TDinATL

I'm trying to decide now if like this board or dislike it... I have found some great information on here that has opened my eyes to a lot but on the other hand, I've found a lot of information on here that has opened my eyes a lot!

I thought for a long time that I was the crazy one, the unrealistic one, the controlling one - but I don't feel that way any longer. Here are a couple quotes from some recent email my wife sent me.

"My drinking is only social drinking. I did not over drink on Wednesday. You know I didn't. Those couple of beers did not mess with my judgment in the least. By the way it's not that I need to drink and you know it. A lot of people have a couple of drinks when hanging out with friends or at a party. That doesn't mean they are alcoholics. And it doesn't mean I am. You can't trust me to go out and have a couple of drinks and trust I am not going to do anything the way I have in the past. I have admitted to having a problem in the past. But, you know I do not now."

AND

"I do not have an addiction to alcohol. I know you think I do but, I don't. Having one or two beers at bowling is not an addiction. "

Do these statements sound familiar to anyone???

I almost felt better when I thought it was just a choice or that she had control over it. I know she loves me so if it was just a choice, she could choose NOT to drink - right? But knowing that it's not a choice means that until she identifies it as a problem there is not hope of anything being different.

I'm glad I'm not the only fool on here (no offense to anyone) that still believes in my wife, that she is different, that love will prevail, the she'll see the truth. Part of me wishes I didn't still believe, a big part of me.

If my wife was a mean and nasty person it would be easier to let her go, but she isn't - she is a loving, sensitive, caring person, until you add alcohol. I miss my wife like crazy.

I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say as I figure this out... thanks for listening to me.

sojourner

yes, the statements made in the e-mail are very common.


Why do you have to physically leave your wife??? There are other ways to detach if you feel the situation in the home has not come to the point where physical separation is necessary (safety, etc). Detachment is about emotionally detaching from your loved one - not only as a way for you to find mental health and happiness (whether the addict is still using or not) but also as a way of helping your loved one carry their problem and so get to a point of identifying it as theirs...

any comment?


I'm editing this because I mis-understood your post to say you thought you had to physically leave your wife...sorry

Keep coming back - many of us have found peace and serenity in these posts, Alanon/Naranon meetings, books on the subject...

TDinATL

I don't feel the need to physically detach from her, I've even made the offer that if she'd seek help I'd "walk through the fires of hell" by her side - I just told her I wouldn't go through the fire and let her stand on the sides watching.

Last time we got into it about her drinking (last Wednesday) she got very aggressive and defensive. She was literally in my face shouting at me and I lost my temper with her, grabbed her and pushed her down on the couch. I'm not justifying what I did but in 10 years of her drinking I've never, ever laid a hand on her. I just finally lost it last week.

So, she moved out of the house that night, she said I was physically abusive of her and she wouldn't put herself in that situation any longer.

I'd welcome the opportunity to work things out with her, but she is still strongly set that I am the problem so she's moving out.

laurie6781

This is the RIVER OF DENILE. I too was on that river for a long time (almost 24 years, 22 of it alcoholically, lol) I heard it said many times in meetings in my early years:

Alcoholism is the only disease that will tell you, you do not have it.

Boy is that the truth.

Your wife may have a long way to go yet, before King Alcohol brings her to her knees.

You can do nothing about her problem. However, you can work on you................Alanon is a great way to do that. Helps you to learn how to set Boundaries and keep those boundaries. Helps you to learn how to Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say.

By setting Boundaries, and the consequences if she crosses those boundaries, you will be growing and changing also. Just remember, when boundaries and consequences are set, you also have to be ready to 'follow through.' Alanon will help. Counseling will help. Coming here will help.

It is unfortunate, however, when a person is addicted, even though they 'think' they are hurting no one but themselves, they hurt many other people.

You have to decide when "Enough is Enough."

Until then, you don't have to leave if you don't want to at this time.

Plese keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so much!

Love and hugs,

hope2bhappy

Without knowing more about your history, I don't know if your wife is an alcoholic, or not. Is it 2 beers on bowling night, or actually 12? I don't think that an alcoholic is capable of monitoring the amount they drink, so (to me) 2 beers does not make an alcoholic and sounds very regulated. For me, it was much clearer... not just a couple of beers, but entire cases of beer and gallons of vodka.

Her refusal to stop having "a couple of drinks" with friends may just be her exercising her right of free will.

But none of this matters. What matters is how her drinking affects you. She may not be an actual alcoholic, but you have a problem with her drinking anything in any amount... therefore, there is a drinking problem in your relationship.

Zak68

My AW says the same things...

"I know my limits and you can't tell me how much is too much"

The problem is the alcohol devil on her shoulder tells her I am to blame and to just drink if she wants to. The thing I realized is I needed to set my limits and you need to find yours as well. Let her know you care but as long as she is drinking she is not the person you care about. Let her know who she becomes when she drinks and let her decide if she wants to be the sober wife or the alcoholic one. Draw your line in the sand, be firm and realize if you budge a little they will take full advantage.

Shivaya

Hi TDin ATL,

Sorry for your pain. My AH and I have had the following conversations over and over:

How many beers? How many shots of vodka? How many nights a week? How many nights a month? How many times have you passed out? How many times have you blacked out?

What I've learned is that numbers don't matter (in my case), because just ONE night out of ONE year of witnessing your spouse in a drunken state where he can't walk, or talk, or blacks out, and urinates on the floor, or drops drinks on the floor, IS ENOUGH.

I am at the point now, that my AH's drinking is unacceptable to me, no matter if it's 1 beer or 20 beers. I do not like him when he is under the influence, I've told him this.

We can argue until we are old and gray, but the fact is that if I am doing something my husband does not like, and he asks me to stop, I will stop. Period.

If they don't have a problem, they why not just stop the drinking?

Just my thoughts.

Good luck to you,

Shivaya

TDinATL

I wrote my wife a long letter last night, 5 pages I think, the first 2 pages told her that I loved her deeply and how much she meant to me in every way. The last 2-3 pages explained what I've felt over the last 10 years with her drinking.

Shivaya, I'm glad you shared that it's to the point with you that just 1 night is too many, that's the point I'm at now. However, from her perspective that's just me being "untrusting" of her. Since I don't want her to go out and have a couple drinks it means I don't trust her. I trust my wife 110%, but when she's drinking she's not the same person - that's the person I don't trust.

TDinATL

Hope2B,

That's just it with my wife, it might only be 1-2 beers on bowling night this week or possibly even next week. I'm not sure, I know she acts like she's had more than 2 beers. But there always ends up being a time when it's 15. My first year at my new job she passed out in the bathroom at my boss's house at the Christmas party, a few months later she got drunk and called my boss and told him off, then she got drunk and made a pass at my friend (2 friends or 2 separate occasions, that I know of), and then we went to this year's Christmas party and she drank so much she passed out in our bathroom vomiting - fortunately the party was right next door so she was able to stumble home.

That's the part that is confusing to me. She might not drink for 2 weeks, then she might have only a couple, but she'll always end up having too many eventually. Not that it matters but we're both 36, it's not like we're college party kids.

I did post my "whole story" in the newcomers forum. If anyone wants to take a look that might fill in some blanks, I'm open to any input I can get.

denny57

All that matters is it is a problem for the non-drinker. Think about it - how many people are driven to alcoholism sites if there isn't a problem?

hope2bhappy

This is a much clearer picture. Sorry, I did not read your post in Newcomers.

If her drinking affects her behavior in such a socially unacceptable way, and she still continues to drink (in any amount), then she is no doubt an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an illness that destroys one's ability to reason and think logically.

You've probably read enough of the posts here to see that there is nothing you can do to stop her from drinking. We simply don't have the power to control other people. But we do have the power to control ourselves and our own lives, and that is what you need to focus on. Be sure to educate yourself by reading through the posts and the stickies at the top. Try attending some Alanon meetings, where you will find others who are in your same situation.

Rella927

Anvil you inspire me with your words!

TD I too am sorry for your pain that you are going through!

I'm moving along a path now that is for myself- The quotes you mention above sound so similiar to my XABF! Also mine was a very loving, caring man but when he drank he was a "monster". He had the choice and many chances to change and stop drinking. He did not ...so I needed to make the choice for myself to get out of the chaos-I had to detach with love...it took me a long time to figure how & just what detachment was and how to do it with love...
I was also the problem because I was trying to fix him and stop him...

I'm blessed today that I can say that I no longer have anger towards him and knowing that he is still drinking I can only pray that someday that he makes the choice for himself to get clean and for his child.

I will always love him but, I cannot allow myself to spin on that merry go round any longer waiting to see when and if he takes his next drink ...and what he will do.

Good Luck to you...be gentle with yourself

Chrysalis

It took me over 10 years to believe, not because I wasn't smart enough to see it but because there are stages in ones life that serve a purpose. During those years of disbelief/denial I was developing different aspects of my personality/character. Perhaps I was growing more independant/codependent or stronger or just learning about myself. In my case, being an adult didn't exactly mean my character was fully developed. I am not sure I am fully developed yet but I think that my life has been a path of development. My path just happened to include my AH as part of my development. I know that today I am not the same person I was 15 years ago and I expect not to be the same person I am in 15yrs. For every reason there is a season.

Shivaya

Okay guys.......I'm sure this has been said here before, and I know that we all know this but.................. read the above quote..................what if this person were acting this way because they ate some shellfish, which they found out later they were allergic to? I bet that person would stop eating shellfish (okay, I know shellfish wouldn't make a person tell people off, or flirt, but just hear me out).

Okay, I know it's alcohol, I know it's an addiction, a disease. If I drink/eat something that makes me sick, I don't drink/eat it again.

I know I'm rambling here...............I'm frustrated!!!! Can't wait for Alanon mtg. tomorrow! Time to do some more work on ME!

SirCharles

That's pretty much what my AH tells me after a couple months of no alcohol. I need to relax and one drink will do it. I Promise!!

hmmm, how often have I heard that "I Promise"? More times than I can count on all my toes and fingers! Each time starts out ok, just a couple drinks at night but within a few days it is completely out of hand and then he gets so sick, uncontrollable shakes, can't go to work, etc. And then he has the nerve to ask me to call his boss. I don't think so!! I do admit to doing that once but not anymore. So sir! Tell him if he chooses to drink, then he can choose to call his boss, I'm not lying for him. Then I get grief because I'm not supportive. Too bad is all I have to say. You chose to drink, then you chose to suffer the consequences. Course that doesn't go over well with him either, but now most of his gripping at me afterwards I ignore but it still hurts and I still cry. Was so hoping this time around he had quit for good.............

FormerDoormat

I have mixed feelings on the concept of detaching. If I have to detach myself from my alcoholic loved one in order to live with him peacefully, then I'm still settling for less than I deserve.

I settled for far less than I deserved for 25 years. Today I'd much rather go it alone than to settle for a partner who zones out daily with their drug of choice. That's not my idea of a partnership. I found life with an alcoholic to be a lonely existence and a one-way ticket to misery.

I used to think the same way. In fact, I walked that walk, and it WAS like walking through the fires of hell. My alcoholic drank himself to death 8 months ago. I wouldn't recommend that you follow in my footsteps.

shakarris

I have to agree FD, when I first came here I started to learn about detaching so that I could live my life and still be here but the more his drinking progresses .. I cannot even remember a day that my STBXA was not passed out by 630 pm.... it is a lonely life .. cannot wait to get out on my own and live my life for me.

shakarris

hope2bhappy

You are absolutely right... it is a lonely life, and I don't recommend it for anyone. But I eventually found a way to live my life inspite of my partner being passed out by 6:30 p.m. While I was waiting for the sign -- the final straw that would tell me I'd finally had enough -- I simply (and most of the time happily) carried on. I think I must be one of those people that can take or leave marriage. Yes, I was bothered by my husband being unconscious so much of the time, but he didn't define me in the relationship. I was, and still am, my own person. I have many interests and outlets outside of the partnership of marriage. Perhaps this is how I survived. I had my interests and he had the bottle. Leaving him to his own devices eventually paid off -- for both of us. Today, I still have my interests and now he has AA.

He's a wonderful person, and I have no regrets.

nowinsituation

That actually does happen to me when I eat shellfish (vomiting -- not flirting and telling people off!!) You are right, I avoid shellfish at all costs!!!

NeedToGetALife

I am new to this forum but unfortunately not new to being codependent and this really hit home with where I am right now. I guess I'm at an age where I'm realizing how much of ME I have given up ... things I wanted to do, friendships I wanted to foster, places I wanted to go ... but didn't because of alcoholism. Thank you for your insight!