Confused on what to do
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Charleston, SC
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Confused on what to do
I'm 27 and have until very recently been dating the woman I thought that I'd surely marry. She's always been a drinker, but our whole "crowd" are drinkers. Some seem to do it too heavily too often and some, like myself, do it on the weekends, or maybe a beer or glass of wine here or there.
Recently, I caught her lying about flirting with other guys, which she seemed to think was fine, until we talked how it made me feel and why she shouldn't think that it's okay, which she did understand. Once that dialogue began, I began to notice a few other things that I think I just had ignored, like her constant need to drink, her constant "need" for male attention, her out of control spending habit (her family can afford it), and her constant jump from one activity to the next leaving no time to relax or just enjoy the simple things, like she's always in a rush.
The catch with all this, is that in trying to seperate, and asking her to please stop contact so that we may both move on, she broke down about how she can't talk to anyone else about anything, and she doesn't know if she can deal with the reality of the situation (I feel like she never deals with reality at all). Saying that she knows she's going to get horribly depressed if she can't talk to me. While I'm thinking to myself, "isn't that what a breakup is?", but I'm also feeling like I should help her. After thinking about it, she does go to bed drunk almost every night of the week, not ever angry or causing problems, but definitely slurring words and always refusing that she's drunk. If she's not drunk, she's still having a glass of wine, or a beer, never a night without alcohol. It scares me for her. What's worse, is that her group of girlfriends (who are ALL single and have similar issues with men) also seem to drink extremely often, acting like they're just getting the most out of life, like life is a constant chance to party, as if they are still in college, but instead they're 28-30 years old.
I know that she had a hard time in college, because her mother was killed in a care accident, and that she feels like her dad isn't always nice to her, that she's had weight issues, and never feels attractive, and we're both a little co-dependent. Could she have a drinking problem too? I know her sister does have a drinking problem. And it has caused her tremendous troubles.
I just don't know what to do here. We have talked about just taking this time to work on ourselves (b/c we've been fighting a lot over the past two months), and that maybe there is a chance to have the unbelievably great relationship that we used to have. But I worry that she's never going to be able to recover from all of these issues, and I'm the type that always wants to rescue. And at this point, I just want her to be happy, I want the best for her, whether she's with me or not, and she just seems like such a desperate person right now. Everyone is telling me to get out, which I'm sure I probably should do, but is there anything that I can do to help her before I get away from her for a while?
A side note, she is fully aware and even said that she knows she drinks too much too often, and that she does feel a need to get attention from men.
Recently, I caught her lying about flirting with other guys, which she seemed to think was fine, until we talked how it made me feel and why she shouldn't think that it's okay, which she did understand. Once that dialogue began, I began to notice a few other things that I think I just had ignored, like her constant need to drink, her constant "need" for male attention, her out of control spending habit (her family can afford it), and her constant jump from one activity to the next leaving no time to relax or just enjoy the simple things, like she's always in a rush.
The catch with all this, is that in trying to seperate, and asking her to please stop contact so that we may both move on, she broke down about how she can't talk to anyone else about anything, and she doesn't know if she can deal with the reality of the situation (I feel like she never deals with reality at all). Saying that she knows she's going to get horribly depressed if she can't talk to me. While I'm thinking to myself, "isn't that what a breakup is?", but I'm also feeling like I should help her. After thinking about it, she does go to bed drunk almost every night of the week, not ever angry or causing problems, but definitely slurring words and always refusing that she's drunk. If she's not drunk, she's still having a glass of wine, or a beer, never a night without alcohol. It scares me for her. What's worse, is that her group of girlfriends (who are ALL single and have similar issues with men) also seem to drink extremely often, acting like they're just getting the most out of life, like life is a constant chance to party, as if they are still in college, but instead they're 28-30 years old.
I know that she had a hard time in college, because her mother was killed in a care accident, and that she feels like her dad isn't always nice to her, that she's had weight issues, and never feels attractive, and we're both a little co-dependent. Could she have a drinking problem too? I know her sister does have a drinking problem. And it has caused her tremendous troubles.
I just don't know what to do here. We have talked about just taking this time to work on ourselves (b/c we've been fighting a lot over the past two months), and that maybe there is a chance to have the unbelievably great relationship that we used to have. But I worry that she's never going to be able to recover from all of these issues, and I'm the type that always wants to rescue. And at this point, I just want her to be happy, I want the best for her, whether she's with me or not, and she just seems like such a desperate person right now. Everyone is telling me to get out, which I'm sure I probably should do, but is there anything that I can do to help her before I get away from her for a while?
A side note, she is fully aware and even said that she knows she drinks too much too often, and that she does feel a need to get attention from men.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, wanttohelpher, glad you're here!
It may be the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to take the break you are requesting, or break it off.
It might help to consider that the great relationship you had at the beginning was the honeymoon phase of any relationship. What matters now is today, not yesterday, or tomorrow.
You might want to consider Al-Anon; it was one of the best things I did for myself.
Keep posting!
It may be the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to take the break you are requesting, or break it off.
It might help to consider that the great relationship you had at the beginning was the honeymoon phase of any relationship. What matters now is today, not yesterday, or tomorrow.
You might want to consider Al-Anon; it was one of the best things I did for myself.
Keep posting!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi wanttohelpher,
I know you feel like you need to be her rescuer, but sometimes that isn't doing someone any favors.
I know I didn't get over my issues until I was forced to do it for ME. The best help I ever got was someone who suggested I sit down with a counselor/therapist once a week for a few weeks and just talk things through.
That turned into a great thing for me, where over time (not even that much time) I sorted out what was causing the suffering that made me do the things I did, and started to undo the damage.
Nobody did that for me. Nobody could've. I needed to figure it out on my own or else it would never "take." Maybe you could find a way to suggest that -- if she desperately needs to have somebody there to talk to (in between flirting, spending, and getting drunk) maybe it should be a professional, and certainly it should be someone other than you, at this stage of things. You have to recover from this breakup too....you can't be her father confessor and still heal.
You have made a wise move, putting some distance between you until she starts to work on her issues, which sound pretty formidable.
Just my two cents -- I know how hard this is.
I know you feel like you need to be her rescuer, but sometimes that isn't doing someone any favors.
I know I didn't get over my issues until I was forced to do it for ME. The best help I ever got was someone who suggested I sit down with a counselor/therapist once a week for a few weeks and just talk things through.
That turned into a great thing for me, where over time (not even that much time) I sorted out what was causing the suffering that made me do the things I did, and started to undo the damage.
Nobody did that for me. Nobody could've. I needed to figure it out on my own or else it would never "take." Maybe you could find a way to suggest that -- if she desperately needs to have somebody there to talk to (in between flirting, spending, and getting drunk) maybe it should be a professional, and certainly it should be someone other than you, at this stage of things. You have to recover from this breakup too....you can't be her father confessor and still heal.
You have made a wise move, putting some distance between you until she starts to work on her issues, which sound pretty formidable.
Just my two cents -- I know how hard this is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 4
Hey, thanks for the responses, she's talking to a therapist and a seperate psychologist, so hopefully she can figure some things out, and get herself on the right track to being a happier healthier person. The catch? I am still getting phone calls, texts and emails from her. Just got a slew of them this morning. I haven't responded. I think it's due to the fact that I saw her at a mutual friend's super bowl party on Sunday.
Oh, I forgot to mention -- about a week into January, she decided that she'd made a mistake, and that I am the love of her life. When I asked for some time to think (as I was extremely confused and perplexed by this sudden change in attitude), she lost it, got hysterical (literally shaking and trembling, crying) pleading with me, saying that if I take time then I'll decide against it, which is a reason in itself to stay away, because she's trying to get what she wants on her terms. I'm still worried for her, because I know she's still drinking, and afraid to admit that she may need to stop all together, but I finally know that I've got to keep her out of my life, I was torn up for so long, wishing there was something I could do, wanting to do something to help. But I finally (after many many times of giving in, answering the phone, returning emails) realized that there's nothing I can do for her accept push her to do what's right for herself and seek help, and she has started in that direction(now lets hope she stays there and takes it seriously). I miss her wonderful, loving, sweet side terribly, but I certainly don't miss the stresses of an unhealthy relationship.
Thanks so much for the advice, encouragement and thoughts. I greatly appreciate it!
Oh, I forgot to mention -- about a week into January, she decided that she'd made a mistake, and that I am the love of her life. When I asked for some time to think (as I was extremely confused and perplexed by this sudden change in attitude), she lost it, got hysterical (literally shaking and trembling, crying) pleading with me, saying that if I take time then I'll decide against it, which is a reason in itself to stay away, because she's trying to get what she wants on her terms. I'm still worried for her, because I know she's still drinking, and afraid to admit that she may need to stop all together, but I finally know that I've got to keep her out of my life, I was torn up for so long, wishing there was something I could do, wanting to do something to help. But I finally (after many many times of giving in, answering the phone, returning emails) realized that there's nothing I can do for her accept push her to do what's right for herself and seek help, and she has started in that direction(now lets hope she stays there and takes it seriously). I miss her wonderful, loving, sweet side terribly, but I certainly don't miss the stresses of an unhealthy relationship.
Thanks so much for the advice, encouragement and thoughts. I greatly appreciate it!
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
You are not being a bad person by taking care of YOU and letting her go. It sounds like she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with and with her counselor.
It sounds like you have done your very best for her and no...you can't be her "father-confessor" like GiveLove stated. It sounds like you are a "security blanket" for her. I know it is hard. You sound like a great person.
As long as I was involved in my dysfunctional relatives lives, they used me as their counselor...I got sicker...they stayed the same...but they saved alot of money using me as a therapist! I realized that I had made a mistake in allowing them to use me this way...my sick relatives needed professional help...and I was NOT a professional...so I left them alone and stopped answering their phone calls, texts, emails, ect. The trick is not to listen to the messages or read them...just delete.
I have never regretted this decision.
Good luck and keep coming back!
It sounds like you have done your very best for her and no...you can't be her "father-confessor" like GiveLove stated. It sounds like you are a "security blanket" for her. I know it is hard. You sound like a great person.
As long as I was involved in my dysfunctional relatives lives, they used me as their counselor...I got sicker...they stayed the same...but they saved alot of money using me as a therapist! I realized that I had made a mistake in allowing them to use me this way...my sick relatives needed professional help...and I was NOT a professional...so I left them alone and stopped answering their phone calls, texts, emails, ect. The trick is not to listen to the messages or read them...just delete.
I have never regretted this decision.
Good luck and keep coming back!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i think she has a co-occurring mental disorder with her addiction. you might google co-occurring disorders and see if anything rings a bell.
she will find someone to take your place. if you do not want to be with her, she will find another man to attach herself to, and since she is a flirt and a drinker, she will have no problem doing that.
don't feel guilty or responsible for her. nothing you do is going to make her well or whole. she is highly unstable.
i'm sorry things didn't work out the way you'd hoped. it's so hard, when we see such potential. i'm sorry for your hurt.
she will find someone to take your place. if you do not want to be with her, she will find another man to attach herself to, and since she is a flirt and a drinker, she will have no problem doing that.
don't feel guilty or responsible for her. nothing you do is going to make her well or whole. she is highly unstable.
i'm sorry things didn't work out the way you'd hoped. it's so hard, when we see such potential. i'm sorry for your hurt.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
She sounds like an unstable and troubled person. Sad as that is, you have to think of your own future first......this REALLY isn't something you want to be chained to in any way, shape or form.
She also sounds like a very typical manipulative, needy alcoholic personality. If someone suddenly started barraging me with messages like that and came unglued when I didn't agree to start seeing her again........I think I'd run like the wind. She really does need help, from this vantage point anyway.
Best to you, want2helpher. I think you know by now that she has to help herself.
Call us, "want2helpYOU"
She also sounds like a very typical manipulative, needy alcoholic personality. If someone suddenly started barraging me with messages like that and came unglued when I didn't agree to start seeing her again........I think I'd run like the wind. She really does need help, from this vantage point anyway.
Best to you, want2helpher. I think you know by now that she has to help herself.
Call us, "want2helpYOU"
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Originally Posted by want2helpher 
but is there anything that I can do to help her before I get away from her for a while?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
What's worse, is that her group of girlfriends (who are ALL single and have similar issues with men) also seem to drink extremely often, acting like they're just getting the most out of life, like life is a constant chance to party, as if they are still in college, but instead they're 28-30 years old.
I am trying very hard to do that right now. I still at times want to try and wake him up from all this madness but he has pretty much told me that he does not want help.......well some days he does but today was not one of them.
Keep being strong......remember there are other girls out there that don't drink to the excess. I also need to remind myself that there are guys my age that don't drink to the excess!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi want2helpher,
I am reading a bunch of post to get some strength myself. You and I seem to be going through the same thing. I just left my alcoholic bf yesterday for good (I think). He admits to being an alcoholic, but a different kind of one that has choices and can control his drinking. He also claims I'm the love of his life. I realize in some ways that staying enabled him to continue what he was doing. It is the worst thing to be going through. I'm still in the shattered and second guessing myself phase. One thing you said about missing the sweet, fun person really got to me. I miss him terrible, but I don't miss the lies or the chaos he brought either. I also don't know how to deal with the fact that there were so many lies.
I've decided, for now at least, to try to heal from the relationship and stop all contact. He does the same things to me that your gf does to you, except phone calls because I won't answer them. The last time I cut him off like this he showed up at my house. I wish on many days I had been stronger and not answered the door. I hope I can stick to it now.
I am reading a bunch of post to get some strength myself. You and I seem to be going through the same thing. I just left my alcoholic bf yesterday for good (I think). He admits to being an alcoholic, but a different kind of one that has choices and can control his drinking. He also claims I'm the love of his life. I realize in some ways that staying enabled him to continue what he was doing. It is the worst thing to be going through. I'm still in the shattered and second guessing myself phase. One thing you said about missing the sweet, fun person really got to me. I miss him terrible, but I don't miss the lies or the chaos he brought either. I also don't know how to deal with the fact that there were so many lies.
I've decided, for now at least, to try to heal from the relationship and stop all contact. He does the same things to me that your gf does to you, except phone calls because I won't answer them. The last time I cut him off like this he showed up at my house. I wish on many days I had been stronger and not answered the door. I hope I can stick to it now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 4
Hey all, thanks for your kind words!
Things are going pretty nicely these days. I've been focusing on work much more (which has been really good), and all the stuff I did before my life with her, which to tell you the truth, was a lot of stuff. I'm just now realizing how much stuff (cooking, reading, art, music, sports, exercising, friends, getting involved in community organizations, etc) I left behind while being wrapped up in the constant social choas that was ... dating her. It's almost hard to believe how much stuff I love that I let just kind of fizzle away, stuff that makes me, well, me(feel a little cheesy writing that but it's true). So it's all been really good, and to tell you the truth, really relaxing, well, work isn't relaxing, but things are much smoother, my mind's more at ease, and life is good!
I do still talk to her now and then, and the "craziness" of our communication has also subsided (thank God), granted, she still thinks we'll get back together months down the road, but I reeeally don't see that happening. I love the girl to death, but I mean, come on, are you kidding me!?
Oh, I feel that I should point out to DESIGNER, that I do go out on the weekends, I actually was doing the weeknight thing a couple times (even the all hours part, NOT GOOD) in early January, probably to deal with the breakup and her acting so irrational and unpredictable.
I do go out on weekends, the difference is that I don't get hassled to do it like it's my 21st birthday every night. There's something to be said for getting in bed by 12(or earlier), waking up with a clear head, and enjoying a full next day instead of waking up in the afternoon and waiting for the day to end so you can start drinking again. Of course, not being told you're "no fun" because you'd rather cook up some good food, hang out at home and take it easy is not to bad either -- two scenarios I don't have to deal with from a significant other anymore.
The only thing I can think of as maybe some advice to those of you who have posted on this thread, is that the communication thing is pretty vital. I know, you're thinking, "easy for you, you still talk to her". Which is true. The difference, is I have an easier time talking to her, becaues I'm removed from all the chaotic junk going on in that life of hers. And once you realize that (at least for me) it slowly became easier to deal with.
Thinking of myself as "fun single guy" instead of (insert woman's name)'s boyfriend, or that I can do whatever I want with my time now helped I suppose, although it was weird at first. I started to realize that although she was such a sweet woman, so wonderful to talk to and so much fun to be with, and of course the unbelievable sex (hope that wasn't too much information) -- life is actually much, much easier without her around. MUCH easier. It's almost crazy how much, despite so many wonderful things. Once I got to that point, I started feeling better.
Things are going pretty nicely these days. I've been focusing on work much more (which has been really good), and all the stuff I did before my life with her, which to tell you the truth, was a lot of stuff. I'm just now realizing how much stuff (cooking, reading, art, music, sports, exercising, friends, getting involved in community organizations, etc) I left behind while being wrapped up in the constant social choas that was ... dating her. It's almost hard to believe how much stuff I love that I let just kind of fizzle away, stuff that makes me, well, me(feel a little cheesy writing that but it's true). So it's all been really good, and to tell you the truth, really relaxing, well, work isn't relaxing, but things are much smoother, my mind's more at ease, and life is good!
I do still talk to her now and then, and the "craziness" of our communication has also subsided (thank God), granted, she still thinks we'll get back together months down the road, but I reeeally don't see that happening. I love the girl to death, but I mean, come on, are you kidding me!?
Oh, I feel that I should point out to DESIGNER, that I do go out on the weekends, I actually was doing the weeknight thing a couple times (even the all hours part, NOT GOOD) in early January, probably to deal with the breakup and her acting so irrational and unpredictable.
I do go out on weekends, the difference is that I don't get hassled to do it like it's my 21st birthday every night. There's something to be said for getting in bed by 12(or earlier), waking up with a clear head, and enjoying a full next day instead of waking up in the afternoon and waiting for the day to end so you can start drinking again. Of course, not being told you're "no fun" because you'd rather cook up some good food, hang out at home and take it easy is not to bad either -- two scenarios I don't have to deal with from a significant other anymore.
The only thing I can think of as maybe some advice to those of you who have posted on this thread, is that the communication thing is pretty vital. I know, you're thinking, "easy for you, you still talk to her". Which is true. The difference, is I have an easier time talking to her, becaues I'm removed from all the chaotic junk going on in that life of hers. And once you realize that (at least for me) it slowly became easier to deal with.
Thinking of myself as "fun single guy" instead of (insert woman's name)'s boyfriend, or that I can do whatever I want with my time now helped I suppose, although it was weird at first. I started to realize that although she was such a sweet woman, so wonderful to talk to and so much fun to be with, and of course the unbelievable sex (hope that wasn't too much information) -- life is actually much, much easier without her around. MUCH easier. It's almost crazy how much, despite so many wonderful things. Once I got to that point, I started feeling better.
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