Still not gone...(long post sorry)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, washington
Posts: 15
Still not gone...(long post sorry)
I posted a few weeks ago about how my AHBF was abusive and I called the hotlines and the police to see what support I could get to get him removed from the apartment (it's in my name).
I can't do it. I don't know why. Well no that's not true I do know why. I feel like this problem with his drinking started while we were together and so it's partically my fault and so it's part my responsiblity to help him get better. I KNOW that I cannot fix his problem but I don't think I would be helping to kick him out either.
We got into a fight the other night becuse he had drank about a 3rd of a 1.75 bottle of 100 proof vodka and was trashed I knew he was going to go back for more so I hid the bottle (stuipd on my part i know) and he got very mad. He started calling me names which i won't repeat pushed me down the hall grabbed me by my hair...won't go into the rest. When I wouldn't tell him where the bottle was he wouldn't let me go to bed. kept turning on all the lights in the apt. took the blankets and pillows and locked them in a closet threw a glass of water on me when i tried to lay down and just sleep he would come in and yell at me. He broke my glasses which I am legally blind without and threw my cell phone against the wall so that I couldn't call anybody. I lost it at this point it was 1am and i had to be up at 4am for work.
I stood across the room from him and told him he was being physically emotionally and verbally abusive to me and i wasn't going to deal with it anymore. That he needed to leave that i don't deserve to be treated like this over alcohol. He just sat down and started crying saying he didn't know why he was so mad didn't mean to hurt me that he wants help.
His mom has offered to pay for rehab before so he sent her an email asking for help and she denied him Said that he is a strong person and can beat his problems on his own. He cried about this then went and found one of my bottles of wine and drank the entire thing at 11am. He says he loves me and wants to try to stop drinking (but will continue smoking).
He won't go to any meeting. He won't get himself into rehab. He blames me when we get into fights. He won't even look at any info I get him on his problem.
I don't know if I should trust him this time and see if things get better or if i should run as fast as i can the other direction. I love him we have been together for two years. No matter what i decide I have to decide by end of March because i lease is up and i have to move. I just don't know if i should bring him with me or leave him behind... i am really confused right now.
Sorry for the long post i just needed to vent and write all this out and I don't have anybody to really talk to about my problems. All my friends have left me.
Thank you for Listening and Happy Valentines Day to All!
I can't do it. I don't know why. Well no that's not true I do know why. I feel like this problem with his drinking started while we were together and so it's partically my fault and so it's part my responsiblity to help him get better. I KNOW that I cannot fix his problem but I don't think I would be helping to kick him out either.
We got into a fight the other night becuse he had drank about a 3rd of a 1.75 bottle of 100 proof vodka and was trashed I knew he was going to go back for more so I hid the bottle (stuipd on my part i know) and he got very mad. He started calling me names which i won't repeat pushed me down the hall grabbed me by my hair...won't go into the rest. When I wouldn't tell him where the bottle was he wouldn't let me go to bed. kept turning on all the lights in the apt. took the blankets and pillows and locked them in a closet threw a glass of water on me when i tried to lay down and just sleep he would come in and yell at me. He broke my glasses which I am legally blind without and threw my cell phone against the wall so that I couldn't call anybody. I lost it at this point it was 1am and i had to be up at 4am for work.
I stood across the room from him and told him he was being physically emotionally and verbally abusive to me and i wasn't going to deal with it anymore. That he needed to leave that i don't deserve to be treated like this over alcohol. He just sat down and started crying saying he didn't know why he was so mad didn't mean to hurt me that he wants help.
His mom has offered to pay for rehab before so he sent her an email asking for help and she denied him Said that he is a strong person and can beat his problems on his own. He cried about this then went and found one of my bottles of wine and drank the entire thing at 11am. He says he loves me and wants to try to stop drinking (but will continue smoking).
He won't go to any meeting. He won't get himself into rehab. He blames me when we get into fights. He won't even look at any info I get him on his problem.
I don't know if I should trust him this time and see if things get better or if i should run as fast as i can the other direction. I love him we have been together for two years. No matter what i decide I have to decide by end of March because i lease is up and i have to move. I just don't know if i should bring him with me or leave him behind... i am really confused right now.
Sorry for the long post i just needed to vent and write all this out and I don't have anybody to really talk to about my problems. All my friends have left me.
Thank you for Listening and Happy Valentines Day to All!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
Shudi --
I am so sorry you are being treated this way. PLEASE run the other direction! You should never let someone physically or verbally abuse you ... addiction is not an excuse to physically hurt someone. You deserve so much more in life! :ghug3
I am so sorry you are being treated this way. PLEASE run the other direction! You should never let someone physically or verbally abuse you ... addiction is not an excuse to physically hurt someone. You deserve so much more in life! :ghug3
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
In my humble opinion, RUN.
I’m not sure what you mean by confused, or why you think you should trust someone that is violent.
You need to go over your post here and do some hard thinking.
I’m not sure what you mean by confused, or why you think you should trust someone that is violent.
You need to go over your post here and do some hard thinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
Run.........
The advice I have seen on this site is that he needs to seek sobriety. Once he has been sober for at least a year then you will know he is serious about sobriety.
You deserve to be treated with respect, loved, and not live in constant chaos.
Remember Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It is up to you to decide how you want to live your life. Just because you love him does not mean you can solve his problems. Only HE can do that.
The advice I have seen on this site is that he needs to seek sobriety. Once he has been sober for at least a year then you will know he is serious about sobriety.
You deserve to be treated with respect, loved, and not live in constant chaos.
Remember Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It is up to you to decide how you want to live your life. Just because you love him does not mean you can solve his problems. Only HE can do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, washington
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian 
In my humble opinion, RUN.
I’m not sure what you mean by confused, or why you think you should trust someone that is violent.
You need to go over your post here and do some hard thinking.
I’m not sure what you mean by confused, or why you think you should trust someone that is violent.
You need to go over your post here and do some hard thinking.
It's only when he is drinking that he is violent when he doesn't drink he is one of the sweetest guys i have ever met and i Love him so i want to go to protect myself but if i leave him 1. i am losing the man i love 2. i honestly think ti will make things worst 3. he has told me (when drunk) before that he sees the only way to improve his life is to commit suscide. - i don't want that to happen.
Sorry if i am getting defensive I am just scared for me and him..
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Gee he sounds like a well-balanced person, does he not?
It’s going to take at least a year of sobriety for him to start thinking with a clear mind.
You are still very young, run along and in time you will see things a lot differently.
You can not help him or prevent anything he will do.
But on the other hand he seems to be able to control you into staying around.
Is this the type of relationship you saw yourself in?
Have you been to Alanon?
It’s going to take at least a year of sobriety for him to start thinking with a clear mind.
You are still very young, run along and in time you will see things a lot differently.
You can not help him or prevent anything he will do.
But on the other hand he seems to be able to control you into staying around.
Is this the type of relationship you saw yourself in?
Have you been to Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Shudi - if you read some of the posts here you will see every A is the sweetest person in the world when not drinking...
It is typicall it is who they are....
pleae keep posting, reading and learning
you will be amazed at the similarites we all have .. I know I was
At this time in my life, i cannot believe this is my life.
PLEASE, PLEASE, listen read and learn... it is importsnt to YOU that you do
shakarris
It is typicall it is who they are....
pleae keep posting, reading and learning
you will be amazed at the similarites we all have .. I know I was
At this time in my life, i cannot believe this is my life.
PLEASE, PLEASE, listen read and learn... it is importsnt to YOU that you do
shakarris
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Hello from Seattle (Queen Anne) and Happy Valentine's Day!
Here is a listing of Al Anon meetings close to Kent:
Distict 14 Meetings
I like to go to an Al Anon meeting in West Seattle. It is on Saturday mornings at 8:30am.
Saturday
8:30 am
West Seattle Sat. Morning AFG
Child care
Admiral Congregational Church of Christ
(ramp to basement)
4320 S.W. Hill St.
W. Seattle 98116
I know how you feel. I was married last March. I used to live in West Seattle. My husband lost his job last June and progressed extremely in his alcoholism. It took our West Seattle apartment building which had a fabulous view of waterfront being sold because they were going to turn the building into condos this past September for me to find another place to live. We had to be out by the end of September.
I worded it this way to alcoholic husband who was verbally abusive--"If you were my roommate, and you treated it me this way, then I would not want to be roommates with you."
I had thought about trying to find another apartment with my husband, but the verbal abuse was so bad that I found myself gagging (like I was going to throw up) because of the stress from the verbal abuse (I personally wanted to hire an exorcist for my husband--I wanted the devil to leave).
It was a separation. I was living in one place, and he was going to live in another place.
The addiction of alcholism can get worse. He can get worse. My husband totaled his car into a median at the beginning of November (I took him off of my USAA auto policy in October). Luckily, no one was hurt. He woke up in the hospital and now faces his first DUI.
My husband had to hit a lot of rock bottoms before he wanted to make a change. It took a lot for my husband to admit that he was powerless over alcohol and that he needed God.
Take care of yourself first. You are responsible for your own recovery. He is an adult, and he is responsible for his own recovery. I live in Queen Anne now, and I get great sleep now.
Here is a listing of Al Anon meetings close to Kent:
Distict 14 Meetings
I like to go to an Al Anon meeting in West Seattle. It is on Saturday mornings at 8:30am.
Saturday
8:30 am
West Seattle Sat. Morning AFG
Child care
Admiral Congregational Church of Christ
(ramp to basement)
4320 S.W. Hill St.
W. Seattle 98116
I know how you feel. I was married last March. I used to live in West Seattle. My husband lost his job last June and progressed extremely in his alcoholism. It took our West Seattle apartment building which had a fabulous view of waterfront being sold because they were going to turn the building into condos this past September for me to find another place to live. We had to be out by the end of September.
I worded it this way to alcoholic husband who was verbally abusive--"If you were my roommate, and you treated it me this way, then I would not want to be roommates with you."
I had thought about trying to find another apartment with my husband, but the verbal abuse was so bad that I found myself gagging (like I was going to throw up) because of the stress from the verbal abuse (I personally wanted to hire an exorcist for my husband--I wanted the devil to leave).
It was a separation. I was living in one place, and he was going to live in another place.
The addiction of alcholism can get worse. He can get worse. My husband totaled his car into a median at the beginning of November (I took him off of my USAA auto policy in October). Luckily, no one was hurt. He woke up in the hospital and now faces his first DUI.
My husband had to hit a lot of rock bottoms before he wanted to make a change. It took a lot for my husband to admit that he was powerless over alcohol and that he needed God.
Take care of yourself first. You are responsible for your own recovery. He is an adult, and he is responsible for his own recovery. I live in Queen Anne now, and I get great sleep now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My husband is also a sweet person. We have a bear collection. My husband has a great parents and a great brother. I really love his family. Alcholism has affected all of us. We now have to abstain from drinking around him now that he is in recovery. My husband is now in a safe place, and I am now in a safe place. I am really thankful to God.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm...
You have overcome your past ...Super!
You have personal knowledge about addictions.
Sooo...
Why would you choose to live with a very violent man?
Why would you choose to stay with an alcoholic
who also uses drugs?
Where has the past 2 years of your love been beneficial
to either of you?
I sure hope you are using birth control.
You have overcome your past ...Super!
You have personal knowledge about addictions.
Sooo...
Why would you choose to live with a very violent man?
Why would you choose to stay with an alcoholic
who also uses drugs?
Where has the past 2 years of your love been beneficial
to either of you?
I sure hope you are using birth control.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
I KNOW that I cannot fix his problem but I don't think I would be helping to kick him out either.
No one should tolerate violence, whether it's coming from a drunk or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
Hi Shudi,
Thanks so much for posting and my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. My AH did the whole drunken emotional and physical abuse thing to me on January 2nd. The date is etched into my head and I am still coming to terms with the things that were said and done.
In my case, there are 3 children involved and 17 years of marriage (we've been together 22 years) and although the abuse is something new, his addiction certainly is not.
Please look after yourself and think long and hard about what the future might hold for you. It is a progressive disease. This does not get better without him proving by actions (not by words) that he wants to change.
Thanks so much for posting and my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. My AH did the whole drunken emotional and physical abuse thing to me on January 2nd. The date is etched into my head and I am still coming to terms with the things that were said and done.
In my case, there are 3 children involved and 17 years of marriage (we've been together 22 years) and although the abuse is something new, his addiction certainly is not.
Please look after yourself and think long and hard about what the future might hold for you. It is a progressive disease. This does not get better without him proving by actions (not by words) that he wants to change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You really need to figure out just why you think you deserve to be treated like crap and why you love someone who thinks its ok to treat you that way.
Personally, I know that someone who abuses me is not worthy of my love. I know that living with someone who thinks its ok to abuse me is not something I am willing to do because I know I don't deserve such treatment. I know being drunk is no excuse for abusive behavior. I know that someone who refuses to deal with their alcoholism is not someone I want in my life. I know that an alcoholic is an expert manipulator to get what he needs to continue his choice to drink. I konw that someone who loves me would not abuse or use me in anyway whatsoever.
Have you tried individual therapy to explore why you think being treated like crap is OK with you?
Personally, I know that someone who abuses me is not worthy of my love. I know that living with someone who thinks its ok to abuse me is not something I am willing to do because I know I don't deserve such treatment. I know being drunk is no excuse for abusive behavior. I know that someone who refuses to deal with their alcoholism is not someone I want in my life. I know that an alcoholic is an expert manipulator to get what he needs to continue his choice to drink. I konw that someone who loves me would not abuse or use me in anyway whatsoever.
Have you tried individual therapy to explore why you think being treated like crap is OK with you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: smalltown, MS
Posts: 40
with me...it was recognizing and accepting that I was being treated like crap. my best friend tried to tell me and I'm not really sure why I couldn't see it. couldn't, wouldn't??? nature of the "illness" maybe? I don't know. I do know that loving someone doesn't mean I have to let them treat me badly. It's not good for me OR THEM. take care of yourself..
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I feel like this problem with his drinking started while we were together and so it's partically my fault and so it's part my responsiblity
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
This is the 3'c that we all try and live by here.
Kicking him out and leaving him just might be the 'wake up call' that gets him to start accepting responsibility for HIS PROBLEM.
Like the others I will say RUN, RUN, RUN. The violence is going to escalate!
Please find some Alanon meetings to attend for YOU.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!!!!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Obviously, I think you should leave/kick him out. You are suffering from physical and emotional abuse. You don't want to kick him out..you think it isn't helping..your right...with addiction.....things have to get much worse before they get better. Protecting yourself, by any means necessary, is helping...It helps him and it helps you.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Things WILL get worse whether you are there or not. Have you thought about moving out? Even if it is your place. You need immediate help. Can you move in with a friend? Maybe you need to leave. You have choices.
How are you "helping" him by allowing him to have a human punching bag? How are you helping him by maintaining a sick environment? Your enabling is toxic to him! Did you ever think of that? Your inability to help yourself is helping him stay sick.
If you are trully determined to stay and not kick him out....then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start going to alanon meetings every chance you get. Even if you do kick him out...you need alanon meetings anyway...so that you do not repeat the same mistakes.
Alcoholics go to AA meetings.
Codependents or "enablers" go to alanon.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Things WILL get worse whether you are there or not. Have you thought about moving out? Even if it is your place. You need immediate help. Can you move in with a friend? Maybe you need to leave. You have choices.
How are you "helping" him by allowing him to have a human punching bag? How are you helping him by maintaining a sick environment? Your enabling is toxic to him! Did you ever think of that? Your inability to help yourself is helping him stay sick.
If you are trully determined to stay and not kick him out....then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start going to alanon meetings every chance you get. Even if you do kick him out...you need alanon meetings anyway...so that you do not repeat the same mistakes.
Alcoholics go to AA meetings.
Codependents or "enablers" go to alanon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Shudi 85...I am so sorry you are going through any of this...
This may not help you, but here is an example from my recent past that I look upon now as an absolute example of my messed-up, codie-ness that I was blind to during my relationship with the first and greatest Love of my Life, my now-exabf; a convincing factor that I needed to get a hold of who I am before I can be in a healthy relationship with another worthy person: After I was drugged and raped by a friend-of-a-friend, I was more concerned with how my exabf would react to my telling him this news than I was about anything else. Once I told him two days later, he freaked out, paced back and forth, didn't offer condolences or touch me (I just wanted to be held...) and drank himself into a stupor, muttering things like, "You didn't want it, did you?" and "What am I supposed to do with a gf that has been raped?"
Despite that absurd sh*t, I went to lie beside him in his bed once he decided to pass out. He snored all night; I couldn't sleep...I got up and went to work the next day, feeling numb, dirty, like h*ll, as you can imagine if such an atrocity had just happened to you.
He didn't call me for a whole day. We had been together for two years, and he didn't even have the respect to call to see how I was doing...the pain I felt was beyond any I have ever felt, far worse than being raped.
I finally called him, yelled at him for being so selfish and then hung up. He drove to my apartment and was all apologetic after that...and so I forgave him.
Looking back, had I any sense at the time, I would NEVER, EVER have allowed such a selfish person into my life. He was more concerned with figuring out how this event figured into HIS life rather than the absolute horror that I may have been going through at the time, seeing as how it was a horrific event that happened to ME.
Now, Shudi 85, I ask you honestly: who is looking out for YOU right now? Yes, people deserve second chances…but more than that…? I am uncertain. Please look beyond the next five minutes of your life, look beyond the enveloping warmth of his embrace, look beyond what you think you need right now…and see what IS for what it IS, as I could not at that point in my short life.
I know that you love him, and that he loves you, but I pray that you know the difference between selfish love, personal need and TRUE, BEAUTIFUL, UNSELFISH LOVE...he pulled your hair, called you names, threw water on you! My guess is that you haven't told anyone close to you that he did these things to you, am I right? It took me a long time to disclose the above information about the Love of my Life to anyone close to me, as I knew deep down, that it was rather shameful on my part to give myself to someone so selfish (due to his alcoholism, something I was in denial of at the time). I hope in your case that you will quickly realize that you deserve someone who gives you the love that you give them, and that love is something that is sacred and unconditional, so long as the one who claims to love you is honest and unselfish...
This may not help you, but here is an example from my recent past that I look upon now as an absolute example of my messed-up, codie-ness that I was blind to during my relationship with the first and greatest Love of my Life, my now-exabf; a convincing factor that I needed to get a hold of who I am before I can be in a healthy relationship with another worthy person: After I was drugged and raped by a friend-of-a-friend, I was more concerned with how my exabf would react to my telling him this news than I was about anything else. Once I told him two days later, he freaked out, paced back and forth, didn't offer condolences or touch me (I just wanted to be held...) and drank himself into a stupor, muttering things like, "You didn't want it, did you?" and "What am I supposed to do with a gf that has been raped?"
Despite that absurd sh*t, I went to lie beside him in his bed once he decided to pass out. He snored all night; I couldn't sleep...I got up and went to work the next day, feeling numb, dirty, like h*ll, as you can imagine if such an atrocity had just happened to you.
He didn't call me for a whole day. We had been together for two years, and he didn't even have the respect to call to see how I was doing...the pain I felt was beyond any I have ever felt, far worse than being raped.
I finally called him, yelled at him for being so selfish and then hung up. He drove to my apartment and was all apologetic after that...and so I forgave him.
Looking back, had I any sense at the time, I would NEVER, EVER have allowed such a selfish person into my life. He was more concerned with figuring out how this event figured into HIS life rather than the absolute horror that I may have been going through at the time, seeing as how it was a horrific event that happened to ME.
Now, Shudi 85, I ask you honestly: who is looking out for YOU right now? Yes, people deserve second chances…but more than that…? I am uncertain. Please look beyond the next five minutes of your life, look beyond the enveloping warmth of his embrace, look beyond what you think you need right now…and see what IS for what it IS, as I could not at that point in my short life.
I know that you love him, and that he loves you, but I pray that you know the difference between selfish love, personal need and TRUE, BEAUTIFUL, UNSELFISH LOVE...he pulled your hair, called you names, threw water on you! My guess is that you haven't told anyone close to you that he did these things to you, am I right? It took me a long time to disclose the above information about the Love of my Life to anyone close to me, as I knew deep down, that it was rather shameful on my part to give myself to someone so selfish (due to his alcoholism, something I was in denial of at the time). I hope in your case that you will quickly realize that you deserve someone who gives you the love that you give them, and that love is something that is sacred and unconditional, so long as the one who claims to love you is honest and unselfish...
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