Neptune

Hi everyone:
I was hoping for a little bit of advice on how to forgive.

My husband and I have been fighting about his addiction to alcohol for many years. He was in complete denial about his dependency. Needless to say, every fight would turn around on me and he'd make me out to be a control freak and psycho. We even separated for a few months and seeked counselling.

To make a long story short, we are now back together, and he has been able to admit to himself that he has a real big problem with alcohol. (A 24 a day was becoming the "norm").

Since then, he hasn't touched a drop. I can tell he's making a real effort to make up for all the bad things he did in the past. He has been a dream come true, he cooks, cleans, takes wonderful care of me and our little boy.

Alcohol is no longer an issue... now it's me. No matter how good he is, every time I look in his eyes, all I can remember is the jerk that put booze before me over and over again. The guy that lied, manipulated, and make me out to be a crazed psychopath so that he could stay in denial.

I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to deal with this???

LaTeeDa

I think journaling was the thing that helped me most with forgiveness. Once I wrote down all the stuff I was angry and resentful about, it helped. And, not saying this is true for you, but looking back on all of it I realized I was a psycho control freak in many ways. In fact, forgiving him was not nearly as difficult as forgiving myself. I became somone I didn't like over the years. I had to work on getting myself back.

I guess what I'm saying is that relationships always involve more than one person. When I owned up to my part of the dysfunctional relationship, it became much easier to forgive him for his part.

JMO,
L

Neptune

You are probably right LaTeeDa.

I'm not very happy with myself these days, or with what I have become as a result of this. I feel like a cripple trying to walk on egg shells.

Maybe I should worry about fixing myself before fixing my relationship.

Thanks.

prodigal

Welcome, Neptune, I'm glad you found us! I'd suggest you start by reading the articles at the top of our board. There's a great deal of information that may help you understand the disease of alcoholism and the role you have played. Those of us have played a role in the disease, even though initially we may not understand that.

So your AH has admitted he has a problem with alcohol and is not drinking now. Has he discussed the possibility of attending AA? Have you looked into Al-Anon meetings in your area? Whether he chooses to attend AA or not, Al-Anon could help you to deal with the feelings you are experiencing. It is suggested at your first meeting that you try six meetings before deciding whether or not Al-Anon is for you.

Forgiveness is difficult after having blame heaped on your head for years by an addict. You've been hurt. You can't just pretend as if his behavior never occurred. (However, you may have noticed how an A can "forget" what he said to you the-morning-after-the-night-before ....)

Forgiveness ... "alcohol is no longer the issue, now it's me." That's correct. It's YOU. And forgiveness serves a pretty important purpose when it has to do with you: it frees YOU up. I have forgiven my AH for a bunch of really rotten stuff he pulled on me. He never asked for my forgiveness. He never made any attempts to take responsibility for his rotten behavior. He never owned up to what he did. So I forgave him. I worked on it day after day after day after day. And I got to the point that forgiving HIM set ME free. I no longer had to drag around the ball-and-chain of contempt, despair, anger, and depression.

I don't know if that makes sense or not, but as you can see your struggle to forgive him is causing you pain. He probably doesn't remember many of his drunken tirades. But you do. So it's bothering you, but it doesn't appear to be bothering him.

How long has it been since he's had a drink?

P.S. - Had to grin when I saw the old accusation that you are (or were) a "psychopath." I got that exact same one myself. Hmmm ... I've been married to not one but TWO A's ... there may have been a kernel of truth in my current AH's accusation!

LaTeeDa

I had an awesome counselor who helped me through. You don't have to do it all by yourself..........

L

prodigal

And I completely agree with LTD ... it starts with forgiving ourselves. How can I forgive anyone else if I'm beating up on myself and wailing about all the dumb stuff and wrong choices I've made? Believe me, I've made plenty. But even when I've messed up, I've had to stop beating myself over the head with my own personal "stupid stick."

Forgiveness is about me.

Kindeyes

It was much easier to forgive my A son than it has been to forgive my AXH. I totally agree with Prodigal.......forgive has a lot more to do with me than it does the forgivee.

cookconfay

I have had so much trouble forgiving my xah! He used, drank, lied, cheated, moved in with his girlfriend, it just goes on from there. I found out I was pregnant with my now 3 1/2 yr old a week after he moved in with the girlfriend. He has seen this child 2 times. NO child support, and now he's in prison. So...yes I'm still angry, resentful and extremely bitter.

I somehow in my head can't seperate the two......forgiving and saying it's ok to do that sort of crap to me! I in NO way want to let him know what he did was ok. Because it was NOT ok. I still have waaaayyyyy too much trouble in this area and need to see what others suggest also. I've written, prayed, written volumes, prayed and prayed, asked for prayers, and I still get extremely bothered by the whole ordeal!

nowinsituation

I am also struggling with this issue. It seems I feel a need to stay angry with my STBXAH in order to justify continuing with the separation/divorce. However, I know that this anger is NOT good for ME!! But, if I could forgive him; wouldn't I also be able to reconcile with him and resume the relationship (also NOT good for ME -- and not what I want) I could use some insights.

daisies

I could write the same post. I am having the same issues with my AH. Just returned from a counseling session where my AH wants to work on the marriage and I feel like I dont have in in me to give it another shot. I have been giving it soooo many chances throughout the 13 years of marriage that I cannot do it again. Am I selfish? Am I the bad guy for not working on the marriage anymore? No, I am not. The future with my AH is so uncertain that I cannot continue down that path. I am better off by myself. I admit that I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I would suggest counseling. Having just come from a session it was nice to have the counselor run interference. The counselor said that as the wife of the AH I would need to learn to love my AH again. I cannot do that. I have accepted that he is an addict but that I do not have to tolerate the roller coaster anymore. The counselor suggested that the way it would work is for me to continue setting the boundaries and telling my AH what "is" and what "is not" acceptable. I am sorry but I am not his mother. If he does not know that treating me like dog**** is unacceptable and that drinking in the house in unacceptable and that exposing me to his STD his unacceptable then I have resorted to being married to a child. That is my opinion only. Life is too short for me to be married to an addict.

I wish you the best. You need to determine what you want in your life. Your AH cannot. You need to take control and decide. I would suggest counseling and AlAnon.

gjfc3

Awww I know those feelings well...as I am dealing with the same...a MOUNTAIN of guilt...guilt for staying...guilt for enabling...guilt for sending bad thoughts his way....I am now choosing to do the "All about me" thing. It is the most horrible feeling to continue feeling buckled down with guilt. I am doing a lot of self help reading....lots of good feeling quotes...and I stilll have a long road to hoe...but the upswing is that we all have one another to help each other along the way....3 Cheers for that!!!

One thing I have realized is the I am no longer in love with him and haven't been for a while...with this in mind, I think it will be easier to free myself of guilt bit by bit...and not feel like I have to continue to stay angry so I can leave...I understand your thoughts exactly Nowinsit!!! I KNOW I deserve to be happy...and that is the bottom line..with or without me he will continue to exist..hopefully sober but out of my control if not!! today is a good day....I can see the future taking shape..and the biggest hugs to you!!

DetachMe9

I have this hanging on the wall of my office so I'll type it out, for what it's worth:

Forgiveness Is Not:

Condoning
Forgetting
Getting an apology
Serving vengeance
Renewing a relationship (like it was before)
Getting your expectations met
About the other person changing
Understanding why it happened
Allowing the hurt to continue (you can set boundaries)

Forgiveness Is:

About you and your recovery
Letting go of expectations
Grieving the losses
Willingness to have joy
Unconditional love
Getting on with life
Separating the deed from the doer
A principle that heals and transforms
Listening to your own needs
A willingness to invest in your life
Forgiving yourself first
A lifelong process

I haven't a clue where it came from, but I've had it for years. Hope it helps.

gjfc3

and daisies...I feel like I wrote these as well...12 years here..hubby is trying to move the earth to make it work...but I am no longer in it....I have spent too much time detached and am unable to let myself fall back into the same trap...WE ARE STRONG!!! and we deserve happiness! losing myself is not the price I ever thought I would pay for this marriage...so now I am taking my life back..day by day...and we can do this!!

gjfc3

wow!! so awesome detach! I feel that one....helps to see that written!:ghug

daisies

gjfc3 - when you wrote "losing myself is not the price I ever thought I would pay for this marriage" I started crying. That is exactly how I feel. I told the counselor that I feel "nothing". I am so numb to the effects of living like I have for the past few years.
Yes, we can take our lives back and be happy again. I am slowly working on myself and I will get there. It is a slow process but it will happen.

ICU

I'll keep it simple...I didn't really know how to truly forgive anyone until I learned how to forgive myself first. And, the anger I held for other people was nothing when compared to the anger I held towards myself.

Barbara52

Forgiving is not the same as accepting.

I have largely forgiven my STBXAH for all he put me thru (its not total yet or things occuring now wouldn't interest me). I told him that even. But I also told him that it doesn't mean I have forgotten any of it or that I find his behaviors then or now acceptable to me. There is no reconciliation possible because I no longer love the man, no longer trust him and don't much like him either. I want as little as possible to do with him because he is not the kind of person I want in my life going forward. Even if he weren't and alcoholic this would be true. He's just not the man I fell in love with. That man does not exist in reality.

In forgiving, I found that it took a load off my soul. I forgave and handed STBXAH over to my HP.

good_luck

Thanks Detach9, that is pretty in line with my own thinking.

I've been kind of a fruitcake about the whole forgiving thing. (Back and forth and back again.) I'm not a very angry person, but it would be kind of idiotic to overlook the horrible way I was treated. So it was hard to settle in either position.

So, I have forgiven my ex, but I don't think there is any reason whatsoever that he needs to know it. In fact, I think that his knowing it may actually validate his bad behavior, and I don't see how that is helpful.

I'll just continue on with my life, and hope that some day he will get to a point where if he asks for forgiveness, and then, sure, he can know that I forgive him. Until then he can feel guilty or justified or whatever, it really doesn't concern me.

This is an approach I have only tried in this particular situation. Most people don't take advantage of grace like my ex does. So, sadly enough, my compassion, kindness and love are secret for now. I think that is kind of stupid, but so are the alternatives.

(To the original poster- sorry, I know this wasn't very helpful for someone still involved with their A.)

DetachMe9

Between 'reliable suckage' and 'incorrigible douchebags', it's been a big week here at SR. Happy Holidays!

daisyjen

my gosh, i couldve written this post. my AH has been sober 11 months now and i am still struggling with it all. forgiveness - myself and him, and also guilt for wanting to leave. his family has already questioned me about why i would leave if he has done what i wanted, quit drinking - after 15 yrs, i might add. we have 3 sons - whats better for them? i know what i want and thats a chance at happiness, not the turmoil i continue to live in... though, i admit, i am causing some of that turmoil now, because of my unhappiness and indecision... good luck with everything!