lostnfound1961

I went back to counceling this week. Things are getting worse at home and last Sunday I just sat and cried/waled because once again my husband had said he would be right back and lied.

The counceler asked me what I wanted to get out of seeing her. I stammered adn stuttered. I said I needed help with my codependency and I knew that would most likely lead to me leaving my ah.

God I am a mess. As soon as I said it out loud, I wanted to take it back like it was some big secret. My secret from me. She asked me what I was afraid of. I don't know for sure, I just know I am afraid.

My ah got mad and upset that I was going back. He does not understand that my pain is real. It's like he has tunnel vision. My tummy was in knots and I was sitting there wishing I could take back telling him. I couldn't and so I knew I would just have to get through the night. It took me forever to get to sleep then when I did..... I had bad dreams about my family and how everyone was hurting me. My dog was somehow a horse and was laying on the ground and I had my arms around his neck and I was crying. It was like they all hated me and were laughing at me. Even my mom. (who is dead) They were going to have a big party and drink to high heven. It went on for at least three days and all I wanted was to leave and go home but I would somehow end up right there again.

I need a nap to recover from my sleep.
Sorry for rattleing.
D

denny57

(((lostnfound)))

Barbara52

**{hugs}}

I am so sorry you are in such pain.

Kindeyes

I'm glad that you are seeking counseling. I hope she is able to get you in the right direction for recovery. This is so painful to deal with and I'm so sorry that you are hurting.

gentle hugs

LaTeeDa

That's what counselors are for. To help you figure it out. I know my fears turned out to be much, much bigger when they were trapped inside me than they really were when I allowed them to come out.

(((())))

L

hadenoughnow

:sorry (((hugs)))

Shivaya

I am sorry you are hurting. The good news is that you are seeing a counselor for yourself. Continue to do what feels right for you, and don't give another thought to the fact your ah is mad & angry that you are seeing a counselor.

I relate to your comment about wanting to take what you said back. I was there about 5 weeks ago. Now, I am so glad that I "opened the can of worms", so to speak. I've seen this written here many, many times and I've found it useful....."nothing changes if nothing changes".

So.....your situation can change if you want it to. You have the power. I've found both counseling and al-anon to be very helpful. This is by no means an enjoyable process, but I'm finding that it is a necessary process for me to work towards the life I should have been living all along.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are progressing.

Shivaya

Freedom1990

I clung onto my sick dysfunctional marriage like a security blanket (think Linus from Charlie Brown). It didn't matter how dirty, or smelly, or torn that blanket got, I wouldn't let go.

I had overwhelming fear of being alone, of never being loved again, and I had no idea how I could possibly make it 'out there'.

My journey into my own recovery has been incredible. I have raised two girls by myself for the most part now over 20 years.

Sure there have been tough times, times I was so tired I couldn't even cry, and wanted to give up.

I think it's no coincidence that I had nightmares for years after I left him because it helped me remember just how bad it was, and it kept me determined to stay on the right track.

Today, I have no significant other in my life, and I'm okay with that!

I've learned to be comfortable in my own skin, not look to others to meet my needs, but rather to look within.

There is such a big beautiful world out there waiting to be embraced, if only you will have it.

My heart hurts for all you beautiful ladies still caught in the insanity of someone's alcoholism. You are me.

Thank you lostnfound for your post. It brought tears to my eyes because I understand what you are going through, and I am glad I am able to extend a helping hand, even if it's via the internet.

Keeping you in my prayers :ghug2

Growing

((((lostnfound1961))))

Just want to send care and prayers your way...one foot in front of the other...good for you with the counseling...keep moving forward.

Pajarito

lostnfound, I hope you are feeling better today. I go to a wonderful counselor. There were a few times over the past year when she and I uncovered things that really scared me- like that I needed to think of the possibility of separating from my AH. I'd leave her office scared but realizing that she was right, and that my "secrets" were going to be the beginning of a path I needed to take. I had no idea where that path would lead me, but I knew I needed to get real. The reality was that I was miserable. The reality IS that I can change no one but myself. My counselor has been trying to help me see that- for a long time. It's finally starting to click- but it isn't easy. I am dealing with some heavy things right now, and doing ok with her help- If it were not for her, the people on this forum and friends and family- I would be crazy. It helps to talk things out with people who can help you find a better path-for you- wherever it might take you.

My AH has also hated that I go to counseling and that I wanted him to go with me. I keep going for myself regardless of what he thinks. I hope you will do what you feel is right for you. (((Hugs)))