Ivybridge

Thanks for all the advice with my other post. While I still haven't heard anything from my ABF I have remained in close contact with his mother. She finally heard from him yesterday and he says he's trying to detox at home with the meds they gave him in the hospital. He did pass on a message that he'd be in contact when he was doing better... what could I expect if he is indeed quitting? From what I understand he has been an alcoholic since he was a young teenager and has only had about 6 years sobriety. He's 40 and has been on a hard binge for 2 months now... I know for the past 8 months he's only had about 2 months where he didn't drink heavy every day but he only cut it back to 2-4 times a week then. So as you can see he's into this really bad drinking during from the time he woke to the time he went to bed or passed out, every day.
I want to be there for him and if he's really trying to regain sobriety I don't feel now is the time to discuss our problems or what has happened since he left here. I want him to focus on himself as his sobriety is more important than anything that has happened in the past. I don't understand why he hasn't called me though... if he's been detoxing for 3-4 days shouldn't he be ok to give me a short call? Or is it maybe he's just afraid to call for fear of what I'll say? What other things will he be going through and for how long?
How can I be there for him if/when he needs me without letting my codie side take over? I need to find strength, it's almost like I'm under a spell or something with him. I was so mad at what he's done but the mere mention of him sending me a message made me feel better... hopeful. At least he's still a couple of states away but I'm still scared I'll not be strong enough to do what's best for me.

Thanks so much for listening!

Barbara52

Could be he's just trying to hang on and hasn't given a thought to any body else at all.


Your codies side is operating just fine it seems to me. You have basically written a post all about how you want to save him.

When and if he wants your support or help or just to talk, he konws how to reach you.

denny57

If you're serious about his recovery being the most important thing, let it play out the way it must.

Al-Anon helped me enormously.

ARealLady

I don't understand why he hasn't called me though... if he's been detoxing for 3-4 days shouldn't he be ok to give me a short call? Or is it maybe he's just afraid to call for fear of what I'll say? What other things will he be going through and for how long?


Ivy....a good informative board to read here is the Alcoholism one where there are various "stickys" about de-toxing and quitting plus everyday threads. From what I gather, once the A has decided to quit, the A is fully focussed on quitting and dealing with both the physical and mental side effects of quitting. I think quitting has to be self-centered.....a sort of positive selfishness.

Our pal Melody Beattie explains in Beyond Co-dependency that an A is NOT a good person to be in a relationship with until he/she has been soberly working a programme for at least a year. The more I read on this forum, the more I understand WHY it has to be like that.

I told XABF that I was going no contact until such a time as he has worked a 12 step programme for at least a year. I had to reinforce that ultimatum nearly two weeks ago and, since then, I noticed only one call from him on my phone and that call would have made it late night where he lives meaning.....he had to have been drinking. The silence kills you initially because you wonder if they really are going to AA and you want to share their return to sobriety. Unfortunately we aren't invited on that journey because it's one they have to make on their own.

So....what are you doing for YOU these days? That's what's most important?

ARL

Ivybridge

Thanks... the better I think I'm doing I notice the more codie I actually am.

I want the very best for him and I want him to make his sobriety first. I'm also not sure I want a relationship with him anymore but I do want to be there for him if he needs a friend. I understand the 1 year recommendation... when I was losing my weight I finally started thinking I was doing well, feeling confident and start dating. By doing this I took the focus off myself and put it onto others and in the process I lost myself again regaining some back. I needed that time to fully work on myself the same as I can see in recovering from any addiction. So is it better to cut all contact or to be there as a friend? Is it even possible to be just a friend?

I am trying to take care of myself, I've been regaining all the focus I lost on myself and treating myself well. I'm feeling much better, finding my happiness again and I'm proud haven't tried to contact him.