Lilyflower

I'm a bit of a rocker at heart, just been thinking about this song by Radiohead which I think is apt...

Just...

Can't get the sink off
He's been hanging round for days
Come like a comet
Suckered you but not your friends
One day he'll get to you
Teach you how to be a holy cow

You do it to yourself
You do
And that's what really hurts
Is you do it yourself
Just you
You and no-one else
You do it to yourself.

Don't get no sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
You've changed the locks 3 times
He still comes reeling through the door
And soon he'll get to you
Teach you how to get to purest hell.

You do it to yourself
You do
And that's what really hurts
Is you do it yourself
Just you
You and no-one else
You do it to yourself.

Lily xxxxxx

hbb

I know what you mean, i was wondering the same kinds of things from in here at SR and Al Anon. It made no sense to me, I thought/insisted I was fine and he was a mess. Well over time i've come to learn/realize that i was also going down with the sinking ship without my own paddle. I ignored all the red flags, warnings, chaos. I should have never stayed or even started with him for that matter. Like LTD said it's more about reclaiming who you were before the storm.

I walked into the forum like he was the only problem, now i realize that i had my own to work on. It's great you are going to Al Anon, it's very helpful.

hugs to you

Miss Pink

when someone throws poop at me, and I stay for more, there is definitly something wrong with me.

thus, I need help.

Healthy people dont participate in poop throwing....they move onto to better gardens, where the fertilizer is distributed appropriately.

tryingtofly

I think maybe it's the wording that got to me. I like the way you say "changes". I'd prefer thinking that I need to make changes (ie: take better care of me) instead of thinking I needed to fix myself. To my fixing implies something is broken or damaged, where as change is a positive thing.

tryingtofly

I love the analogy! It sure made me laugh (and think of the movie Madagascar)

Kindeyes

I understand the resistance to the terms co-dependent and enabler. Somehow, they do have a negative connotation. Sometimes it's easier to see if you look at behavior instead of the words themselves.

Alcoholics tend to have difficulty with logic. Those who love them often try to help them see what IS logical only to wind up time and time again in an argument.

Alcoholics often do very passive aggressive things. Those who love them often retaliate with passive agressive maneuvers.

Alcoholics lie and hide things. Those who love them spend a lot of time trying to uncover the lies and find the things (booze, drugs, etc.) that are hidden.

Alcoholics sometimes can't keep jobs. Those who love them will spend hours scouring the want ads and internet to find them suitable employment.

Alcoholics blame everyone else for any little problem they have. Those who love them know it's not true but feel guilty anyway.

Alcoholics get into trouble. Those who love them bail them out.

Alcoholics often have money problems. Those who love them give them money.

Alcoholics often make crappy decisions. Those who love them try to point those out and tell them what a better decision would be for them.

Alcoholics often make a mess of their lives. Those who love them....because they love them.....try to minimize or fix the problems for the alcoholic so that they don't feel the consequences of their drinking.

It is this pattern of behavior on both sides of the problem that can cause the problem to continue for both parties. And of course, not every relationship with an alcoholic does all or any of these things. Someone has to stop the chain reaction that occurs. I think Alanon is only trying to help us see that if we concentrate on us and stop the behaviors as listed above........something's going to happen. The cycle will change. The intent is for the loved one to be able to better cope with the alcoholic whether they are drinking or not. The result for the alcoholic is that they begin to FEEL the consequences of their drinking.

I don't dwell on the words "co-dependent" or "enabler". I am trying to concentrate on my behavior and how it affects they dynamics of the relationship with my A son(and man.....that's a real struggle sometimes!)

hugs

Barbara52

Well, then, throw that word "fix" out of the discussion! The particular word or label we use actually can have a big effect on how we see things. Symantics do matter. Words are powerful things and using a different word can help us see a situation or problem more clearly.