hope-faith

OK, someone help me here. I've been learning everything I can about detachment, including the stickies, Al-anon and reading "Co-Dependent No More." And I'm having trouble understanding the long-term benefits of detachment. It seems to me that detachment can only be healthy for a non-alcoholic if it is a temporary fix in an alcoholic relationship. When we detach from the actions of an A (drinking, lying, stealing, adultery, manipulation, etc.), we are, in a sense, ceasing to acknowledge that the negative action is taking place, which is in itself a form of denial. We know they are drinking, we know they are cheating...but we are not going to address it, think about it, worry about it, deal with it. We are ignoring it as it is not our responsibility, but their's. So, if we use detachment to buy us time to make plans, I can see its benefit for helping someone to cope until those changes have taken place.

But if we use detachment long-term, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? Aren't we just playing a mind game with ourselves until we finally have to deal with the problem at hand? At some point, the very things we are detaching ourselves from will have to be dealt with. Otherwise, we're living in an unhealthy denial.

denny57

To me detachment is acknowledging I have no control over someone else, not that I approve of their behavior or ignore it. It allows me to concentrate on what is best for me.

MsPINKAcres

For me - detachment really has nothing to do with the actions of others - it is all about me.

Because my co-dependency can get me so enmeshed in other people's stuff - good or bad that I forget all about MY stuff. I am so involved in another person's actions, drama, good fortune or __________, that I don't take care of my responsibilities.

In detachment, I have learned that I take my focus off of others and put it back on me.

If the alcoholics/addicts in my life are sober & doing an awesome program of recovery - I still need to detach and take care of myself, not let all my life revolve around their sobriety. If my loved ones are stealing, cheating, etc. - I really, really need to take care of myself - because in detaching from them I am able to take care of myself and then make healthy choices about what is right for ME in all situations.

For me, the only thing detachment & denial have in common is that they both start with the letter "d". (lol)
I can't detach from something that I am denying is happening. Therefore I acknowledge it and seperate myself from the matter at hand in order process the best options for me.

Just my e, s, & h,

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

DetachMe9

Hope-faith: I right there with you. Some days, the concept and practice of detachment seem crystal-clear to me. Other days, I'm very confused and angry about whether I'm following AlAnon approved guidelines for un-enabling behaviors. I guess detachment (on a good day) for me is when I can see and feel entirely that my AH's alcoholism and all of his associated behaviors are not caused by me, can't be controlled or cured by me. He often SEEMS to change his behavior when I do something different, or even tell me himself that X will happen if I do Y. This is where things get tricky for me. I want to believe that this is reality so badly, that I'll buy into it over and over again. I think my desire to buy into it is that it would mean I could somehow impact his overcoming his addiction. My reading of AlAnon literature gets confused when I think like this, too. I'll read some small tidbit that may refer to "helping" the alcoholic, or how something I'm doing/not doing could interfere with him finding recovery sooner. These things are easy for me to take as giving me actual make-or-break power over his drinking.

It's also very difficult for me to discern if what I'm doing is enabling or just working my program. For example: AH is in our (jointly owned) house currently while I'm staying in a guest house a few miles away. He had started actively drinking again, refused to leave, and so I left - telling him I was getting away for myself and wouldn't live with him not in recovery. He's been drunk maybe 5 times in the month I've been gone, but otherwise "functioning" in every other way. Working again, cleans house, grocery shops, feeds the cats, does household chores, etc. Yet he is still not going back to AA or any other recovery program/lifestyle. I wanted to watch the music awards show last night on our big TV with my cat in my lap; I had determined this is what would make me happy yesterday after an AlAnon meeting and so decided to do just that. We ate and watched the show together, after which I went back to the guest house. No problems, other than his usual nonverbal pissiness when I left.

Is this enabling? Was I detached? What happens when I have to come home next week because I'm out of money to pay for the guest house and he'll still be in no recovery (pretty much guaranteed)? Am I still living with active alcoholism if he's decided not to get drunk but hasn't embraced recovery? I know for certain that continuing to stay at the guest house with the assumption that the longer I stay, the better chance he has of getting sober is bullsh*t. I just have to continually remind myself that I have to think/do for myself independently, even when I'm married. This is the final frontier for me.

SaTiT

For me short term detachment will stop the cycle as in acceptence.

For me, the long term detachment hopefully will get me into posistive
actions and working on myself and the follow through part. And hopefully
get beyound it.

The longterm detachment also is the same as the shorterm ,becuase
the cycle is also in short term and long term. The reverlution or cycle
sometimes is in a day or a week..sometimes the cycle is in months
or years.

geranerally there will be a spike in short term...such as studies
in people that win the lotos...they will be happy for a while, but
some find themselves in the same mess or even in dept after a couple
of years. As they settle back to their old behavior pattern or life
style.

Kind of like a calm lake gernerally the water is calm
but very so often there will stroms and the water get's merkey.
The storm will effect the the lake on the surface...but
it dosn't effect the current underneath (long term)

the long term detachments helps me with this becuase it dosn't
happen over nite. kind of like this...
actions develope habits.
habits develope charector or traits.

long term is like a mental shift..
kind of like what i've reading " i get it"..
even thou I'm awaer I don't quit get it or grasp it. i'm willing to wanna grasp it.

there's differnent types of denial.. i think that's what you're trying to identify.

My sponsor drilled this into my head ... APPROPRIATE

mamajama

I think you need to figure what the goal is behind detachment. If your goal is to try to influence the behavior of someone else, then it is not really detachment. If you goal is to provide yourself with more peace and serenity, it is detachment. I have to monitor my behavior very carefully because I have a tendency to want to control or change the behavior of the alcoholic with my actions. (If I do "A" then he will do "B".) It almost never works and I am in worse shape than I was before. We are powerless over anyone but ourselves. Hugs.

justjo

For me, detachment meant Acceptance.
Accepting that I cant change their situation because they dont want to. Then I decided, I am certainly going to change mine.

GiveLove

Learning detachment is probably the single most precious skill I have learned in this lifetime, and I was forced to learn it by alcoholism.

It's all about me - creating an inner landscape where I'm focusing on my own goals and dreams and wishes and growth. And letting go of everyone else's...they have to handle their own.

It's letting go of the push-me pull-you mentality that we seem to have as people - that I ought to be able to behave in ABC fashion in order to nudge you into feeling/acting/behaving in XYZ fashion, no matter if it's a bumpy marriage, road rage, letters to the editor, mouthwash commercials, withholding attention/affection, whatever.

It's not about putting up with terrible treatment. It's not about condoning bad things. It's all about separating your mind & spirit long enough to focus on you. From that quiet place of detachment, I could finally take stock of whether my situation was bringing me happiness, where I wanted to go in the 80-odd years I've got to spend here, and what kind of a person I wanted to be remembered as....for me, regardless of what "he" chose to do with his 80.