Fairview

Hello ~ This is my first post. Our DIL is A. They were living very far away but are now closer. She's been to rehab, AA, etc. and drank again last month. This is 'it' for my husband and I. It has never once been discussed amongst us. We would like to send her a letter but aren't sure how specific to get. We want to keep the things open (for now at least), yet we need to tell her how hurt (well, okay - and angry) we are with her choices.

Ofcourse this is a long, long story that I'm trying to keep as short as possible. We don't want to slam her or say, "you've done this and this and this" - just let her now that we don't approve of what's happening, etc.

Any advice? It's so sad how deeply everyone can be hurt by this. Thank you.

LaTeeDa

What, exactly, do you hope to accomplish with such a letter?

L

Jazzman

Welcome.
If I were struggling with a drinking problem I'm certain there's nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that my in-laws could say to make a difference. If you just want to get your disappointment off your chest write away and don't tone it down at all. Let her have it big time, then throw the letter away and never send it.

I'm guessing you don't have much experience with loved ones struggling with addictions? What helped me was learning as much as I could about addiction, reading, post here, getting support... One thing I learned was not to expect a well written well intentioned letter to do anything except get the wrong response. It might just cause problems for your Son who's in deep enough right now I would imagine.

I can't tell you how much I got out of these two posts that are in the "best of" section.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

Spiritual Seeker

She knows that people including you won't approve of her alcoholism. She hates herself enough for the messing up it causes in her life. If it were me I would NOT send a letter bec that is easy non-beneficial to anyone. I would Pick Up the phone and have a heart to heart compassionate conversation with her which would be much better for both of you to be able to express yourselves openly.
I did this with my step dad after I evicted him from my Mom's house. Instead of kicking him while he was down and shaming him I showed compassion. I let it be known that his behav. toward my mom was unacceptable. Yet I told him I was there to help if he wanted. I talked with him on the phone, met him for lunch, helped him find help, went with him to his 1st AA mtg. etc. I talked about the disease of alcoholism and offered support that he could learn a new way to cope with life.
I did not shame him or tell him I was done with him. I offered hope, understanding and my time. Luckily, in our case he chose to get sober and is back with my mom.
If you choose to completely detach and have nothing to do with her that may be a choice if she is abusing you some how. For me, if you care abt. her bec she is with your son or has grandchildren, I would let her know that you are there when she is ready to treat her addiction.

Barbara52

Yup. That would be my advice. Actually sending th eletter will accomplish nothing positive and may have unintended negative ones.

Fairview

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

We felt the letter (to be honest) would be the least likely way to appear 'confrontational' to her. We don't know what to do to be honest, and thought this might be a good place to start.

Believe me, this is so involved, as far as our son possibly getting discharged from the military, previous rounds with CPS, the list goes on and on.

We thought it better to do 'something' than nothing... That's why I posted here, this looks like a great place for compassionate advice.

And Jazzman, you're correct, we don't have experience with addiction. Thank you for the links, they were very helpful.

SpiritualSeeker - perhaps a phone call from us would be better than a letter. Thank you for sharing your experience with that.

LTD ~ That's a very good question and one that I've asked again and again and perhaps what is standing in the way of writing the letter. We would like to open communication about this and felt a letter was the 'easiest' for her...

I'm truly floundering.. Thank you again, I appreciation your kind replies.

Barbara52

If you give us more of the story, perhaps someone could come up with more helpful information or advice. As it stands all any of us can say are the more general things such as no one can change her except herself.

Fairview

Thank you Barbara ~ I understand what you're saying, that no one can change her except herself.

I'm not sure quite what to say, I guess I'm afraid she may read this post!

That's what I'm tired of, the secrecy -- being afraid "she may read the post", etc. She wonders (to our son) why I've stopped calling her. I still ignore her phone calls because it's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk with her or even see her. Sad, but true. How could it get this bad (for us) without us even talking about it! We're talkers. We thought perhaps she'd bring it up when they moved back here.

We have no intention of telling her the full extent of our feelings, I see now from the links above that does absolutely no good.

But my husband and I feel we should do something... this silence has to end (one way or another).

Barbara52

It certainly is reasonable to tell her that her behaviors caused by her drinking or the fact that she is drinking again are not something you can accept and that therefore you have decided not to engage in conversation. That is what is called setting a boundary.

You mention that you have some concern that her drinking could lead to your son's discharge from the military? I'm not sure how this would come about. Regardless, your son, if he has had enough with her drinking, needs to be thinking about what he is going to do to make his life better. Setting his own boundaries with her alcoholism. He needs to decide whether he wants to continue dealing with it or not, whether he can live with her or not, what he wants from his life.

To a large extent, since they don't live near you, you are already detached from her, a healthy choice for you and your sanity. But you also have to detach from trying to control your son's reactions and choices also. He is responsible for himself and his life.

One last thing, consider going to some Alanon meetings.

Jazzman

Oh I believe you. I could write a ABC mini series about my life married to an alcoholic, as could most that post here. You have found a good place here, looking forward to getting to know you.

LaTeeDa

That's why I asked. I understand the feeling of wanting to 'do something.' But, I also spent many years trying to get my A to see the light, and only made him more angry at me in the process. I believe communication is a great thing, but there are not too many effective ways to communicate with someone who is addicted. I would say from my experience that minimal words backed up by consistent action is probably the best strategy.

It might be a good idea to learn as much as you can about addiction before deciding how you want to make a stand. I don't think making a stand is bad (we call it boundaries around here), but you want to make sure you don't unintentionally make things worse, right?

Sorry you are even in this postion to begin with, but glad you found us.

L

Fairview

Thank you everyone again. I feel so much better after reading all your kind replies and have decided against writing that letter thanks to your help.

Thankfully we have a fantastic relationship with our son and can discuss anything with him, so we'll call him and ask his opinion of the best way to handle this -- I can't keep avoiding her phone calls, nor do I want to.

I trully do understand about not being able to change her - we wouldn't even try. We're naturally very concerned about our grandchildren if our son does deploy. That's why the military was considering discharging him, because while living away from us, he wasn't able to deploy and leave her behind as CPS ruled she could not be alone with the children. That's one reason why they approved his transfer back here, so family would be closer if this were to happen again, while he's deployed. He's no use to them if he cannot deploy. They looked at the fact that even though she was in (in house - I don't know what it's called) rehab, she continually "fails" and drinks. He's now more of a liability than an asset because of her A.

Okay - I'm rambling. Thank you again, your posts really have made a difference in how I'm looking at handling this. I feel the next time she calls, I'll just be frank with her, (after asking for our son's input). And you're right LTD, I don't want to make things worse, that's for sure.

We've never had such drama in our lives...

Fairview

And I've got a question about Al Anon -- they were the first call I made. I was very angry and just did not know how to deal with all this (I still am angry...). But when the lady called me back from the local group - she said that I couldn't be saying how angry I was and get help with those feelings, that this is not what they were about.

But, that's what I needed - help with my feelings of anger. I went to a counselor in town here, but I admit it didn't help me as far as releasing this anger some how...

So - my question would be is Al Anon for support then for family members?
I'll explore this site more and perhaps I can find more information about Al Anon here.

ARealLady

help with my feelings of anger

Fairview....you might get a copy of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie as one way of beginning to deal with your anger towards the situation created by your daughter-in-law's alcoholism. Much of our anger stems from our fear of losing control over situations and Beattie's book explains how we really have no control over the lives and behaviours of other people. She specifically uses alchoholism in her book but the concepts she discusses can be applied to any situation where we risk becoming overly involved as a result of another's addictive behaviour. My estranged husband was/is a workaholic and many of his brand of addictive behaviours are identical to any other addiction. Beattie finally let me see that I was the only one who could take myself out of the mental destruction that I had created through my co-dependency.

ARL

Fairview

Thank you ARL, I will definitely see about getting that book. Again - thank you everyone for your kind replies. This is quite a supportive bulletin board.