Need more advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Columbus, Ga
Posts: 9
Need more advice
Well since I wrote last he just got sent back from Peachford and he went back out and used. I kicked him out and changed the locks. He keeps coming by to see the kids which is fine but he's trying to move back home. He's been out 1 1/2 weeks. He's been working and and is still helping me pay these bills plus paying a friend to live with him. He has said that he's giving it up but I have my doughts. I don't know whether I believe him or not. I love him and would love for him to be back home but I'm scared. I am going to the doctor this week because every time we argue or he goes out and uses I get so stressed out that I think about sucide and cry constantly. I think I need some help also handleing my stress. I don't want to hurt myself but sometimes it just gets to me. I'm getting help for it at the end of the week. What do I do about him. He's a big help with the bills and the kids but I just don't know what to do. I have left him spend the night 2 nights but he goes back to his friends tomorrow. I worry about him being at his friends house because it's in a drug area and his friend is an alchoholic (sorry if misspelled). Do I get him out of there just incase he is trying to change or do I leave him there with the temtation? Please help me make a decision.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((Dottie))))) Your sadness and the confusion you are feeling comes over loud and clear in your post. I'm really sorry to know that things are not going well for you. I'm relieved to know that you are going to see your doctor soon - that is an absolute priority, especially if you are having those kind of thoughts. Don't be afraid to be completely open about everything that is going on in your life so that your doctor can help you to the best of his/her ability.
Dottie, you say that he says that he's giving it up, but I don't think deep in your heart that you really believe him and it's really important that you listen to that inner voice right now. Look what this is doing to you! This is the time, if ever there was one, when you MUST take the focus off him and put it onto yourself where it belongs. Dottie, all any of us with an addicted partner want is for a normal life without all the pain and heartache that comes with addiction. For you own sake, you have to let him go do whatever it is he's going to do - you cannot change that, nor can you allow yourself to live in the fantasy of "how things could be if only..."
As far as getting him out of his friend's house, how would you propose that you "get him out of there" if that's where he choses to go? Whether he stays in the way of temptation is up to him - if he wants to give up the drugs, then he will do whatever he has to do to stay away from temptation without your help if he is committed to a drug-free life.
Dottie, please take care of yourself right now. Take whatever steps you need to in order to help yourself understand the nature of addiction because it will really help you to truly know that you cannot change him and that you can only change yourself. Your life is the only one that you have some control over. Before you let him back in your house, you need to see some real effort on his part that he has made a commitment to recovery, whether it is detox, rehab, meetings, etc, etc. Ultimatums, if they are not followed through with, leave you more helpless and powerless than before.
If you've not read through the "sticky" Power Posts at the top of the forum yet, then I would urge you to do so. There is a lot of info in them that will really help you at this very critical time.
Thinking of you, Dottie. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. And remember, whatever choice you decide upon, we will be here for you.
Love and hugs.
Dottie, you say that he says that he's giving it up, but I don't think deep in your heart that you really believe him and it's really important that you listen to that inner voice right now. Look what this is doing to you! This is the time, if ever there was one, when you MUST take the focus off him and put it onto yourself where it belongs. Dottie, all any of us with an addicted partner want is for a normal life without all the pain and heartache that comes with addiction. For you own sake, you have to let him go do whatever it is he's going to do - you cannot change that, nor can you allow yourself to live in the fantasy of "how things could be if only..."
As far as getting him out of his friend's house, how would you propose that you "get him out of there" if that's where he choses to go? Whether he stays in the way of temptation is up to him - if he wants to give up the drugs, then he will do whatever he has to do to stay away from temptation without your help if he is committed to a drug-free life.
Dottie, please take care of yourself right now. Take whatever steps you need to in order to help yourself understand the nature of addiction because it will really help you to truly know that you cannot change him and that you can only change yourself. Your life is the only one that you have some control over. Before you let him back in your house, you need to see some real effort on his part that he has made a commitment to recovery, whether it is detox, rehab, meetings, etc, etc. Ultimatums, if they are not followed through with, leave you more helpless and powerless than before.
If you've not read through the "sticky" Power Posts at the top of the forum yet, then I would urge you to do so. There is a lot of info in them that will really help you at this very critical time.
Thinking of you, Dottie. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. And remember, whatever choice you decide upon, we will be here for you.
Love and hugs.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
********{Dottie}}}}}
I agree with Margo nothing that I can add except to stress the part of needing to take care of YOU. That should be your top priority right now.
Sending tons of hugs your way.
Take care.
Debbie
I agree with Margo nothing that I can add except to stress the part of needing to take care of YOU. That should be your top priority right now.
Sending tons of hugs your way.
Take care.
Debbie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Dottie,
I realized recently that there is a direct connection between feeling trapped and our boundaries. I was wanting to make it go away too...your talk of suicide is that isn't it??
Well I can't make it go away but I can examine my boundaries and protect myself from this onslaught of chaos. I can say what I mean and what I want and then back it up. In my case I don't want my son calling and making demands....how is he going to know that if I don't tell him?? If he continues then I have a choice of continuing the conversation or ending it.
Keep it simple Dottie because in the end it really is.
Hugs,
JT
I realized recently that there is a direct connection between feeling trapped and our boundaries. I was wanting to make it go away too...your talk of suicide is that isn't it??
Well I can't make it go away but I can examine my boundaries and protect myself from this onslaught of chaos. I can say what I mean and what I want and then back it up. In my case I don't want my son calling and making demands....how is he going to know that if I don't tell him?? If he continues then I have a choice of continuing the conversation or ending it.
Keep it simple Dottie because in the end it really is.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((((((Dottie))))))))))))
Just sending lots and lots of hugs. I can't add a single thing to what the others said, as they are right on target. You need to take care of YOU! Keep posting, so we know how you're doing. You are in my prayers.
Lyn
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Someone mentioned taking steps to deal with this...........there are the 12 steps of Al-anon.
Get yourself to the doctor and hopefully you'll get on some anti-depressants for a time. You'll be better prepared to start dealing with this.
Ngaire
Get yourself to the doctor and hopefully you'll get on some anti-depressants for a time. You'll be better prepared to start dealing with this.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((DOttie))))
many hugs and prayers for you, who said you have to make any decisions right now ? take your time. You have so much right now.
Alanon and coming back here will help you learn how to take care of yourself first. I started out at this time last year on an alanon chat line and if it werent for the advise of those beautiful caring alanon people who encouraged me to find some f2f meetings i dont know where i would be today. It's been a year of some big personal growth that i never knew i even needed until the program gently opened the door and i was able to begin a new journey that began to lift me out of old habits and behaviors that clouded my thinking and made my life unmanagable.
The beginning...
step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanagable.
love
liddy
many hugs and prayers for you, who said you have to make any decisions right now ? take your time. You have so much right now.
Alanon and coming back here will help you learn how to take care of yourself first. I started out at this time last year on an alanon chat line and if it werent for the advise of those beautiful caring alanon people who encouraged me to find some f2f meetings i dont know where i would be today. It's been a year of some big personal growth that i never knew i even needed until the program gently opened the door and i was able to begin a new journey that began to lift me out of old habits and behaviors that clouded my thinking and made my life unmanagable.
The beginning...
step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanagable.
love
liddy
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Dottie:
If I hadn't gone through it myself, I wouldn't beleive the kind of pain you describe.....
The best thing is to spend quality time around some sane and caring people. Whether it's at alanon, a church group, or bingo, or whatever, find some people to be around on a regular basis. Being around someone who is self-destructive all the time makes your thinking distorted. You'll function better after spending time with healthy people.
It's GOOD that you're reaching out to your doctor, but don't just ask for meds. See if he/she can give you directions to a support group near where you live.
And, keep comming back here!
Take care.
If I hadn't gone through it myself, I wouldn't beleive the kind of pain you describe.....
The best thing is to spend quality time around some sane and caring people. Whether it's at alanon, a church group, or bingo, or whatever, find some people to be around on a regular basis. Being around someone who is self-destructive all the time makes your thinking distorted. You'll function better after spending time with healthy people.
It's GOOD that you're reaching out to your doctor, but don't just ask for meds. See if he/she can give you directions to a support group near where you live.
And, keep comming back here!
Take care.
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