pineapple2007

so... my XRABF's bday is coming up (end of this month) and I am obsessing.

I really wish I was able to make his bday special but I can't coz we are not together (there is still contact though, he calls, etc).

I purchased a card a while ago, and I really want to send it.
First I thought id send just the card. then I thought to put a little gift in it (gift certificate to get a back massage, or to rent movies). But friends said that is to BEGIE(needy) & shows to much. So now I am thinking just the card...

For MY bday (in july, and we were seperated during it too) he gave me a card with $500 (because of the whole vacation being ruined, etc, etc)

I feel this urge to give him a gift, and will be hard not to... I don't want him to think I am cheap or anything. gosh there is so much I want to do..butt I cant.

My plan is to write a simple happy bday, send it, and forget about it.
I feel just a card says: u were dear in my life, and just thought id acknowledge your bday... so happy bday!

*sigh*
And if he places a "thank u" phone call, I wont pick up, actually I am planning to never pick up the phone.... so ya. I just want to send it.and forget about it.

It is who I am. and if I don't send it i feel i am not being true to myself.... and I feel like if I dont I will keep "I SHOULD OF"-ing.......

I dunno, we didnt end on back terms, we are not enemies.... so why noT?...

any opinions/advice is appreciated...

embraced2000

i tried to find the perfect card to send to my ex (we were still married at the time) but i couldn't find one that said FU with a hand giving the bird.

i dunno.......only you can make this call. if you send the card, if will continue the contact.....is this what you want?




(mike....i know, i know.....i'll keep it clean from here on out)

pineapple2007

lol, thanks .......

DesertEyes

* lol * thanx Jeri

Mike

Mr. Christian

I say , DON’T SEND A CARD.

To tell you the truth the only real reason to send one is get a response.
All this, “It’s who I am” stuff is just an excuse.

You are a ex for a reason there is no reason for contact.
As you said the relationship is over.

MsGolightly

ha jeri!

i personally wouldn't send it... regardless of how things ended - they ENDED. sending the card just shows him that you care about him still, and that he has you right where he wants you. it's sick, i know, but that's what goes through their minds. he'll know you still care and that he can do whatever he wants to you and you'll still keep coming back for more.

if the best revenge is living well, why don't you show him how you were doing so great without him, living so wonderfully, that you didn't even realize it was his birthday?

denny57

Wow, how many times did I hear that from the alcoholic? Never did understand why he couldn't change.

aztchr

I'll be investing in myself instead of sending a card this October to my ex.

Do you send cards to all of your exes each year? Ask yourself the real motive and remember it's ok to do something different this time.

Lady BlueMiles

I know alot of people on friendly terms with their ex's. Some still exchange pleasantries throughout the year when they run into each other, especially run ins over the holidays etc. I know one girl that still brings cookies to the family of her exbf at Christmastime. She always got along great with them and she's engaged to her new bf of two years. go figure.

I would go ahead and send him the card this year if you want to, no gift, just be careful to notice if you hold any hidden expectations and weed them out. Something sounding detached, short and simple would be appropriate. Belated would be better. Something like "oops, was so busy forgot your b-day. Hope you had a great day."

Keep focusing on your life and detaching, you may always remember his birthday, but by next year you might not feel the need to do it. Life marches on and you might have a new boyfriend by then!

ARealLady

All this, “It’s who I am” stuff is just an excuse.



Wise advice and spot on!

Stop worrying about what HE will think of you if you don't send him a card and/or give him a present. He is not Mr. Now. He is Mr. Was. FINISHED!

I didn't want XABF to think of me as cold and cruel by my continued lack of contact with him. Just an excuse that I was making to myself. He was treating me cruelly with his snide comments, threats and accusations. He doesn't deserve me. The no contact continues. I grow stronger.

Yes, I do think of him daily. His court case for DUI comes up next week. I wondered about sending him a "good luck" card or a "thinking of you" message (because that IS me) but I'd be hooking myself right back into his mess of a life.

ARL

pineapple2007

He didn't treat me cruelly or make any comments, threats, or accusations. So can u kinda see now how I would want to send it?

Like I said I wont engage in conversation after.... I am not expecting anything. Just want to send a happy bday card..................

MTBChick

I'll just chime in with what everyone else said.... and that is to just look at your motives for why you want to send one.

MsGolightly

no offense at all, but it sounds (to me, anyway) like you're making excuses to keep this rollercoaster in motion. mine never treated me cruelly or abused me either, but we aren't together anymore, so it would be a bit pointless to send a card. just because he didn't treat you cruelly, doesn't mean that he didn't hurt you... you wouldn't be here if he didn't.

it's up to you to send the card or not... but every action has a reaction. i'd really examine why i wanted to send the card... what do i expect to get out of it? how would he interpret me sending the card? why am i feeling the need to hang onto someone who clearly doesn't want to hang onto me?

Mr. Christian

Yep, sounds like you want to keep the drama going.
Why is that?

hbb

So why send it at all. I would protect myself and my feelings. I think it's opening a door that you really don't want open...or do you still have feelings for him? Which is understandable but i would rethink it if it was to just be nice, he already knows what a great person you are and it's his loss just a thought.

(Oh and Jeri, when you find that particular card, send me one too!!!!)

Wascally Wabbit

LMAO, at Embraced2000.

Pinapple,
It's true that once the card is in the mail, you are inviting him to answer you and you answer him and on it goes.
Is this what you want? If you do, then send the card. If you don't then keep it.
Think long and hard about it. Dont' do something you might regret with out sincerely thinking it through.
Obsessing is something I was a pro at years ago. All it did for me was make me crazy.

Pick-a-name

(If it bothers me so much; I just send an email simply saying "Happy Birthday" and am done with it.
Of course,we were together 30yrs and have 2 children.)

For an exbf I think I'd say a prayer for him and then try to do something extra-nice for myself that day!

WhatAboutME

Instead of sending him a GC for a massage, how about you treat yourself to one instead? I agree with others. Seems like you may be looking for some kind of reaction to sending the card, even if it's not obvious to you right now. I'm not judging. I tend to be an obsessive person myself. I would even go out on a limb and guess you may have written several "drafts" of the perfect "breezey" (for those that are Friends fans, you'll remember that line!) message. I know I would...at one time. And since letting go of those "obsessive" ways, I am much happier, and at peace.

free2beme064

Wow, this post really hit home with me. I am 3+ months separated, he is living with another woman, recently tried to get me back and then it didn't work out and I was thinking about sending him a 40th bday card Friday.

I do still care about him, 12 yrs. together. I got alot of good info though about looking at the real reason I would be sending the card. It would probably be so he thinks of me that day, and for what? I'm planning a full day so I don't have time to dwell on the whole bday thing. I have an over active imagination and have already planned in my head what will probably be happening this weekend, party, sex, etc. lol