I Think I just Need To Talk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
I Think I just Need To Talk
Hi my name is lee and i have an alcoholic mother.
even now to me this seems strange im welling up here just writing this but i have to get it off my chest it's just to much for me to keep inside
Her drinking started before i was born now that is say about 22 years ago now and she won't admit she has a problem because she CAN stop for a few weeks at a time ...
she will drink anything and everything it dosnt matter, i have brought my sister up she is now 12 years old and im now 21 but anyway back to the point
i want to know if anyone else feels that same way about there parents
dont get me wrong my mother is a lovley woman ... when she has not had a drink and i love her to pieces but when she has had a drink ... i hate her guts (im not being melodramatic im deadly serious) and i have no time for her at all, why carnt she see that she is killing herself and her family??? i know i shouldnt feel this way about my mother but i do i carn't help it i loath her i uttlerly detest her when she has had a drink and does she think we are all f***ing stupid we all know that she has been drinking.
the reason im am here is that i had a dream about my mother and my fieance my gf was turning into her and my mother was my gf (not in that way!!!) i was screeming and shouting at her all kinds of abuse and fowl language ....
now my gf doesn't drink that often as we have a baby boy of 9 months old (the cutest thing you have ever seen!!!) but i dont want my problem to become there problem we hardly talk my baby to see my mother because we never know if she will be awake or passed out on the chair we have tagged her nana-drinks-a-lot... i know its not funny and probable hurtfull to other alcoholics out there, but the way i feel about alcoholics you dont want to know.
i feel as i have missed out on a childhood that i never had.
my mother has started getting alcoholic dementia (only when she drinks)
please respond
regards
Lee
even now to me this seems strange im welling up here just writing this but i have to get it off my chest it's just to much for me to keep inside
Her drinking started before i was born now that is say about 22 years ago now and she won't admit she has a problem because she CAN stop for a few weeks at a time ...
she will drink anything and everything it dosnt matter, i have brought my sister up she is now 12 years old and im now 21 but anyway back to the point
i want to know if anyone else feels that same way about there parents
dont get me wrong my mother is a lovley woman ... when she has not had a drink and i love her to pieces but when she has had a drink ... i hate her guts (im not being melodramatic im deadly serious) and i have no time for her at all, why carnt she see that she is killing herself and her family??? i know i shouldnt feel this way about my mother but i do i carn't help it i loath her i uttlerly detest her when she has had a drink and does she think we are all f***ing stupid we all know that she has been drinking.
the reason im am here is that i had a dream about my mother and my fieance my gf was turning into her and my mother was my gf (not in that way!!!) i was screeming and shouting at her all kinds of abuse and fowl language ....
now my gf doesn't drink that often as we have a baby boy of 9 months old (the cutest thing you have ever seen!!!) but i dont want my problem to become there problem we hardly talk my baby to see my mother because we never know if she will be awake or passed out on the chair we have tagged her nana-drinks-a-lot... i know its not funny and probable hurtfull to other alcoholics out there, but the way i feel about alcoholics you dont want to know.
i feel as i have missed out on a childhood that i never had.
my mother has started getting alcoholic dementia (only when she drinks)
please respond
regards
Lee
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
(((((Lee)))))
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
There are lots of great people here who will share their wisdom with you. I want you to know you aren't alone. Take care of yourself and your family, read the stickies and post often.
Welcome to SR. We're here for you.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
There are lots of great people here who will share their wisdom with you. I want you to know you aren't alone. Take care of yourself and your family, read the stickies and post often.
Welcome to SR. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you decided to post and share your story. There are so many great people here who are affected by someone else's drinking.
In case you haven't tried it yet, I recommend you give Alanon a try. That's the best place to start, and besides coming here I can't think of anything that has helped me more.
Here are some other forums here on SR that may also be of interest to you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-sobriety/
In case you haven't tried it yet, I recommend you give Alanon a try. That's the best place to start, and besides coming here I can't think of anything that has helped me more.
Here are some other forums here on SR that may also be of interest to you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-sobriety/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by guineapigjude 
(((((Lee)))))
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
There are lots of great people here who will share their wisdom with you. I want you to know you aren't alone. Take care of yourself and your family, read the stickies and post often.
Welcome to SR. We're here for you.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
There are lots of great people here who will share their wisdom with you. I want you to know you aren't alone. Take care of yourself and your family, read the stickies and post often.
Welcome to SR. We're here for you.
i feel stupid talking to ppl i dont know about my personal life and wanting me to feel better from it... stupid and selfish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
All the feeling and emotions you have described have been experienced by MANY loved ones of alcoholics. You are CLEARLY NOT ALONE, nor are you crazy. Living with an addict CAN pull you into the insanity that IS addiction.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Focus on yourself and your own recovery from being raised by an alcoholic in order for you to be the best mate and parent that you can be. Remember, to have the courage to change the things you can (yourself) and accept the things you can't change. Doesn't sound like the baby should be left alone with nanna to babysit.
It is her loss. You deserve a wonderful life and awesome family life of your own. Concentrate on that bec you can't save your mom as much as you'd like to.
It is her loss. You deserve a wonderful life and awesome family life of your own. Concentrate on that bec you can't save your mom as much as you'd like to.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Lee
My niece and nephew grew up the same way, so I understand where you are coming from. Obviously mum has been doing this for a long time and you are well aware of who she is. Unfortunately, after all this time if mum is ever going to get it together, it will be in her own time.
You have a family of your own now and a gorgeous little baby. Congrats! Try to concentrate on you and your family and focus on giving your baby all the love and things you may not have been given. I would give mum a call once in a while and leave it alone for some.
Many of us grow up in different family situations, and as sad or as bad as that was, push on and grow with your own family. Thats what we have had to do and it can get better. We never forget but we can forgive.
Good Luck
My niece and nephew grew up the same way, so I understand where you are coming from. Obviously mum has been doing this for a long time and you are well aware of who she is. Unfortunately, after all this time if mum is ever going to get it together, it will be in her own time.
You have a family of your own now and a gorgeous little baby. Congrats! Try to concentrate on you and your family and focus on giving your baby all the love and things you may not have been given. I would give mum a call once in a while and leave it alone for some.
Many of us grow up in different family situations, and as sad or as bad as that was, push on and grow with your own family. Thats what we have had to do and it can get better. We never forget but we can forgive.
Good Luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
thankyou.
as it happens i dont rly drink i maybe have 1 or 2 pints then after that i stop i do have an addictive side tho but its the computer or computer games but i try not to let it affect homelife and my baby, we don't take the baby to see his nana because we never know what state she will be in, i had a good cry last night and feel better now!! woohoo after reading the 13charictoristics of an adult child. that realy hit home i feel like i have hit a turning point and i can start to be the person i want to be, and maybe even enjoy a drink and not be scared that i will turn in to my AM, im gonna keep posting
thankyou to everyone who has posted i have felt a grate support by you even tho i dont know anyof you, it just felt realy good to get it all off my chest, it's like i feel 100% lighter. I'm gonna go to the alanon meetings so i dont slip back with holding things in and so i can be a beter person and not bitter or feel hatred towards my AM when she has had a drink.
regards
Lee
as it happens i dont rly drink i maybe have 1 or 2 pints then after that i stop i do have an addictive side tho but its the computer or computer games but i try not to let it affect homelife and my baby, we don't take the baby to see his nana because we never know what state she will be in, i had a good cry last night and feel better now!! woohoo after reading the 13charictoristics of an adult child. that realy hit home i feel like i have hit a turning point and i can start to be the person i want to be, and maybe even enjoy a drink and not be scared that i will turn in to my AM, im gonna keep posting
thankyou to everyone who has posted i have felt a grate support by you even tho i dont know anyof you, it just felt realy good to get it all off my chest, it's like i feel 100% lighter. I'm gonna go to the alanon meetings so i dont slip back with holding things in and so i can be a beter person and not bitter or feel hatred towards my AM when she has had a drink.
regards
Lee
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Both my parents were alcoholics. I am still working thru all the problems this has caused in my life (and I'm now 52). I strongly suggest AlAnon or Adult children of alcoholics groups. Individual therapy can also be very helpful. And read. There are lots of really good books that can help you understand yourself.
Don't feel guilty about the negative emotions. Why shouldn't you be angry and even feel hate sometimes? Your mother has put you thru hell! I used to hate both parents because they failed me and my brothers so badly. I forgave them many years ago (in my 20s) but the behaviors and patterns I learned growing up stuck with me in many ways. Accept the emotions you feel and find a healthy way to deal with them.
Don't feel guilty about the negative emotions. Why shouldn't you be angry and even feel hate sometimes? Your mother has put you thru hell! I used to hate both parents because they failed me and my brothers so badly. I forgave them many years ago (in my 20s) but the behaviors and patterns I learned growing up stuck with me in many ways. Accept the emotions you feel and find a healthy way to deal with them.
city girl in podunk
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
Hi Lee and welcome to this place where you'll find comfort and understanding.
I'm so sorry that your life is suffering, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I think it's safe to say that most all of us involved with an alcoholic detests or hates the alcoholic, but we can still love that person, too. It wouldn't matter if it's your parent, sibling, other relative or a friend. Just b/c it's your mom doesn't oblige you to like the disease she has.
I want to share some words I was recently given by a professional. Maybe it'll help you, too, in understanding the way your A thinks:
...it is still the individual that caused the "disease" in the first place. They do this by introducing a chemical to their body to such quantities that the body's cells then change physically to adapt to the constant presence of the chemical. They are then at that point addicted. This is quite unlike cancer or other diseases.
Additionally, the individual that is addicted now must find clever thought processes in order to maintain the addiction without the presence of shame, guilt, anxiety or depression. This is where the addictive thinking processes come about. It is these thoughts processes, still caused by the individual himself, that you can attribute his actions to.
This is just partial content of the info I received but the heart of it is what I've posted. It really helped me to understand my A better. I realized I cannot expect him to reason like a healthy person. So, I do what *I* can to better my situation and not depend on my A to be the one to do it for me. Hope this helps a little.
I'm so sorry that your life is suffering, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I think it's safe to say that most all of us involved with an alcoholic detests or hates the alcoholic, but we can still love that person, too. It wouldn't matter if it's your parent, sibling, other relative or a friend. Just b/c it's your mom doesn't oblige you to like the disease she has.
I want to share some words I was recently given by a professional. Maybe it'll help you, too, in understanding the way your A thinks:
...it is still the individual that caused the "disease" in the first place. They do this by introducing a chemical to their body to such quantities that the body's cells then change physically to adapt to the constant presence of the chemical. They are then at that point addicted. This is quite unlike cancer or other diseases.
Additionally, the individual that is addicted now must find clever thought processes in order to maintain the addiction without the presence of shame, guilt, anxiety or depression. This is where the addictive thinking processes come about. It is these thoughts processes, still caused by the individual himself, that you can attribute his actions to.
This is just partial content of the info I received but the heart of it is what I've posted. It really helped me to understand my A better. I realized I cannot expect him to reason like a healthy person. So, I do what *I* can to better my situation and not depend on my A to be the one to do it for me. Hope this helps a little.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: birmingham
Posts: 29
hi Lee and sorry i dont have a solution for you. i stopped my drinking 18 months ago. the last few years of my drinking were crazy, i never raised a hand to anyone, i was much to cunning for that, everyone i knew had gone away, and who can blame them, living or loving an alcoholic must be the hardest, really it must. it's very much a part of my sobriety that hurts me, really hurts me, because i really cant believe how i would be such a lying maniputive monster.
my heart goes out to you, god bless ya mate.
you must be one strong soul
my heart goes out to you, god bless ya mate.
you must be one strong soul
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi Lee (((((((Lee))))))) I am not an A and thankfully neither were my parents but I am a mother with boys about your age and what you grew up with was NOT fair. Go to those Alanon meetings, post here when you need to ask questions, comment on your situation, help others or just vent. We're listening. Hug your son close, be grateful that you and your gf have a peaceful/healthy space in which to raise him. Above all, take care of YOU....your son needs you!
ARL
ARL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I had to live with the alcoholic mother. She was the most hateful abusive person.
She's been sober 30 years. The behaviors remain though. I find alanon groups to be very helpful for me.
I wanted to welcome you and tell you as others have, that you're not alone.
She's been sober 30 years. The behaviors remain though. I find alanon groups to be very helpful for me.
I wanted to welcome you and tell you as others have, that you're not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
thank you everyone that has posted i have found all your comments and advice very helpful and heartwarming, im going to my first AlAnon meeting today, i have been told that i will prob see some ppl there that i might know.
im feeling realy happy at the moment better than i have in a long time, i think im comming out of my shell a bit, im trying hard not to be as quiet as i used to be but im still a 40 year old trapped in a 21 year olds body (it's prob coz i dont know how to act 21) i have always been older in mind but im going to try and work on that to ...
i called my mom up today and she wasnt drunk so there is a plus
but bit of bad news my dad was taken into hospital today with irregular heart palputations, worst case senario is that its a slow cardiac event (oh btw he is 65 and looks younger than my mom who is 45)
i faced a few of my deamons last night ... i run a karaoke with 2 other people who were in that same situation that im in they are older than me. but i actualy was ably to drink a full pint... there was a little bit of anxiaty there thinking if i like it too much i will turn into my mom but as it happened another 1 pint later and some sleep i woke up with one major headache and dont think i will be doing it again in a hurry.
anyway thought i would post to let you all know how things are getting on.
and thanks again for helping me on my road to recovery and all the support i feel blessed to have people like all of you to help me out
love and light
Blessed Be
thank you
Lee
im feeling realy happy at the moment better than i have in a long time, i think im comming out of my shell a bit, im trying hard not to be as quiet as i used to be but im still a 40 year old trapped in a 21 year olds body (it's prob coz i dont know how to act 21) i have always been older in mind but im going to try and work on that to ...
i called my mom up today and she wasnt drunk so there is a plus
but bit of bad news my dad was taken into hospital today with irregular heart palputations, worst case senario is that its a slow cardiac event (oh btw he is 65 and looks younger than my mom who is 45) i faced a few of my deamons last night ... i run a karaoke with 2 other people who were in that same situation that im in they are older than me. but i actualy was ably to drink a full pint... there was a little bit of anxiaty there thinking if i like it too much i will turn into my mom but as it happened another 1 pint later and some sleep i woke up with one major headache and dont think i will be doing it again in a hurry.
anyway thought i would post to let you all know how things are getting on.
and thanks again for helping me on my road to recovery and all the support i feel blessed to have people like all of you to help me out
love and light
Blessed Be
thank you
Lee
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