Detachment works
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 9
Detachment works
At the moment and for financial reasons, I cannot leave my husband. However, I’m plotting my course of action with some rather cold, calculating logic and will do so in the future when I can make sure that I’ll get the benefit of certain financial resources. Yet to date, I have been quite successful in detaching during his binges. I’m tired of being The Victim, The Rescuer, and the Codie. Time to change roles and play Survivor. Emotionally, something snapped in me during his last binge, and I simply gave up caring. I’ve become someone I never wanted to be – a harda$$.
Some of you may recall a thread last October regarding my husband who, at the time, I thought was dying. He lay in bed for days without food (but with plenty of drink) in a near comatose state. He’s a retired deputy sheriff but treats himself to a Pity Party every once in awhile. I reached the point of such disgust that I did what I could to protect others – i.e., called the police (sorry ma’am, we can’t actually do anything unless we actually catch him drinking and driving), reported that he had threatened suicide and had numerous guns in the house (sorry ma’am, we can’t remove his guns from the house, they’re personal property), and finally in desperation filled out a (California) DMV Request for Reexamination form and reported why he shouldn’t be driving – because he drinks and drives. I found this form in .pdf form online while doing a search on “California DUI laws.”
Well, it’s worked thus far as far as the drinking and driving go. The DMV hauled his butt in twice to question him, and the whole process took weeks. He was sweating bullets. No, he has no idea that the little woman was actually the one who reported him. I must admit that I actually enjoyed watching him squirm and sweat during those weeks. I guess I wanted him to feel some of the stress and pain he’s caused me and others. He finally received a notice from them saying “No action at this time” but at this point, he knows damn well that he is walking the razor’s edge when it comes to driving and drinking. He had a mini-binge in Reno while attending a convention and got caught in some nasty weather recently and was terrified to drive. His dilemma was on his mind first and foremost, of course. He asked me what he should do on the phone and I matter-of-factly said “Dunno what to tell you.” His comment was “Wow, you really have detached!” I agreed and left it at that.
I’m getting better and I’ve gotten selfish. I’ve gotten better because I’ve gotten selfish. He has noted my indifference and most likely it worries him a bit. I’ve always been a very compassionate, giving person when it comes to family but he’s where it’s ended. I think he senses this and for some reason, it lessens my anger. A lot.
Some of you may recall a thread last October regarding my husband who, at the time, I thought was dying. He lay in bed for days without food (but with plenty of drink) in a near comatose state. He’s a retired deputy sheriff but treats himself to a Pity Party every once in awhile. I reached the point of such disgust that I did what I could to protect others – i.e., called the police (sorry ma’am, we can’t actually do anything unless we actually catch him drinking and driving), reported that he had threatened suicide and had numerous guns in the house (sorry ma’am, we can’t remove his guns from the house, they’re personal property), and finally in desperation filled out a (California) DMV Request for Reexamination form and reported why he shouldn’t be driving – because he drinks and drives. I found this form in .pdf form online while doing a search on “California DUI laws.”
Well, it’s worked thus far as far as the drinking and driving go. The DMV hauled his butt in twice to question him, and the whole process took weeks. He was sweating bullets. No, he has no idea that the little woman was actually the one who reported him. I must admit that I actually enjoyed watching him squirm and sweat during those weeks. I guess I wanted him to feel some of the stress and pain he’s caused me and others. He finally received a notice from them saying “No action at this time” but at this point, he knows damn well that he is walking the razor’s edge when it comes to driving and drinking. He had a mini-binge in Reno while attending a convention and got caught in some nasty weather recently and was terrified to drive. His dilemma was on his mind first and foremost, of course. He asked me what he should do on the phone and I matter-of-factly said “Dunno what to tell you.” His comment was “Wow, you really have detached!” I agreed and left it at that.
I’m getting better and I’ve gotten selfish. I’ve gotten better because I’ve gotten selfish. He has noted my indifference and most likely it worries him a bit. I’ve always been a very compassionate, giving person when it comes to family but he’s where it’s ended. I think he senses this and for some reason, it lessens my anger. A lot.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"I’ve gotten selfish"
Selfish may not be the right word.
Maybe you have come to see that you are powerless over him and his disease and you are controlling the only thing you can- yourself. Seeing your future how you'd like it to be and having a plan to get there sounds very healthy.
Selfish may not be the right word.
Maybe you have come to see that you are powerless over him and his disease and you are controlling the only thing you can- yourself. Seeing your future how you'd like it to be and having a plan to get there sounds very healthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
So tired!! Reading that was like reading something I just wrote...and I have my moments of guilt for being so witchy!! BUT....it feels so good to finally be able to say "I don't care anymore", and actually mean it. I do however, know I like the happy, compassionate person in me better...but this way keeps me strong and moving forward. Hugs hugs hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 9
gj, i'm way beyond guilt. I'm neither the one who caused the pain nor am I the alcoholic. Not quite sure what happened, but as I said in my earlier post, something simply snapped. I simply knew what I was going to do. Voila, the reckoning! Making my careful plans has given me a beautiful incentive to reach out and find myself again, and I like what I found. Amazing the inner strength we each have when we reach out for it. I have something to look forward to. The Escape.
Pinkie, it kind of makes me want to pound my chest and holler lolll. Thanks for your support everyone!
Pinkie, it kind of makes me want to pound my chest and holler lolll. Thanks for your support everyone!
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