Is a new relationship a good idea?
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Is a new relationship a good idea?
I’m sure this sorry isn’t new or interesting, but I really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for about 8 months. She was open and up front with her alcoholism right from the start. She was in AA and had been sober for 8 months when we met. She felt good about dating me, as I am a non-drinker, even though it was against the AA rules to date so soon. After starting to date me for a short time she decided to leave AA as she did not feel it was doing anything for her. She also decided that she was not an alcoholic and could have a drink or two. I went out with her once. It did not go well at all.
Months have gone by and she had been doing pretty well, until recently. In the last couple weeks things have changed. She has gone out and drank until she was “black out” drunk a few times. Obviously, this bothers me a great deal. It seems the more I encourage her to get more help and not to drink, the more she wants to go in the other direction. She is seeing a therapist, but I have my concerns about how much that is helping.
She broke up with me last week. I was terribly upset. I am really falling for this girl. The next day she told me that she didn’t really want to break up with me. She just really wanted to go to the bar and knew I would not approve. I took her back.
She went out Thursday and got “black out” drunk again. She was surprised when I wanted to talk about it yesterday. She said that she could not control herself and that she needed to hit rock bottom before she would get any real help. I don’t know if this relationship is doing her any good or if it’s just hurting her.
I really want to be supportive, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to sit back and watch this happen. At the same time, I know there isn’t anything I can do. So, my options are be there or don’t be there.
What should I do?
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for about 8 months. She was open and up front with her alcoholism right from the start. She was in AA and had been sober for 8 months when we met. She felt good about dating me, as I am a non-drinker, even though it was against the AA rules to date so soon. After starting to date me for a short time she decided to leave AA as she did not feel it was doing anything for her. She also decided that she was not an alcoholic and could have a drink or two. I went out with her once. It did not go well at all.
Months have gone by and she had been doing pretty well, until recently. In the last couple weeks things have changed. She has gone out and drank until she was “black out” drunk a few times. Obviously, this bothers me a great deal. It seems the more I encourage her to get more help and not to drink, the more she wants to go in the other direction. She is seeing a therapist, but I have my concerns about how much that is helping.
She broke up with me last week. I was terribly upset. I am really falling for this girl. The next day she told me that she didn’t really want to break up with me. She just really wanted to go to the bar and knew I would not approve. I took her back.
She went out Thursday and got “black out” drunk again. She was surprised when I wanted to talk about it yesterday. She said that she could not control herself and that she needed to hit rock bottom before she would get any real help. I don’t know if this relationship is doing her any good or if it’s just hurting her.
I really want to be supportive, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to sit back and watch this happen. At the same time, I know there isn’t anything I can do. So, my options are be there or don’t be there.
What should I do?
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, chidave. my daughter is an alcoholic/coke addict. she has never been able to control her drinking or using - she can't stop once she starts and blacks out as well. then the episodes get closer together. and things go downhill fast.
alcoholism is a progressive disease.
have you thought about going to alanon? it helps me.
remember this about her drinking - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. that's the 3 c's of alanon. there's a 4th, and that one is about the choices you have as to how you allow her drinking to affect your life.
keep posting! and i'll pray your girlfriend finds her way back to aa..
k
alcoholism is a progressive disease.
have you thought about going to alanon? it helps me.
remember this about her drinking - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. that's the 3 c's of alanon. there's a 4th, and that one is about the choices you have as to how you allow her drinking to affect your life.
keep posting! and i'll pray your girlfriend finds her way back to aa..
k
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 9
Concerns...
k,
What is the best way to handle things with her? When she goes out drinking she generally returns home very depressed and has hurt herself on occasion. Do I go running to her and take care of her? Do I not go and condemn her behavior?
After she goes out drinking, do I try to talk to her about it or do I just ignore it? Do I encourage her to get more help?
She really didn't get much out of AA. She liked the sponsor relationship, but she did not like the meetings. She usually came home after the meetings kind of upset about how uncomfortable she is there.
Thank you for your input.
Dave.
What is the best way to handle things with her? When she goes out drinking she generally returns home very depressed and has hurt herself on occasion. Do I go running to her and take care of her? Do I not go and condemn her behavior?
After she goes out drinking, do I try to talk to her about it or do I just ignore it? Do I encourage her to get more help?
She really didn't get much out of AA. She liked the sponsor relationship, but she did not like the meetings. She usually came home after the meetings kind of upset about how uncomfortable she is there.
Thank you for your input.
Dave.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi, Dave, and welcome to these boards.
I had to go no contact with XABF simply because I was no longer willing to "play". In other words, playing refers to the picking them up when they fall, having the talks (XABF referred to them as lectures) when they are sober, trying to reason with them, feeling physically and emotionally bad when they don't "do" what they promised with seeming remorse. When you "play", you are ultimately hurting yourself because you are trying to control what you can't. I strongly encourage you to read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie because I guarantee you will see shades of yourself in there.....I did even though I knew when I got involved with XABF that he was an alcoholic. I was a rescuer....rescuing is playing too.
I am not telling you to get out before you fall for her more but I will suggest that the worse she gets the more you will control what you can IF you read up on co-dep behaviour and maybe attend Al Anon meetings.
ARL
I had to go no contact with XABF simply because I was no longer willing to "play". In other words, playing refers to the picking them up when they fall, having the talks (XABF referred to them as lectures) when they are sober, trying to reason with them, feeling physically and emotionally bad when they don't "do" what they promised with seeming remorse. When you "play", you are ultimately hurting yourself because you are trying to control what you can't. I strongly encourage you to read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie because I guarantee you will see shades of yourself in there.....I did even though I knew when I got involved with XABF that he was an alcoholic. I was a rescuer....rescuing is playing too.
I am not telling you to get out before you fall for her more but I will suggest that the worse she gets the more you will control what you can IF you read up on co-dep behaviour and maybe attend Al Anon meetings.
ARL
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by ChiDave 
So, get out now? Before I fall for her more?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
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I wish you luck for that is all I can do, I appologize I can do more, I can pray.....you have some very hard thinking to do you are in a horrid spot.....I know I have been there.......Good luck keep posting it does help.:praying
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by ARealLady
Hi, Dave, and welcome to these boards.
I had to go no contact with XABF simply because I was no longer willing to "play". In other words, playing refers to the picking them up when they fall, having the talks (XABF referred to them as lectures) when they are sober, trying to reason with them, feeling physically and emotionally bad when they don't "do" what they promised with seeming remorse. When you "play", you are ultimately hurting yourself because you are trying to control what you can't. I strongly encourage you to read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie because I guarantee you will see shades of yourself in there.....I did even though I knew when I got involved with XABF that he was an alcoholic. I was a rescuer....rescuing is playing too.
I am not telling you to get out before you fall for her more but I will suggest that the worse she gets the more you will control what you can IF you read up on co-dep behaviour and maybe attend Al Anon meetings.
ARL
I had to go no contact with XABF simply because I was no longer willing to "play". In other words, playing refers to the picking them up when they fall, having the talks (XABF referred to them as lectures) when they are sober, trying to reason with them, feeling physically and emotionally bad when they don't "do" what they promised with seeming remorse. When you "play", you are ultimately hurting yourself because you are trying to control what you can't. I strongly encourage you to read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie because I guarantee you will see shades of yourself in there.....I did even though I knew when I got involved with XABF that he was an alcoholic. I was a rescuer....rescuing is playing too.
I am not telling you to get out before you fall for her more but I will suggest that the worse she gets the more you will control what you can IF you read up on co-dep behaviour and maybe attend Al Anon meetings.
ARL
She even told me that she thinks I'm going to break up with her. When she is sober, I really love this girl. Am I just being totally co-dependent?
Thanks everyone for your input.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If she is still drinking, she isn't serious about stopping. Therefore anything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other with perhaps a stop to cause an argument.
I tried to stand by my AH, tried to get him to stop drinkning and deal with his issues. He wasn't interested. I finally stopped beating my head against the wall and left him to deal with his life as he chose to live it.
I tried to stand by my AH, tried to get him to stop drinkning and deal with his issues. He wasn't interested. I finally stopped beating my head against the wall and left him to deal with his life as he chose to live it.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
Originally Posted by ChiDave
k,
What is the best way to handle things with her? When she goes out drinking she generally returns home very depressed and has hurt herself on occasion. Do I go running to her and take care of her? Do I not go and condemn her behavior?
After she goes out drinking, do I try to talk to her about it or do I just ignore it? Do I encourage her to get more help?
She really didn't get much out of AA. She liked the sponsor relationship, but she did not like the meetings. She usually came home after the meetings kind of upset about how uncomfortable she is there.
Thank you for your input.
Dave.
What is the best way to handle things with her? When she goes out drinking she generally returns home very depressed and has hurt herself on occasion. Do I go running to her and take care of her? Do I not go and condemn her behavior?
After she goes out drinking, do I try to talk to her about it or do I just ignore it? Do I encourage her to get more help?
She really didn't get much out of AA. She liked the sponsor relationship, but she did not like the meetings. She usually came home after the meetings kind of upset about how uncomfortable she is there.
Thank you for your input.
Dave.
she has to want to help herself.
she still talking to her sponsor? i hope so.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by ChiDave
I'm really at a loss. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend really needs someone in her life that stands by her no matter what. I might not always agree with her, but I will always stand beside her. Another part of me thinks that she is going down a bad path and I can't stop her or even slow her down. If anything, it seems like I'm speeding things up.
Alcholism is progressive and will not go away so you are correct when you say you can't stop her or slow her down.
The question you have to ask yourself is what do you want for your life?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Dave,
I agree with the others. I am an alcoholic and when I was drinking I didn't care about anything unless I had a drink in hand. I usually drank at home...but would get what you call "Black Out Drunk" almost every night after work.
When I finally quit I had divorced two husbands and just kept on drinking and more drinking until I was at my bottom. I asked for help. I did what was suggested to me. No one told me when to drink or when to quit. I had to do it for myself and if someone tried to stop me from drinking I would drink all the more.
You need to make your own decision for yourself as to what you want out of life for YOU!
I agree with the others. I am an alcoholic and when I was drinking I didn't care about anything unless I had a drink in hand. I usually drank at home...but would get what you call "Black Out Drunk" almost every night after work.
When I finally quit I had divorced two husbands and just kept on drinking and more drinking until I was at my bottom. I asked for help. I did what was suggested to me. No one told me when to drink or when to quit. I had to do it for myself and if someone tried to stop me from drinking I would drink all the more.
You need to make your own decision for yourself as to what you want out of life for YOU!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by ChiDave
Obviously, this bothers me a great deal.....
I was terribly upset.
I am really falling for this girl.
She just really wanted to go to the bar
She went out Thursday and got “black out” drunk again.
I don’t know if this relationship is doing her any good or if it’s just hurting her.
I was terribly upset.
I am really falling for this girl.
She just really wanted to go to the bar
She went out Thursday and got “black out” drunk again.
I don’t know if this relationship is doing her any good or if it’s just hurting her.
Any relationship..alcoholic or not... we need ask ourself... What are we willing to live with for the rest of our lives? There are no gaurantees that once sober always sober
or once healthy, always healthy. What are you wanting and willing to put up with for the rest of your life?
When you ask yourself that question and find an answer... you will do what is best for you both.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
She even told me that she thinks I'm going to break up with her.
Dave....this is something XABF regularly said to me and more frequently AFTER I began calling him on his increased drinking. I would say it is a kind of projection because at some level the A knows his/her disease is not acceptable and it will just be a matter of time before the new partner pulls away. And I think you can see where a comment like this is already sounding like "poor me, poor me". The listener/partner is forced into saying "don't be crazy, why would I leave you?" Then....maybe you, the non-A partner, realize you just can't take the relationship any longer and for the A their prediction has come true. After that you hear accusations that you had to have met someone else, that you are cheating and all that quack, quack, quack.
Think about something....in previous past relationships did you ever suggest to your partner that they would find somebody better than you and break up with you? Sadly, much of the A's thinking is negative.
ARL
Dave....this is something XABF regularly said to me and more frequently AFTER I began calling him on his increased drinking. I would say it is a kind of projection because at some level the A knows his/her disease is not acceptable and it will just be a matter of time before the new partner pulls away. And I think you can see where a comment like this is already sounding like "poor me, poor me". The listener/partner is forced into saying "don't be crazy, why would I leave you?" Then....maybe you, the non-A partner, realize you just can't take the relationship any longer and for the A their prediction has come true. After that you hear accusations that you had to have met someone else, that you are cheating and all that quack, quack, quack.
Think about something....in previous past relationships did you ever suggest to your partner that they would find somebody better than you and break up with you? Sadly, much of the A's thinking is negative.
ARL
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Hi, Dave and welcome to this board. Okay, you are hearing from the folks here who have dealt with this disease - many of us for years. However, you persist in asking, "What can I do?" YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HER QUIT DRINKING. As long as you keep helping, enabling, having talks with, "supporting" her, giving her a shoulder to cry on, etc., etc. she will continue to do what addicts do; namely, manipulate you.
You will end up with migraine headaches, ulcers, and all sorts of emotional problems. She will continue to drink, not take responsibility, and zone out into the land of the drunk. Period.
As you were asked previously, what are you getting out of a relationship with an addict who has you riding on her emotional roller coaster? Think about what you are getting out of this for awhile. Ponder upon it. Then consider attending Al-Anon meetings. You may not understand what the folks are talking about in the meetings at first, but give it a try anyway.
Read the stickies at the top of our forum. Read some books on the disease of alcohlism. Amazon has plenty of books available on addiction. Another good read for you would be "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
When we get involved with addicts and try to "help" them and fix them; when we tolerate their bad behaviors by saying, "but I love him/her," when we make excuses for them and get sucked into their insanity, we are behaving in a codependent manner.
With knowledge comes self-empowerment. I would highly suggest you click on Mr. Christian's name and read some of his earliest posts. He is an example of recovery. When he says "RUN," believe me he knows 'cause he's walked the walk.
Best of luck and please keep posting and venting as much as you need to.
You will end up with migraine headaches, ulcers, and all sorts of emotional problems. She will continue to drink, not take responsibility, and zone out into the land of the drunk. Period.
As you were asked previously, what are you getting out of a relationship with an addict who has you riding on her emotional roller coaster? Think about what you are getting out of this for awhile. Ponder upon it. Then consider attending Al-Anon meetings. You may not understand what the folks are talking about in the meetings at first, but give it a try anyway.
Read the stickies at the top of our forum. Read some books on the disease of alcohlism. Amazon has plenty of books available on addiction. Another good read for you would be "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
When we get involved with addicts and try to "help" them and fix them; when we tolerate their bad behaviors by saying, "but I love him/her," when we make excuses for them and get sucked into their insanity, we are behaving in a codependent manner.
With knowledge comes self-empowerment. I would highly suggest you click on Mr. Christian's name and read some of his earliest posts. He is an example of recovery. When he says "RUN," believe me he knows 'cause he's walked the walk.
Best of luck and please keep posting and venting as much as you need to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 9
I want to sincerely thank you all for your input. It has really been extremely helpful. I have been lucky enough to have never dealt with addiction.
This is all so new to me and therefore rather scary. I'm going to sleep on things. Try to take everything in and make a clear headed decision.
It seems that I either need to break up with her or get myself to an Al-Anon meeting. Just continuing on the way things have been going is not working out very well.
I will be certain to post again tomorrow with more. Till then, thank you for your support.
This is all so new to me and therefore rather scary. I'm going to sleep on things. Try to take everything in and make a clear headed decision.
It seems that I either need to break up with her or get myself to an Al-Anon meeting. Just continuing on the way things have been going is not working out very well.
I will be certain to post again tomorrow with more. Till then, thank you for your support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 9
In Shock! :(
Since I last posted I went back and forth a million and one times. Break up with her, Go to Al-Anon. Break up with her, Go to Al-Anon. And so on.
She called me this morning. Talking to her definitely made me think that we could make it. Hearing her voice. I just couldn't ignore what was on my mind. All the stuff that I posted here and all the stuff you all posted in response.
I explained to her where I was. How one half of me wanted to be with her and the other half needed to break up with her. There was a lot of long silences. I cried. I asked her if she hated me. She asked me if that meant that we are broken up. I said I guess so and cried some more. After that, she got off the phone pretty quickly.
I'm in shock. My stomach is in knots. Breathing is labored. I'm just at a total loss right now. I really hope I did the right thing.
She called me this morning. Talking to her definitely made me think that we could make it. Hearing her voice. I just couldn't ignore what was on my mind. All the stuff that I posted here and all the stuff you all posted in response.
I explained to her where I was. How one half of me wanted to be with her and the other half needed to break up with her. There was a lot of long silences. I cried. I asked her if she hated me. She asked me if that meant that we are broken up. I said I guess so and cried some more. After that, she got off the phone pretty quickly.
I'm in shock. My stomach is in knots. Breathing is labored. I'm just at a total loss right now. I really hope I did the right thing.
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