fluffyflea

The night before I went to my first meeting in A.A...........before I even knew I was going to A.A a voice came to me while was sitting in my kitchen drinking my beer and doing my cocaine and told me I needed to stop drinking but I couldn't do it alone.....I needed to go to A.A.

The message was clear as a bell and the next day I went to my first meeting.

That was 3 weeks short of ten years ago.

ngaire

gns

Mike, would you mind sharing your experience as well?

Mine is not quite as dramatic - at the time I had to leave me xabf (he pushed me out) I thought my HP would never let me have love/what I wanted. Now I realize I would have been very unhappy if I actually got what I wanted!

Still hard to trust HP for me, though.

Lilyflower

Anvilhead, you must have read my mind!

I was just about to say that my experience of HP was when I finally let go and let god worry about my abf, his whereabouts, what time he would be home etc. When I did this, I began to feel lighter, calmer and found that I could begin to enjoy my life again. now I don't worry about abf, I trust my HP to do that. My abf is in HPs hands, and no longer swimming around my mind!

Lily xxxxxxx

WantsOut

I'll tell you why you should trust HP - SUGAR FREE PEEPS!!!

In a universe where you can three Peeps - THREE PEEPS(!) - that taste like the sugary kind but have only 60 calories (that's all together, not each) - that's when you know there is a GOD who inspires HUMANKIND to EXCEL and CREATE!

There's the moon landing.
There's anti-biotics.

AND THEN THERE ARE SUGAR FREE PEEPS!

Trust in GOD, my friend, and when you eat a sugar free peep, think of WAntsout whose real name is WANTSPEEPS!

DesertEyes

Here ya go, gns

I'd wound up in the ER once again, don't remember which time. Third, fourth. One of those earlier ones. I was on the gurney, with all kinds of people all around me. Standard ER scene. I felt _awful_, just incredibly weak and sick, ol' pump was acting up again. Then something strange happened, it was like a fish was flopping around inside my chest. Docs later told me it was my valve not closing, and all the blood flowing the wrong way causes the heart to flop around.

I felt a quietness inside me. The fish quit flopping, and my whole insides just kind of deflated. Like the air going out of a balloon. I heard all kinds of new noises from the equipment I was hooked up to, and the nurses and docs seemed to panic. My body felt very light, as if it had no substance to it. I raised my left hand to look at it, and it was white as a sheet. My skin was tingling, like when my foot falls asleep, and it started to feel heavy.

A nurse, or maybe it was a doctor, was holding my face and talking to me, but I could not hear a word, the sounds had just sort of faded away. The colors too, all the color had drained out and it was like the whole ER was now in black and white. One of the docs climbed up on me, and I remember thinking that was _really_ kinky, even for Vegas!!! He put his hands on my chest and leaned down on me, hard, but I felt nothing. I remember wanting to say to him "excuse me, you're not supposed to start chest compressions until I'm actually dead".

That's when I became aware that my heart had stopped. That I had no circulation, that I wasn't breathing. I'd been fighting my heart problems for about six months at the time, and six months was the most any doc had predicted I would live. It was time to go meet the ol HP, and find out what life is _really_ all about. That was the last thing I remember thinking, "wow, it's finally over." I felt the deepest, fullest calm I have ever known. A sense of closure with my entire life, that this was the right and proper way to step out into the next adventure.

Just like in the movies, everything faded slowly to gray, and then to black.

My life was over.

I was floating. Not in the ER but somewhere else. Somewhere _not_ the world of reality that I knew. It felt like one of those old water beds when they don't have enough water. Where you sink halfway into the bed and feel this even pressure all around you. Except that on a bed the pressure is only _under_ you. This soft, even pressure was _all_ around me. Inside and out. And it felt so right, so comfortable.

"Where's the light?" I thought, where's all my dead friends and relatives coming to welcome me? Where's the angels?

Nothing. No light or angels or nothing. Just this very peaceful, quiet pressure.

"where's my **** hollywood light show?" as I grew irritated.

I got an answer, but it wasn't in words. It's like that gut feeling you get sometimes when you've been wondering about something that doesn't make sense, and all of a sudden you know the answer. No words, no thoughts. You just know you know.

"Hush" is what I knew. Something out there, in the gray, something other than me had answered, and I knew it was being gentle and telling me to chill.

So I did. I waited. I knew how much time was passing, something that I am _never_ aware of in a dream. I also knew in a way I cannot explain that this was not a dream. My dreams are always busy, always some kind of crazy images floating around. I never dream of just a gentle grayness.

I felt every single second tick by, and I did not become in the slightest way bored, or restless, or irritated. Which, for me, is a miracle after about 10 seconds. Every single second. Every minute. Every hour.

Two full days went by. Very slowly, peaceful, serene. And then I knew, I just knew, I knew it was time to go back. I have no idea why, what the purpose was. I just knew it was time to go back, and so I did.

My eyes opened up, and I could see the blurry colors and shapes of a hospital room. I could tell I was thoroughly doped up. It was another two or three days before I was weaned off the drugs enough that I could speak, and a couple weeks before they let me out. The docs told me I'd had a "cardiac arrest". The electrical system that controls my heart had stopped, which is the common thing that happens with me as a result of the "autonomic neuropathy" I've got. I don't remember what all the docs said they had done to try and re-start the pump, I had nasty sunburns on my chest and side from the "paddles". They'd pumped me full of drugs, had people beating on my chest and blowing air into me. I don't remember what machines they said they used.

Because of my disease, and the full expectation that people with what I have _never_ survive an electrical shut down, they wrote me off. I'd been dead so long my brain had gone flat line, no brain activity, no heart activity.

Then it re-started. All on it's own. Once the docs quit messing with it, my heart had re-started, and I remained unconscious for two whole days. Not in a coma, the brain was fine, just unconscious.

I've only had one of those "gray place" experiences. My heart has stopped 11 times in the last 3 years, 3 of those times were a complete shutdown to a blood pressure of 0 over 0. The other 8 were not as bad, my heart never fully quit pumping. I don't know if that "gray place" counts as an "out of body" experience, or what the heck it was. It was not at all what I expected about dying, but it sure gave me a deep appreciation for living. I know now that when it is time for me to be done here, I'll be done. That simple. Like when the sun sets. It goes down, and the day is done. Time to start another day.

Here's a little picture I made that kind of expresses what that feels like to me.

http://www.evanayers.com/Images/Acha/Wallpaper.jpg

Mike

daisies

I wll share mine as well. I have not discussed these with many people as they would think that I was crazy.

When I was making the decision to file for divorce from my AH I went to church. Now, I am not a "regular" at church but go about once a month. The day I went to church I asked my HP to give me a sign that I was doing the right thing by filing for divorce. The sermon that day was about being a good example. This had been my reasoning for filing, etc. I wanted to be that good example for my kids. I wanted them to live in a healthy home , free of the effects of alcoholism.

Well if that wasnt enough of a sign about a month later I again went to church and once again asked my HP for a sign that I was doing the right thing. The subject of the sermon was about listening and believing in the signs that God gives us.

After that I have truly felt "at peace" with my decision.

sketscher

This is such a great thread! I hope more people contribute.

I think if you are aware of it everyday you can see signs of your HP at work. They don't have to be big dramatic events to have meaning or be worthy of sharing. So lets bring em on!

I can give you lots of stories of me working against the trust of my HP. I bet all of us can do that. When you're anxious and worried and try to force things to go "your" way you often find yourself on the wrong path. Whenever I truly let go and let God I am most happy and relaxed.

Well here is just one little story. I been floundering these last few years. Trying to maintain a professional work face while still employed at the same facility as my xabf. I had recently decided that in order for me to really move on and give myself a chance at love with someone else I need to be away from xabf entirely. I wasn't really looking forward to that, starting over somewhere else mainly to escape my ex just seemed a little wrong but I stuck my toes in that water an sent out some resumes this past month. Well yesterday my xabf was fired and I really felt like this was a blessing for both of us. XABF may not think so but God knows what's best.

gns

Thank you!

Dear mike and ICU and everyone thank you for sharing your very beautiful and very personal stories. It is so helpful and inspiring to hear these stories!