Think For Yourself
Not a bad place to be....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Think For Yourself
I just came across an incredible reading out of my Alanon literature "Courage to Change" and thought I'd share.....I love this!!!
Maybe we need many points of view in order to understand life more fully; after all, no one person's view is totally complete. So when my partner, my child, my employer, or a friend takes a position unlike my own, I have a choice. I can assume that one of us is wrong and defend myself, or I can be grateful for the chance to see that there are countless ways of looking at life. An abundance of wisdom is available if I keep an open mind.
I try to practice this attitude when my loved one and I discuss anything, even TV. We often perceive a TV show so differently that its hard to believe we've been watching the same station! I used to take these disagreements personally. One of us had to be wrong and my position had to be accepted. Today I don't think there's anything personal about a difference of opinion. If you think the sea is blue and I think it's green, I don't have to spend all day trying to convince you. I have learned believe in myself and respect that other people are entitled to do the same.
I don't have to invalidate anyone else's views in order to validate my own. It's all right to disagree. Today I will respect someone's right to think differently.
Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too.
Maybe we need many points of view in order to understand life more fully; after all, no one person's view is totally complete. So when my partner, my child, my employer, or a friend takes a position unlike my own, I have a choice. I can assume that one of us is wrong and defend myself, or I can be grateful for the chance to see that there are countless ways of looking at life. An abundance of wisdom is available if I keep an open mind.
I try to practice this attitude when my loved one and I discuss anything, even TV. We often perceive a TV show so differently that its hard to believe we've been watching the same station! I used to take these disagreements personally. One of us had to be wrong and my position had to be accepted. Today I don't think there's anything personal about a difference of opinion. If you think the sea is blue and I think it's green, I don't have to spend all day trying to convince you. I have learned believe in myself and respect that other people are entitled to do the same.
I don't have to invalidate anyone else's views in order to validate my own. It's all right to disagree. Today I will respect someone's right to think differently.
Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Great share, thanks!
Oh man, was I ever guilty of trying to convince people of this or that...
And the award goes to.....ICU!! Yup!
Originally Posted by BayouSelf 
If you think the sea is blue and I think it's green, I don't have to spend all day trying to convince you.
And the award goes to.....ICU!! Yup!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
I have been so guilty of this as well!
This is a great thought, and I can attest to the fact that it can make your life so much more enjoyable and calm! A subtle need for control evaporates
Thanks!!
This is a great thought, and I can attest to the fact that it can make your life so much more enjoyable and calm! A subtle need for control evaporates
Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I like the exchange of ideas but I believe a person also has adhere to one, at the risk of floating around on the wind. No, I'm not saying being rigid in one's belief, but being open to ideas and then embracing one. Hope that makes sense.
Years ago I would have floated in the wind depending on each person I was interacting with. It seems as I get older I am more protective of my core beliefs, deflecting those people who would try to control me. That's not to say I can't change my mind, but I'm not going to allow someone to dictate how I think. That's up to me. Hope that makes sense too!
Years ago I would have floated in the wind depending on each person I was interacting with. It seems as I get older I am more protective of my core beliefs, deflecting those people who would try to control me. That's not to say I can't change my mind, but I'm not going to allow someone to dictate how I think. That's up to me. Hope that makes sense too!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Claudia,
I agree with you that no one should be able to dictate how you think. But the reading isn't about adapting or bending to someone else's viewpoint, imho. It's about seeing there are lots of different viewpoints out there, and not trying to convince a loved one that our way is the only way. I'll never back away from what I believe either. But it's what *I* believe, not what I need everyone else to believe as well.
Flexing those boundary muscles: "I see that your way is valid too, and may be right for you...but I'm still going to do what's right for MY life. Back off, Jack"
Sounds like we're saying the same things only with different words. I can accept that someone else might have a different viewpoint. That doesn't keep me from saying, "Hmmm, that's interesting too, but I still feel this way about it. Pass the pretzels?"
I love that reading.....thanks Bayou!
I agree with you that no one should be able to dictate how you think. But the reading isn't about adapting or bending to someone else's viewpoint, imho. It's about seeing there are lots of different viewpoints out there, and not trying to convince a loved one that our way is the only way. I'll never back away from what I believe either. But it's what *I* believe, not what I need everyone else to believe as well.
Flexing those boundary muscles: "I see that your way is valid too, and may be right for you...but I'm still going to do what's right for MY life. Back off, Jack"
Sounds like we're saying the same things only with different words. I can accept that someone else might have a different viewpoint. That doesn't keep me from saying, "Hmmm, that's interesting too, but I still feel this way about it. Pass the pretzels?"
I love that reading.....thanks Bayou!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The part that hit home with me was that there doesn't have to be a right and a wrong. Just because something is right for me, doesn't mean it's right for someone else. I spent years trying to convince my A that my way was the right way. And it was--FOR ME. His way was the right way for him, as much as I couldn't stand it! I didn't have the right to decide what he should do. I wish I would have realized that sooner.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"But the reading isn't about adapting or bending to someone else's viewpoint, imho."
Very true. Sometimes I read things on here and it gets me to thinking, like on a pathway. The path led me to thinking about standing straight and strong in the winds of opinion. I have some absolute truths, but you are right, they are strictly my own. Then there are some gray areas, which grow more numerous as the years go by. What an interesting journey life is!
Very true. Sometimes I read things on here and it gets me to thinking, like on a pathway. The path led me to thinking about standing straight and strong in the winds of opinion. I have some absolute truths, but you are right, they are strictly my own. Then there are some gray areas, which grow more numerous as the years go by. What an interesting journey life is!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Thank you so much for bumping this, yeah it hits home.
Here's something I posted recently, but for me, it only seemed to work if the other person "heard" me
Now I'm beginning to see that it's not my job to make others see my point of view, and if they can't see how their actions can be, or are "harmful" to me, or to the relationship, and to make a decision to take care of myself in other ways.
I have no problems with differing viewpoints, but for example here's a situation that drove me nuts. When my GF looked right in my eyes, and lied to me, and I KNEW she was lying to me, I said "If you lie to me, I have trouble believing you" and she went ballistic, she accused me of being a drama queen, she said I have to blow everything out of proportion, she said "How DARE you question my integrity!!???!!!" "this has NOTHING to do with the relationship"
we went round and round for weeks, with me being unable to get her to see how lying to me impacts our relationship.
She never did get it.
Today, it's not my job, to explain the impact of lying to your boyfriend in a relationship, if you don't understand that concept at 37 years of age, chances are you aren't going to learn it from me, especially in an emotionally charged situation, with YOU as the liar.
So today, just "state my truth" and what you do with that information is none of my business.
Here's something I posted recently, but for me, it only seemed to work if the other person "heard" me
One of the things I found helpful to setting boundaries was reading something called "fighting fair", it's all about using "I" messages, and for me, "I feel" being the most effective, I can argue with how you think, but I can't argue with how you feel.
Example, years ago I was in couples counseling/therapy and my GF said "yadda yadda blah blah and it upsets me"
the therapist said, "That's right"
I was outraged and indignant, and I responded with, "Blah blah yadda yadda" (my version of said events, clearly proving she was "wrong")
The therapist said, "that's right too"
She said, "our feelings were our feelings, and our perception of the events were our reality, that's what we saw and how we saw it"
I was ...flabbergasted...so now, If I have one view of a situation, and you have another, you aren't necessarily "wrong" and since then that has been one of the most important things I ever learned.
So we can both be upset, we can both have a different "take" on what happened but We can both be "right" if we are dealing with feelings.
When you ______ I feel ___________
By the way, this has only been effective for me if I was involved with a healthy person, it seems a hard concept to understand for someone who is "defended" all the time and has an absolute inability to "own their part" in a situation, and as a concept it's easily manipulated.
Example, years ago I was in couples counseling/therapy and my GF said "yadda yadda blah blah and it upsets me"
the therapist said, "That's right"
I was outraged and indignant, and I responded with, "Blah blah yadda yadda" (my version of said events, clearly proving she was "wrong")
The therapist said, "that's right too"
She said, "our feelings were our feelings, and our perception of the events were our reality, that's what we saw and how we saw it"
I was ...flabbergasted...so now, If I have one view of a situation, and you have another, you aren't necessarily "wrong" and since then that has been one of the most important things I ever learned.
So we can both be upset, we can both have a different "take" on what happened but We can both be "right" if we are dealing with feelings.
When you ______ I feel ___________
By the way, this has only been effective for me if I was involved with a healthy person, it seems a hard concept to understand for someone who is "defended" all the time and has an absolute inability to "own their part" in a situation, and as a concept it's easily manipulated.
I have no problems with differing viewpoints, but for example here's a situation that drove me nuts. When my GF looked right in my eyes, and lied to me, and I KNEW she was lying to me, I said "If you lie to me, I have trouble believing you" and she went ballistic, she accused me of being a drama queen, she said I have to blow everything out of proportion, she said "How DARE you question my integrity!!???!!!" "this has NOTHING to do with the relationship"
we went round and round for weeks, with me being unable to get her to see how lying to me impacts our relationship.
She never did get it.
Today, it's not my job, to explain the impact of lying to your boyfriend in a relationship, if you don't understand that concept at 37 years of age, chances are you aren't going to learn it from me, especially in an emotionally charged situation, with YOU as the liar.
So today, just "state my truth" and what you do with that information is none of my business.
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