Pajarito

Hi everyone. I've been lurking for the past 3 months. I am grateful for all of your stories. You've all given me a lot to think about. I've wanted to post for a while to get my story out and to also respond to some of yours. My story is like some of yours-crazy how textbook so much of it is. My husband is an alcoholic. There were red flags about 3 years into our marriage. We've been together 17 years/married 12. We have a beautiful 10-yearold daughter whom I have tried to shield from his problems, but it is starting to really come apart, and I'm now dealing with a separation and feeling very close to making that leap to a divorce.

3 months ago my husband decided he wanted a separation. He was tired of me trying to control him, thinks I don't like him, that I've never liked who he is, he could quit drinking whenever he wanted to, blah, blah, blah. A lot of what he was dumping on me was crap- and I took it all on, but I also feel like I hit my bottom and started to really see that some of what he said was true. Can we all say CONTROL???

A year ago after my AH drove with our daughter while he was drunk I gave him an ultimatum- go get help or leave. He resents me for "making him go to treatment." I know now that ultimatums are not a great idea, but I did what I thought was best for me and our daughter. Oh- how much I would have done differently had I known. Back to 3 months ago- At that time I had been going to al-anon for a year, but going mostly with my teeth clenched and not really fully getting it. I would have done whatever I could to get him to come home. Now I am a completely different person. I've done a lot of soul searching, and I am owning my part in this- BUT I do not want to go back to living the way we were. It was chaos/insanity- for a good 3+ years. Now that I have distance I do not want him home. He's still behaving like a crazy person- if he isn't drinking, he sure acts like he is. Supposedly he had not had a drink since he completed out-patient treatment a year ago. Looking back, though I realize how hellish living with him was. I now know he didn't take treatment seriously- he's behaved like a dry drunk. He hates AA, so at this time I have no hope for us. He's behaving like he wants me to do all the work in the marriage- see the error of my ways and take him back and accept him for who he is. Well, I've taken this time to work on myself- and I will continue to do that- go to a counselor, al-anon- which I now go to gratefully, books, books and more books- and you people. One other sticking point I am dealing with- 9 years ago he had an emotional affair with a classmate and recently I found he's doing the same with a co-worker. He's been unremorseful and very hurtful with some of his comments regarding both. But he says he wants to work on things with me. He's giving me nothing to work with, and I am disgusted- with myself for putting up with his crap and with him for his arrogance. I also feel sad and sorry for him, but not enough to take him back. I want a peaceful life.

The fork in the road is where I am. I am continuing to work on myself so I can be peaceful and a good mom. I'm also preparing (slowly) for the worst- divorce. I'm just scared. If any of you have any insight on this- how you got through it, how you dealt with your children. . . please throw it out there. I used to think I was staying in our marriage for my daughter, but I kept wondering what about me??? I have felt like I was starving for so long. My house is peaceful now, and I am "alone", but I feel like I have an opportunity- and funny thing, my AH gave it to me. My counselor thinks it's a gift. I understand that, but right now everything feels hard. I hope one day I will truly feel like he gave me a gift. Knowing who I was 3 months ago I am sure I'd still be beating my head against a wall trying to figure out how to live with him. Enough of that.

Thank you all. This (SR) is an amazing place.

CatsPajamas

(((pajarito)))

Lots of good suggestions above me. Just keep in mind that your daughter is learning what marriage looks like by watching you and your husband. That was the motivation I needed to get out of an abusive situation, and my sons are much the better for it.

Besos y abrazos
Cats

ARealLady

Cats' comment reminded me of my own decision making process when my marriage was ending. I wasn't married to an A but I knew that, in light of what had happened in my marriage, staying would send a negative message to our sons about what was and was not acceptable by most societal standards. My estranged-H was a philanderer and he had learned this behaviour from his own father at a time when women were just supposed to accept that men did those things. Well, I didn't want our sons to think that behaviour was normal or acceptable....so I left. It hasn't been easy economically but we have survived. I've let our sons create their own relationship with their father and, in the meantime, I am moving on with my life.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

ARL