new to forum... still angry & mistrustful
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oregon
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new to forum... still angry & mistrustful
Hi--
My A husband of 6 years has just moved back in with me after a 4 week separation. I threw him out after finding pot on my coffee table and (finally) figuring out that he was drinking all the time.
He moved in with friends, started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, got a second job and basically begged to move back in. I still have/had strong feelings for him and agreed to let him move back in after we discussed my 2 page list of worries, and lists what I wanted our relationship to be like, etc. We are working together to unravel all of the debt that he got us into without my knowledge or consent and to take care of the myriad of other issues this last year of his slide into major alcoholism has caused.
He defintely seems to be trying to follow through on his word now, but he was such a great liar that I don't really trust him. We are headed to counseling ASAP, but now that he is actually back in, I find myself more stressed than when he was gone. He wants to help me in my business, etc. but then he can't seem to get things right or finished. A simple project turns into a complicated one that he refuses to give up on because he has promised "to follow through."
I've been divorced before & feel confident that I know how to rebuild my life without him, but am not sure that I can rebuild my life with him. The anger, the distrust -- it just seems to be too difficult... Can anyone ever get past/through this stuff with their spouse?
Any thoughts?
My A husband of 6 years has just moved back in with me after a 4 week separation. I threw him out after finding pot on my coffee table and (finally) figuring out that he was drinking all the time.
He moved in with friends, started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, got a second job and basically begged to move back in. I still have/had strong feelings for him and agreed to let him move back in after we discussed my 2 page list of worries, and lists what I wanted our relationship to be like, etc. We are working together to unravel all of the debt that he got us into without my knowledge or consent and to take care of the myriad of other issues this last year of his slide into major alcoholism has caused.
He defintely seems to be trying to follow through on his word now, but he was such a great liar that I don't really trust him. We are headed to counseling ASAP, but now that he is actually back in, I find myself more stressed than when he was gone. He wants to help me in my business, etc. but then he can't seem to get things right or finished. A simple project turns into a complicated one that he refuses to give up on because he has promised "to follow through."
I've been divorced before & feel confident that I know how to rebuild my life without him, but am not sure that I can rebuild my life with him. The anger, the distrust -- it just seems to be too difficult... Can anyone ever get past/through this stuff with their spouse?
Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
Welcome to sober recovery. You will find many words of wisdom in these threads. and many wonderful members too!
Why dont you keep your business to yourself, so you have something for you. Let him spend more time focusing on his own issues.
misslisa
Why dont you keep your business to yourself, so you have something for you. Let him spend more time focusing on his own issues.
misslisa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
thanks for the reply and the welcome. My h is not involved at all in day to day operation -- I just had a couple of "handyman" projects I needed help with . I ended up calling friends to fix the mistakes -- and I guess I am wondering what it means for us if I feel like I have to manage my life as if I were single. If i can't count on him sober or drunk -- how will we ever move forward?
thanks again!
thanks again!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by seeking_advice 
Hi--
My A husband of 6 years has just moved back in with me after a 4 week separation. I threw him out after finding pot on my coffee table and (finally) figuring out that he was drinking all the time.
He moved in with friends, started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, got a second job and basically begged to move back in. I still have/had strong feelings for him and agreed to let him move back in after we discussed my 2 page list of worries, and lists what I wanted our relationship to be like, etc. We are working together to unravel all of the debt that he got us into without my knowledge or consent and to take care of the myriad of other issues this last year of his slide into major alcoholism has caused.
He defintely seems to be trying to follow through on his word now, but he was such a great liar that I don't really trust him.
I've been divorced before & feel confident that I know how to rebuild my life without him, but am not sure that I can rebuild my life with him. The anger, the distrust -- it just seems to be too difficult... Can anyone ever get past/through this stuff with their spouse?
Any thoughts?
My A husband of 6 years has just moved back in with me after a 4 week separation. I threw him out after finding pot on my coffee table and (finally) figuring out that he was drinking all the time.
He moved in with friends, started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, got a second job and basically begged to move back in. I still have/had strong feelings for him and agreed to let him move back in after we discussed my 2 page list of worries, and lists what I wanted our relationship to be like, etc. We are working together to unravel all of the debt that he got us into without my knowledge or consent and to take care of the myriad of other issues this last year of his slide into major alcoholism has caused.
He defintely seems to be trying to follow through on his word now, but he was such a great liar that I don't really trust him.
I've been divorced before & feel confident that I know how to rebuild my life without him, but am not sure that I can rebuild my life with him. The anger, the distrust -- it just seems to be too difficult... Can anyone ever get past/through this stuff with their spouse?
Any thoughts?
I hope that you don't take offense with my following comments, but the only way we can move forward in this life is by being honest with ourselves and with others. You are expressing that you are still feeling anger and distrust and that it just seems to be too difficult, yet you let him move back in with you after only 4 weeks. Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you go slowly and let him prove himself to you before you take this big leap of faith with him by letting him move back in? Let him pay back some of the debt he ran up while he was drinking. Let him prove to you that he can string some months of sobriety together. Let him prove to you that he no longer thinks like an alcoholic, because if he does, I guarantee you that he is going to relapse.
If he wasn't living with you, and he doesn't prove to you that he has changed, you could always end the relationship without having to throw him out again. I don't understand why you did what you did, but that's just my two cents. I can sometimes be a little harsh so please forgive me if I am coming across that way here.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oregon
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no, that's a very good point. I actually had a bit of a meltdown the day he came back. So, I guess the answer to that question is that I was feeling some pressure to "help" get him out of my friend's home and a lot of financial pressure -- so it seemed silly to have him get an apartment, sign a lease etc when we we need the money so badly to fix the financial mess.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
If you believe that he will change, that things will get better, then I say just stick with him through it. He may need a bit of help, he may need you to encourage him, guide him etc. marriage is a commitment right "through sickness and health"
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by seeking_advice
no, that's a very good point. I actually had a bit of a meltdown the day he came back. So, I guess the answer to that question is that I was feeling some pressure to "help" get him out of my friend's home and a lot of financial pressure -- so it seemed silly to have him get an apartment, sign a lease etc when we we need the money so badly to fix the financial mess.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope it works out for you and please keep us updated how things are going. I know of nothing more regressive than addiction. I became addicted to drugs and alcohol when I was 14 back in the 60's. Sex, drugs and rock and roll is what I lived for, and as a result, I soon found myself out on the street at 17 without a high school education and no father figure in my life as a mentor. Despite all that I had going against me, I managed to get sober. I cleaned up my life, got married, and had three children who are now 24, 21, and 18. It sounds like a storybook ending, doesn't it? It's not.
Addiction is an insidious disease, and if it doesn't get you one way, it's going to try to get you some other way. If it doesn't get you coming, it's going to try to get you going. I had a relapse into full blown dysfunctional addiction, only this time it wasn't alcohol or drugs. Does it really matter what the addiction is? Not really. If addiction were a man, I would kill him with a blunt sword and then pray to God to resurrect him so I could kill him again. There is nothing in this world that I hate more.
I am going to leave you with an insight into addiction that few people understand. When people first become addicts, their main problem is addiction. However, as time goes on, addicts lose their integrity. They lie, they break their promises, and they betray their trusts. This is, by far, the greatest loss a human being can suffer from in this life, and it's a very heavy price to pay to be an addict. I would rather lose my job, my wealth, my health, even my family than lose my integrity.
Therefore, if we want to successfully treat addiction, we have to realize that the main problem is no longer an addiction problem, but an integrity problem. I am not saying that addiction is no longer a problem and that abstinence isn't important. What I am saying is that there is a far greater problem - the problem of integrity - and if that problem is solved, the problem of addiction will be solved.
You may have to suffer through relapses with your husband, and you probably will, but make it very clear to him from the beginning that you cannot and will not suffer with him from a relapse of integrity loss. Addicts are secretive people so make him promise to you that if he ever touches a drop of alcohol, you want him to come forward and tell you. Don't blame him or shame him, but rather tell him that you appreciate his honesty and that you want to be a partner in his recovery. By doing this, you are building his integrity. He may have relapsed, but he didn't lie to you. OTOH, if you choose to give him an ultimatum that if he ever uses alcohol again you are going to kick him to the curb, what is he going to do if he ever relapses? You get my point. You want to restore his integrity and get him to understand that that is the price of addiction. If he understands the price he is paying, he will completely stop. I have been rambling enough, ergo, so long for now.
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Originally Posted by ccirider
Addicts are secretive people so make him promise to you that if he ever touches a drop of alcohol, you want him to come forward and tell you.
You want to restore his integrity
and get him to understand that that is the price of addiction.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
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Even though I still love XABF, I don't trust him enough to let him in my life, let alone my home.
It's all about me and what I find acceptable in my life, not what XABF is doing to recover. No one is going to protect me from people I can't trust, except me.
In the past, I got hurt because I chose to open my life to people who should not have been in my life and chose to find unacceptable things acceptable, not because I was a victim of the alcoholic.
It's all about me and what I find acceptable in my life, not what XABF is doing to recover. No one is going to protect me from people I can't trust, except me.
In the past, I got hurt because I chose to open my life to people who should not have been in my life and chose to find unacceptable things acceptable, not because I was a victim of the alcoholic.
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Addicts are secretive people so make him promise to you that if he ever touches a drop of alcohol, you want him to come forward and tell you.
Excuse me? How do I get a secretive person to come forward and tell me ANYTHING?
Edit statement to read: Addicts tend to be secretive people so make him promise to you that if he ever touches a drop of alcohol, you want him to come forward and tell you.
You want to restore his integrity
I cannot restore anyone's integrity; he or she must do that on their own.
Edited to read: You want his integrity to be restored.
and get him to understand that that is the price of addiction.
I cannot get anyone, especially an addict, to understand anything. That is up to them.
Edited to read: You want him to understand that that is the price of addiction.
I am assuming that she does want her husbands integrity restored and does want him to understand the price of addiction. Thanks for the needed corrections. If you think of anything else, let me know.
Excuse me? How do I get a secretive person to come forward and tell me ANYTHING?
Edit statement to read: Addicts tend to be secretive people so make him promise to you that if he ever touches a drop of alcohol, you want him to come forward and tell you.
You want to restore his integrity
I cannot restore anyone's integrity; he or she must do that on their own.
Edited to read: You want his integrity to be restored.
and get him to understand that that is the price of addiction.
I cannot get anyone, especially an addict, to understand anything. That is up to them.
Edited to read: You want him to understand that that is the price of addiction.
I am assuming that she does want her husbands integrity restored and does want him to understand the price of addiction. Thanks for the needed corrections. If you think of anything else, let me know.
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cc - I also would like to see every addict's integrity restored and have them understand the price of addiction. I personally went blue in the face trying to get someone else, AH, to see and understand that. From my experience with my own recovery I have learned say it once and let go. Recovery comes from within.
Take what you like and leave the rest. ((()))
Take what you like and leave the rest. ((()))
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by cagefree
Even though I still love XABF, I don't trust him enough to let him in my life, let alone my home.
It's all about me and what I find acceptable in my life, not what XABF is doing to recover. No one is going to protect me from people I can't trust, except me.
In the past, I got hurt because I chose to open my life to people who should not have been in my life and chose to find unacceptable things acceptable, not because I was a victim of the alcoholic.
It's all about me and what I find acceptable in my life, not what XABF is doing to recover. No one is going to protect me from people I can't trust, except me.
In the past, I got hurt because I chose to open my life to people who should not have been in my life and chose to find unacceptable things acceptable, not because I was a victim of the alcoholic.
If you read the thread, you will find that I did question her letting him back into the house. The fact is he is back in the house so what advice do you have for the lady since that is what she is asking for? How is telling her that you wouldn't let your XABF back in your life supposed to help her? Do you have any advice for her now that he is back in the house?
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Originally Posted by seeking_advice
no, that's a very good point. I actually had a bit of a meltdown the day he came back. So, I guess the answer to that question is that I was feeling some pressure to "help" get him out of my friend's home and a lot of financial pressure -- so it seemed silly to have him get an apartment, sign a lease etc when we we need the money so badly to fix the financial mess.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
I did feel a bit bulldozed, no question, but of course I wanted it to all work out and he was/ is doing all the things I had wanted him to do for a long time. Aaarggh, I screwed up and caved, I admit it. He will leave if I ask him to, but that will probably be it for the marriage.
I guess I would figure what my current boundaries are and enforce them. That may mean asking him to leave again. It may not. Figure out what your current situation leads you to need.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by denny57
cc - I also would like to see every addict's integrity restored and have them understand the price of addiction. I personally went blue in the face trying to get someone else, AH, to see and understand that.
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Originally Posted by ccirider
Hi Cagefree:
If you read the thread, you will find that I did question her letting him back into the house. The fact is he is back in the house so what advice do you have for the lady since that is what she is asking for? How is telling her that you wouldn't let your XABF back in your life supposed to help her? Do you have any advice for her now that he is back in the house?
If you read the thread, you will find that I did question her letting him back into the house. The fact is he is back in the house so what advice do you have for the lady since that is what she is asking for? How is telling her that you wouldn't let your XABF back in your life supposed to help her? Do you have any advice for her now that he is back in the house?
I don't give advice - I'm not qualified. I share my experiences.
Take what you like, leave the rest.
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Originally Posted by cagefree
ccirider - I'm not sure why you think my post was directed at you.
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Okay folks, enough bickering with each other. Kindly limit your posts exclusively to your personal experience, just like it says in the Big Book. Only licensed health care professionals can give advice or direction. If you have questions about this policy please read these
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eer-staff.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I am closing this thread as the discussion has been hijacked away from the original posters questions.
Mike
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eer-staff.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I am closing this thread as the discussion has been hijacked away from the original posters questions.
Mike
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