tamatha58

My A is my fiance of three years.We met over the phone, he living on the east coast, me in the midwest.Our first encounters were business related and over time became more personal.We spent countless hours talking over the phone and the internet,and after several months of getting to know each other,we were brought together physically by a business meeting.We were both smitten so to speak at our first meeting.We were together for a week on the coast and I returned home engaged.In two months he had quit his job and moved here to be with me.I was so happy and amazed that someone loved me so much to change their whole life and move to be with me!I felt like I was in a story book romance. It was wonderful! When I look back now, there were so many signs of trouble,but I was so infatuated with the excitement and the thought that I had found true love in such a way that it had to be fate.I just knew we were soul mates that had been waiting for each other for so long.There were so many signs that gave me a twinge in my gut,an instinct I should have listened to. The nights in a hotel when we had to have a cooler stocked with beer,him sitting up and drinking a six pack every night to be able to sleep,the fact that he was so willing and able to leave his family and friends in such a short amount of time.His mood swings, irritability,so many many things.When he came here he brought with him everything he owned,and a bank account of about $25,000.00. For the first few months I really didn't worry about him not getting a job, (he was 53 at the time, I was 42) and he was still on the payroll from his previous job for 3 months. I have a good job and money wasn't an issue. I just thought he wanted to get used to this area After 6 months I began to suggest he needed to start looking for something and start helping with the household bills.He bought groceries and paid when we went out to eat etc, but hadn't paid any of the other living expenses. I am a single mom with young teen girls. After 8 months I began insisting he needed to find a job. Partly because he was bored and had been drinking at home and going out to drink. After I had stated my concern about him drinking beer all afternoon while I was at work and coming home at 5 pm to find him close to being sloshy....I started finding gallon bottles of vodka hidden in closets etc. Of course there were all kinds of reasons, he wasn't really hiding it, just didn't want the girls getting in to it, etc. I finally insisted no more drinking at home,voiced my feelings that it was a problem.At that point, he agreed and denied drinking more than a couple on occassion.His behavior became irrational at times,temper tantrums, totally unreasonable sometimes.He had a severe sinus infection and went to my doctor and was put on antibiotics. A week after taking them we were at Thanksgiving dinner at my parents and he turned completely yellow.I knew of course he was jaundiced and got him to a doctor friend of mine immediately.His liver function tests were way out of line.We went to a liver specialist and he was diagnosed in liver failure. Quite a shock!I learned that he had had a bout with a liver problem 5 years previously and had quit drinking as a result.He started drinking again,slowly at first then extreme amounts,the combination of the booze and the antibiotics, his liver couldn't detox and thus was failing.He was hospitalized and tried on some experimental amino acid therapy and unexpectedly began to recover.He was placed in a liver transplant program and placed in treatment for alcohol addiction. Needed 6 months sober before he could qualify for transplant.He did well,and got better and better.After 6 months they began the transplant work up and things went well.He qualified for disabilty and continued the work up for the transplant.Last August, he was finishing the work up and was being ready to be placed on the list.There were several instances when I thought I smelled faint odors of alcohol on his breath. He denied. At a family cook out he was behaving strangely,I inadvertantly picked up his glass and took a drink,it was clearly filled with mostly booze and a little pop.He said it was the first time,wouldn't happen again,I believed.Behavior became more irrational,things became again full of turmoil.He blamed fear of the impending transplant.I believed.His liver tests were starting to show problems again..the transplant work up was accelerated.he became more irratable..irrational..Yelling and being verbally abusive to all of us for no apparent reason.Finally it was at a point I insisted he see a shrink on the transplant team to deal with what ever issues were causing him such awful behavior.He agreed.Things were awful waiting for that appointment. It was scheduled for a Monday,the Friday before that appointment things became unbearable.I had to work, my children and he were home. I got a call at work from him, he sounded totally incoherant.I left work to come home with the plan of taking him to the Emergency room. I suspected his ammonia levels were causing him to be mentally impaired. My job is 25 miles away from home. When I arrived home, I found my brother taking my children from my home.My youngest daughter was hysterical saying my A had tried to choke her. He was totally out of touch with reality and unreasonable.I had to call the police. They said he was drunk with a blood alcohol of 2.8.They took him to jail and imposed a restraining order and charged him with domestic assult and child endangerment. It was horrible. I was consumed by hurt, fear, and worry over his physical condition. He was released the next moring and forced to get his belongings and leave our home and to not have contact with any of us.He stayed with a friend for the weekend and kept his appointment with the shrink the following Monday. He checked himself into treatment immediately and seemed to be doing very well. After 3 months sober he asked me to have the restraining order removed. I did so, and we began our relationship again. He living in another town. Things went very well. He seemed to improve physically and mentally. He truly was recovering. He was again the loving man I had fallen in love with. We entered family counselling. My girls wanted him to come back home. We were becoming a family again. He went to visit his family on the coast to see his new baby grand daughter.The plan was he would move back here with us when he returned from his trip. He had been gone a week when I got phone call. He was in jail. DUI, and a multitude of other charges. He had relapsed, gotten insanely drunk and driven. He resisted arrest and various other things. His family refused to get him out of jail at first. I agreed and said he needed to stay and face the consequences of his actions. After several days of his calling his daughter and telling her he would die if they left him there, they agreed to bail him out. A big mistake I said, but they did it anyway. He made promises to enter treatment, do what ever it took, just let him out of jail. Somehow, he made an agreement with the court to serve two weeks in jail and they would wipe the slate clean. While I didn't want to see him with a record, unfortunately, it let him off easy and didn't make him really face anything. He returned here to the midwest about 6 weeks ago with the intention of moving in with me. I needed to set some boundaries. Some of which were he couldn't go out to bars.He needed to get back into treatment and he had to respect my property and my family,get a job, and pay his share of the bills. The entire first week back home, he stayed in bed till at least noon, never made a single AA meeting, went out to sing Karoke 3 times, and was a total ass to me and my children. By Friday I had had enough and told him he needed to find somewhere else to live. He told me he was not going to let me dictate the terms of his life and he never would,he left. He stayed gone for two days and then began calling me and begging to come home. I told him he knew what it would take to come home,he of course reacted with "So, it's your way or the highway". I said, yes, it had to be that way.Anger and resentment have continued since.He begs to come home then yells at me because I am a selfish bitch. I have tried to be civil and kind. Supportive and not enabling. I believe he is staying sober, but I also believe his behavior is selfish, and destructive. He still is not activily looking for a job. His car no longer is drivable, and he continues to expect me or others to help him. I refuse. I have told him I love him and support him, but I will not do anything for him that he as an adult can and should do for himself. His anger is unbelievable.He tries to be nice and as soon as he wants something I am not willing to give anymore he reacts like a rebellious teenager.Yelling and screaming. I feel like I should be more supportive.I feel like his staying sober is a big effort on his part. I also feel like I am expecting from him, no more than I expect from my children and if he feels like that is too much when he is an adult, then I can't keep working on this relationship. He manipulates me, I am stressed to the max. Financially he has caused me such a burdon. He doesn't understand that,after all,wouldn't I have had to pay for the house etc if he were here or not? He blew the entire 25 grand he had when he came here plus incurred about 10 grand in credit card debt the first year here.He still won't get a job.He blames the economy and everything else, but has not made any effort. His manipulation and behavior is so typical,it is so frustrating. I don't understand.I don't understand how I continue to love someone who has caused so much destruction and hurt in my life.I don't want to give in.I want things to be better. I hope I am doing the right thing by making him be responsible for himself.

Debbie

Welcome to the forums Tamatha!!

I would say that you are doing what you need to do for YOU and your kids. I say stick to your boundaries. I think he needs to get his act together (job, treatment, etc), he does need to be responsible for his actions and even after that I would have to think long and hard before I let him move back in with me. Now this is only my opinion and I am just learning now that the A needs to be responsible for the consequences of his actions.

It sounds like you are doing pretty good sticking to your boundaries. If it helps, get your number changed, block his calls, get the restraining order back. You need to have peace of mind for yourself. Remember that you are number one and need to take care of you.

Read some of the posts, other will be along shortly to welcome you I am sure.

Take care of yourself.

Many hugs,
Debbie

matters

Hello tamatha58 and welcome!!

You have been through alot and having him take responsibility for his actions is the right decision! How does a person keep self destructing after all that has happened? It is a sickness that takes its toll on everyone. It is so hard to imagine how they can keep drinking especially when their health is on the line. Of course all of the A's health is in jepardy, some more than others.

Continueing to love him is what you do because you know the true person he is without the alcohol. Don't kick yourself for loving and trying. He is the only one that can decide to clean up and stay sober for LIFE. Take care of yourself!! Coming here is a great start and can be very helpful. Turn the focus to your recovery, you'll be glad you did!!

Prayers and hugs,
matters

PsychoKitty

Hi I am also new here, and I see the parallels in a way, I also want to be loving and supportive to my son, but also to be strong and stand by what I say, it is difficult, specially when they promise never to do it again, etc. But you have taken the first step, the right step, setting boundaries, I still have to do that, I tell him he is grounded, then feel bad, not good.
I hope you get things sorted out.

Sarah2003

Hi Tamatha,

You have been through so much and it sounds like you've hit YOUR rock bottom. It took me several years, actually two decades, to separate from him.

I've recently read a couple of excellent books that have helped me tremendously: "Safe People" and "Setting Boundaries"--both books are authored by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

I've been so wrapped up in my AH's illness, and my tolerance for inappropriate and unsafe behavior had built to the point that I finally hit my rock bottom. Now I'm taking care of me and our children.

It's still not easy, but I feel myself getting better every day.

As everyone else has said here....please take care of YOU and your girls.

Take care,

Sarah

Ann

Tamatha

I want to join in on the welcome and say that it seems to me that you have been doing all the right things all the way through this.

It's sad that the wonderful people we know can be lost when addiction takes over, but we cannot totally destroy our lives waiting for them to clean up. We become as addicted to them as they are to substances, and the only person we can change is ourselves.

Only you can decide whether you want to spend your life living with this kind of chaos. But, to be honest, it doesn't appear that he will get better any time soon, and if you were my best friend I would tell you to run for your life.

countrygirl

I am new here, too, so I am just learning.

You sure have been through a lot. Are you sure it is worth it? Because you don't have to be involved with any of this unless you choose to be. He has only been around for a year or two, right?

He might be the greatest guy in the world but it sounds as if he is just not available as a equal partner right now.

Others say it better. What I have been told, have been reading, am trying to learn to do - take care of my own life.

This is a wonderful place to come, hope you come often.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Tamatha,
I just wanted to welcome you here

I read your story and my mouth dropped; not because of the extent of your experiences with an Alcoholic, but because you are so strong! It took me 8 years of reacting, enabling, trusting and getting hurt, seeing my finaces dwindle, and watching the "monster" emerge before I admitted I needed help. The strength and courage you exhibit are a testament to how well you are taking care of yourself.

And of course you still love him! Like others said, YOU know who he really is... you HAVE seen the person behind the disease; and like ALL of us, you still hold out hope that THAT person will come back to you. But I know that we cannot love a person enuf to get them sober... So, loving from a distance, and letting go, is the way it needs to be.

I hope you'll come back here, and share some more. Have you been to Alanon meetings? The program is such a help.
Take care
Meg