Breaking the cycle-need advice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I wish I had an alternative to offer other than separation but I don't. In my situation I've tried to think through all manner of ideas till my brain hurts and it all boils down to me leaving. I'm so sorry you're going through this especially with young kids.
I also totally understand the realities when considering being a single mom. I've been there. I don't know if I could do it today here in NJ, but at that time and State I lived in, it was financially doable and I remember it as some of the happiest times in my life even though I didn't have much. Had an old beater car, mismatched dishes, clean apt in an older building in a nice college neighborhood, I picked up antique/flea market furniture bargains and refinished them.
Child rearing on your own can be a challenge. I couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter after school before I got home from work. I had to learn to come up with some creative ideas and accept help from others once in awhile. One day I was talking to a neighbor I didn't know that well and her and I became friends through the kids liking to play together. She was happily married and sold Avon for extra cash. She said she'd be happy to babysit after school until I got home, or let me get out once in awhile for some shopping, even if I decided to have a date on occasion! I wasn't real comfortable at first but then we came up with a plan to trade babysitting. I was real happy with that and it worked out great.
btw, those kids and my son (now in his early 40s) although living thousands of miles apart still communicate now and then with a phone call, email whatever!
I can only say it wasn't easy being a single mom, and I was poor but I was happy and we had a peaceful, fun life. I think the key is finding a decent place to live and then try to enjoy the simple things in life.
They say it takes a village to raise a child and this is so true. I remember one day when I started going out and throwing the ball with my son in a vacant lot at the end of our street. Next thing ya know there's more kids, then moms, then some of the dads. Next thing you know they were all signed up for T-ball. What a blast it was.
There was this one woman on the street that had raised tropical fish for a hobby for a long while but gave it up. One Spring Saturday she halls out all these 10 gallon aquariums out of her garage into her front yard. Must have had 25 of 'em!! A bunch of us girls helped her fill them all up, check for leaks, clean them etc and she ended up giving each kid on the block one of the tanks and we all went down to the nearby creek and filled up buckets of rocks and sand and creek water and a bag full of goopy tadpole eggs. These kids were so excited waiting for the eggs to hatch into baby frogs! After they all started hatching the kids were busy catching food to feed them but after a few days the moms wanted them out of the house. LOL. So they were boxed up and we all went back down to the creek and set them free. I will never forget those days.
I won't ramble any more, but the point is, some of the happiest times in my life is when I was meeting my own needs, physically and emotionally with the help of a few friends and neighbors. Later, when I met current AH, my life did get easier financially, and able to afford nicer things for me and my son and we had a nice life for years. I never thought I'd be in the horrible, miserable situation I'm in today. So I've decided I want to find myself a nice "village" and be happy again sharing life with those around me.
I also totally understand the realities when considering being a single mom. I've been there. I don't know if I could do it today here in NJ, but at that time and State I lived in, it was financially doable and I remember it as some of the happiest times in my life even though I didn't have much. Had an old beater car, mismatched dishes, clean apt in an older building in a nice college neighborhood, I picked up antique/flea market furniture bargains and refinished them.
Child rearing on your own can be a challenge. I couldn't afford to pay for a babysitter after school before I got home from work. I had to learn to come up with some creative ideas and accept help from others once in awhile. One day I was talking to a neighbor I didn't know that well and her and I became friends through the kids liking to play together. She was happily married and sold Avon for extra cash. She said she'd be happy to babysit after school until I got home, or let me get out once in awhile for some shopping, even if I decided to have a date on occasion! I wasn't real comfortable at first but then we came up with a plan to trade babysitting. I was real happy with that and it worked out great.
btw, those kids and my son (now in his early 40s) although living thousands of miles apart still communicate now and then with a phone call, email whatever!
I can only say it wasn't easy being a single mom, and I was poor but I was happy and we had a peaceful, fun life. I think the key is finding a decent place to live and then try to enjoy the simple things in life.
They say it takes a village to raise a child and this is so true. I remember one day when I started going out and throwing the ball with my son in a vacant lot at the end of our street. Next thing ya know there's more kids, then moms, then some of the dads. Next thing you know they were all signed up for T-ball. What a blast it was.
There was this one woman on the street that had raised tropical fish for a hobby for a long while but gave it up. One Spring Saturday she halls out all these 10 gallon aquariums out of her garage into her front yard. Must have had 25 of 'em!! A bunch of us girls helped her fill them all up, check for leaks, clean them etc and she ended up giving each kid on the block one of the tanks and we all went down to the nearby creek and filled up buckets of rocks and sand and creek water and a bag full of goopy tadpole eggs. These kids were so excited waiting for the eggs to hatch into baby frogs! After they all started hatching the kids were busy catching food to feed them but after a few days the moms wanted them out of the house. LOL. So they were boxed up and we all went back down to the creek and set them free. I will never forget those days.
I won't ramble any more, but the point is, some of the happiest times in my life is when I was meeting my own needs, physically and emotionally with the help of a few friends and neighbors. Later, when I met current AH, my life did get easier financially, and able to afford nicer things for me and my son and we had a nice life for years. I never thought I'd be in the horrible, miserable situation I'm in today. So I've decided I want to find myself a nice "village" and be happy again sharing life with those around me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Sunshine, have you told him how you feel and ASKED him if he thinks he has a problem and WANTS to work on it? Remember you cannot make, help or do ANYTHING that will get him to recovery and create a happy family. If he doesn't see it, want it or stick to it there is nothing you can do.
My AW see's it, want's it but can't seem to stick to it and we are separated. It's tough but I realized I have no choice. I can't make her stick to it. Crazy thing is that she is healthy and rational when she see's it and want's it but raging when she's not!
My AW see's it, want's it but can't seem to stick to it and we are separated. It's tough but I realized I have no choice. I can't make her stick to it. Crazy thing is that she is healthy and rational when she see's it and want's it but raging when she's not!
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