Mskattie

I am experiencing mixed feelings of sadness and guilt right now. Over the weekend, I have decided absolute No Contact with my ex. It was and still is a difficult decision for me, but I feel that it is needed for me to move on. I just did not want him to call me and try to be "friends" with me. And, I hated myself for having an option of picking up the phone when he calls just because I miss hearing his voice. So, I changed my numbers. Now, he has no way of contacting me. It is such a strange feeling, that he is no longer able to call me, soon I will not have any access to call him either since he will be moving by the end of the month. I will not know where he will be or how he will be doing ( well, unless he writes me but less likely, since he will not pursue anything that doesn't produce immediate response). We will be complete strangers.

I feel sad because this is it. There is no way back, no chaging of mind to return to the way it was. I also feel guilt, I feel like I am abandoning him. The big reason I am no longer wanting to be with him is because he has always acted like a 8 yr old, selfish and immature, and I just had it. But yet, I also feel guilty for leaving him, when I think of him, I see this scared little boy who is confused and lost. I am trying to tell myself that he is an adult, and he will be fine, he has lived and survived his life before he met me.

I wonder if anyone ever felt this way? It is probably the need to be a "savior" or to "take care" part of co-dependence, I hope I am going to get over it soon.

denny57

Yes, I felt that way. No contact was the absolute best gift I ever gave to myself. I believe it helped me move on in a way I could not have otherwise. Every day it got easier. Every day was calmer than the last. Today, I am very happy I did it - it was not easy, but very much worth it.

Take care. ((()))

Barbara52

I found going no contact with my AH was the best thing for me. It gave me time to heal right after I left him. Gave me time to get the noise of the drama out of my head.

Remember. He is not a little boy. He is an adult fully capable of making his own choices (good and bad) and living his life as he sees fit.

peaceteach

I agree. No contact = time for ME and MY feelings.

NYC_Chick

I feel the same way. I pulled the phone contact plug about 8 weeks ago because phone contact is way too hard. he still sends text messages, but only once a week. I read them and understand they are manipulation. The truth is I don't know anything about his life other than he's "really struggling with our separation (break-up only to me I guess)." That and where he is every Friday night because I used to go watch him at his gigs on those nights. That's the worst knowing exaclty where he is between this hour and that hour. I keep myself very busy at those times and pray for the hours to go by quick.

Anyway, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's very difficult. But someone else said on this board that nothing has to be forever. I get overwhelmed thinking about the NEVER part of no contact. Actually I get panic attacks. That's why I haven't changed my number yet. It's coming, but it will take just a little more time.

For now, be proud of yourself for such a big step. That takes a lot of strength. :praying

sodetermined

Well, I have gone separation but am still answering the phone, and believe me, my way is not the better way to go. My abf called me tonight and was so mean and hurtful, called me names and had me in tears YET AGAIN. He called again and I didn't answer. I know if I give it enough time, I will feel guilty, too. They tend to manipulate us like that, into feeling bad for them, but I know that right now he has no feelings of guilt for the way he talked to me.

Mskattie

NEVER part of no contact makes me overwhelmed also, I get panicky just thinking that there is no way of contacting my ex now. I usually don't do too well with good bye in general, so it is a big step for me. But, you are right, nothing has to be forever, I am going to take one day at a time.

Come to think of it, I don't really know about my ex's life either. We have been long-distance for a long time, so I don't really know his routine that much, only the things he tells me, which I don't completely believe anyway lol.

Mskattie

I couldn't take that roller coaster anymore, that's why I went No Contact and changed my numbers. Everytime I answered his calls, I ended up feeling angry and sad.

Oh, my ex is pretty good with making me feel guity all right! He used to say in really sorry voice "I won't bother you anymore" and "I will leave you alone" as if I am abandoning this sorry innocent soul.

DESIGNER

I have been going back and forth in my head over this one for a while. Situation is different then yours....he is leaving me and saying that we will never be able to make this work....we are bad for each other. I basically look at it as though he is saying.... I am sick of trying to control this drinking problem and sick ofyou yelling at me for my drinking and i am going to live with people who do not care if I drink.

Anyway he wants to be friends still because he says that I am such a good person and that he would hate to lose me completely. I think that by being " friends" he is getting what he wants.....have me on the side in case he changes his mind. We have broken up 3 x and each time he is the one to walk away and then 6 months later wants me back.

It is going to be devastating to me to tell him that I want no contact but I think that talking to him would just set me back. All he is going to tell me is how great he is doing and won't give me the details and I believe that I will find myself thinking that it was me all along(which I know is not true).
I am going to look at it like turning the page and starting a new chapter of my life. I will never forget the past but i have to move on and that is the only way.

I have told him before that i think that I can be friends and he was happy about that but just the other day I said that I don't know if that is possible. Right now he is not sure of what I am going to say

I think that I am going to tell him that I would love to be friends with him eventually but that I don't want any contact untill he is in recovery. He admits that he has a problem but I am really not sure that he will ever get to the recovery part completly. This may mean that once we are done with moving all of our things that I may have no more contact with him ever again.
Very hard to think about but it is for the best.

appleblaster

Wow Mskattie, you just told my story with my xabf. The good no longer outweighs the bad and what used to be sparks of good times are few and far between. I don't want to be friends with him b/c its too difficult to be his friend at this point. I don't even like him anymore.

I feel big guilt for that. I can totally relate to the abandoning thing. As for the scared little boy.....I used to see him that way but realized that I was only romanticizing the whole thing. It only drew me back in for more. I changed my mobile phone number but kept my home number. I felt the gravity of that and much like you, my ex may be going away for a while. Unfortunately its not b/c he's moving.....he faces having his parole revoked b/c he was stopped and suspected of DWI. Sigh......

Today I met with his parents to hand over a few of his things that I still had. They are just about done with him. I said "even the most dysfunctional codependent people have their limits and mine have been exceeded." They felt it was about time.

It feels like such a waste but these things have all been his choice. We are both 37 years old. Its also been my choice to stick around for all of this mess. But today I really don't want anymore of it and i'm even at the point where I do not want to see him go to prison for a long time but I am relieved that I no longer have a part in all of it.

I'm so there with ya. Thanks for posting this.

Mskattie

Hi, Designer. My situation is not much different from yours, my ex also has initially left me saying that he rather wanted to live with his friend than live with me. We were planning to move in together as he was going to reach his 6 months of sobriety. He changed his mind/plan and said he was gonna live with his friend, and if I am going to b*tch about it then he is breaking up. So, we supposedly broke up, but he kept calling me trying to be "friends" with me.

I also feel that my ex wants me on the side in case he changes his mind, he can't completely let me go at the same time he does not want committment of relationship, that's how I see it. It happens that that's what I want, committment, and if he can't give it to me for whatever the reasons are, then I don't want to waste any more time.

I also hate hearing how great he is doing, like your ex, my ex does not give much details either. I really don't know if he is truly sober and working his recovery now, but he sure continues his habits of being secretive from his days of using and drinking.

Mskattie

I totally agree with the romanticizing part, I romanticized a lot about him and his behaviors. I took his child-like self-centered behaviors as being "pure" and "innocent" when I really should see them as what they are, selfish behaviors, that I am not willing to accept.

I changed both mobile and home numbers. I changed my mobile first, then he started to bug me at home so I changed my home number also. I can almost hear his temper tantrums. But, I know I really had to draw the boundary this time, I am not going to be drawn back into it and wast another few years hoping things will be soon different. It is time I make things be different for me.

NYC17

My GF left on sat. But I see so much of her in these posts and perhaps a little not here. She manipulates, plays victim, takes no responsiblity but she also made the decision to leave saying she needed this right now and she had to have her space and time to do what she wanted an to not worry about me. It took me actually initiating the break up for her to run with it as the best idea I've ever had. she texts me when I don't want and doens't when I do. We haven't spoken in 3 days. when she left she said she was sorry and that she would try to stay at a friends house but if she couldn't she still wouldn't come back even though she had no where to go. PFFT. She said this wasn't a final decision but if I wanted to make it one it she'd understand. PFFFT! Then she said, this isn't easy for me and if I needed to talk to call her. ARGH! I'm so tired of the BS.

carolineb

When it finally dawned on me that my xbf was an alcoholic, I stopped answering his calls and texts.

3 weeks passed and I was starting to feel really good. Then he called and blocked his number. I answered. We ended up talking on the phone for 1/2 hour.

It was at that point that I realized I just couldn't do it. I felt like a sitting duck.

Back to no contact. It is for the best.

MsPINKAcres

my friends, after carrying what felt like the guilt of the world for so long in my life - I learned in recovery that not everything is my fault - I didn't cause the fall of the world, nor did I cause my loved ones to be Alcoholics/addicts, most importantly I didn't not cause ANY of their relapses.

The decisions I make to take care of myself, decisions for my sanity, my security, my peace, my joy and my life are MY decisions - how another ADULT lets those decisions affect them has nothing to do with me.
So when Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster tries to start dancing around in Ritaville - I serve eviction notice on him and get him out of my head - he is no longer welcome!!

As long as I know my motives and intentions are pure and for what is healthy and recovery oriented for me - I have no need to carry guilt about my actions. Mr. Nasty Guilt monster can find somewhere else to go!!

yes we love those people in our lives affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction - but please never forget it is ok to love YOU too.

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita

peaceteach

When it all came to an end in my marriage, I reminded myself that my xah "left" me long before I left him...

Rella927

I'm sorry that you are going through this now-
When I read your post it reminds me of the greatest thing that I ever did was change my number and regain that peace in my life. (Many here told me to change it and I was stubborn!)

Change is hard to get accustom to but, once we work through the uncomfortable feelings I find in this case the "no contact" was a GOOD CHANGE for me!

You say that he acted like an 8 year old-why would you want to date or live life with an 8 year old as a partner? I know I would not.....

In time you will see that this change could turn out to be a GOOD CHANGE for you!



Be gentle with yourself-

Barbara52

Thanks for putting my thoughts into words.

When I realized just how widespread was my acceptance of responsibility for things and people I had no right to take responsibility for, it was truly as if a bulb lit up in my head. I had done it for so long, in so many ways, that I just didn't see it. I've referred to it as experiencing free floating guilt.

Now I do see it and am making definite progress in shedding that mantle of responsibility for things that I do not own. And getting much better at recognizing those things I do own. The free floating guilt is largely gone and on the rare occassions when it floats in, I am much better at recognizing it and blowing it away.