I hate this feeling, need to vent
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
I hate this feeling, need to vent
Recovering AH came home from work tonite, seemed to be in a so-so mood. Talked briefly about our one son (age 12), told my AH that I wondered if our son sneaked off to the (very small)bowling alley w/a friend even though I told him not to--they wanted to go play a game of pool. In the name of honesty, I also told my h that I also told our son..."and dad wouldn't appreciate you going there," (the bowling alley also has a bar).
Well, I know that pissed off my h, but he holds his anger/emotions in too well and didn't say anything to me. He headed out to the bowling alley, I just knew he was. Well, our son did Not go to the bowling alley (good boy
) and when my h returned he questioned our son a bit, then mowed, then picked up after the dog out in the yard.
His quiet anger is so unsettling and it gets my stomach in knots so bad--I hate this feeling I get.
I could tell my son was upset too-we were sitting on the couch while my h was mowing. I talked to my son. He thought he'd be in trouble for not picking up after the dog and for not mowing. Then, it was so sad to hear....he said he worries that someday his dad will get so mad about having to pick up after the dog, that he'll take the dog out and shoot him. God, I hate that we have to be/allow ourselves to be affected like this! It sucks. It's sad. It always happens when my h is in a bad mood and quietly broods around the house.
Yea, I was probably wrong to say, "dad wouldn't appreciate..." without saying *I* thought it was wrong, too. But I said it. I didn't think it would be so awful for the kids to go play a game of pool. I don't immediately think, 'Oh, there's alcohol in that place, so my kid shouldn't go there.' I think my h was mad cuz I wasn't strongly opposed to the idea of our son going to the bowling alley. I made a bad judgement call. Wished we could've talked it out, but I knew better than to start that. I hope I can get over this negative mood. Maybe I should apologize to my h for using him to tell our son 'no.' I think that'd be the right thing to do.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Well, I know that pissed off my h, but he holds his anger/emotions in too well and didn't say anything to me. He headed out to the bowling alley, I just knew he was. Well, our son did Not go to the bowling alley (good boy
) and when my h returned he questioned our son a bit, then mowed, then picked up after the dog out in the yard. His quiet anger is so unsettling and it gets my stomach in knots so bad--I hate this feeling I get.
I could tell my son was upset too-we were sitting on the couch while my h was mowing. I talked to my son. He thought he'd be in trouble for not picking up after the dog and for not mowing. Then, it was so sad to hear....he said he worries that someday his dad will get so mad about having to pick up after the dog, that he'll take the dog out and shoot him. God, I hate that we have to be/allow ourselves to be affected like this! It sucks. It's sad. It always happens when my h is in a bad mood and quietly broods around the house.
Yea, I was probably wrong to say, "dad wouldn't appreciate..." without saying *I* thought it was wrong, too. But I said it. I didn't think it would be so awful for the kids to go play a game of pool. I don't immediately think, 'Oh, there's alcohol in that place, so my kid shouldn't go there.' I think my h was mad cuz I wasn't strongly opposed to the idea of our son going to the bowling alley. I made a bad judgement call. Wished we could've talked it out, but I knew better than to start that. I hope I can get over this negative mood. Maybe I should apologize to my h for using him to tell our son 'no.' I think that'd be the right thing to do.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
darlin', please sweep those eggshells outta your house. you should not have to guard so closely what you say, thinking it will set him off.
it's his own problem. you have a right to discuss your son with his father. if dad decides to swell up like a toad and intimidate everyone with his attitude, it is his problem.
is dad working a recovery program? i love alcoholics who are working a program....most of them are very humble and willing to be the nice guy for a change.
i'm sorry your son has this fear for his dog.
it sounds like your hubs was on the pity pot.
again, sweep them eggshells outta the house, and just be you.
by the way, are you going to al-anon? they will teach you how to put the focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic.
hugs to you
jeri
it's his own problem. you have a right to discuss your son with his father. if dad decides to swell up like a toad and intimidate everyone with his attitude, it is his problem.
is dad working a recovery program? i love alcoholics who are working a program....most of them are very humble and willing to be the nice guy for a change.
i'm sorry your son has this fear for his dog.
it sounds like your hubs was on the pity pot.
again, sweep them eggshells outta the house, and just be you.
by the way, are you going to al-anon? they will teach you how to put the focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic.
hugs to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Good grief. You said nothing wrong to your son. Saying the other parent doesn't wnat a kid to something to support one's own statement is a perfectly legit parenting technique.
Like embraced said, get rid of those eggshells. You should not have to think out everything you say so carefully because your AH might decide to take things the wrong way.
Like embraced said, get rid of those eggshells. You should not have to think out everything you say so carefully because your AH might decide to take things the wrong way.
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Thanx to all for the support and reminding me about those eggshells.
Yes, my h is in AA and I've been to a few Alanon meetings, too. There's been a big change in him about being honest with himself and being more willing to accept that he has to address his alcoholism. And I've changed too. But it's a work in progress.
I apologized to him late last night-that went well-and he said he knew what I said about him was right. But it wasn't the right time to get into a lenghtier talk about how it affected us. I'm thinking about talking to him about it tonight.
Thanx again SO MUCH for being here. It really helps.
Yes, my h is in AA and I've been to a few Alanon meetings, too. There's been a big change in him about being honest with himself and being more willing to accept that he has to address his alcoholism. And I've changed too. But it's a work in progress.
I apologized to him late last night-that went well-and he said he knew what I said about him was right. But it wasn't the right time to get into a lenghtier talk about how it affected us. I'm thinking about talking to him about it tonight.
Thanx again SO MUCH for being here. It really helps.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
may i ask why you apologized to him? what did you do that you thought was so wrong that you should have apologized?
you do not have to answer if you don't want to......i'm just curious why you felt you had done something wrong.
you do not have to answer if you don't want to......i'm just curious why you felt you had done something wrong.
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Well, embraced2000, I apologized b/c I used my husband, in a way, to say 'no' to our son. My initial reaction: I did say 'no', but that's b/c I didn't have any $ for him to go, not b/c I immediately thought it'd be bad for him to go there b/c it has a bar, too.
I don't know how I'm s'posed to handle things like this. Our son is young, and the bar in that place is what draws the (small town) crowd. But it was a weekday afternoon when our son wanted to go, not like it was Friday nite. I just don't know how to handle these type of situations. ? ? Part of me is now wondering why I did apologize.
This incident reminded me of another one that happened in Aug. Visiting my family outta town, big city. Hubby only stayed for 1 nite of the visit. Me, the kids, my sisters and their kids did some touristy things downtown--we had so much fun! My sister offered to buy me a frozen drink from a vendor and I said 'sure'. My 12 yr. old asked to taste it, so I said 'yea' and let him have ONE sip from the straw. But when my RAH heard about it...! He went into "an emotional tailspin", as he said, and "But I forgive you." He said that was the most ignorant thing I could've done.
Before I go on, let's back up a bit to 4-1-1 you: My RAH-sober for about 7 years w/extremely few minor slips. I offered to quit drinking (and have) to support his sobriety. And all during this time he's taken so many opportunities to let me know that I should loosen up, let my hair down, etc. On the RARE occassion I went out with the girls in the family or went to visit my family out of town (w/out hubby), my h always had to say, 'have yourself a shasta...let your hair down!' We've had some discussions about why he says that. It's so dumb of him, but he always kept it up.
So, I got so sick of hearing it that and while in Chicago, I decided to call his bluff! Besides, lately I've regretted making my offer and there have been many times I would've liked to 'have one with the girls'. I had 1 glass of wine with a dinner, then 1 wine cooler later that nite hanging out w/my family and the frozen drink while downtown a day or two later. Yea, I really knock 'em back, don't I? I didn't hide it, told my h about it and that I called his bluff. He no longer tells me to 'have a shasta'.
Hearing about me having some drinks, then hearing how I let our son have a sip of one of them...I guess that was enough to send him into his 'tailspin'. God, what's he gonna do when our sons are typical teens-likely experimenting w/alcohol?
What I'd like to hear is your viewpoints, experiences. Was I so wrong to let our son have ONE sip? Is this a major no-no when the father is a recovering alcoholic? Should we (the non-alcoholic family members) have to avoid places like the bowling alley b/c my h is in recovery and he can't handle going to places like that? Is life with a sober A always gonna be like walking a line? I don't have a problem supporting him, but I don't think we should have to practice his avoidance tactics--if it's something we're doing w/out him.
This is so confusing.
I don't know how I'm s'posed to handle things like this. Our son is young, and the bar in that place is what draws the (small town) crowd. But it was a weekday afternoon when our son wanted to go, not like it was Friday nite. I just don't know how to handle these type of situations. ? ? Part of me is now wondering why I did apologize.
This incident reminded me of another one that happened in Aug. Visiting my family outta town, big city. Hubby only stayed for 1 nite of the visit. Me, the kids, my sisters and their kids did some touristy things downtown--we had so much fun! My sister offered to buy me a frozen drink from a vendor and I said 'sure'. My 12 yr. old asked to taste it, so I said 'yea' and let him have ONE sip from the straw. But when my RAH heard about it...! He went into "an emotional tailspin", as he said, and "But I forgive you." He said that was the most ignorant thing I could've done.
Before I go on, let's back up a bit to 4-1-1 you: My RAH-sober for about 7 years w/extremely few minor slips. I offered to quit drinking (and have) to support his sobriety. And all during this time he's taken so many opportunities to let me know that I should loosen up, let my hair down, etc. On the RARE occassion I went out with the girls in the family or went to visit my family out of town (w/out hubby), my h always had to say, 'have yourself a shasta...let your hair down!' We've had some discussions about why he says that. It's so dumb of him, but he always kept it up.
So, I got so sick of hearing it that and while in Chicago, I decided to call his bluff! Besides, lately I've regretted making my offer and there have been many times I would've liked to 'have one with the girls'. I had 1 glass of wine with a dinner, then 1 wine cooler later that nite hanging out w/my family and the frozen drink while downtown a day or two later. Yea, I really knock 'em back, don't I? I didn't hide it, told my h about it and that I called his bluff. He no longer tells me to 'have a shasta'.
Hearing about me having some drinks, then hearing how I let our son have a sip of one of them...I guess that was enough to send him into his 'tailspin'. God, what's he gonna do when our sons are typical teens-likely experimenting w/alcohol?
What I'd like to hear is your viewpoints, experiences. Was I so wrong to let our son have ONE sip? Is this a major no-no when the father is a recovering alcoholic? Should we (the non-alcoholic family members) have to avoid places like the bowling alley b/c my h is in recovery and he can't handle going to places like that? Is life with a sober A always gonna be like walking a line? I don't have a problem supporting him, but I don't think we should have to practice his avoidance tactics--if it's something we're doing w/out him.
This is so confusing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, having an alcoholic parent is irrelevant to whether a 12 yo should have a sip of an alcoholic drink. Some will say its no big deal. Some will say its wrong. Only you can decide for your child really.
As to whether you have to avoid normal sorts of places like a bowling alley because of your AH, well, I don't think I would stay away from it if I wanted to bowl or play pool or whatever other activities you wanted to enjoy doing. I would stay out of places that are just for drinking.
Its another form of walking on them egg shells because a normal activity might upset your AH. Is it fair to say no one can go bowling because dad might be upset?
As to whether you have to avoid normal sorts of places like a bowling alley because of your AH, well, I don't think I would stay away from it if I wanted to bowl or play pool or whatever other activities you wanted to enjoy doing. I would stay out of places that are just for drinking.
Its another form of walking on them egg shells because a normal activity might upset your AH. Is it fair to say no one can go bowling because dad might be upset?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sure it's confusing. there is a great aa book called....living with sobriety. i highly reccommend it.
if you are not an alcoholic, i see no reason why you cannot enjoy an occassional drink with your friends.
out of respect for my husbands recovery, i quit drinking in our home. but, now, in hindsight, i'm not so sure i would do it again.
jmo.....but i would not have given a minor child a sip of an alcoholic drink. but that's me. we are all different.
from what you write, i get the feeling that you feel somewhat lost on how to deal with your husbands sobriety, which is not all that unusual....in fact, it is quite common. it takes time to readjust to a new sober life.
our roles change when they become sober. we have been so used to making excuses for them, covering for them, trying our best to keep things on an even keel (although most of it was pure insanity), we have been used to being the one "in charge", we were used to being the one takiing care of everything.
then they become sober and want to be part of it all. it's hard to let them back in after all the crap they have pulled.
i strongly reccommend the book i mentioned.....it helped me tremendously.
i know i tiptoed around mine when he was sober as much as i did when he was actively drinking. i didn't know how to act anymore. here was this man who was sober, and i didn't know him sober.......only in chaos and misery.
i had to relearn how to be in partnership with him.
best to you and lots of hugs
jeri
if you are not an alcoholic, i see no reason why you cannot enjoy an occassional drink with your friends.
out of respect for my husbands recovery, i quit drinking in our home. but, now, in hindsight, i'm not so sure i would do it again.
jmo.....but i would not have given a minor child a sip of an alcoholic drink. but that's me. we are all different.
from what you write, i get the feeling that you feel somewhat lost on how to deal with your husbands sobriety, which is not all that unusual....in fact, it is quite common. it takes time to readjust to a new sober life.
our roles change when they become sober. we have been so used to making excuses for them, covering for them, trying our best to keep things on an even keel (although most of it was pure insanity), we have been used to being the one "in charge", we were used to being the one takiing care of everything.
then they become sober and want to be part of it all. it's hard to let them back in after all the crap they have pulled.
i strongly reccommend the book i mentioned.....it helped me tremendously.
i know i tiptoed around mine when he was sober as much as i did when he was actively drinking. i didn't know how to act anymore. here was this man who was sober, and i didn't know him sober.......only in chaos and misery.
i had to relearn how to be in partnership with him.
best to you and lots of hugs
jeri
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Hey I understand how you feel and it's such a sticky situation. That's because there are no "right" answers. It all depends on the people involved. I myself don't feel I should have to give up alcohol because I don't have a problem with it. I am a less than moderate drinker. I can stop after a drink or two. I can choose not to drink at all. I have control over it. My partner does not. Do I have to compromise my life because of his problem? I feel like that's more enabling on his part. He needs to learn to live with alcohol around him. He can't avoid being around it because there will be situations that will come up and he will have to deal with it. Should you have let your son have a sip of alcohol from your drink? That depends on how you feel about it. It's a private decision, not for anyone else to decide. Is that one sip going to make or break your son? Will he become an alcoholic because you let him have a sip? I don't think so. If he's predisposed to be an alcoholic, he will be one whether you let him have a sip or not. He will find alcohol just like every other teenager out there. It's hard to rid yourself of the eggshells. I feel I'm still walking on them too. I have only been in Al-Anon for 3 months now and it's helping but I have a loooooog way to go. My partner is 1/2 in and 1/2 out of recovery (which to me means out) so it's hard to know what will happen. I'm happy your h is in recovery for many years. I hope he is working the program and not just a dry drunk. I have a dry drunk on my hands most of the time and it's not better than a wet one except I know he won't get as crazy and irrational and he won't kill himself or someone else drunk driving when he storms out of the house in a drunken rage. This is not an easy road we are on. But we can get through it if we keep focusing on ourselves and not the A. As I say to my partner, You work on you, and I'll work on me. Stop minding my business and I'll stop minding yours.
Jenny
Jenny
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dublin Ireland
Posts: 12
I am currently doing the walking on eggshells thing with BF not because I am afraid he will get upset & use again, more because I just don't wanna upset him. He made a comment about my friend going on hols without her child & I made a comment about him leaving his (previous relationship & obviously still an open wound) I know it was tactless & kinda insensitive but I honestly didn't realise it was such a sore subject. He told me it was insensitive & I said sorry & went to hug him but he was having none of it & asked me to leave him alone so I did. I am not upstairs upset & really peed off with myself & him while he is downstairs probly upset & peed off with himself & me.
I know I can't watch every word but how stupid am I ??? I should of seen this 1 coming
I know I can't watch every word but how stupid am I ??? I should of seen this 1 coming
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by yummy mummy 
I am currently doing the walking on eggshells thing with BF not because I am afraid he will get upset & use again, more because I just don't wanna upset him.
Personally I can't live watching what I say and do because maybe someone else will get ticked off. I don't do eggshell walking.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dublin Ireland
Posts: 12
Barbara
It's not working for either of us coz when I do F*** up & say the wrong thing I end up upset with myself as well as him being upset with me.
He just came upstairs to see do I want tea, I think that was the 'olive branch' but I am not sure. He has gone back down stairs & I am not sure whether I should go back down & say sorry AGAIN or just give him space (he did tell me to go away)
It's not working for either of us coz when I do F*** up & say the wrong thing I end up upset with myself as well as him being upset with me.
He just came upstairs to see do I want tea, I think that was the 'olive branch' but I am not sure. He has gone back down stairs & I am not sure whether I should go back down & say sorry AGAIN or just give him space (he did tell me to go away)
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Barbara52
So how's that working for ya?
Personally I can't live watching what I say and do because maybe someone else will get ticked off. I don't do eggshell walking.
Personally I can't live watching what I say and do because maybe someone else will get ticked off. I don't do eggshell walking.
Nothing got resolved, it didn't get any better, it even got worse actually.I haven't been to sleep at all tonite, just been thinking. I realized this is no environment to be subjecting my kids to anymore, nor myself. Guess I need to give myself that last push and tell him it's time to divorce. Crushing eggshells hurt.
Wow, I've sure come back here a lot lately to write and read. It helps to write my thoughts down-makes me really read between the lines and get down to how I really feel. Thanx once again folks, for letting me put it out there and for adding what you can to help me along the way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
seekNheal, it sure does hurt crushing those eggshells. I know it did for me. But that was when I started understanding how much of myself I had suppressed, how much of my life was intolerable, allowing me to figure out what I needed to do fo myself and my son. It hurts on many levels to face reality sometimes. But, once you get beyond the initial pain, you can begin to take healthy action and start healing.
city girl in podunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by sunshine321
I'm happy your h is in recovery for many years. I hope he is working the program and not just a dry drunk.
I hope things go well for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dublin Ireland
Posts: 12
little update me & bf talked I told him with me what u see is what u get & if I have issues with either him or me I will wanna share. He told me I was making him feel guilty & he nearly died when I told him I don't make him feel anything... he chooses to feel guilty (it was priceless) Anyway I have said I won't appologise for being me but I will appologise if I was insensitive.
Hopefully we'll get back on track now
Hopefully we'll get back on track now
wuuuuuuuuu! Girl Power!! Way to go Yummy Mummy! 
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