Made the decision to leave... how to tell him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: nevada city, ca
Posts: 3
Made the decision to leave... how to tell him?
Gosh, I'm nervous. I've never posted on this topic anywhere. I attended Al-Anon meetings awhile ago, but I needed help deciding whether to stay with my husband and try to make it work, or leave.
Well, last month, I decided to go. My husband's a highly functioning alcoholic, mostly because he's brilliant. Even drunk, he performs better than most people do sober. But, his drinking, arrogance lost him another job last month. And, to confirm my worst fears, he passed out so drunk that no one could rouse him for 6 hours. I feel so guilty leaving him, because he's basically a likable guy. No intimacy (sexual or conversational) for the past 8 years. But, I have the support of friends and family, who are relieved to see me get on with my life. They like him, too, but they know that I'm not well in this relationship.
Although he's never hit me, I'm concerned about his reaction. So are others; one friend wants to be 'in the neighborhood' when I tell him, just in case. I know I'm being totally codependent by trying to make it as easy on him as possible, but I don't want to hurt him more than I must. And, I love the guy, still (always, no doubt). I know I'll tell him in the morning, since that's his most alert and sober time, but what do I say? How do I do this? I've moved much out of the house already, so I won't have much to do that day. Do I try to have a long conversation of explanation with him? Short and get the hell out of dodge? I'm so conflicted. I know my life won't be worse without him; he's held me hostage in so many ways, emotionally, financially. I sometimes wonder why I love him so much.
I'm rambling, I know. It's just.. well.. I am scared. Forty-two years old, and I feel like a kid, emotionally. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks.
Well, last month, I decided to go. My husband's a highly functioning alcoholic, mostly because he's brilliant. Even drunk, he performs better than most people do sober. But, his drinking, arrogance lost him another job last month. And, to confirm my worst fears, he passed out so drunk that no one could rouse him for 6 hours. I feel so guilty leaving him, because he's basically a likable guy. No intimacy (sexual or conversational) for the past 8 years. But, I have the support of friends and family, who are relieved to see me get on with my life. They like him, too, but they know that I'm not well in this relationship.
Although he's never hit me, I'm concerned about his reaction. So are others; one friend wants to be 'in the neighborhood' when I tell him, just in case. I know I'm being totally codependent by trying to make it as easy on him as possible, but I don't want to hurt him more than I must. And, I love the guy, still (always, no doubt). I know I'll tell him in the morning, since that's his most alert and sober time, but what do I say? How do I do this? I've moved much out of the house already, so I won't have much to do that day. Do I try to have a long conversation of explanation with him? Short and get the hell out of dodge? I'm so conflicted. I know my life won't be worse without him; he's held me hostage in so many ways, emotionally, financially. I sometimes wonder why I love him so much.
I'm rambling, I know. It's just.. well.. I am scared. Forty-two years old, and I feel like a kid, emotionally. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I've never done this, so I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants, here. Since you've been married for a number of years, I think it's probably safe to say that you've already had the "please stop drinking" discussion. You've probably also told him before that you can't go on living like this, etc. For this reason, I think a lengthy discussion about why you are leaving is unnecessary. Long discussions can also get emotional, and you might lose your strength to follow through. I would keep it short and to the point. Try not to respond to his anger and (maybe) verbal insults.
I'm not saying you should leave. This is your decision, alone. I'm just saying this is how I would try to handle it, if I was in the same situation. Best of luck to you.
I'm not saying you should leave. This is your decision, alone. I'm just saying this is how I would try to handle it, if I was in the same situation. Best of luck to you.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Its hard to let go hey? It just may be that you are pondering on what may have been, the unknown, caring that he will be ok. All natural and of course emotional, you have been together along time.
You know how you feel, so Id be honest with him.
Good Luck
You know how you feel, so Id be honest with him.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 9
hi
ıt is obvious that you stayed in this marriage so long.
was he drinking also when you get married ? or it came out later in past years
Anyway I suggest that he seems like he is a nice quy
and I believe there is no perfect man and marriage
ıt is better to hold on to the known than to hold on to the unknown
ıf you love your husband at the moment, stay with him
he needs your support more than you need.
ı know how it feels , you think you fed up with it and 10 days later you start missing him
so stay with him till you really fed up
ıt is obvious that you stayed in this marriage so long.
was he drinking also when you get married ? or it came out later in past years
Anyway I suggest that he seems like he is a nice quy
and I believe there is no perfect man and marriage
ıt is better to hold on to the known than to hold on to the unknown
ıf you love your husband at the moment, stay with him
he needs your support more than you need.
ı know how it feels , you think you fed up with it and 10 days later you start missing him
so stay with him till you really fed up
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
sierragal, I could have written your post two years ago. Mine too was nice enough, totally brilliant, blah blah blah. I was in a rage when I finally told my exAH to get the hell out and I wanted a divorce. He was drinking yet again and I had had enough of his empty promises to control his behavior.
Here is what happened in my situation ... first, he was stunned which was amazing considering how many times I told him I'd leave him if he kept drinking. Then the accusations started - he said I must have met someone else, I had never even complained about his drinking, why couldn't I stand by him like he'd always stood by me, and all kinds of things to mess with my heart. Then he cried like a baby trying to make me stay. The only thing that saved me was posting here and the support of the experienced women who'd walked in my shoes.
As for how to tell him, I simply said, "You're drinking again and I have had enough. I want a divorce and I want you out of here. I can't live like this anymore!"
Then I knew I had to stick to my guns. I had to steel myself, and I did.
We're here to support you no matter how it goes.
PS I think pumkin's advice is totally absurd.
Here is what happened in my situation ... first, he was stunned which was amazing considering how many times I told him I'd leave him if he kept drinking. Then the accusations started - he said I must have met someone else, I had never even complained about his drinking, why couldn't I stand by him like he'd always stood by me, and all kinds of things to mess with my heart. Then he cried like a baby trying to make me stay. The only thing that saved me was posting here and the support of the experienced women who'd walked in my shoes.
As for how to tell him, I simply said, "You're drinking again and I have had enough. I want a divorce and I want you out of here. I can't live like this anymore!"
Then I knew I had to stick to my guns. I had to steel myself, and I did.
We're here to support you no matter how it goes.
PS I think pumkin's advice is totally absurd.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
Glad you've posted, sierragal. There is lots of good reading on here.
When I decided to leave, the talking was over. I really had nothing to say that had not been said ad infinitum. That didn't stop my ex from harassing me for a long time and accusing me of not giving it enough time, not giving him a reason, calling me all sorts of names (like that would get me back!) etc etc. I believe that this was his way of denying to himself that the root cause of my decision was because I didn't want to live with an active alcoholic - that would mean that he would have to accept that he did, indeed, have a drinking problem.
I just said to him that I had run out of chances. Then refused to discuss it anymore. Actually, I couldn't physically summon either the strength or the words to even have another conversation about it. I was just done.
This is what I would do and really wish I'd had this advice at the time:
Be clear - both with myself and with him
Keep it short and firm
Keep it in the "I"
Be practical
Keep emotion out of it, if possible - hard to do, I know, however it helps keep down the manipulation
Consider getting another cell phone number
Say what I have to say once - repetition willl not make him "get it" - my actions are more powerful. One caveat - if he keeps asking why, say something like "I'm done" as if I were a broken record.
Good luck - and lean on your support network. And don't forget, there is always SR.
When I decided to leave, the talking was over. I really had nothing to say that had not been said ad infinitum. That didn't stop my ex from harassing me for a long time and accusing me of not giving it enough time, not giving him a reason, calling me all sorts of names (like that would get me back!) etc etc. I believe that this was his way of denying to himself that the root cause of my decision was because I didn't want to live with an active alcoholic - that would mean that he would have to accept that he did, indeed, have a drinking problem.
I just said to him that I had run out of chances. Then refused to discuss it anymore. Actually, I couldn't physically summon either the strength or the words to even have another conversation about it. I was just done.
This is what I would do and really wish I'd had this advice at the time:
Be clear - both with myself and with him
Keep it short and firm
Keep it in the "I"
Be practical
Keep emotion out of it, if possible - hard to do, I know, however it helps keep down the manipulation
Consider getting another cell phone number
Say what I have to say once - repetition willl not make him "get it" - my actions are more powerful. One caveat - if he keeps asking why, say something like "I'm done" as if I were a broken record.
Good luck - and lean on your support network. And don't forget, there is always SR.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
Hi, I too have been in your shoes and wish you the best and am rooting for you. it is hard, I felt guilty, I couldn't talk to him about it, he just plays the puppy dog and says, "well I'm not drinking now" - a very cunning manipulative man. I stayed trapped as long as I did because there was a very expensive house involved and the mortgage was in my name and I had to do the right thing and try to sell it and needed his income to go along with it. I had everything to loose - but nothing matters more than having freedom from the bondage of alcoholism....nothing.
Get out of there, just do it, don't hesitate - words are words, when did he ever listen before? He will think it is ahollow threat again. Take action girl. the best to you.
L
Get out of there, just do it, don't hesitate - words are words, when did he ever listen before? He will think it is ahollow threat again. Take action girl. the best to you.
L
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
A few things here.
No matter how much you love someone, it’s not enough.
Many people stay in a bad situation just because of emotions they feel.
It’s a nice romantic thought that if you stay for so called support that it will help them down the road, but there comes a time when you need to grow up.
It seems you have came to this decision.
Now there must be something inside you that already thinks that he might go off on this.
But, alcoholic or not, no one will want to hear this.
As far as guilt goes, guilt is for those who do something wrong.
You are just saving yourself.
I think if more people thought more of themselves there would be less train wrecks down the road.
I say you get your affairs in order and tell him the day before you leave.
Less time for manipulation. Also if you think it might be a bad scene altogether you can always have a family member there with you.
Good luck on your journey.
No matter how much you love someone, it’s not enough.
Many people stay in a bad situation just because of emotions they feel.
It’s a nice romantic thought that if you stay for so called support that it will help them down the road, but there comes a time when you need to grow up.
It seems you have came to this decision.
Now there must be something inside you that already thinks that he might go off on this.
But, alcoholic or not, no one will want to hear this.
As far as guilt goes, guilt is for those who do something wrong.
You are just saving yourself.
I think if more people thought more of themselves there would be less train wrecks down the road.
I say you get your affairs in order and tell him the day before you leave.
Less time for manipulation. Also if you think it might be a bad scene altogether you can always have a family member there with you.
Good luck on your journey.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Mr. C What was said here I just love....because I have learned this over the years as well that sometimes "love is not enough". There is that cliche of "love is enough" I do not believe that-I would have to say IMHO that a lot of people that have gone through what most of us here have will also agree....
I was not married to an A however he did live in my home. I simply stated it to him-that " I cannot do this anymore and that he needed to find another place to live-his drinking and behavior was not what I wanted in my life anymore" It was short and to the point-with no fighting-
They have this saying KISS=keep it simple stupid!
I made sure that I did this when he was sober! And he agreed-but before he found a place which I gave him a month to do-he was kicked out and dragged out by the cops, of course drunk too boot!
Good Luck with this and I believe what Mr. C stated as true-about how you must feel there is a reason he may go off-if this is the case then I would try to have someone over in the house-possibly in the next room without him knowing! JMHO....it would make you feel a bit more secure-
No matter how much you love someone, it’s not enough.
Many people stay in a bad situation just because of emotions they feel.
It’s a nice romantic thought that if you stay for so called support that it will help them down the road, but there comes a time when you need to grow up.
It seems you have came to this decision.
Many people stay in a bad situation just because of emotions they feel.
It’s a nice romantic thought that if you stay for so called support that it will help them down the road, but there comes a time when you need to grow up.
It seems you have came to this decision.
I was not married to an A however he did live in my home. I simply stated it to him-that " I cannot do this anymore and that he needed to find another place to live-his drinking and behavior was not what I wanted in my life anymore" It was short and to the point-with no fighting-
They have this saying KISS=keep it simple stupid!
I made sure that I did this when he was sober! And he agreed-but before he found a place which I gave him a month to do-he was kicked out and dragged out by the cops, of course drunk too boot!
Good Luck with this and I believe what Mr. C stated as true-about how you must feel there is a reason he may go off-if this is the case then I would try to have someone over in the house-possibly in the next room without him knowing! JMHO....it would make you feel a bit more secure-
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Assuming you have already had converstaions about his drinking and that you find it something you cannot live with, I would keep the conversation short and to the point. Long discussion and arguments will get you nothing. I said something along the lines of "I am leaving as I told you I would and nothing you say now will change my mind." I put details into a letter I gave him as I walked out. I did not give him advanced notice before the day I was left because I did not want to deal with the drama and arguing that would have occurred. You may want to have all your plans set, where you are going (if you are the one moving out) or how to get him out, when it is going to happen, etc.
If it would make you more comfortable, do have a friend nearby. It won't hurt to be prepared if it does get nasty.
If it would make you more comfortable, do have a friend nearby. It won't hurt to be prepared if it does get nasty.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
It's amazing how the topics on this forum are always what I need to hear -- exactly when I need to hear it (HP???)!!!
"I know I'm being totally codependent by trying to make it as easy on him as possible," Oh my God --- did I ever do that!!!! I guess I really have to come out of my codie denial!
Sierra - I have been in your shoes, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. We had had all the talks about the drinking and other behaviors; and the promises to change; and the status quo; and the pretending like everything is ok. So, when I finally decided to leave it was short and sweet -- "you are still drinking, you told me you were not, I am out of here". It worked best for me to sort of write a script to prepare -- and then come up with short and sweet sentences and repeat them if needed. As someone already suggested -- "I'm done" is a good one!!!
I have separated, and now decided to divorce. I am going through this process all over again -- how do I tell him??? And I really am leaning to the chicken way out of just letting him get served and finding out that way? Any advice on that anyone?
"I know I'm being totally codependent by trying to make it as easy on him as possible," Oh my God --- did I ever do that!!!! I guess I really have to come out of my codie denial!
Sierra - I have been in your shoes, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. We had had all the talks about the drinking and other behaviors; and the promises to change; and the status quo; and the pretending like everything is ok. So, when I finally decided to leave it was short and sweet -- "you are still drinking, you told me you were not, I am out of here". It worked best for me to sort of write a script to prepare -- and then come up with short and sweet sentences and repeat them if needed. As someone already suggested -- "I'm done" is a good one!!!
I have separated, and now decided to divorce. I am going through this process all over again -- how do I tell him??? And I really am leaning to the chicken way out of just letting him get served and finding out that way? Any advice on that anyone?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Well I just went through serving my AH for divorce so here is my 2 cents.
An A's denial runs very deep and no words can penetrate it, only actions.
If you are moving out and do not have any children then I would simply move out and have him served, nothing you say beforehand will matter one bit. Be prepared for threats, begging, pleading, guilt trips and any manipulation imaginable from the A.
In my case the mortgage to the house is in my name only so unless I want to lose my hard earned equity and see my credit destroyed and or be accused of abandonment I have to get him to leave (he signed a lease yesterday thank goodness).
Getting him served was a nightmare, I had to let the process server into the room he was sitting in to literally throw the papers at him since he would not cooperate at all.
He is only cooperating now because he is afraid he will lose any chance of having overnight visitation with our son and because he has no extra money to pay his attorney to harass me.
An A's denial runs very deep and no words can penetrate it, only actions.
If you are moving out and do not have any children then I would simply move out and have him served, nothing you say beforehand will matter one bit. Be prepared for threats, begging, pleading, guilt trips and any manipulation imaginable from the A.
In my case the mortgage to the house is in my name only so unless I want to lose my hard earned equity and see my credit destroyed and or be accused of abandonment I have to get him to leave (he signed a lease yesterday thank goodness).
Getting him served was a nightmare, I had to let the process server into the room he was sitting in to literally throw the papers at him since he would not cooperate at all.
He is only cooperating now because he is afraid he will lose any chance of having overnight visitation with our son and because he has no extra money to pay his attorney to harass me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: nevada city, ca
Posts: 3
wow...thank you... all of you
These are all good pieces of advice. Jeez, some of you really have had bad experiences. It's the unpredictability of his reaction that bothers me. Lately, he's been so sweet, but I've been warned that's what alcoholics do.
He drank heavily when I first met him, but because he's so bright, I didn't recognize it for what it was. Then, I thought it would get better; but, of course, it hasn't. Most times, when things are good, we're more like friends living together (we don't sleep together) or at best, a brother and sister.
We haven't had the "I've had it, continue to drink and I'm out of here" discussion in a long time. Time's just been passing, I've felt dead, numb. But, that hasn't stopped him from hurting me. His main way of reacting to a touchy conversation is to tune me out completely... like, not talking to me for 4 weeks. And, trying to hurt me financially, since he knows it's a weak spot for me - I was married before, and my 1st husband left me piles of debt that took 4 years to pay back.
Even though I've settled on leaving him, I still am not sure I want him completely out of my life... is that bad? I know I'll worry about him (and the cats I leave behind!)
You all are great.. thank you, thank you.
He drank heavily when I first met him, but because he's so bright, I didn't recognize it for what it was. Then, I thought it would get better; but, of course, it hasn't. Most times, when things are good, we're more like friends living together (we don't sleep together) or at best, a brother and sister.
We haven't had the "I've had it, continue to drink and I'm out of here" discussion in a long time. Time's just been passing, I've felt dead, numb. But, that hasn't stopped him from hurting me. His main way of reacting to a touchy conversation is to tune me out completely... like, not talking to me for 4 weeks. And, trying to hurt me financially, since he knows it's a weak spot for me - I was married before, and my 1st husband left me piles of debt that took 4 years to pay back.
Even though I've settled on leaving him, I still am not sure I want him completely out of my life... is that bad? I know I'll worry about him (and the cats I leave behind!)
You all are great.. thank you, thank you.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
no. there's nothing wrong with not wanting him out of your life. I hoped that my husband would stop drinking and we could be together again. The thing that was astonishing was that while he cried and manipulated to get our relationship back on track, he didn't do the one thing I asked of him - quit drinking.
Sometimes I was just astonished - he'd come to pick me up for a date and there'd be a full beer between the passenger door and the seat. He house sat for me once and when I came home he'd left a beer in the back of the fridge. I'd just shake my head in wonder - was this man for real?
But if he'd quit, I would have given him another chance, no doubt. So I get where you're coming from for sure.
Sometimes I was just astonished - he'd come to pick me up for a date and there'd be a full beer between the passenger door and the seat. He house sat for me once and when I came home he'd left a beer in the back of the fridge. I'd just shake my head in wonder - was this man for real?
But if he'd quit, I would have given him another chance, no doubt. So I get where you're coming from for sure.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
do take good care of yourself. he is brilliant and capable, and those qualities combined with addiction make for a lot of power.
i am re-reading these days an excellent book "reclaim your family from addiction." i mention it here because the author, craig nakken (hazelden) describes what should be expected in a healthy, functioning marriage....and what happens with addiction. reading it can firm up your resolve to no longer accept your situation.
i am a moderate, when it comes to addiction and marriage. for me, if someone still deeply loves the addict, then i lean toward separation and time, and then, if necessary, divorce. you sound very determined to end things completely. and if you absolutely want that, then you are right to do what it takes. and your planning, amd clear-headedness, is a good lesson.
all the very best to you.
i am re-reading these days an excellent book "reclaim your family from addiction." i mention it here because the author, craig nakken (hazelden) describes what should be expected in a healthy, functioning marriage....and what happens with addiction. reading it can firm up your resolve to no longer accept your situation.
i am a moderate, when it comes to addiction and marriage. for me, if someone still deeply loves the addict, then i lean toward separation and time, and then, if necessary, divorce. you sound very determined to end things completely. and if you absolutely want that, then you are right to do what it takes. and your planning, amd clear-headedness, is a good lesson.
all the very best to you.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Welcome! All I can add is that I tried to tell my AH for weeks and weeks that I was leaving. Then, one day, I had boxes in the car when the time came closer. He flipped out! Got very verbally abusive and acted like he had no idea! I reminded him that I told him over and over. He never heard that either. So, all I can say is that in my experience, he may not hear you anyway. But, I had to actually move out sooner due to his behavior...he actually kicked a hole in the wall and I had to call the police he was so bad after I told him.
So, all the advice above about just getting all your affairs in order and get ready to move while things are somewhat calm worked best for me, because, when I did tell him, all hell broke loose.
I relate so much since my marriage was so similar. No sleeping together, no real talking/intimacy (all conversation was about him at the end), we felt like roommates. Only thing is, I was the roommate that did everything!
Now that I have left (been gone 3 months), there are still things to work out, with myself and our leftovers from life together. Sometimes I codependently relapse a bit, but life is so much more peaceful! It feels like it takes a tremendous amount of strength to move on when you are still in it, but once I left, I wondered why I didn't do it sooner!
Everybody here at SR was my salvation at the time and still are! Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We all care!
So, all the advice above about just getting all your affairs in order and get ready to move while things are somewhat calm worked best for me, because, when I did tell him, all hell broke loose.
I relate so much since my marriage was so similar. No sleeping together, no real talking/intimacy (all conversation was about him at the end), we felt like roommates. Only thing is, I was the roommate that did everything!
Now that I have left (been gone 3 months), there are still things to work out, with myself and our leftovers from life together. Sometimes I codependently relapse a bit, but life is so much more peaceful! It feels like it takes a tremendous amount of strength to move on when you are still in it, but once I left, I wondered why I didn't do it sooner!
Everybody here at SR was my salvation at the time and still are! Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We all care!
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