pepperpod

As some of you know, I am new to the site and even newer to what to do about the events of my life as they now are. A very dear friend called last evening and could sense my sadness. I was not free to talk and so I sent an email today to explain.

My dear friend,
It was so good to hear from you last night. I have thought about you often.

For many of the points of discussion that came up on the phone last night, I was unable to talk freely – AH was within earshot and was listening. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him or his feelings. I love him very much. Mostly, I feel very sorry for him right now. Since we have been married, either his disease has progressed or the many layers of veneer that were masking it have vanished. What I see is a very good, wonderful person with so much potential and so much love to give, who has been whipped by the bottle. I have always enjoyed wine and/or a martini with friends but I enjoy other things as well. Drinking could never be my reason for living. I think I tried very hard to “bond” with AH by drinking with him in the evenings --- well, heck, I can’t hold a candle and ended up asleep way too early or feeling rotten the next day. In short, I have learned that the life we have and share is not enough for me – I want more and I really want to reclaim my friends (who I am afraid to invite to my home because I never know what condition AH will be in) and my good times (NOT sitting in front of a TV and drinking). The way I see it, if that’s all there is to life, I might as well roll over and die and/or stay in bed with my head covered up.

I am totally committed to AH and I love him dearly – I feel a deep helplessness at the moment. I will stick with him forevermore even if it means that I am no longer needed or wanted as a partner/friend/wife. I will assume the role of caretaker if need be – I love him that much. To be able to do that, I will need to detach from him and return to my independent ways and good health, activities and interests --- I am going to my first live Al-Anon meeting tonight. I could cry when I look at AH sometimes. He has the world by the tail and couldn’t care less.

I will never leave him high and dry, but there will be parameters on behaviors that will be accepted in my/our home which has always, and will continue to be, my Sanctuary. Thank God that I am strong enough that I do not take ownership or blame for what is happening to AH. That has been my saving grace in not being eaten alive by guilt and remorse. As they say in Al-Anon: “I did not CAUSE it; I cannot CONTROL it; and, I cannot CURE it”.

I know that you and H will respect my wishes for confidentiality and will allow me to share this with you privately. I just felt you were puzzled by my some of my answers and I am quite sure you are not surprised at any of my revelations.

With love,
your friend

queenteree

Pepperpod - your post brought tears to my eyes. It could have been written by me last year, but unfortunately my AH's alcoholism has progressed to a point where I find him intolerable to be around and my love and respect for him is lost. I admire your love for your husband, and your honesty about your feelings and stance on what you intend to do. I hope only the best for you. Terri

denny57

I did come to understand that I was leaving myself high and dry. Why was I willing to live in a marriage that was not one of equals?

I think it's important every single person find what works for them to be happy in the world. I look forward to hearing how your first meeting goes. I think it's fantastic you're taking the steps to take back your life.

((()))

minnie

What a heartfelt email - I wish I was able to put into words how I felt when I was where you are now.

A teeny word of caution about becoming a caretaker. Unfortunately, that course of action is more likely to help than hinder because it protects others from feeling the consequences of their actions and therefore seeing the need for change. Besides, sacrificing oneself at the altar of another's issues is a soul-killer.

LaTeeDa

I think she meant "more likely to hinder than help." (Sorry to be picky, I do realize the rest of the sentence explains it.)

L

minnie

Oops!!! Thanks for getting my back, LTD!! My mind was obviously more on my pasta that my post.

Sorry, pp. Yes, I did mean hinder than help.

Barbara52

I took me quite a while to understand that taking on the roll of caretaker is not the most loving thing I could do for my AH. That is what is known as enabling the alcoholic, protecting them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors.

I came to the conclusion that the most loving thing I could do for AH was to leave him and force him to be the adult that he is. He is fully capable of working, being a self sufficient adult and a recovering alcoholic. He so far has chosen not to be that person.

I decided the most loving thing I could do was to stop protecting him from his choice to become a willfully unemployed alcoholic, was to take away my financial support, my presence as a handy target for blame from him and his daughters, my cover for his everyday drunkeness. I decided to let him be an adult and to find his own way out of his mess.

pepperpod

Thank you for that post...I hope to gain more information, understanding and direction once I attend Al-anon which is tonight. This is obviously my first time to walk in 'these shoes'....but, I will give it eveything I have got. He is 'hurting' today - not sure why I feel the need to go to Al-anon...and, "why would you want to do something like that on Friday night"? He says he does not feel one iota of love today.

denny57

How about YOU?