Hello l am new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Hello l am new here
Hello, l was directed to this place here after posting in the wrong area last night. l have a relationship with a man who is a binge drinker/alcoholic, that went from drinking every night to now just on the weekends (for me he says) which is a laugh (not really) because when the weekends come, which l dread, he makes up for what he does not drink during the week and leaves me here alone and takes off to god knows where with his family who is made up of nine other siblings and the mother and they themselves are all alcoholics.
l refuse to be part of the "family party" (drinking and fighting) and we live in a very small town and this family is very well known for their drinking and carryings on, and not well liked if at all, which had l known before l started dating him, l don't think l would have.
l on one hand like my time alone to do what l want to do, but on the other hand, l have this anger in me built up for him that just grows because he claims how much he loves me but says he will not give up alcohol for any woman. He says he will cut down, but on weekends now, he gets so drunk he comes in stumbling, hardly able to see where he is walking, and either comes in happy or very moody. He often expresses frustration that l won't accompany him anywhere and l tell him that l am embarrassed to be seen with him when he has been drinking because of the way he acts or talks.
He has just recently in the past weekend, started to become nasty verbally to me and apologized saying it slipped out and he did not mean to say what he did, but l have been through this all before with my first husband and also with my education in studying Psychology.
I know this relationship is no good and friends see it and know it is no good and have told me that long run it is over when l am ready to tell him to leave, but for me, something keeps me hanging on.
l am not sure if l want to admit that yet again l am a failure with men in yet another relationship because l do see all the red flags and don't have the courage to kick him out and don't want to lose face with the gossips in town.
l have been going to therapy for over two years now in helping me with another relationship that l got out of that pretty well wiped me out emotionally and left my daughter and l on the streets kicked out at Christmas time and ending us in a women's shelter, and this man had this planned intentionally to make sure it was going to hurt the most at the time of the anniversary of another daughter's death.
l did not date for a year, so l could get myself together and working with a Therapist and Psychiatrist, l learned the pattern of men to stay away from and the warning flags to watch for.
Thus l don't understand how l fell for this man and let him get so close to me without picking up on him.
l am ashamed of myself now to the point l am afraid to tell my therapist and psychiatrist and both know l am depressed but l don't say why. l just sit and cry now.
l just need support badly now and l have no where else to turn before this gets so bad, l end up in the hospital without telling anyone what is wrong. l already have anxiety/panic personality disorder and dysthmia (depression) and PTSD
Thank you, Chelle63
l refuse to be part of the "family party" (drinking and fighting) and we live in a very small town and this family is very well known for their drinking and carryings on, and not well liked if at all, which had l known before l started dating him, l don't think l would have.
l on one hand like my time alone to do what l want to do, but on the other hand, l have this anger in me built up for him that just grows because he claims how much he loves me but says he will not give up alcohol for any woman. He says he will cut down, but on weekends now, he gets so drunk he comes in stumbling, hardly able to see where he is walking, and either comes in happy or very moody. He often expresses frustration that l won't accompany him anywhere and l tell him that l am embarrassed to be seen with him when he has been drinking because of the way he acts or talks.
He has just recently in the past weekend, started to become nasty verbally to me and apologized saying it slipped out and he did not mean to say what he did, but l have been through this all before with my first husband and also with my education in studying Psychology.
I know this relationship is no good and friends see it and know it is no good and have told me that long run it is over when l am ready to tell him to leave, but for me, something keeps me hanging on.
l am not sure if l want to admit that yet again l am a failure with men in yet another relationship because l do see all the red flags and don't have the courage to kick him out and don't want to lose face with the gossips in town.
l have been going to therapy for over two years now in helping me with another relationship that l got out of that pretty well wiped me out emotionally and left my daughter and l on the streets kicked out at Christmas time and ending us in a women's shelter, and this man had this planned intentionally to make sure it was going to hurt the most at the time of the anniversary of another daughter's death.
l did not date for a year, so l could get myself together and working with a Therapist and Psychiatrist, l learned the pattern of men to stay away from and the warning flags to watch for.
Thus l don't understand how l fell for this man and let him get so close to me without picking up on him.
l am ashamed of myself now to the point l am afraid to tell my therapist and psychiatrist and both know l am depressed but l don't say why. l just sit and cry now.
l just need support badly now and l have no where else to turn before this gets so bad, l end up in the hospital without telling anyone what is wrong. l already have anxiety/panic personality disorder and dysthmia (depression) and PTSD
Thank you, Chelle63
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Hi Chelle63, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, but you’ve come to the right place.
Wow, that’s a lot of drama in one family, isn’t it?
I’ve learned when someone makes a statement about something along these lines, it’s best to believe them!
I didn’t understand how I got involved with someone like my ex either. It took me about a year after we split to come to figure it all out. I had to do a lot of digging, and, be totally honest with myself. It was a painful journey, but well worth it.
Additionally, like many alcoholics, they can hide it rather well, for awhile anyway. Eventually, the closer we get, and the more frequently we see them, their issues come to light. Unfortunately at this point, ‘our’ emotions are already involved.
I hope one day you feel comfortable enough to open up to them so they can help you explore it more. That’s what they’re there for, right? Maybe if you don’t feel comfortable opening to them, do you think you might be more inclined to give someone else a try?
But, it’s good that you feel comfortable sharing with us here. So, that’s a real good first step! Another step you might want to consider is to attend some Alanon meetings for additional support and information.
In the meantime, please read the posts here and the stickies at the top of the forum. And, please keep coming back.
Originally Posted by chelle63 
... his family who is made up of nine other siblings and the mother and they themselves are all alcoholics.
Originally Posted by chelle63
... he claims how much he loves me but says he will not give up alcohol for any woman.
Originally Posted by chelle63
... l did not date for a year, so l could get myself together and working with a Therapist and Psychiatrist, l learned the pattern of men to stay away from and the warning flags to watch for. Thus l don't understand how l fell for this man and let him get so close to me without picking up on him.
Additionally, like many alcoholics, they can hide it rather well, for awhile anyway. Eventually, the closer we get, and the more frequently we see them, their issues come to light. Unfortunately at this point, ‘our’ emotions are already involved.
Originally Posted by chelle63
... l am ashamed of myself now to the point l am afraid to tell my therapist and psychiatrist and both know l am depressed but l don't say why. l just sit and cry now.
But, it’s good that you feel comfortable sharing with us here. So, that’s a real good first step! Another step you might want to consider is to attend some Alanon meetings for additional support and information.
In the meantime, please read the posts here and the stickies at the top of the forum. And, please keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
So just what it is you think you are getting out of this relationship? How does it make your quality of life better than it would be without him? Do you see yourself going thru years and years of this sort of life and being happy?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Chelle-
My heart aches for you.
I know the pain of KNOWING someone is not good for you- yet remaining in the relationship. There is a great post somewhere on the board about why women stay in bad relationships- try to search for it if you can. It is a real eye opener.
I know where you are at- a place of shame and uncertainty. You do not want to reveal to others where you are at and what you have been doing or being put through so you keep it inside. It will grow like a cancer. The first step to getting well for yourself will be to reach out to others. You don't have to make a decision about what to do now, but stepping forward and reaching out can help you gain a new perspective so you will not feel so alone.
I know it hurts like hell and feels BEYOND uncomfortable, ESP for someone who also suffers from other mental afflictions (I do too!!) but it will EVENTUALLY make you feel less weighed down by this. I know that we get so thrust into the deapths of toxic shame and confusion that it's hard to grab onto anything and pull ourselves up.
Have you looked into attending Al-Anon meetings? I know it is a terrifying thing, but you can rest assured that there are people just like you who are in those rooms experiencing the SAME thing.
From one self-hater to another- I hear alot of pain in your post. I can almost see the bruises that are self-inflicted from beating yourself up. If we ever want anyone else to be gentle with us- we need to be the first, no matter how uncomfortable and undeserving we feel. It is so much easier to accept that we are at a low place then to try to climb out- sometimes we do not know anything else.
I know you feel EVERYTHING to the contrary but you do not deserve to feel this way. A book that REALLY helped me was- Codependent No More. If you feel uncomfortable buying it in the bookstore it can be purchased online. It is an amazing book that truly opened my eyes to what I had been doing and how I had been trying to get my needs met through others. Now, I'm more aware of this but am not "cured" by any means.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and here is to hoping you can reach out, if only to clear your head.
My heart aches for you.
I know the pain of KNOWING someone is not good for you- yet remaining in the relationship. There is a great post somewhere on the board about why women stay in bad relationships- try to search for it if you can. It is a real eye opener.
I know where you are at- a place of shame and uncertainty. You do not want to reveal to others where you are at and what you have been doing or being put through so you keep it inside. It will grow like a cancer. The first step to getting well for yourself will be to reach out to others. You don't have to make a decision about what to do now, but stepping forward and reaching out can help you gain a new perspective so you will not feel so alone.
I know it hurts like hell and feels BEYOND uncomfortable, ESP for someone who also suffers from other mental afflictions (I do too!!) but it will EVENTUALLY make you feel less weighed down by this. I know that we get so thrust into the deapths of toxic shame and confusion that it's hard to grab onto anything and pull ourselves up.
Have you looked into attending Al-Anon meetings? I know it is a terrifying thing, but you can rest assured that there are people just like you who are in those rooms experiencing the SAME thing.
From one self-hater to another- I hear alot of pain in your post. I can almost see the bruises that are self-inflicted from beating yourself up. If we ever want anyone else to be gentle with us- we need to be the first, no matter how uncomfortable and undeserving we feel. It is so much easier to accept that we are at a low place then to try to climb out- sometimes we do not know anything else.
I know you feel EVERYTHING to the contrary but you do not deserve to feel this way. A book that REALLY helped me was- Codependent No More. If you feel uncomfortable buying it in the bookstore it can be purchased online. It is an amazing book that truly opened my eyes to what I had been doing and how I had been trying to get my needs met through others. Now, I'm more aware of this but am not "cured" by any means.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and here is to hoping you can reach out, if only to clear your head.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
That sounds like a horrible way to live. Much like I do, minus the crazy alcoholic family members. I too am ashamed and still live with my abf. But I am getting stronger everyday. You can too. Just take some baby steps and get involved with Al-Anon on those long weekends while he is getting smashed. You help you.
I wanted to say one thing regarding your therapists. They cannot not help you if you don't let them. They will not judge you and are there to help you. You are paying them right? They are there for perform a service but you are not allowing them to do that. In short, you are standing in your own way of getting the support and help you need. Keep coming here because we will not judge you either. And by the way, Al-Anon is another place that will not judge you. They understand and the people there have been through what you are going through! There is a lot of compassion out there just waiting for you.
Jenny
I wanted to say one thing regarding your therapists. They cannot not help you if you don't let them. They will not judge you and are there to help you. You are paying them right? They are there for perform a service but you are not allowing them to do that. In short, you are standing in your own way of getting the support and help you need. Keep coming here because we will not judge you either. And by the way, Al-Anon is another place that will not judge you. They understand and the people there have been through what you are going through! There is a lot of compassion out there just waiting for you.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by chelle63
he claims how much he loves me but says he will not give up alcohol for any woman.
You are not "any woman." You are all things good, and worthy of dignity and respect. A book I highly recommend is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
Al-Anon and therapy helped me enormously. Keep posting.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Chelle and welcome.
What powerful words these are. I said alot of times that had I known then what I know now, I wouldnt have even spoken to my ex..the good news is, you know now instead of later.
Stick around!
which had l known before l started dating him, l don't think l would have.
Stick around!
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
((((chelle))))) So sorry you are going through this. I have a similar past....mine was extremely abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically. I got away from him by walking out when he got into the shower one night. I left with my purse, daughter's hand in mine and my car. Took a long time, but got past the post traumatic stress etc. Now, my AH (alcoholic husband), is deep in his addiction and supposedly trying to quit. But I have been through the mill with him and have had just about enough!
You are not alone! As you read here the many posts, you will see people at all levels of recovery-some have left the A's, some have stayed, some are trying to get ready to leave. They all have been so supportive of me and others...you will feel totally at home here. I wish I could get here everyday to read!
My heart goes out to you. I cannot believe I am here in this spot in my life after living through a previous hell! But here I am and I am so glad to have found this site....You will be glad too! Hang out with us! There is no judgement here and you will feel no shame from us!
You are not alone! As you read here the many posts, you will see people at all levels of recovery-some have left the A's, some have stayed, some are trying to get ready to leave. They all have been so supportive of me and others...you will feel totally at home here. I wish I could get here everyday to read!
My heart goes out to you. I cannot believe I am here in this spot in my life after living through a previous hell! But here I am and I am so glad to have found this site....You will be glad too! Hang out with us! There is no judgement here and you will feel no shame from us!
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