irelandx7

My AH just emailed me and told me he made an appointment with our Family Doctor on the 12th to talk about his "problem" and depression (because I told him that could be part of the problem, too). A little history -- in 2003 he was going through some sort of phase where he was just being nasty, and moody, and downright mean. He was describing his feelings as exactly how I described mine when I finally broke down and sought treatment for my depression. He went on Wellbrutin (for the depression and also to help quit smoking). In a month's time, we both saw an improvement and he actually admitted he felt "different" (i.e, better). See, he was one of those people that thought antidepressants were a crock and why couldn't depressed people just "get over it." Well, that's not the case, as anyone who is depressed and has been on medication knows.

Anyway, while he was on this medication, he noticed that he didn't even want to drink as much either. I noticed it too. He was actually -- dare I say it -- "pleasant" to be around?

I had offered to call the doctor for him, but I am so glad HE was the one who called. Maybe he's reaching out for help?

Thanks for listening.

Afraid2Succeed

maybe your AH was self-medicating the only way he knew how at the time. Tom Cruise is a ******** buffoon for saying antidepressants are bad. I'm glad your AH is showing signs of relief and is more pleasant to be around.

There's a small chance that when his life starts to get better, he might think he can control the drink. Let's hope he doesnt, tho.

Best,
Dave

irelandx7

Oh, he was more pleasant to be around in 2003 when he was on the medication, not now. He's been horrible lately, and just today made the appt.

Barbara52

Its good to see he's making a step in the right direction, seeking help. Whether his underlying problem is depression or not, seeing the doc is a potentially good step.

Apolla

A few things. (I used to post under Rapunzel but had to change when the system went down) :-)

We first thought my husband's problem was depression, too. Easier to admit for him then alcoholism. He was put on drugs for depression. It was a temporary fix. He was sober and "better" for 6 months until the monster of the true problem, addiction, can roaring back.

It was then we knew it was alcoholism. The alcoholism, in his case, CAUSES the depression. Off of booze, he is calm, serene and happy.

If someone is an alcoholic. to focus on depression as solving the "issues" is only going to delay the inevitable. As you said, he went through this before and is now right back where he was. Drunk on the couch.

It is encouraging that he is asking for help. When they ask, I would encourage YOU to suggest treatment for alcoholism. You do NOT make the phone call. You do not try to fix him. You offer him support IF he gets the help he needs. In my case, I learned > let him be a man. Do not be his mommy and make his appointments for him. Let him stand up on his feet and face his problems without me trying to fix, soften the blow, make easy. Let him do what it takes to face his addiction.

For me - I set firm boundaries. THAT I could keep. Threatening to leave every other weekend and not leaving is a recipe for disaster. My boundary was that he go into immediate treatment for - alcoholism.

The good news is that your hubby made the phone call - GOOD for him and that he is going to a doctor. That doctor needs to know that he is drinking. He may not tell the doctor. If he does not, the doctor will not be able to help treat him appropriately.

If it were me - that might be the one phone call I would make. To the doctor to let him/her know the seriousness of the alcoholism.

Enabling is when we help them to continue drinking. Make excuses for them and are unwilling to tell others the truth.

Perhaps you'll want to think about that. My fear for you, as I experienced in my life, is that by only addressing depression he will be missing the entire root cause. Alcoholism. And you will be wasting more time while he gets a stop gap - ineffective treatment.

HE may not be fully aware that he is an alcoholic. Sounds like it. Have you seen that list that helps determine is someone is an alcoholic?

Might want to take a look at it. I'm sure it's on this wonderful forum someplace!

Proud of your husband for reaching out, just hope he reaches out for the addiction as well!

irelandx7

He fully admits he's an alcoholic, but like a lot of A's, it's just "part of who he is" as he puts it. He admits he has a problem, but has also admitted he doesn't want to give it up. Plain out told me that.

So, no, I don't really think he denies he has a problem. Not wanting to change it, or face the fact that he can't get better unless he seeks help? That's definitely on him.

Apolla

OK Ireland - he's been honest with you.

Are you willing to continue living with an actively drinking alcoholic?

Is that OK?

What boundaries do you have - for YOU?

irelandx7

I told him that I am starting to go to Alanon. Boy, he does NOT like that. He asked me if he "needed" to do anything for it. I said, "Nope, it's not about you, it's about me."

He didn't say a word after that. Honestly? I think for the first time he's seriously scared. That he'll lose me and the kids, mainly. I don't know really, though, because you know how they can act all innocent, defeated, etc. just to get us to lay off, kwim?

Apolla

I'm not asking about how HE feels.

I am asking what YOU want from YOUR life -?

When he tells you that he's an alcoholic and that's just tough - how do you feel?

Is that acceptable for your life and your children's life?

Is it acceptable if he refuses treatment for alcoholism?

irelandx7

None of it's acceptable. That's a given. I admit I have put up with it for too long. I'm going to Alanon, FIRST, for me. When I can strengthen myself and my soul, then my kids benefit. To be honest, I have become this person where I could give a rat's patootie what he wants.

It makes me feel like crap that he chooses booze over me and the kids -- I feel there is no hope..............until recently, when I decided for ME, this is what I need to do.

Apolla

GOOD.

I personally could not, would not stay living with someone who was unwilling to get treatment for the disease of alcoholism.

Even with treatment - it's rough road to hoe.

I wish you strength on your journey. Sometimes (always) the greatest gift we give another person is stop making excuses for their behavior. When we get strong, we allow others to face themselves.

Will love to hear how your first meeting goes!