SUZYinVT

Hi, all,

This is my first post on this site and I am hoping that I can find the help I need here or somewhere. I am on my families "doo-doo" list, especially my 83 ur old Mom. She is angry at me because I chose to stay with husband of 22 years, even though he has really screwed up my life. I even re-located to Vt from Fl hoping that we could start a new life here. Well, it's worse and not better. I am ill and I feel like it's my fault that he drinks because he can't handle my illness. There is no cure and so we just wait for something to help the symptoms. There's no a week goes by that I don't have a crisis. I know that getting drunk is not the answer because it is making matters wirse. I don't have a car or I would leave. I have a seizure disorder and am not supposed to drive, but I would anyway to get out. How much can a person take. He drinks a 5th a night and is so drunk that he fell 2 weeks ago and didn't even know that he fractured 3 ribs. I heard him fall and I came down stairs to find him "laying" on the floor, broke a table. landed on a glass table top, and was lucky that it didn't brake under him, and was laughing. That was, till he woke up the next morning. He had a bad bruise and asked me if I hit him. I shook my head and walked away. This has been happening a lot lately. He fell down the steps, at the front door from the floor being wet from rain, and now this. He forgets what he says and does and he has at times, been disrespectful to me. 6 month's ago, he was hateful, angry and abusive. Now he has changed his MO. I had to call my Physician to have me brought by rescue to the hospital because I had a butcher knife at his throat after he upset my dogs so bad they were shaking. Well, no one hurts my dogs in any way. They are the reason I choose to live. Sounds stupid but it's true. I left all my family in Florida, including my Mom, 2 daughters, 4 grandchildren and sisters. I have 3 sisters, and only 1 talks to me. The other 2 are embarassed of me and him. Moving didn't make to problem go away. It just followed us. I never know what will set him off, but now it's nothing that set's him off. He just drinks every day anyway. Sometimes he hides it so well from me, he can't find it and then blames me and says I hid it. I try to talk to his mom and now she gets defensive on his behalf. OK...so now who do I talk to. I have medical problems of my own, and I am a recovering addict, clean for over 400 days. Pain meds almost killed me. Now I REFUSE to take any, no matter what the Docs say. I am not noble, but I just want to make a difference. My daughters are not his and there are some bad feelings there. They blame him for my health. Right after he gets hom and eats dinner, off he goes to his office downstairs, with his bottle and the internet. God only knows what he does. I don't go down there. I sleep on the sofa bed. I can't hardly stand the smell of alcohol. I hate when he "paws" at me when he is drunk. Everyone says, leave, leave, but they don't have to depend on him for financial support and health insurance and a roof over their head and so on. I am on disability. Can't do much with that. My family is good at giving advice but not helping. I say, "Oh, are you going to support me"? Then they all scatter. I just don't know what to do. He has made so many promises to stop, but hasen't. He has had 2-DUI's, one reduced to a wreckless. He has emptied our bank account gambling and drinking, pluse we lost our home, 2 brand new F150 trucks, our business and worst of all, respect of my family. I have done some things that I would have NEVER done if he was sober. Some hurt my daughters and now comes back to bite me in the butt. I feel alone, lost, unloved, and mistreated. I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, seizures, hypertension, hypothyroidism, herniated disks in my back, severe migraines and take 17 meds a day. Who is going to care for me. It's so easy to say and so hard to do. I would never leave my dogs here and move without them. I am scared and so alone. Plese, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ann

Suzy

First I want to welcome you and tell you that I hope you find some comfort here.

Your situation is very sad, but not hopeless. Have you any family that you can talk to and that can help you get away from this mess? Or have you checked with social agencies to see if there is any assistance for a person in your situation? You don't deserve to have to live like that and I would hope that there is some help avaiable to you.

In the meantime, if you can get out at all to a meeting, I know it would do you the world of good. You would find support and information there that can help you begin your own recovery program. Sadly, you can't change your husband, but you can learn to live better than you are. And read the powerposts at the top of the Al-anon and Nar-Anon boards. The information there may help you identify some areas of recovery that you could start.

I'm sending hugs and prayers that you can find assistance and strength to get you to a better place. And please feel free to join us here, anytime, to vent, share and travel with us on our journey.

margo

Hello Suzy, and welcome! It's good to have you here and I hope you will stay with us as it sounds like you have a great need for support, understanding, and friendship. There were a few things in your post that really struck me. First of all, it is NOT your fault that he drinks because he can't handle your illness. No-one is forcing him to drink. You must not take any responsibility for his actions upon yourself. It saddens me to know that you are so fed-up with your situation that you would consider putting yourself in harm's way and would drive when you know you shouldn't, but I do understand where you are coming from. Also, it's of great concern that you put a knife to your husband's throat after he upset your dogs. You ask how much a person can take - well, we can take it and take it until we go crazy, or we can put a stop to it one way or another. I know that you are at the end of your tether, and all this is certainly not helping your medical conditions. The fact that you are recovering from addiction yourself just compounds the problems and you obviously need to focus your energy on yourself right now.

One option is to leave, of course, but it's not so easy to walk away from a 22 year marriage. If you cannot or will not do that, then the only other option is to learn how to detach yourself from your husband's alcoholism and start to work on yourself and your own life. You will have a lot of difficulty with getting support and understanding from family members on either side as they do not walk in your shoes and could not even begin to comprehend what your life is like. The only people that can really do that are those who have walked that path too. This is where Al-Anon meetings come into play. I know you can't drive, but if you are willing to go and contact your local chapter, more than likely someone will be able to pick you up and bring you home. As Ann said, take a look at the Power Posts at the top of this forum, as well as on the Nar-Anon forum. Read through the links there and educate yourself as much as possible - knowledge is power. Keep coming here and reading and posting.

As Ann said, see if you can find some resources through your community. Your family doctor can be a good source of referrals, and also check into your town's Family Services and see what help they can offer you.

I really feel for you, Suzy, and I hope that you can get the help you badly need. Please keep coming back and posting - if you aren't able to locate the help you need, let us know and we might be able to help you with that, okay?

Love and hugs.

liddy

((( Suzy)))

your story is very sad. I just want you to know you are a worthwhile human being that does not deserve all of this.
As suggested by ann and margo get help for yourself, you cannot help this man if he is unwilling to seek help himself.
I have no other words except to say we care- so please get some help for you even if at first you only do it for the animals, you will find in alanon the love of strangers that have been in similar situations, you can get back your sence of worth.
I know Suze because they gave that to me.

Hugs
liddy

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Suzy and welcome!

I have a question. If he's emptied your bank account and caused you to lose your home and trucks... is he really supporting you? I used to have the illusion that I needed Dino for financial contribution. Boy was that a fantasy. Any minute he was going to be making money and taking some of the burden off my shoulders. When you think about finances, try not to imagine having the money you would have if he would just stay sober. Is the situation still the same?

I hope you will take Ann's suggestion and check with some social service agencies. No one should be stuck in a situation like this, especially when things are getting violent.

Keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke

floridaskibum

Your post really touched me... there is so much honesty and careful consideration for the effect the situation has had on your loved ones. I wonder if you've shared this with them, from the heart, without the defense mechanisms we codas seem to bring to the table when conversing with our loved ones. You seem so burdened by the pain it has caused others, if you haven't shared all this with them, perhaps you should... and maybe you would find it easier to do so with a letter similiar to this. Just my humble opinion, but it may make a differance and if you're ready to make a move
perhaps they really would step up to the plate. Otherwise I second the others that you should get to Alanon and work on you, if I were in VT I'd pick you up! Take care Suzy, his drinking is NOT your fault!

JT

SUZYinVT


There is not alot I can add to the above. I wanted to welcome you and I hope you stick around. We will be here for you whenever you want to talk.

Hugs,
JT