How Do You Break the Cycle?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
How Do You Break the Cycle?
I have been with ABF for two years and I have known him for seven. He has ben sober nine months. I find myself really struggling with my journey and I am seeking advice and clarity for the New Year.
Questions:
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds?
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength.
4. How do you stop the pity party?
I really want my New Year's resolution to be about healing and finding love not only for myself but life.
Thanks.
Questions:
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds?
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength.
4. How do you stop the pity party?
I really want my New Year's resolution to be about healing and finding love not only for myself but life.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by venusinlibra 
I have been with ABF for two years and I have known him for seven. He has ben sober nine months. I find myself really struggling with my journey and I am seeking advice and clarity for the New Year.
Questions:
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds?
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength.
4. How do you stop the pity party?
I really want my New Year's resolution to be about healing and finding love not only for myself but life.
Thanks.
Questions:
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds?
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength.
4. How do you stop the pity party?
I really want my New Year's resolution to be about healing and finding love not only for myself but life.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch... hard questions to answer.
1. Yes being self supportive is part of the deal when they become sober... How to set boundries .. well I had to sit down and figure out honestly what I could and could not live with... once I figured that out (not an easy process when you love someone) I could honestly set them for myself. I did not have to announce them to anyone or do the "if this happens I will do this" ... so when the boundary was crossed, I knew it was the end... I had already promised myself and when it came time to follow through I knew to trust what I had decided. BUT dont set one you can follow through on, causes nothing but pain.
2. Time, prayer, taking responsibility for my part. I had to realize that alot of what happened was my issues too. I allowed alot of that, I did not respect myself enough to say no... therefore many things just kept happening... I did have a choice and I choose to continue in the insanity. When I got to the point that I could forgive myself and take responsibility for my part and realize Im more then worth it... ... it was easier to forgive the other person. Also it helped to keep in mind all the time... he is sick and it was never about me. I also have alot of trust in God and accept that as long as Im honest and keeping my side of the street clean... loving/respecting myself and the other person ... all the rest will fall into place.
3. My heart is never in line with me head when it comes to endings. I found the strength in focusing on myself and remembering. I will have to live with only one person the rest of my life.... ME.... therefore I have to take care of that person first. I know what is right and wrong for me, my heart on the other hand will make up every excuse for why the unacceptable is acceptable. I have to trust myself... one of the ways I do this is by asking myself. Would "whatever" be good enough for my daughter???? Would it be ok if a man treated or did to my daughter what is happening to me... if the answer is NO... well, there is my answer, its not good enough for me either.
4. I reach out, I go to church, recovery meetings, reach out to other people who are hurting.... I mourn and give myself permission to feel all those horrible feelings and walk through the pain and process. I try not to bury them by getting so busy I dont "feel" .. just busy enough to keep myself from completely isolating. Time will heal the hurts, I promise.
I seem to have cleaned house the end of this year.... I fully intend to finish this year reflective of myself... Come the first of the year all that is behind me and I will welcome the new year with all the wonderful blessings in store for me and I will hold nothing back in living my life as full and happy as possible.
1. Yes being self supportive is part of the deal when they become sober... How to set boundries .. well I had to sit down and figure out honestly what I could and could not live with... once I figured that out (not an easy process when you love someone) I could honestly set them for myself. I did not have to announce them to anyone or do the "if this happens I will do this" ... so when the boundary was crossed, I knew it was the end... I had already promised myself and when it came time to follow through I knew to trust what I had decided. BUT dont set one you can follow through on, causes nothing but pain.
2. Time, prayer, taking responsibility for my part. I had to realize that alot of what happened was my issues too. I allowed alot of that, I did not respect myself enough to say no... therefore many things just kept happening... I did have a choice and I choose to continue in the insanity. When I got to the point that I could forgive myself and take responsibility for my part and realize Im more then worth it... ... it was easier to forgive the other person. Also it helped to keep in mind all the time... he is sick and it was never about me. I also have alot of trust in God and accept that as long as Im honest and keeping my side of the street clean... loving/respecting myself and the other person ... all the rest will fall into place.
3. My heart is never in line with me head when it comes to endings. I found the strength in focusing on myself and remembering. I will have to live with only one person the rest of my life.... ME.... therefore I have to take care of that person first. I know what is right and wrong for me, my heart on the other hand will make up every excuse for why the unacceptable is acceptable. I have to trust myself... one of the ways I do this is by asking myself. Would "whatever" be good enough for my daughter???? Would it be ok if a man treated or did to my daughter what is happening to me... if the answer is NO... well, there is my answer, its not good enough for me either.
4. I reach out, I go to church, recovery meetings, reach out to other people who are hurting.... I mourn and give myself permission to feel all those horrible feelings and walk through the pain and process. I try not to bury them by getting so busy I dont "feel" .. just busy enough to keep myself from completely isolating. Time will heal the hurts, I promise.
I seem to have cleaned house the end of this year.... I fully intend to finish this year reflective of myself... Come the first of the year all that is behind me and I will welcome the new year with all the wonderful blessings in store for me and I will hold nothing back in living my life as full and happy as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I just had a long conversation with my son who lives on his own. He basically said Mom you deserve to be loved and respected. That "my guy" did not respect me, was manipulating me, and I deserved better. That "my guy" needed to grow up and find his own way in life. That it made him sad to see me treated this way. That was a very SOBERING conversation. I feel like a light switch was just turned on. Thanks for your support and kind words.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries. Honestly, sometimes I look at him and just say that I just wanted him to ask how my day was. When you are around an alcoholic, I used to feel that I had to ask him how he was doing--like his emotions were inside--okay let's sing Kumbahyah my Lord-and everything will be okay. I focus now on taking care of myself first--walking away from stressful conditions--looking for easier ways to do things and handle things.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds? I focus on his present actions. He has to earn my trust.
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength. Your heart is still in love with him. Your head just wants a safe place. I find strength in God with prayer.
4. How do you stop the pity party? I call my close family and friends--they know me--my mother is the best for helping me through the pity party.
I also look to see if I can help other people who are less forturnate. This year, I sponsored two little girls for gifts at a giving tree at one of my favorite breakfast places, Charleston Cafe in Seattle.
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds? I focus on his present actions. He has to earn my trust.
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength. Your heart is still in love with him. Your head just wants a safe place. I find strength in God with prayer.
4. How do you stop the pity party? I call my close family and friends--they know me--my mother is the best for helping me through the pity party.
I also look to see if I can help other people who are less forturnate. This year, I sponsored two little girls for gifts at a giving tree at one of my favorite breakfast places, Charleston Cafe in Seattle.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keeping in mind that everybody is different...
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries. I decide what behavior I will tolerate, and I base that on whether or not it gives me respect for him. To me, a man who cannot or will not support himself in some way is a severe turn-off. I'm not attracted to infants, I'm attracted to men. So that one was very clear boundary for me. If you share it, and you give him a deadline -- say February 1 -- and he is not contributing to the house still....you've got to wonder: do you really want to be a grown man's mother forever?
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds? That takes a lot of time, and the timer doesn't start until he has re-earned respect in your eyes NOW. Being sober but being helpless and abusive doesn't cut it. At this rate you'll NEVER regain it. Something has to give so that seed of trust can begin to sprout again.
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength. Why do you assume this is a yes or no issue? Do you live together or apart? If you live together, you can still love him while living apart. If you live apart already, your next step might be to take a break from the relationship and see how you like living without being used, deceived, and constantly stressed out by alcoholism.
4. How do you stop the pity party? What are you feeling sorry for yourself about? You are a strong, capable woman who has the freedom to do whatever you want, to build whatever kind of life you want. You can't control what's already been done....you can only drive your bus now. Listen to your son: you deserve to have a GOOD life, but you're the only one who can get you there. It takes tiny little steps, tiny little accomplishments that make you proud of yourself.
For me, it also took talking to a therapist, a really nice guy who got at the core of why I felt my X was the best I deserved out of life. That was possibly the thing that saved my life.
What you have doesn't sound like love, if your son's words can be believed (and I assume they can). I wish you love, venus, real love, not need, not dependence, not control, not any of that. Just love.
Happy new year's wishes
1. Is one of the top priorities for being sober is being self supportive? If that person is not, how did you set the boundaries. I decide what behavior I will tolerate, and I base that on whether or not it gives me respect for him. To me, a man who cannot or will not support himself in some way is a severe turn-off. I'm not attracted to infants, I'm attracted to men. So that one was very clear boundary for me. If you share it, and you give him a deadline -- say February 1 -- and he is not contributing to the house still....you've got to wonder: do you really want to be a grown man's mother forever?
2. How do you let go of the anger and resentment from past deeds? That takes a lot of time, and the timer doesn't start until he has re-earned respect in your eyes NOW. Being sober but being helpless and abusive doesn't cut it. At this rate you'll NEVER regain it. Something has to give so that seed of trust can begin to sprout again.
3. I want so hard to let go. My head says yes and my heart says no...where do I find the strength. Why do you assume this is a yes or no issue? Do you live together or apart? If you live together, you can still love him while living apart. If you live apart already, your next step might be to take a break from the relationship and see how you like living without being used, deceived, and constantly stressed out by alcoholism.
4. How do you stop the pity party? What are you feeling sorry for yourself about? You are a strong, capable woman who has the freedom to do whatever you want, to build whatever kind of life you want. You can't control what's already been done....you can only drive your bus now. Listen to your son: you deserve to have a GOOD life, but you're the only one who can get you there. It takes tiny little steps, tiny little accomplishments that make you proud of yourself.
For me, it also took talking to a therapist, a really nice guy who got at the core of why I felt my X was the best I deserved out of life. That was possibly the thing that saved my life.
What you have doesn't sound like love, if your son's words can be believed (and I assume they can). I wish you love, venus, real love, not need, not dependence, not control, not any of that. Just love.
Happy new year's wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I am doing alot of soul searching tonight. I think it's the loss of "the dream" of what could have been and not what it is. I thought after he got sober we would be so happy. He's still irresponsible and unstable. I'm still resentful and enabling. Today I feel a little light at the end of the tunnel. Today feels different that this really is the end. Thanks for your kind words.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
1. yes, self supporting is part of recovery. it's in the 7th tradition
of any 12 step program. From a codependent book I read.
Yes each partner should be an entity in a healty relationship.
NO emeshing..but that of sharing the love with one another.
A partnership. Boundaries are for the indiviaual to apply to
him/herself...I tried .lol i failed and failed into enabling.
I can't be a daddy for a grown women forever. It was a roled
I never wanted to played, but to wacth her suffer or having
to face any consiquences made me cringe.
I get too compassionate and start to hold her up...not good.
Then i start to crumble myself. Last resort...a break up.
Even so ..there's the no contact boundaries that i failed
and failed again...it drives me bunkers everytime.
Unlimately I'm licking my own wounds anyways
(love myself. charrish myself).
2. I'm working on it...the mods will tell you :rof
It's okay to feel your anger or resentments (hate)
Couple with LOVING MYSELF. Get in touch with
my dark side..per say. Acknowelging that I'm hurt
I write a lot... I guess. But with my experince with
other alki in my life. it's best to be confronted with
such matters...Alki hates confrontations.
Lay the blame where the blame belongs..no more
confusion. (accountabilities)..no more emeshing blame or
responsiblities.
Not a beat up or soul damaging session.
Just plan communication...a heart to heart talk.
Look me in the eye, look in my soul kind of thing.
If the partner wish not to participate...Follow #1.lol
Now it's the unresolved anger (resentments)
I don't know....chop trees, break stuff, stomp
on your pillow, write 500 pages on SR.lol
It has to come out of you somehow, find a healthy
outlit..don't hurt yourself by all means. Try to not
take it out on others...I had to make 2 applogies today.lol
Forgiveness..not for the partner...but for the
indiviual him/herself holding the anger or resentments.
Self Forgivness than a transition to forgiving the
partner. This process clean each indiviual him/herself.
3 Reach out to others as you are doing how.
Your love tank is dry or the life force has been suck out of you.
Get help and support via a group of people that
can help you HEAL. Contact or a hug from another
human -being aside from your partner will assist you
in this process. Talking to others aside from you
partner will help...A change of thoughts or freash air per say.
Get good rest, eating right will help clear your mind.
Take a simple walk, a different route to change your
routine. The strenght is within you.
if you don't belive that..then find a HP that loves
you unconditionally...a group is like a HP.
A good night of sleep dose wonders.
Face you biggest fear...
What are U afraid of the most ? What are you running from ?
Mine was that pain of having to stop loving my GF.
Embrace your pain, welcome it. Cry with all your might.
Tears are telescope into the heart of GOD..some say.
Your tears will also release pioson from your brain and body.
Grieve for you lost of that you hold dearly...the perfect/pure
relationship you hoped for or dream of...it's okay
it was important to you..now it's lost.
If the partner is not around...well, it'll hit you eventaully.lol
Don't fight it...roll with it, There you will find the strenght
you thought you never had.
4 You're not along...Life is unfair..but you're not alone
in this. Life did not single you out to punish you.
it won't lessen the pain you're enduring any.
But the healing process will begin.
Sorry that you're going through this.
of any 12 step program. From a codependent book I read.
Yes each partner should be an entity in a healty relationship.
NO emeshing..but that of sharing the love with one another.
A partnership. Boundaries are for the indiviaual to apply to
him/herself...I tried .lol i failed and failed into enabling.
I can't be a daddy for a grown women forever. It was a roled
I never wanted to played, but to wacth her suffer or having
to face any consiquences made me cringe.
I get too compassionate and start to hold her up...not good.
Then i start to crumble myself. Last resort...a break up.
Even so ..there's the no contact boundaries that i failed
and failed again...it drives me bunkers everytime.
Unlimately I'm licking my own wounds anyways
(love myself. charrish myself).
2. I'm working on it...the mods will tell you :rof
It's okay to feel your anger or resentments (hate)
Couple with LOVING MYSELF. Get in touch with
my dark side..per say. Acknowelging that I'm hurt
I write a lot... I guess. But with my experince with
other alki in my life. it's best to be confronted with
such matters...Alki hates confrontations.
Lay the blame where the blame belongs..no more
confusion. (accountabilities)..no more emeshing blame or
responsiblities.
Not a beat up or soul damaging session.
Just plan communication...a heart to heart talk.
Look me in the eye, look in my soul kind of thing.
If the partner wish not to participate...Follow #1.lol
Now it's the unresolved anger (resentments)
I don't know....chop trees, break stuff, stomp
on your pillow, write 500 pages on SR.lol
It has to come out of you somehow, find a healthy
outlit..don't hurt yourself by all means. Try to not
take it out on others...I had to make 2 applogies today.lol
Forgiveness..not for the partner...but for the
indiviual him/herself holding the anger or resentments.
Self Forgivness than a transition to forgiving the
partner. This process clean each indiviual him/herself.
3 Reach out to others as you are doing how.
Your love tank is dry or the life force has been suck out of you.
Get help and support via a group of people that
can help you HEAL. Contact or a hug from another
human -being aside from your partner will assist you
in this process. Talking to others aside from you
partner will help...A change of thoughts or freash air per say.
Get good rest, eating right will help clear your mind.
Take a simple walk, a different route to change your
routine. The strenght is within you.
if you don't belive that..then find a HP that loves
you unconditionally...a group is like a HP.
A good night of sleep dose wonders.
Face you biggest fear...
What are U afraid of the most ? What are you running from ?
Mine was that pain of having to stop loving my GF.
Embrace your pain, welcome it. Cry with all your might.
Tears are telescope into the heart of GOD..some say.
Your tears will also release pioson from your brain and body.
Grieve for you lost of that you hold dearly...the perfect/pure
relationship you hoped for or dream of...it's okay
it was important to you..now it's lost.
If the partner is not around...well, it'll hit you eventaully.lol
Don't fight it...roll with it, There you will find the strenght
you thought you never had.
4 You're not along...Life is unfair..but you're not alone
in this. Life did not single you out to punish you.
it won't lessen the pain you're enduring any.
But the healing process will begin.
Sorry that you're going through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I have a sponsor, I'm working the steps, and I am focusing on me. For the last 9 months my business has flourished, financially I'm stable, and I have a wonderful relationship with my son. The only area I am suffering is in the love department. It's because we still have the co-dependent relationship financially.
He is not self supporting and feels because I'm doing well...I should take care of him. Meanwhile instead of paying his car payment he will go blow his money on buying junk.
It's silly, I know it. I'm sad because I do love him. We were friends before and now I don't think I can be his friend moving forward. That I need to cut the ties completely to move on. I am mourning the loss of what could have been and the friendship before we had the relationship.
He is not self supporting and feels because I'm doing well...I should take care of him. Meanwhile instead of paying his car payment he will go blow his money on buying junk.
It's silly, I know it. I'm sad because I do love him. We were friends before and now I don't think I can be his friend moving forward. That I need to cut the ties completely to move on. I am mourning the loss of what could have been and the friendship before we had the relationship.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Venus...if your working the steps, sharing, doing service....all the promises will come true for you, just have patience...takes time.
The biggest tool for me to let go of anger and resentments is praying for him. every day, rain or shine, whether I want to or not, even if I swear during prayer.....it saves mr from the intense pain of hate.
good luck, doll, you are healing!
The biggest tool for me to let go of anger and resentments is praying for him. every day, rain or shine, whether I want to or not, even if I swear during prayer.....it saves mr from the intense pain of hate.
good luck, doll, you are healing!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(3. My heart is never in line with me head when it comes to endings. I found the strength in focusing on myself and remembering. I will have to live with only one person the rest of my life.... ME.... therefore I have to take care of that person first. I know what is right and wrong for me, my heart on the other hand will make up every excuse for why the unacceptable is acceptable. I have to trust myself... one of the ways I do this is by asking myself. Would "whatever" be good enough for my daughter???? Would it be ok if a man treated or did to my daughter what is happening to me... if the answer is NO... well, there is my answer, its not good enough for me either.)
Absolutely fabulous Cynay. Why is it so easy to see what is not acceptable for other people in my life- but so hard for me to see for myself?
Thank you Venusinlibra for posting these honest questions. I am learning so much for all of you. P
Absolutely fabulous Cynay. Why is it so easy to see what is not acceptable for other people in my life- but so hard for me to see for myself?
Thank you Venusinlibra for posting these honest questions. I am learning so much for all of you. P
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by venusinlibra
He is not self supporting and feels because I'm doing well...I should take care of him. Meanwhile instead of paying his car payment he will go blow his money on buying junk.
It's silly, I know it.
It's silly, I know it.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry, Venus. I went through the same thing -- I worked hard to educate myself, gathered my courage to quit my soul-sucking job, started my own business, worked long and hard to make it good......and it was like there was a leak in my prosperity, because he felt that because I was doing well (yes, because I was busting my butt) he could just coast. Not pay bills, not help with anything, and worse.
That felt disrespectful, irresponsible, and lazy to me. Not exactly any of the traits on the "relationship for me" A List. My head had to win out on this one, just as it did in my business. It was the key to opening myself to find someone who was right, someone I COULD live the dream with. It was simply impossible with my X...he wasn't interested. But gosh it was hard to come to that decision! I felt so guilty!!
You can be successful in that area of your life too. You just have to apply the same skills & the same passion to finding it and building it....preferably without an alcoholic or a dry drunk.
Hugs and more hugs
GL
That felt disrespectful, irresponsible, and lazy to me. Not exactly any of the traits on the "relationship for me" A List. My head had to win out on this one, just as it did in my business. It was the key to opening myself to find someone who was right, someone I COULD live the dream with. It was simply impossible with my X...he wasn't interested. But gosh it was hard to come to that decision! I felt so guilty!!
You can be successful in that area of your life too. You just have to apply the same skills & the same passion to finding it and building it....preferably without an alcoholic or a dry drunk.
Hugs and more hugs
GL
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