underwood

I dug out my journal today. My first entry dates back to 1990. I started it as a way to record events in my "family"...first words, funny events, milestones with my children. It soon became a place where I would record the most painful words and events in my relationship with my A Husband. Since I am new to this I am so thrilled that I can share these memories through tears with those who do not know me but understand what I feel. 1/7/06 "Reading through these pages bring back pain and uncertainty. I should keep a record of the good and the bad but I guess I come here in sercret when things are not so great. This has been a hard year. Mom died on 9 September and of course when K (my sister) called at 1am I had to grieve alone. A H was passed out in drunk land. Two thirds of his day when he's home...he's not. Things are not so bad if I look the other way from his drinking but that puts me in the situation that is hard to manage. No friends and no people around equals no embarrassment. It is so lonely here." This entry is the most tame. Looking at earlier entries I am shocked that I am still married. What does that make me? 9/11/98 Germany "Living here for 13 months now. Went home for the summer with only the kids...it was great. NORMAL. This..is not normal. Living here with someone who refers to me as a stupid, fat, gross, dike"..."oh yeah I didn't really call you those things. I was making a comparison." "I guess I should realize just who it is that I am living with--who I am married to---who it is that cares about me. Why doesn't this all fit? What a fool I have been...I am a fool still. We make our lives what they are. What a waste mine has turned out to be." Events like these happen during drinking but you all know that. I am not really stupid or fat or gross and I am straight. So why do drunk men say these things to women they love? I am beginning not to care.

shakarris

I have asked myself this many times over. I am moving soon but the things he has called me still sting. When I look at him sober and he smiles I think wow there you are.. and in a matter of hours that nasty man is back.

Why does he - did he -because I was not strong enough then to care more about me than I do now. He did not remember the next day the horrible things he said and instead of rocking the boat .. I just let it go - now I let it tip over- I do not care he can drown in his own misery

I deserve better and I plan on getting what I deserve

be kind to yourself.... it is a slow process all this stuff but it will happen the way you want it to with just a little patience

hugs

shakarris

hope2bhappy

If I had kept a journal, mine would have gone back to 1986 (with this A). Time really flies, doesn't it?

Not all drunk men say these things. My AH never did. But I believe these words come from a dark place inside of them, where they feel guilt and a great deal of inferiority. The uglier they see themselves, the more they try to transfer this ugliness on to someone else... usually their spouse and/or children. You don't have to live like this.

Mair

Hi Underwood, i read my journals back every now and then, and find it really helps with my recovery. It puzzles and scares me sometimes how much c..p i took from my xab, but still i went back for more. that is until I found my bottom. What i am learning from all this is that I deserve better, I do not have to tolerate abuse, I am a human being with the right to be happy, and that there is only one person who can acheive all this and that is ME.

Continue with your journal, and watch youself grow as you learn more about this horrible disease and recover.

Mair xx

katyk

Journals are interesting, because they remind you of many things you may have blocked out! When you take abuse or bad things happen with your A, you can't dwell in that space all the time or you'll go mad. But then, you look back on paper and realize how often, and how bad, it really was. Or is.

I think journals are better for working things out while you face them than strolling down memory lane later on, but re-reading can be insightful... I feel like I've come a long way in my two months of formally pursuing recovery. I had tons of denial even six months ago, and it shows in those pages.

underwood

"I think journals are better for working things out while you face them than strolling down memory lane later on, but re-reading can be insightful..."
Thank you Katyk, I think that looking at the journal and dwelling on it makes me avoid the recovery process to a certain extent. It is easy to remain in the storm of blame and hurt. What I am hearing and reading as a newcomer leads me to believe that I am just as responsible for the misery by participating and ignoring it....hoping that it will change and not taking care of myself.

RosieM

My journal was stolen when somebody took my laptop. Some lucky new laptop owner is getting an interesting read. I'm wondering if I'll see it on the best-seller list one day.

Shivaya

I understand and I can relate. I've tried to point out to my AH that his colleagues get the best of him, during the day, and his wife and children get the "drunk" guy, who is constantly pushing us all away. He's home, but he's not emotionally available.

I feel a sense of shame, waste and really just plain stupidity for allowing myself and my children to be in this situation for so long.

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled in all of our relationships, and it is up to us to decide what we accept, and what we don't accept.

For me, I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior. I mean this, I feel this, and I am starting to live this, for the very first time in my life. I'm not messing around. I am setting boundaries. This feels good.

You may want to think about Alanon and seeing a counselor. It helps me tremendously.

Do something special for yourself today, something that will bring a smile to your face!

Shivaya

lostnfound1961

Boy do I understand where you are comming from. My husband basicly made sure everyone around us this weekend knew I was the reason he didn't get to have fun. Who knew I was the albitros around his neck.

I have been keeping a journal for the last seven months. I try to write in it every day and I even have a little code list to rate the day next to the date. Things like
1. Excessive, leaving or driving dtunk this would be 1E Or 1ED
That sort of stuff. that way even without reading the days details I can see just how the day went.

I am one of those people who will forget how bad I was treated this week because today or yesterday was so nice. I know I had a bad week but I forget just how bad. This journal is like a friend I can talk to. I'm even openly having talks with my self because my head knows what to do but my heart is frozen in this dark place.

Keep posting and keep journaling.
D