving clients to another shop can be like pulling teeth and can be career ending in some cases. So, I worked practically back to back with him for 40 hours a week and would pray each day I had to work for God to get me through the day. He eventually was bitter about the break-up, although it was his choice, and started flirting/maybe sleeping with another girl we worked with. Then he started harassing me, calling me names and trying to tear down my work. I would never react, just hear it, then walk into the bathroom cry, wipe my face, and greet my next client. It's very difficult, but can be done.

Also, a friend of mine that I worked with at the salon once told me..."never let him see you down." So, I would put in some extra time each day to make sure I looked good. Sounds dumb, but it worked wonders for my self esteem, at least what little I had left!

vrb

thanks for your messages. Right now I don't have a choice to move on.
Besides I actually liked this job more than most others I had.
Today I hit rock bottom with him.

I saw him, and stupid stupid STUPID me I tried to talk to him. all I managed to do was make him mad. I asked when was he ever going to make the time to talk. Guess what, he wasn't interested in what I needed. He got up and left my office.

I now realize I dint need to talk to him because I have all the information I need. I agree with NYC chick never show them how you really feel.

I have debated about sending an email that simply says form now on its professional no other discussions. but I feel that is just continuing the thread


So I feel really dumb and stupid and small - well I did this afternoon but maybe I needed that.

Somehow I see a small dimly lit path, I'd sure appreciate some words of wisdom.

thanks

V

AnotherAnais

You aren't dumb or stupid or small. But by continuing to chase after him for conversation, you've given him the power. And he's using it against you.

You *have* to make yourself not care, and not chase after him. It makes you feel (and look bad), and it probably makes him feel good.

vrb

And because it happened I dont feel there is a way back
so pray for me tomorrow to start a new day where there is no communication

V

appleblaster

(((vrb)))

Perhaps you are reacting to the negative feelings his presence conjures up in you.

Those feelings are emotions and they do not define you and you do not need to take any action on them.

Since changing jobs is not an option, you can still handle yourself with dignity and be civil on a professional level. But that does not need an introduction. He took it upon himself to change his level of communication with you and you've got that same right.

You do not owe him an explanation.....it is a natural response to his behavior.

His being unavailable has nothing at all to do with you. Active alcoholics are unavailable. The times when they seem available are the times when they need something from us weather that be sex, money, attention, love or even familiarity.

Sometimes our paths are dirty and small but they are only a tiny part of our journey. Keep going forward and you will be walking in the light again. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Much love!!

vrb

thanks appleblaster

Good thoughts indeed.

He is an alcoholic, but been sober for 3 years.

sigh another day. I can thank you guys enough for your comments and support.

V

Pick-a-name

Sorry you are hurting. Been there myself too often lately. Anything that I can do to take the focus off him and to not REACT,seems to be in my best interest. (Even if it means looking for something,making a phone call,etc......anything to keep me from getting sucked into the drama........most of it is inside me and a little spark can light up a huge fire of drama within myself,IF I allow myself to go with it.

Somedays, I even think (and just tell myself this)..."pity the fool;he's losing out on one awesome person!" and believe it! (because it is true...his loss! )

AnotherAnais

What pick-a-name said. Hold your head up. You don't owe him or anyone else on the planet any explanation for cool civility.