I am stumped and stupid.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6
I am stumped and stupid.
Um. Well I really need some advise and have no one to talk to.. i would really appriciate your advise.
I am 26 a mother of 2 and was seperated from my husband for almost 4 years. He is a crack cocaine addict as well as a alcholic, leading up to the seperation things got just about as bad as they can get. Because of my own history with living with addict parents I took the kids and moved to another province. I did try everything to help, rehab, meetings etc. but it he wasnt ready for change but i was.
So I picked up moved away, went to school and took care of our kids. He ended up doing time in prision and I was resentful of his actions. I have no family as I was raised in foster care due to my own parents drug use.
Anyways, up until about 6 moths ago I had little contact with him, except for occasional letters and phone calls. So he contacts me a while ago and we taklk.
He completed programs and was doing great. He was a different person, and wanted to see the kids as did his family. When I came out he was the best husband you could ask for, kind, understanding..all of the abouve.
Until we ended up moving here and into our new place... drinking began, no drug use as of yet, but all of the same behaviour. He is very disrespectful, threatens me with violence and hangs around active addicts. (No judgement, just saying how thats not great for someone in active recovery). He is also up to be deported. I feel trapped. I have no friends here, dont know the city, have no money..and the kids are so happy because they dont see how bad he is.
I dont know what to do, I cant belive how he lied to me, to us. And he tells me he doesnt care. He took my daughters allowance (borrowed) yeah right... and went out drinking.
As a good person I dont want to get him in trouble, I'm afraid and dont know what to do.
I am smart, attractive and kind..i dont deserve this..but now im in it. i am so tired. i dont know what to do.
Hes not the type to just "break up with"...I dont know what to do that will have minimal affect on the kids, they already had a big move...
I am 26 a mother of 2 and was seperated from my husband for almost 4 years. He is a crack cocaine addict as well as a alcholic, leading up to the seperation things got just about as bad as they can get. Because of my own history with living with addict parents I took the kids and moved to another province. I did try everything to help, rehab, meetings etc. but it he wasnt ready for change but i was.
So I picked up moved away, went to school and took care of our kids. He ended up doing time in prision and I was resentful of his actions. I have no family as I was raised in foster care due to my own parents drug use.
Anyways, up until about 6 moths ago I had little contact with him, except for occasional letters and phone calls. So he contacts me a while ago and we taklk.
He completed programs and was doing great. He was a different person, and wanted to see the kids as did his family. When I came out he was the best husband you could ask for, kind, understanding..all of the abouve.
Until we ended up moving here and into our new place... drinking began, no drug use as of yet, but all of the same behaviour. He is very disrespectful, threatens me with violence and hangs around active addicts. (No judgement, just saying how thats not great for someone in active recovery). He is also up to be deported. I feel trapped. I have no friends here, dont know the city, have no money..and the kids are so happy because they dont see how bad he is.
I dont know what to do, I cant belive how he lied to me, to us. And he tells me he doesnt care. He took my daughters allowance (borrowed) yeah right... and went out drinking.
As a good person I dont want to get him in trouble, I'm afraid and dont know what to do.
I am smart, attractive and kind..i dont deserve this..but now im in it. i am so tired. i dont know what to do.
Hes not the type to just "break up with"...I dont know what to do that will have minimal affect on the kids, they already had a big move...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Stress)))
Honey, you're NOT stupid. People Do change, and you believed he had. Unfortunately, it seems he's back to his old ways.
I don't have great words of advice, but many will be along soon with their ES&H (experience, strength and hope). Just wanted to say welcome to SR! There are some wonderful people here and many have been in pretty much the same place you are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Honey, you're NOT stupid. People Do change, and you believed he had. Unfortunately, it seems he's back to his old ways.
I don't have great words of advice, but many will be along soon with their ES&H (experience, strength and hope). Just wanted to say welcome to SR! There are some wonderful people here and many have been in pretty much the same place you are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for your reply! I just wonder why i put myself in this position, i feel guilty because of my kids. They are the innocent ones.. and we've been fighting to keep him in this country- so much energy and hes throwing us away again. I made a huge mistake..I feel like a bad mom.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I don't think you're a bad mom, either. Let's face it...kids don't come with instruction mauals and if they did, they probably wouldn't cover how to deal with an addict/alcoholic!
It happens to the best of us...we get in a bad situation. It's what we do when we realize it that makes the difference.
I'm a recovering crack addict AND a huge codie, who left her boyfriend behind since he's still using. I've made a ton of mistakes and am dealing with a lot of consequences. The thing I focus on NOW is to not make any more mistakes that I will have to deal with those consequences later!
If you read other posts here, you will see several versions of your story, written by others. Recovery from my addiction has been easier than recovery from my codie behaviours. We start out with baby steps, get a little confidence back in ourself, and keep going. There are bumps in the road, sometimes we take a detour, but as long as we focus on us (and the kids, in your case), we find our way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It happens to the best of us...we get in a bad situation. It's what we do when we realize it that makes the difference.
I'm a recovering crack addict AND a huge codie, who left her boyfriend behind since he's still using. I've made a ton of mistakes and am dealing with a lot of consequences. The thing I focus on NOW is to not make any more mistakes that I will have to deal with those consequences later!
If you read other posts here, you will see several versions of your story, written by others. Recovery from my addiction has been easier than recovery from my codie behaviours. We start out with baby steps, get a little confidence back in ourself, and keep going. There are bumps in the road, sometimes we take a detour, but as long as we focus on us (and the kids, in your case), we find our way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi,
Sorry you are in so much pain. Please don't put yourself down. We have all stayed in situations we thought would get better but didn't.
My sister left her alcoholic drug addicted husband with her two babies. It was hard and took a very long time, but it was best for her and the kids in the long run. He was a terrible father and the more they were away the better it was. The father evenutally OD'd.
All you can do is make the best decisions based on what you know at the time. It will get better and you are not pathetic, weak, or dumb!!!
Sorry you are in so much pain. Please don't put yourself down. We have all stayed in situations we thought would get better but didn't.
My sister left her alcoholic drug addicted husband with her two babies. It was hard and took a very long time, but it was best for her and the kids in the long run. He was a terrible father and the more they were away the better it was. The father evenutally OD'd.
All you can do is make the best decisions based on what you know at the time. It will get better and you are not pathetic, weak, or dumb!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
You are not a bad mom- please don't be so hard on yourself. When I read the beginning of your post I was really impressed- you did a lot to get yourself and your kids out of a bad situation. You have a lot of strength. You are not stupid either. We all want to believe our loved ones are going to do the right things. Some addicts do- some don't. You say you're tired. Gather your strength and do what you know is right for you and your children. Threats of physical violence would be a deal breaker for me. Take care- and keep coming back- I have gotten so much strength from these wonderful people.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
tired, I hear yah! this disease sucks you dry. I also know what it lis like to not have a support sysytem near by.
I see that you are in Canada and I am not sure what resources they have there...but in the States there a women's shelters that you can go to to get out of an abusive situation.
Maybe you could do some part time work on the side and stash away some money until you are able to leave.?? Money he doesn't need to know about.
Al-anon is also a great place to get support.
If you cannot leave right now. Try to educate yourself about the disease. It has made a world of difference in my daily interactions with my AH. Marriage on the Rocks is a great easy read. It really helped me start in my recovery.
I now understand the roll that I play in all of this.
As for him lying....yes that is what he is going to do. It is part of this craziness.
a quote from the book goes something like this..."You can't expect a drunk to not act like a drunk"
(((hugs))) keep posting we understand
I see that you are in Canada and I am not sure what resources they have there...but in the States there a women's shelters that you can go to to get out of an abusive situation.
Maybe you could do some part time work on the side and stash away some money until you are able to leave.?? Money he doesn't need to know about.
Al-anon is also a great place to get support.
If you cannot leave right now. Try to educate yourself about the disease. It has made a world of difference in my daily interactions with my AH. Marriage on the Rocks is a great easy read. It really helped me start in my recovery.
I now understand the roll that I play in all of this.
As for him lying....yes that is what he is going to do. It is part of this craziness.
a quote from the book goes something like this..."You can't expect a drunk to not act like a drunk"
(((hugs))) keep posting we understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6
Thanks for your support guys- I took the kids out for a walk and kinda escaped the "hole" or apartment as it is otherwise known..lol. I know what I have to do- stop it before it gets worse. I am going to gather my thoughts and get it together!!!! The thing is i dont even feel sorry for him- because he has so much and so many people have done things for him and he doesnt appriciate it, that makes me sick. Especially since coming from a childhood where mine was based on survival...his family is amazing. I just dont get it. Hes self absorbed, selfish, mean, arrogant, disrespectful. wow a real charmer eh- i gotta stop "hoping", he is who he is and i dont want someone like that it my life.
he told me the other day that i caused him to drink because i didnt fold his pants properly...and he hasnt come home since.
I must be kidding myself. I just realized that i just dont like him.
He doesnt feel sorry for us when he leaves us with no money, no car..we live in ontario- its blizzard season...
So why it the guilt of me being a bad person keeping me here? I dont get myself..im messed up in the head.
omg im ranting.
he told me the other day that i caused him to drink because i didnt fold his pants properly...and he hasnt come home since.
I must be kidding myself. I just realized that i just dont like him.
He doesnt feel sorry for us when he leaves us with no money, no car..we live in ontario- its blizzard season...
So why it the guilt of me being a bad person keeping me here? I dont get myself..im messed up in the head.
omg im ranting.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by stresssomuch 
he told me the other day that i caused him to drink because i didnt fold his pants properly...and he hasnt come home since.
All the people helpng him...may actually be hurting him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by stresssomuch
he told me the other day that i caused him to drink because i didnt fold his pants properly...and he hasnt come home since.
Protect yourself and your kids! You've been separated and did well without him. Become separated again and you will continue to do well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: east coast
Posts: 30
stress,
Don't beat yourself up. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You sound like a great mom who is worried about what is best for her kids. Be good to yourself and worry about what is best for you. Our thoughts and support are with you always!!
And keep coming back here!!!
Don't beat yourself up. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You sound like a great mom who is worried about what is best for her kids. Be good to yourself and worry about what is best for you. Our thoughts and support are with you always!!
And keep coming back here!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by stresssomuch
I dont know what to do that will have minimal affect on the kids...
What a shame. You had made so much progress carving a new and healthier way of life for yourself and your children. But you could do that again. You've already proved that you are capable.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
One of the first steps in my recovery was to stop belittling myself. If I call myself stupid, others will do the same. People learn how to treat me from the example I set.
I think you know what to do but you're hesitating because the solution will cause you and your children some temporary discomfort. I'll take temporary discomfort any day if it leads me to the life I deserve.
I dont know what to do, I cant belive how he lied to me, to us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6
Thank you so much! I really appriciate all your advise! I will keep yall posted on our progress- i have a lot of thinking and planning to do!!!!
I think i need to learn more about self sabotage- i really think thats what i did...
I think i need to learn more about self sabotage- i really think thats what i did...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Glad you are here...........you are NOT stupid,etc. You have been taking care of your kids and yourself and here you are looking for ways to do that even better. Far from stupid!
Much of what you said sounds soooooooo familiar,too. Sorry to laugh,but I DID get a chuckle about the pants;sounds about what my exAH said for his "reason" to walk out after 27y/2 kids. (In the state I was in and the WAY he said it,craziest part is I started to BELIEVE it,or equally inane thaings! haha I got here and found that was SOP for an active A. Same with the charm,selfishness,etc.,etc. that you also mentioned).
I did not understand how my self-talk and self-esteem had dropped so low (without me even noticing!) until I got to SR and other places,read,etc. One resource I found particularly helpful is the "Getting Them Sober" books (Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications). They stress the importance of doing something nice for myself at least 15 minutes everyday...without feeling "guilty"...and just for me. Not doing something nice for the kids,etc. Putting myself on my own priority list. That felt selfish to me at that time (possibly because I was told by the A so often it was,that I started to believe it!).
Hope you stick around. Glad you are here!
Much of what you said sounds soooooooo familiar,too. Sorry to laugh,but I DID get a chuckle about the pants;sounds about what my exAH said for his "reason" to walk out after 27y/2 kids. (In the state I was in and the WAY he said it,craziest part is I started to BELIEVE it,or equally inane thaings! haha I got here and found that was SOP for an active A. Same with the charm,selfishness,etc.,etc. that you also mentioned).
I did not understand how my self-talk and self-esteem had dropped so low (without me even noticing!) until I got to SR and other places,read,etc. One resource I found particularly helpful is the "Getting Them Sober" books (Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications). They stress the importance of doing something nice for myself at least 15 minutes everyday...without feeling "guilty"...and just for me. Not doing something nice for the kids,etc. Putting myself on my own priority list. That felt selfish to me at that time (possibly because I was told by the A so often it was,that I started to believe it!).
Hope you stick around. Glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6
I havent been writing on this forum for a little while now- but i just wanted to let you guys know that i have decided to leave- i am going back to the town i was living before this hellhole and am currently planning "the big escape". i have money hidden away and he doesnt know- i cant help but feel a little guilty but you know what- he doesnt feel quilty about what he is doing or has done to us/ ive had it and feel nothing for him except a lot of anger. he is going on binges all the time now and leaves us with no food. i figure i was struggling as a single mom but i was working, and i was happy. he has no right to treat us this way and i cant wait to get my ass out of here. god willing i will be safe and in the clear very soon. i am scared and nervous but he does nothing for us but bring us down. i have my old job offered to me when i go back and the way i see it its better for the kids to have no father in their lives than having a lying, abusive, crack addict in the house. i am better than this..i belive we all are.
and i wanted to say thank you to you guys for your words of support i have been extremely isolated since i moved here and even though i dont know you all personally i appriciate your advice from that time, i cant wait to be wiith my old friends in my old town- i will never ever EVER put a man before friendship and support again!! Without friends men can totally break your spirit and i cant wait to get mine back!
I am scared to do the big move but i know its best for us in the long run.
Screw him.
and i wanted to say thank you to you guys for your words of support i have been extremely isolated since i moved here and even though i dont know you all personally i appriciate your advice from that time, i cant wait to be wiith my old friends in my old town- i will never ever EVER put a man before friendship and support again!! Without friends men can totally break your spirit and i cant wait to get mine back!
I am scared to do the big move but i know its best for us in the long run.
Screw him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
You are very brave.
I'll say prayers of strength and safety for you and your kids.
I hope you can stay connected to this forum. There is so much understanding here. So many people have walked through what you face or things so similar. Hang in there.
I'll say prayers of strength and safety for you and your kids.
I hope you can stay connected to this forum. There is so much understanding here. So many people have walked through what you face or things so similar. Hang in there.
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